Time to stop lying...

[lyon03]

Day 33
I still don't understand the root cause of my desire to use... Is it now just habit from years and years of using, or do some of the underlying issues that caused me to use for the first time as a child still exist? What does healthy sexuality look like - is it the same for every person? If people have had a particular fetish or fantasy that dominated their life have they been able to get over it, or does a part of it always remain? I feel like a long way from the answers now, but have to believe I can uncover some knowledge and understanding through this process that will help me in the future.

This is a great thread and very well written. So thank you very much for sharing so openly and honestly. If you haven't already done so, I'd download an e-copy of "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson. While the book doesn't delve into healthy sexuality (what's healthy anymore?) it does explain the neuroscience of our addiction and touches on the issue of why we focus on strange and new fetishes. If you haven't already read it, I found when I did it helped me get proper perspective on my PMO addiction.

Keep posting and stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 35

I've already downloaded a copy of the book so I'm going to start reading it on my commute to work today. My pondering was more focused on if underlying my addiction and fetish there was a general preference for more athletic women, or whether that's due solely to my addiction. Perhaps the book will reveal the answer, or perhaps the outcome is different for every person. Either way I know that I want, even need, to have a healthier sexuality and attitude towards women and to stop objectifying some of them, so this is a journey that I need to undertake.

Yesterday was one of the more difficult days this week; there were several moments when my cravings were trying to force their way in during meetings at work. When I'm not actively doing something it's a lot easier for these thoughts to come in. It really does feel as though a part of my conscience is trying to fight these efforts that I'm making to get healthier, which from the reading I've done is a good sign.

Just one more work day to get through this week before the weekend, which I'm really looking forward to. I feel more vulnerable when I'm away from my partner, so I know I have to be even stronger during the week days. I can do this.

 

[CrateDane]

Congratulations on making it this far. There is nothing bad about having a fetish such as muscular women and I doubt it is rooted completely in your addiction, it is probably your true body preferance but since it made up such a big part of your addiction it can feel wrong.

I must say, reading a journal from its start to end can be pretty heartbreaking.
Reading the guy's notes from each day and how he struggles and then looking on the date of the post and his last reset, knowing that he will relapse in 3 days. It's pretty powerful.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 5

Why do we use? It's a question I've asked myself consistently over the past few days after I failed again last week. I've reflected on my previous failures and the only positive thing my use has given me is stimulation in that moment, but beyond that it's all negative. I know I can't use any more, I know that my addiction is holding myself back and that I can't become the person I want whilst I'm still feeding it, but I still find myself slipping up. If I'd not given in on my first reboot attempt then I could be near 90 days now and perhaps gaining some of the benefits of recovery, but instead I find myself starting all over again.

As much as anything I owe it to myself to have a successful reboot. When I started this journey I didn't understand the full scale of the problem; how difficult it would be to overcome the hurdles in the way and how much I've been affected by my addiction. At times my mind has tried to convince me that perhaps I could live with it, but it really does hold me back in so many ways and I need to experience life without my addiction, at least for 3 months, 6 months, a year and more.

I've set myself a more ambitious initial target of 90 days. I believe it's achievable and I'm determined to hit that target. I'm going to read as much as I can about addiction and how it changes the brain - I'm already almost halfway the YBOP eBook - and try to keep on top of any moments of doubt I have along the way. It won't be easy, but I need to do this.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Congratulations on making it this far. There is nothing bad about having a fetish such as muscular women and I doubt it is rooted completely in your addiction, it is probably your true body preferance but since it made up such a big part of your addiction it can feel wrong.

I must say, reading a journal from its start to end can be pretty heartbreaking.
Reading the guy's notes from each day and how he struggles and then looking on the date of the post and his last reset, knowing that he will relapse in 3 days. It's pretty powerful.

Thanks for your post on my journal and my sincere apologies for failing in my latest reboot attempt. I feel like I've let down many more people than just myself and my partner.

At the moment I don't feel like I have an understanding of my full sexuality. I believe my sexuality was stunted by my use of media from a relatively young age and didn't develop as it could have done.

I think it's highly likely that I'll always be extremely attracted to muscular women - I can't imagine ever not being so - but at the moment my interactions are one-way through a medium where I'm objectifying these women and placing them on a pedestal.

I'm not yet as educated as I'd like to be on the subject of fetishes, but they can be damaging. I think there's a big difference between having a preference or type and having a strong fetish whereby you think of little else sexually, and at the moment I'm a long way from healthy in that regard.

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother! Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly. With respect, I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. Focus on recovery through becoming a better person rather than porn-induced fetishes. Obsess about life, health, work, and anything non-porn related. Once the porn fog has lifted after a few months' recovery, only then can you safely determine your sexual preferences. Obsessing about this now is just a sneaky form of addiction in my opinion. Porn obsession starts with doubt, then fantasy, then remembering videos, then you're back relapsing. We are addicts because we obsess about our addictions, sometimes in very subtle ways. What you're doing right now is a bit like a heroin addict pondering whether she prefers smoking or shooting drugs. In the heat of addiction, you lack the mental capacity for rational thought. Kill the addiction first by finding another healthy obsession and I believe your sexuality will naturally take care of itself. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   

 

[johngalt75321]

Hi Heaven,

I just read through your journal, and man, I so relate! Don't waste time feeling bad about previous failures. All that does is make you want to quit and stop posting here. All you can do is move forward. And don't forget, even if you relapse once a week (which would not be good), it is still way better than what you were doing before you tried to stop (which I'm guessing was PMO everyday).

EVEN WHEN YOU FAIL YOU ARE STILL MAKING PROGRESS OVERALL IF YOU KEEP TRYING!

I agree with Lyon-try not to think about porn all the time. For me, I'm finally making some progress, and I think one reason is because I'm just not thinking about PMO or hookups that much--I've been too busy with work and the gym. If you do think about PMO, it should be purposeful (like reading YBOP or this forum). But try not to let your mind wonder-don't even think about the reboot more than you can help. Thinking about not doing PMO still keeps your brain focused on PMO which makes this much harder.

The other problem with thinking about it is that your brain is a rationalizing mother f*cker! It will say anything to get you to break. Best not to listen to it at all about this.

Anyway, you should be proud that you had the courage to admit that you lied and for getting back on track! You will beat this as long as you keep trying!!!

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Thanks for both of your responses. I'm certainly not trying to focus on porn, particularly my particular type of porn; I just use my time journaling here to reflect upon my addiction and how I'm coping with my reboot. I'm trying to keep myself busy and know that I can beat this addiction, however much it tries to stay alive.

Day 6

Sometimes I do struggle to keep my addiction from the forefront of my mind. I believe that I'm learning better how to do this and I'm understanding the triggers and moments when I'm most susceptible, but I haven't yet managed a full day when my mind hasn't at least tried to flicker there for one second. I accept that I'm not perfect, but would like to think progress is being made and I really want to beat this addiction so badly now that I know I can and will do it.

Using right now feels like the furthest thing from my mind, but its also been like this for the previous reboot attempts so I'm not getting complacent. When in doubt I just need to remind myself of how much it sucked when I failed last time, and how good I'll feel if I manage to hit my target.

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[lyon03]

Early days brother but you're on the right track. I just hit 49 but today felt like day 7 for me as well I was rather down in the dumps. What has changed is I'm not fighting this alone and neither are you. To relapse now would be to let everyone down who's reading these posts. Yes you have to do it for yourself, but there is an entire army of people also standing shoulder-to-shoulder fighting with you. Be well. PORN IS DEFINITELY NOT AN OPTION.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hey Heaven,

It sounds like you are taking this seriously and making good progress. Just a thought though: you mentioned "I haven't yet managed a full day when my mind hasn't at least tried to flicker there for one second."

I wouldn't worry about this-we can't control what random thoughts pop into our heads. All we can control is what we do after the thought occurs. Do we dwell on these thoughts, or do we shut them down and say "nope, not thinking about that! I'm going to focus on something more productive, like work, calling a friend, etc." As long as you shut down "bad" thoughts, you are winning this fight.

Rock on!

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

It really helps to know that there are people behind me and that I'm not doing this alone. Thanks to the support - it means more than I can express in words.

Day 7

As we approach Christmas I know in my heart that I'm 100% not going to fail before then. I try to be ever positive in my approach, but sometimes there's a certainty that doesn't always exist. There's just too much to do before Christmas, and using again now would be so disastrous that it's just not going to happen. I have to take that attitude beyond Christmas and into the period before the new year, as it makes the bumps along the way much easier to navigate.

Overall I feel like I'm making steady progress in my life. I'm managing to get the things I need to done and some of the backlog that previously existed is being cleared. Things are yet where I want them to be, but it's all heading in the right direction. Next year can be the best year in my life if I want it to be and work for it to be so.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 10

What an exhausting weekend - it was a real emotional rollercoaster as my partner & I tried to sort through some long-standing issues that challenged our relationship. Central to everything is my addiction and the lies that I've told accompanying it. My addiction is threatening to ruin everything good in my life, and today I understand more than ever how much I need to give it up.

The good news is that I've reached Day 10 and with my new-found knowledge feel more determined than ever to get healthy. I'm trying to read more information about addiction, particularly porn-related, so I don't fall off the tracks further down the road. I've made it to this stage twice before, so know that the hard work is still in front of me.

When things were difficult my mind certainly drifted more towards my addiction more than it normally does; I guess it's just years of habit and conditioning from using porn as a method to self-sooth that makes my mind naturally wanders there in times of deep stress. I need to develop healthier methods of self-soothing and to constantly restate that PORN IS NOT AN OPTION, no matter what.

 

[lyon03]

Well done for talking to your significant other (SO). Now there are two of you battling this addiction. Open/honest communication is another weapon to destroy your porn habit. Be strong. Indeed PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hey Heaven,

Congrats on making it to day 10! And for coming clean with the SO. Try not to think of this as "giving porn up" but rather allowing yourself to "get" everything that porn has gotten in the way of. You're not "depriving" yourself of porn, but rather, porn is "depriving" you of the life you could have. If you let yourself feel deprived, this negative feeling can lead to self-pity which will make this road more difficult.

I'm also just past 10 days, and for me, this is when it can really get tough, because the mental addiction is suddenly accompanied with serious, profound, physical horniness. This may be not an issue for you, since you can "re-wire" with your SO (I'm single, so no release for me, at the moment, lol). But regardless, it really helps if you can replace porn and its role as a stress-reliever with a new activity. For example, I'm doing my best to become a fitness nut (and this is coming from s guy who hates veggies and exercise!)! It's a new challenge that devours my attention and is a great stress reliever. It also keeps me too physically tired/sore to even want PMO, lol. But it doesn't have to be exercise--you just have to find something to occupy your time so you don't even think about PMO.

Stay strong, my friend!

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 11

Yesterday was a struggle. It felt like my brain was fighting for a way for me to feed my addiction - looking for a  way for it to co-exist with my life and telling me I could be healthy if I used in moderation. I'm glad that I didn't give in; those are the sort of thoughts that led me to fail previously and I can't go down that path again. I know that I can't live with this addiction and that I have to kick this habit for good.

Your support really does help, previously it felt like it was just me & my partner together, but the added support is keeping me afloat. I don't want to let you guys down, I don't want to become another statistic of failure. I want to be able to inspire people by showing that this is possible.

I was guilty in my first reboot attempt of taking this too lightly. I know how difficult beating this addiction is going to be, and I truly understand why I need to do this now. Beating this addiction will free me up. I'm not sure what's on the other side, but I need to find out and there's no point in delaying this any further. Part of my mind will continue to persuade me to look once more, that my addiction can be cured at a later date, but it can't. One more look is never an option. Porn is not an option.

 

[lyon03]

Atta boy! You have to be 100% committed to no PMO. Anything less will lead to relapse. Sounds like withdrawal is kicking in so be prepared. Make a back up plan for when the urges get bad which should include: being around people (don't isolate yourself); work off the sexual energy through exercise; get a buddy/sponsor you can call if the urges are too bad; or just read 'Your Brain on Porn' whenever the urges get too bad. I'm rooting for you brother. Soon 12 days will be weeks, then months, then years. But the first 30 were definitely hardest for me. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[marsturm]

Hello HnH, I loved reading your thread and thanks for your honesty.

Hope it's OK for you if I comment on your willingness to come clean with your past with the help of a counselor: I believe that it is not important to know exactly where your addiction is coming from or to examine every detail of your past in order to not cause a relapse again; instead, focus on the good feelings and don't bother finding out about where your bad feelings come from. If you keep it simple, the only thing worth focusing on is to stay away from PMO. Thinking about it incessantly doesn't make this easier.

I suggest you read "The Serenity Principle" by Joe Bailey. After attending SLAA for years, I realised that talking about my problems all the time and making my inventory of the past and present, this is what made me NOT move on. What made me move on is a change in consciousness that happened by itself. And I am sure it would have happened faster without all my analyzing.

The biggest insight for me so far has been that I need to be willing to see how dangerous and destroying watching porn is to make me stop. If I have an attitude of "But I want to!" I will relapse, as my history has shown many, many times. Your consciousness has to change, and you cannot force this.

Stay strong and keep posting. Much love. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. You can do it!

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 17

My intentions to post at least every couple of days have slipped over the Christmas period as we've been busy entertaining guests and having a genuinely fantastic time. The good/excellent news is that I haven't slipped up in my latest reboot attempt and knowing that I'm already at day 17 is a great feeling.

There have been a few difficult moments when I thought that I might slip up, but I am committed to giving this a real go and want to reach 90 days & beyond and experience the changes that will occur. I made a promise to my partner that I wouldn't fail during the Christmas and New Year period, so I'm doubly determined to keep to that promise and to see this through. After that we have plans together which I'm confident will help keep me on the right track, providing we go through we them.

I want to live a life free from this addiction. This has been my most difficult reboot of the 3 that have reached at least 15 days - the urges and cravings to use have been intense - but I understand this isn't an easy process and there will be some bumps along the way.

I hope you all had a great Christmas and have kept to your reboots. Knowing that there are so many others out there doing this as well giving each other support is a big boost in the low moments. I appreciate every single post that I receive on this journal and take all the advice I receive seriously.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 18

Yesterday was tough... it was my first day back in the office after the Christmas break and I really struggled, particularly in the afternoon. I'm finding it difficult to cope with my workload, which is in turn making me want to use to help me deal with the stress. I managed to stay strong; I've promised myself, my partner and the support here that I would, but it wasn't easy. I just need to say no and focus on other ways to get me through difficult moments.

I discussed some strategies with my partner which should enable me to get on top of my workload without failing in the same ways as before. I'm determined to reach this 90 day target and to then set myself new goals afterwards. 2015 will be the year that I transform in several ways and I can't afford to start it by slipping up again. I just need to turn my back in difficult situations and to make better decisions all round.

I don't want to be a person who has a hidden dirty secret. I want to put that behind me for good - to discover new parts of me that have previously been overshadowed by my porn habit. One day at a time I will get there. Porn isn't an option. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 19

I had a long discussion with my partner late into the evening and I'm not sure where it leaves me or us; the new year suddenly feels more cloudy as I can no longer see the path we'll take so clearly.

One thing I am sure of is that my addiction has brought much damage to my life and I need to try to live without it. I need to experience a healthier sexuality and make long lasting changes to my life that can allow me to fulfil my potential and hopefully live a much more satisfying existence.

I don't want to, and can't afford to, return to my old habits. This reboot is about tackling something that has held me back my whole life and I have to confront it and deal with it. I have a future on the other side of this. It may be unwritten, but I need to see what it looks like and feels like. Now is not the time for slipping... I need to be strong with this.