Time to stop lying...

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 4

Day 3 wasn't as productive as I would've liked, but I did try to work solidly throughout the day and there were no moments where I even came close to using. The only cravings I experienced where quite mild in the late afternoon, but it was relatively easy to put them aside and focus back on my work.

My partner had a whole series of small tasks to achieve in the evening, which kept me occupied and my mind far away from any thoughts that could lead me off track. It also made me feel like progress was being made, which is something I haven't really talked about before, but which really helps with my overall happiness.

Unfortunately though, I didn't have the best night's sleep. I know there will be many more interrupted night's sleep during this process, but I hope that they ease up as I get nearer and beyond my targets.

I've made a work plan for today which should keep me occupied and far away from trouble. If everything goes to plan I'll be able to get a whole load of work done and will be really satisfied when I reach the evening. I know I won't use today, but I also want it to be a productive day.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 5

Another restless night, ugh. Good night's sleep have been so far and between recently. I think I'm dealing with the lack of sleep well, and once I'm up and about it's not a real issue, but it's not sustainable long term.

So day 4 was a mixed bag. The highlight was definitely the lack of any major cravings. A couple of times my mind very briefly drifted, but I didn't dwell on anything. I could've been more productive at work; I got a decent amount done, but not as much as I'd hoped. The evening was also mixed. The counseling session wasn't as productive as I hoped it'd be and a serious discussion with my partner made me realise how far I've got to go, beyond just tackling this addiction.

I do still feel 100% committed to this and know I'm capable of reaching my targets and becoming a better person.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 6

I need sleep. I had my most restless night's sleep for weeks, which is quite an impressive feat. My brain and body is just crying out for a decent 8 hours sometime soon.

Day 5 was a much more productive day at work. I managed to knock a couple of things off my work to-do list and feel good about the progress that I made. I'm going on holiday with my partner in just over a week, so I've set myself an ambitious target of completing a boat load of work by then, as well as keeping 100% clean.

The second part of that is going really well. I can't really remember any cravings from yesterday at all. There will be more difficult days to come in this reboot, of that I have no doubt, but right now I'm feeling very positive of getting through the low points. Maybe that'll be challenging with some more sleepless nights and when the cravings go up a few more notches, but I know that this is the right path to take and I'm sticking with it through thick and thin.

I'm closing in on day 7, which is my first target. I've absolutely no doubt in my mind that I'll reach at least that, and then I'll set my mind to the start of our holiday. If I make that, which I'm also very confident of, I should definitely be able to get up to nearly a month and better my previous 24 days. Happy times.

 

[nobother]

HeavenxxnxxHell:

I admire your honesty in one of your posts where you confessed that you lied to us.  It's okay.  We don't judge.  I am on Day 2 of rebooting.  My father was an alcoholic - and their motto was: One day at a time.

Just remember:  You can't dip your toes in the pool.  You will either swim or stay dry.  There is no in-between.  There is no such thing as "a little" porn.  I know it's hard.  No cheating.  Narcotics Anonymous has a thing:  Can't go back to the corner.  Meaning - stay away from those sites that will take you back.

You can do this.  We can do this.  One day at a time.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

HeavenxxnxxHell:

I admire your honesty in one of your posts where you confessed that you lied to us.  It's okay.  We don't judge.  I am on Day 2 of rebooting.  My father was an alcoholic - and their motto was: One day at a time.

Just remember:  You can't dip your toes in the pool.  You will either swim or stay dry.  There is no in-between.  There is no such thing as "a little" porn.  I know it's hard.  No cheating.  Narcotics Anonymous has a thing:  Can't go back to the corner.  Meaning - stay away from those sites that will take you back.

You can do this.  We can do this.  One day at a time.

Thank you nobother - I appreciate the support.

As much as anything I have to be honest with myself. I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I've been telling the truth when I reach 7 days, when I reach 25 days and so on.

I've lied to myself and I've lived with this addiction for too long. I have the knowledge to conquer it now, and it'd be a massive waste to live on without doing everything I can to try to a become healthier person.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 7

Finally a better night's sleep! It wasn't perfect by a long way, but I managed a good 4-5 hours before waking up for the first time and feel a bit more refreshed than in recent days. I took a natural sedative which my doctor recommended to me, which may have helped. Either way it's nice to have a bit of normality back.

I worked at home yesterday, which with my partner around is good in terms of keeping my mind off my addiction. I had a slow start to the work day, but managed to get a decent amount done in the late afternoon and early evening. I can be much more productive however, there was too long spent not being 100% focused and I know I'm capable of much more. My partner also has higher expectations of me, which is completely reasonable.

So 7 days was my first mini goal, and I'm glad to reach it without coming close to a slip up. I can't afford to mess up again, and certainly can't afford to lie about messing up again. Anyway, this time it's for real - I'm convinced of that. I'm going to reach 25 days, and I'm going to reach 50 days, and far beyond both of those targets. I'll do what it takes to overcome this addiction and to live a better life.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 8

Another good night's sleep! Relative to the past couple of weeks at least... I feel quite energised for the day ahead and am excited to have passed the 7 day mark.

Yesterday was really successful in terms of getting things done. I pretty much worked from morning until late at night and made some real progress, which always leaves me feeling in a good mood.

Saturday should be a good day. We're going on holiday in just over a week, which is keeping me going at the moment. There's a few things to get done today, but nothing too stressful and I should be able to have a good relaxing day.

Cravings have definitely been down for the last few days. There have certainly been moments when I've thought about my addiction, but they're relatively few and far between compared to my earlier attempts. I think I'm learning better how to change my mindset when it drifts into that realm.

Still, an awful long way to go if I want to actually get the better of this. I'm taking things day by day, but know that I can keep this going for a long time and hopefully never have to return to my former ways.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 9

I think I'm coming down with an illness. My partner has been unwell for a couple of weeks with a sore throat and I seem to have caught it from her. Hopefully it's not as serious as she's had it, as I want to be at 100% for our holiday. Being sick will also (likely) make it harder to get through the next week, which is really important to me.

Saturday was slightly off. I worked for several hours which was very satisfying (in terms of catching up), but having to work outside my work hours is having a toll on my relationship that I'd like to avoid. It's a difficult balance - trying to keep on top of everything, the pressures in my professional and personal life - whilst also having to focus on overcoming my addiction.

At least the latter part seems to be progressing well. I'm feeling strong in that regard and know that I can keep this up. It makes me feel good that I know I can get through the next week, and hopefully after then things start to get a little easier.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 10

I'm struggling with illness and think it might be this way for at least the next week if not longer. My throat feels like it has been tortured for the past 24 hours and my chest is starting to feel tighter. I'm actually doing slightly better than my partner, who is really struggling with this bug.

Apart from illness day 9 was actually quite good. We managed to get a number of things on our to-do list done, and I also caught up on some more work. I need to put in a really good week's work over the next 5 days or so before I go on holiday. If I manage that I know that I'll leave in really good spirits and very positive for the future.

A couple more minor cravings yesterday, but still nothing serious. I'm feeling close to my partner and hope we can continue to grow that bond. Addiction just drives me away and leaves me in solitude, so I can't allow that to happen again.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 11

The good news is that I'm already starting to feel a bit better. I never shake off illnesses quickly so it'll probably hang around for a long time, but it seem to have mutated from a sore throat into a more common cold.
The bad news is that I had another poor night's sleep. I've been struggling again the last few days and the feelings of general tiredness are returning.

Day 10 was a relative success. I managed to keep my focus for almost all the day, particularly at work, and have been making some real progress in that area. I'm never going to get everything I'd like to done before our holiday, but it feels good to be putting a real effort in.

Speaking of which it was probably one of the most craving-free days of this reboot. I can't remember any real moments of doubt or weakness. This time really does feel different. A new life awaits if I can keep this going, which sounds much more tempting than going back to my addiction.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 12

Another day in the books and Day 11 was a good one. I'm really managing to focus at work and I'm not getting distracted like I used to. I feel like I've made some significant improvements to my habits over the past few weeks.

There were a couple of moments when my mind wandered to my addiction, notably when I was stuck in a boring meeting for almost 90 minutes, but I didn't let it linger and consciously made an effort to think of something else.

So there's only 3 more days to get through before I leave on holidays. Everything seems to be going on plan in this 3rd reboot attempt - I hope I can manage to keep it up. I feel like this time I can really make it.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 13

Day 12 passed without much drama. I'm coming to accept that I'm not going to be able to achieve everything I'd like to before I go on holiday, so I'm just trying to do as much as I can to the best of my ability. I've made some really good improvements to my work life that should stand me in good stead for the rest of the year, and hopefully for the rest of my life.

There's not too much else to really comment on about yesterday. We had a positive counselling session, or at least it was positive from my side. It felt good to talk about some of my struggles and issues and to feel that there is some light at the end of the tunnel. There's still a long journey for me to take outside of my addiction. I'm not entirely sure what the future holds, but I'm very confident that it'll be brighter than the present.

So it's Day 13 today. 13 is my partner's favourite number. I don't place too much importance in things like that, but I understand their value to people. We need things to look forward to, to hold onto and to claim as our own.

I'm just about half way towards my target, which is making me feel very good. I'm very confident that I'm going to make it to at least 25 days, then I'll have to consider what my next target is. Do I go for something really ambitious, like 100 days, or do I take smaller steps and try to hit more targets along the way? Thinking out loud I think smaller targets are probably better. Hitting targets is a really good feeling, so if it's too far away then I won't get to experience that often enough.

 

[nobother]

Don't make too easy to obtain yet too hard to obtain.  Something in the middle.....so that you have to s-t-r-e-t-c-h to get it - but not so far out that you might get discouraged.

You have passed me for time away from PMO.  Congratulations.  Celebrate the small victories.  I suggest chocolate.  Chocolate seems to make everything better.

Hope you are well.  Keep up the forward progress.

Like they say in my neck of the woods:  Pray for rain but keep on hoeing.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 14

Ah, yes, chocolate. I celebrate my small victories in the day with chocolate. If I manage to focus all morning at work then I allow myself a little chocolate at lunchtime, and similarly if I make it to the end of the day.

So my partner is really struggling with her illness, which is making me concerned. We've got a long flight ahead of us, so I just hope that she manages to make it through that without it getting any worse, as she can see a doctor at the other end. My illness seems to be fading away, at least to a manageable degree, so I'm definitely more concerned with her at the moment.

Day 13 was a success at work. I've been really focused for the past week now and know that when I leave tomorrow I'll have really earned my break. I just need to replicate that today.

Cravings are still not a major issue, but it was another restless night's sleep. I'm still feeling a lot of pressure in my life - from my partner, to beat this addiction and at work - which I think is the major issue. Hopefully some rest will do it some good.


PS. Keep going nobother!

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 15

Holiday time! By a small miracle I managed to get everything at work that I needed to and will be leaving in good spirits. I just hope that flights we have to take aren't too painful.

I had an open and honest discussion with my partner yesterday and I'm going to be more honest with my changes in moods and any cravings that I have going forwards. She's not convinced that I'm going about this reboot the right way, and I'll do whatever it takes to for it to be a successful. It's true that for the last couple of weeks I've been able to really focus on my work which has pushed my addiction to one side, but now that won't be an issue for the next 2 weeks so I'm going to have to face it head on.

I want to be clean, I want to be honest and I want to get over this addiction. I want to live a healthy life, have a healthy sex drive and not be tempted to slip back into my old habits.

The hardest part is still to come, but this journey was never going to be easy.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 18

4 days into holiday and everything is progressing well. The long flight was exhausting and it took some time to adjust to the time difference, but I feel settled and relaxed now.

I've had some cravings over the last few days, particularly during the long flight, but I feel very in control of my actions. I need to beat this addiction, for myself as much as anyone else.

Not having work to occupy my mind is a strange feeling. I've been so focused on work in the past couple of weeks that it has been easier than before to put my addiction to one side. I'm interested to see how my brain reacts over this time off. I have all the tools now to beat this, so I'll have to put them to use.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 32

Holiday time is over and it's back to 9-5 reality. I always knew that I'd be able to get through the 2 weeks of our holiday without giving in to my addiction, but the real challenge starts now. I've set myself a new goal of reaching the end of this year - I think having things to look forward to helps. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but having Christmas and the New Year in sight makes it easier. I want to make it to the New Year 54 days strong, knowing that my future can be different.

I'm experiencing some form of cravings every single day. They vary in length and intensity; sometimes they're easy to brush aside, sometimes it's a real struggle. It's like a part of me so badly wants to be satisfied by looking at media, but I know it's not a solution and I can't give in to those voices.

I still wonder what living without my addiction would be like; if it's possible for me to have healthy sexuality, or if I'll always have these cravings in some form. The thing that drives me on, as much as anything, is that right now I can see what not attempting this looks like and it's not where I want to be. This path may be unknown, but it has so much possibility for a more healthy and satisfying life. I just want to be the best me that I can be, for both myself and the ones that I love, and my addiction has held me back in that regard.

It helps to know that I'm not alone in trying to tackle my issues; that there are others who have similar problems and are trying to beat them. I want to be a success and to show that it is possible, but I still have a long way to go. I just need to keep the end goal in mind and get through day by day when the going gets tough.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Welcome back from the holiday HnH. Doing a great job, stay the course!

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 33

Being back in my 'normal' environment feels different than before my holiday. Maybe it's just a period of readjustment and I'll settle down into a routine again that will feel more familiar. The world seems a slightly different place than the one I left and I feel a bit disconnected at present.

At present my cravings are worst in the mid afternoon, when my mind is slightly fatigued from working for several hours and it needs a break. I'm thankful that I'm going through a really busy period at work, as without being able to focus on what needs to be done I fear for what I might do. As stated in my previous post, I'm just trying to make it through each day at a time; even if that means I just have to tell myself sometimes "at least don't fail today, you can reconsider this path another day".

I still don't understand the root cause of my desire to use... Is it now just habit from years and years of using, or do some of the underlying issues that caused me to use for the first time as a child still exist? What does healthy sexuality look like - is it the same for every person? If people have had a particular fetish or fantasy that dominated their life have they been able to get over it, or does a part of it always remain? I feel like a long way from the answers now, but have to believe I can uncover some knowledge and understanding through this process that will help me in the future.

 

[HeavenxxnxxHell]

Day 34

This week seems to be dragging somewhat. I think it may be the consequence of having to work again after a 2-week break, but I'm really looking forward to the weekend. The plus side is that means I can still get a lot more done this week, but I have to keep sharp and make sure fatigue doesn't lead me to give in to my inner demons.

I'm not sure what to say about my addiction that I haven't touched on before. The cravings are still there intermittently; I feel more under threat when my mind is tired and I'm not focusing on what needs to be done. I know that I can beat this and that I've made a positive start to doing so, but there's still such a long way to go.

Today I just need to focus on what needs to be done. I know that things are in place for a better future for me, but I have to get through this period now to reach that future, so I need to ensure that I don't slip up. Keep the end goal in mind.