Time to stop lying...

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 65

It has been far too long since I last journaled...

In terms of my life it feels more like slow progress than anything else, but it's good to know that the counter is ticking over and that I'm getting ever closer to beating (or at least being in control of) my addiction.

My relationship is still just about intact, but it needs major work to be healthy. There remain a number of issues that need to be resolved, but we haven't discussed them in too much detail in the past week or so.
I'm not happy in my relationship and I'm unsure how much of that is resolvable, how much of that is down to my addiction, or what else. I want to make things better and become a better person.

Work stress still isn't helping. The busy period that I hope would finish at the end of January is still ongoing and is likely to continue for another month or so. Later in the year I need to look at other alternatives, but right now I'm not in a position to mess with the financial stability that my job brings us.

I'm still experiencing cravings and learning how best to deal with them. Every now and then I'll see an athletic woman fitting my 'profile', either in person, online or in the paper (or elsewhere) and it's a struggle to pry my eyes away, but I know that doing so makes my willpower stronger. I need the control that I didn't possess for so long in this area.

I don't know what the future holds at the moment. This year feels like a mess so far, but having this reboot to focus on is giving me hope. I'm going to a workshop on beating pornography addiction soon which should be interesting. I just need to get the rest of my life on track...

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. Congratulations on 65 days which is quite a milestone. I know that feeling when the porn fog lifts and you're left gaping at a broken landscape. Taming PMO was relatively easy in comparison to dealing with the feelings, memories, and toxic relationships that all fed my addiction. It's normal to doubt your relationship, as I did, because I didn't really know my wife without the secrets, lies, and pain of my porn addiction. But I did find help. We went to a marriage counsellor together. I also read a terrific book: "Too Good To Leave Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[pjerry]

Hey HnH,

you seem very depressed which I can understand if your relationship is difficult. I also have a difficult relationship and I can just repeat lyon03's advice: Counseling helps. When we went to counseling, the first session already helped re-establishing trust and intimacy that seemed lost forever. It's much easier now to be more open about issues and she knows everything about my issues with porn. In general, things are much healthier now.

On a slightly different note: 65 DAYS, MAN! Wow. Great job! Seriously, this is an achievement.

I'm wondering though, if you will ever just watch at an athletic woman and not feel the craving or arousal. In a way that's just natural. We humans are hard-wired to be turned on by that stuff and the porn addiction just strengthened that wiring to a very different unhealthy degree. In that sense, you're probably right if you say that you will just learn to have more control over yourself. This is the true recovery. Feeling the craving or being aroused by an image is morally completely alright. After all we can hardly change how we feel about something, right? We can only learn new behaviors and hope that our feelings follow the new patterns. The success lies in developing new patterns by letting go of old ones. And seriously, HnH, staying away from porn for more than 60 days is already a long way down that road.

Cheers!

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

I really must do this journaling thing more often.

Anyway, let's start with the good news - I haven't yet failed in my reboot. It's great to see that I'm nearly at my target of 100 days and I'm certain I'll reach it (and go beyond).

you seem very depressed which I can understand if your relationship is difficult. I also have a difficult relationship and I can just repeat lyon03's advice: Counseling helps. When we went to counseling, the first session already helped re-establishing trust and intimacy that seemed lost forever. It's much easier now to be more open about issues and she knows everything about my issues with porn. In general, things are much healthier now.

A lack of trust is an issue in my relationship. My partner doesn't trust me for very good reasons - I've lied on several occasions to her and haven't yet shown I can be fully trusted for a long period of time. She also has issues with trust going back years which make it difficult for both of us.

As far as being open I think we're good on that front. We still have issues to address, but we spend a lot of time talking together and genuinely are each other's best friends. I can't be certain of our future right now, but I am sure that we love each other and care for each deeply. I feel more comfortable in my relationship than I did 1 or 2 months ago, which is a good start...

I'm wondering though, if you will ever just watch at an athletic woman and not feel the craving or arousal. In a way that's just natural. We humans are hard-wired to be turned on by that stuff and the porn addiction just strengthened that wiring to a very different unhealthy degree. In that sense, you're probably right if you say that you will just learn to have more control over yourself. This is the true recovery. Feeling the craving or being aroused by an image is morally completely alright. After all we can hardly change how we feel about something, right? We can only learn new behaviors and hope that our feelings follow the new patterns. The success lies in developing new patterns by letting go of old ones. And seriously, HnH, staying away from porn for more than 60 days is already a long way down that road.

It's not the case that I'm turned on by every athletic woman that I see (in person on in media), or that they're the only type of women that turn me on, but I'm certainly far more likely to be attracted to an athletic woman that a non-athletic woman. Whom I feel attracted to in general hasn't drastically changed since the start of this reboot. I do feel self-control is very important and that this process is making me feel much stronger in that regard.

The main issue I struggle with, which I think is a common struggle here, is objectification. I'm not attracted to these women for who they are or what they believe in, but for how they look. I think it's one of the hardest things to deal with as there is a natural level of attraction towards other people we should feel, but I feel that mine became too narrowed due to my addiction and was in essence ruling my life. I want a healthy sexuality where I can appreciate all people for whom they are, rather than what they look like.

These are some things I've learnt over the past 30 or so days:

1. My job/career is a major issue in my life that needs to be addressed
2. Change isn't easy but as soon as you accept it, it becomes easier
3. Media use in our society is a major problem and too much is definitely a bad thing

On number 1, I've had this long-lasting feeling of dissatisfaction towards my job that I believe my addiction was previously covering up, and now it's no longer hidden. I'm in a respectable well paid job, but I have no passion for what I do and don't feel as though I'm making as positive an impact on society as I feel I could or should do with my time.

My work is also bleeding me dry. I've been consistently having to work 50-60 hour weeks and am still finding myself struggling to reach all the deadlines I've been given. I'm putting a lot of myself into my work out of necessity, but am getting very little (aside from a pay packet) out the other end. I need to find my true calling in life, or at least find a job I can be passionate about. Perhaps I'll go back to uni to study or take a big pay cut; whatever I need to make a change. I have relatively inexpensive tastes and can work hard if I need to, so I know that I can make this happen.

So my plan is to start researching other paths in life. I'm not in a great rush, but I'd like to be on a different road by the end of the year.

I'd also like to briefly talk about point 3. It probably seems an in-vogue topic right now, but I feel really strongly that we're all being disconnected by media use and spending our lives looking at screens and not interacting with others. I'm definitely a culprit too! The allure of finding something else to read, another video to watch, or a post from someone to read can be tough to resist.

My partner and I regularly try to leave our phones behind when we leave the house, but I'd like to start expanding that to evenings without any media content - no computers or screens of any kind. I don't want to live a mindless life; I want to make a difference and I'm convinced that's done in the real world rather than behind a screen. Don't get me wrong, there are some amazing things people have done through the modern technology we live in, but I also believe we live in a more fucked up world than we've ever been in before.

Just some food for thought. I'll try to write again soon.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 101

I made it past 100! I also received some good new at work today, which should lessen the pressure on me considerably and has put me in a really good mood.

I had a relatively sleepless night yesterday, which was my first one in quite a while. My partner wanted to try sleeping in a different position on the bed and I just couldn't get to sleep. I maybe got an hour or two in total, but it wasn't enough. Hopefully the good news today will settle my mind and allow me to catch up a bit tonight.

I think the work news might be the break I've been looking for. On the whole things have been looking up for the last month or so, but my workload has been the big stumbling block that I can't get over. Whilst long work hours may be acceptable for some people it's not something I can put up with for too long, particularly when I'm not doing something I'm passionate about.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Today I'm counting my blessings and feel thankful for this process that I'm undertaking. Bring on the next 100 days.

 

[marsturm]

Congratulations, HnH!!! Well done! Keep up the good work, you are an inspiration.