From BDSM fap addiction to loving relationship

P

phpt

Member
Hi All,

My name is Pippin. I'm 29 years old, and I have been struggling with a fap/porn/sex chatting addiction for a very very long time.
I have acknowledged that this is a problem several times before, but have never managed to get the discipline and find the energy to really fight this thing.

However, especially the last year I've realized more and more how much this is slowly ruining me. Although I've had some kinky interests as long as I can remember, the constant fapping on porn and sex chatting websites has escalated my relatively innocent fantasies to pretty extreme hardcore BDSM. Stuff that now turns me on behind the computer screen are things I never ever would want to experience myself.

Although the intensity of me watching these things varies throughout the year, it's pretty clear that I'm addicted and that it is ruining my life. Especially my social/love life.

Although I know I'm gay I have never had a boyfriend, and never had a loving relationship with anyone. Despite strong cravings for BDSM porn/chatting, I know deep down that what I really want is a warm loving relationship. This is even more confirmed by my experience real-life with BDSM. Although I never experienced the extreme stuff I watch online, I did experiment several times with BDSM in real life. And guess what? It never really turned me on that much real life. So another sign that my brain is totally sensitized to the porn, not to my real sexual desires.

I'm feeling so stuck now that I know that this porn addiction is the thing that is preventing me from having a relationship. I guess because I know and feel deep down that I am so sensitized to porn, I won't be able to 'perform' during real sex. This deep insecurity
is what probably has ruined every romantic date i've had.

So: it's time to really start to get rid of this BDSM fapping addiction. As I've been addicted for over a decade, I don't think expect it will become easy, but that doesn't mean I can't do it.  Few months ago I started with Zen meditation, and I have the feeling that this may be the perfect tool to help me deal with this addiction.

My plan:
-I'll start with 30 days nofap.
-delete all my sex chatting apps
-block all porn websites on my browser
-meditate 3x per day for 20 minutes
-turn of all my electronic devices after 20:00

My motivational vision for the future:
To motivate myself, I see myself with my future relationship. Anytime I feel tempted to fap to BDSM porn/chats, I remind myself of my deepest desire: a loving relationship.

Lets do this!

 
P

phpt

Member
Wow. So 9 days went by. What happened?

I managed to get two streaks of 4 days, both ending in relapse. So a bit frustrating.
But I also learned a lot about. This addiction is quite a lot stronger than I initially thought. Probably bud to the meditation and because I?m now working on quitting, I start to notice how often I feel urges to fap to bdsm stuff. I was even sex chatting at work, which is of course very very risky. All the more reason to get this thing under control.

One thing i noticed is that the urges start during the morning at breakfast, keep distracting me throughout the day and then end with a big relapse in the evening. So one good start is to put my phone away during breakfast. And keep it in my bag at work. That should make it easier to stay focused on work, and other things in life in general.

Another thing I notice is how much energy these chatting falling sessions drain from me. Partially cause I go to bed a bit later, but also because it feel like it totally sucks out all energy and joy from my brain once I?m finished. So hopefully I?ll get a bit more energised as well by quitting this addiction.

Today is day 0 again. How I feel:
-Energy 3/10
-Focus 5/10
-Motivation 4/10
-Joy 3/10
-Cravings 6/10
 
S

Stiffy999

Active Member
Hey Pippin,
never let relapse return you to your old habits.A good way that worked for me to resist the urges was that i wrote down in my phone(bcs I used it for PMO so if you use laptop or PC for PMO you should write it down there) all of the negative effects I experience after a relapse and main reasons why I shouldn't fap(like staying a virgin forever,never experiencing joy of sex that everybody experiences,staying forever attached to digital stimulation etc.) and just read it repeatedly even hundred times if needed to cool of my mind.
Stay strong bro,wish you luck.
 
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P

phpt

Member
Wow. This month is flying by fast.

Currently I'm doing quite well. I feel I may have reached some kind of turning point. I'm currently at a 6 day streak, as the last time I fapped with BDSM sex chatting was monday.

Looking back my bad habits have been keeping their grip on me for the last few months. Currently, where I live there is a strict lockdown due to the covid situation. Everything is closed. Shops, restaurants, bars, gyms, cinemas, swimming pools, everyting. We are only allowed 1 visitor at home per day. In addition to that we have a curfew during the night. And it kinda looks like this will continue until enough people are vaccinated, which won't happen before summer. So my life is pretty terribly boring at the moment.

So I guess it kinda makes sense my brain is looking everywhere for some dopamine rush. For example, besides fapping I've been eating very unhealthy, just because it tastes good. All in all it resulted in me being very tired lately. Probably the combination of unhealthy food, all this fapping, and not sleeping well.

So it actually feels quite miraculous I now got to a 6 day streak. One thing that really helped me, is meditation. The last 2 weeks I became really disciplined with my meditiation. I now really try to meditate 2x a day for 20 minutes. And if I miss a session, I do an extra session later in the week to compensate. It feels now like I'm slowly regaining control over myself. Its actually quite interesting, as I kinda feel some kind of arm wrestle going on in my brain, between the addiction and my own discipline & self control. I now feel my discipline & self control growing. There's way more moments now where my self control is stronger than the addiction.

So I guess the main thing I will keep on doing the coming weeks and months is meditate. I can't rule out there will be more relapses, but as long as my self control keeps growing, Im on the right path.

Day 6:
-Energy: 7/10
-Focus 6/10
-Motivation 6/10
-Joy 7/10
-Cravings 5/10


 
P

phpt

Member
Day 12

It feels like I've plunged into flatline. The last days I've had absolutely no sexual thoughts, desires or interests. Nearly no thoughts anymore about BDSM or sex chatting. Although I still see who I find attactive and who not, I don't feel any urges, thought or sexual interests. At some point I became a bit worried, whether I may be asexual. Also on previous tinder-dates, I haven't very often felt sexual interest in my dates. Later I realized that this may be because the porn & BDSM sex chatting has completely changed my sexual desires. Years ago when I was less hooked on the more BDSM stuff, I definitively did feel "normal" sexual attaction, and then I still did have "normal" sexual fantasies. So it's simply the porn & sex chatting addiction which has changed these fantasies, to get the biggest dopamine rush.

Since all the covid-lockdown measures and restrictions will probably stay enforced the coming time until enough people are vaccinated, I'll use this time to see how long it takes until I get out of flatline. Like with the covid, no-one really knows how long it will take.
I'm quite curious though, once my sexual feelings have rebalanced, what I will feel. What my sexual interests will be.

For now, I'll just keep on going.

Day 12:
-Energy 7/10
-Focus 6/10
-Motivation 7/10
-Joy 7/10
-Cravings 1/10
 
R

Robert7M

Member
You're are right, your organism can take a little more time to recuparate but When the process will end, you will see how good you will feel.

Go forward,

Goodluck !!
 
P

phpt

Member
Setback. Big time.

The last 9 days I completely lost control. I stopped keeping track of my addiction. All cravings and fantasies "woke up" again and took control. As I didn't keep track anymore of my fapping, I'm not sure how often I relapsed, but at least every other day.

So what happened? I was in flatine, and still I relapsed. I guess I got too relaxed. Fortunately I remember my trigger. I was looking at Tinder profiles, and one profle triggered me. So I started fapping again, which was the first domino stone that triggered a complete collapse of my discipline and progress. I started thinking "ooh I don't have a problem", which removed the need to control my porn addiction. Inevitably I started fapping again to extreme fantasies, stuff of which I know I don't want to experience them ever real life. But as they gave a 'nice' dopamine rush I kept on fapping.

So although I'm dissapointed I broke my longest streak in years, at least I now realize how fragile such a streak is. One relapse can trigger a whole cascade of losing control and continiously fapping to porn again.

Still, my motivation remains. I want to regain my natural sex drive, so I can hopefully at some point start a nice relationship.
I actually recently (before the relapse) had a Tinder date, which made it quite clear that I need to go through this reboot. Although I could see he was good-looking, I knew my attaction towards him was only like 10% of what it would otherwise have been. Which kinda ruined the date, as I felt very little urge to get close/intimate with him.

So for now, I'll remove tinder, and focus on reaching a 30 day streak. By then I'll see how I feel, to detemine how I want to continue.

 
P

phpt

Member
Wow, so it has been almost 3 years since my last post here.
As you might have guessed, I let things slide, and didn't make my 30 day streak. Partially this was due to the extreme boredom during the covid lockdowns, but also because my addicted self started convincing me I am not addicted. Basically I fell back into my old habits.
I guess I had to fall down deep into this dark pit once more to realize how much it is ruining my life. I needed it to realize all the tricks my addicted brain is playing with me.

The thing is, technically I almost completely stopped watching porn. But I replaced it with something worse: sex chatting. I subscribed to gay bdsm and sex dating sites, to chat with people there about doing a BDSM date. This would hugely turn me on, especially when I would be chatting about the more extreme stuff, like pain. I now clearly see my addicted brain tricked me to go on these websites. As I deeply desire to meet someone for a loving relationship, the 'excuse' was that I would meet someone on these chatting sites. While these sites are not built for monogamy, but for hardcore sexdates. And I never intended to actually date the people I was chatting with, the only goal was to edge for hours until orgasm. I had one other sex bdsm though, with someone I know from years back. Although I didn't hate it, it became once again clear that my brain is sensitized to this sex chatting and not to the real thing. In the end he did get me to orgasm by fapping, but only because I was remembering and re-living an extreme bdsm chat I had with another guy. Although nothing bad happend, I didn't really enjoy the date much.

It has once again become so clear to me: I want real intimacy. Like i wrote in my first post. In the last 3 years since my last posts, I have had some romantic dates too. But this never worked out. Probably because my brain has learned it can get its dopamine high far easier through sex-chatting. As a result I was always too anxious during dates, and nearly didn't feel any attraction to my dates; even though I could see with my eyes they were attractive people. This, combined with this last sex date I had, made the core of the problem crystal clear. Through sex-chatting (and porn), I build up horniness for something I know don't enjoy in real life. Which also ruins the chances of me finding a loving partner, which who I can have a real life which I dó enjoy. So, it is time for the reboot of reboots. Time to deal with this inner demon once and for all.

So once again, I deleted all porn from my computer and phones, deleted all accounts from the sex chatting websites. And started a reboot.
Currently I'm on day 4. It is now still calm. But probably the storm of cravings and excuses will start in a couple of days.

I'm now building up a plan and a vision of the future which should help me pull through this storm, and which will help me win the war with these innner demons..
 
P

phpt

Member
Okay, so the last few days I've been thinking a lot. And ironically (and perhaps obviously) I relapsed today. My addicted brain convinced me once again to go sex-chatting. So: I need a plan. A vision for the future to give me motivation to keep going in my reboot. In other words: What is my vision for the future? What is my path towards a porn/sex-chatting free life? What will that life look like?

I've come up with a three-part programme, which should significantly improbe the probability that I'll meet someone for a romantic relationship:

(1) Reboot: teach my
(2) Become physically healthy, fit & attractive again,
(3) re-develop my social skills.

(1): As I mentioned in my previous post(s) my brain is so fucked up right now, that the the things which now make me horny and reach (P)MO
I don't enjoy in real life. Furthermore all this fapping made me lazy: I need to re-teach my brain that I only get this dopamine high from real-life experiences: dating, relationships, taking risks, etc. As a start I first thought to do a 90 day reboot. But I expect I will need longer than these 90 days. Probably more like ~150 days lets make it 5 months. So, until june 9th, no fapping. No orgasm. The only exception would be if I would miraculously meet someone romantically, and sex would lead to orgasm. But I don't see that happening anytime soon if I don't start this 3-part programme.

(2): As my sex-chatting & porn addiction has made me unmotivated & lazy, I gained quite a lot of weight. Around 24kg in the last 5 years. This makes me look fat, makes me feel fat, which in turn makes me feel insecure. So, in parralel to a reboot of 5 months, I will use the coming 5 months to lose weight. This I will do in 2 ways: (1) I recently joined a swimming association. I will swim at least 2-3 times a week, to become fit. (2) I will start a healthy diet, with enough calory deficit to lose ~1 kg of fat per week. As my cholesterol is too high, I anyway need to change my diet, so this is a nice oppurtunity.

(3): In the last years, my social life has become more and more empty. With the covid lockdowns giving the final blow, resulting in me being awkward in social situations. I need to build a new social network, but to do that, I need to re-develop my social skills. There is an app in my country where people organize activities, where other strangers can join and do that activity together. This is a perfect way to practice socialising, because if I fuck up it doesn't matter, since I don't need to see these people again. I want to join such activities, when available, at least 2 times a month. In addition, the swimming association I joined is obviously also a good oppurtunity to get to know new people. The idea is, besides making new friends at some point, these better social skills, will also make me more successful when dating people romantically.

So. The idea is to use the coming 5 months, to work on the three points above. They should not only result in a better life, with new people, but also prepare me to start dating romantically. And that alone should be enough motivation to keep going, and not fuck it up by relapsing.

I will at least once a week write an update here, preferably more often depending on how much time I have.

So, lets go!!
 
P

phpt

Member
Currently I'm on day 4 since my last post and my last relapse. How did it go so far?
Ups and downs. Since the last relapse, the BDSM cravings virtually dissapeared. There were some moments where there was some temptation, but I realize now these were more habitual. For example when I was very bored. Or when I couldn't sleep. These would be moments to fap to porn or sex chatting. But they were very easy to resist. I have a feeling it may now either go into flatline, or there is still a big storm of cravings awaiting around the corner. So I need to remain vigilant.

Regarding the swimming, this week I did very well. For the first time in a long time I joined both swimming trainings at the association this week. It took allmost all of my willpower, but I did it. Still, plenty of area's where I can - and need to - improve.

First of all, I spent way too much of my freetime on instagram watching stupid video's. I guess my brain is looking for a replacement for the dopamin highs. Similarly, I still had food home-delivered too many times this week. Which ruins my plans to lose weight and which costs far too much money. I think also this comes from my addicted brain; as having (Fast)food home delivered gives another dopamine high.

So, for the coming week, I need to keep up the good work with my reboot and swimming, and focus on improving the other issues as well.
 
P

phpt

Member
Day 8.

Things are going quite well. I still have barely any cravings. Here and there I notice, a very weak trigger, mostly when I'm bored or when I can't sleep. But it is not really a craving, it is more that it has become a habit to fap at these moment, so the idea still comes up to fap. It is then pretty easy to resist these ideas.

Physicaly I'm not really in a flatline, as I now regularly wake up with morning wood. Perhaps also a sign that things are healing, as I don't recall this happening before as often as it does now. Mentally, I am experiencing some kind of flatline. My motivation to do anything at all is very low. It was already like this before my reboot, but now it is more obvious, because I no longer have this dopamine high from sex chatting & fapping.

The only thing which really gives me a good feeling is swimming. So I plan to continue doing this.
On this aspect I also realise now how fucked up my brain is. I joined this swimming association last year. I am paying to go swimming 2x a week. But on average, I more swim like 2x a month. Why? Because I'm extremely undisciplined. I have very weak willpower. Probably because for over a decade, I was ruled by my short-term impulses: Watching por/sex chatting instead of exercising/going to bed on time/meeting friends/.... So I now need to teach myself to go for the long term investments. Going swimming even when I don't feel like it. Because I know I will feel amazing when I'm done.

Coming week I'll be on holiday, but when I'm back I definitely want to further train this swimming discipline.
 
P

phpt

Member
Day 11.

So far so good. Still no cravings. Barely any urge comes up to watch porn or do sex chatting. I don't really notice any improvements yet in the areas where the addiction was ruining my life. I'm still very often unmotivated, grumpy, lethargic. I still don't feel any more sexual attraction to other men. I guess this just takes time.

For now I just need to keep going onto this path. The coming week will be easy, as I'm on holiday with a lot of distractions, and anyway little chance to relapse.
 
P

phpt

Member
Day 14
This morning I woke up very horny. Which then turned into a strong craving. But it was different than the addiction cravings from before. It felt more like normal horniness, than the dopamine high I would have during sex chatting.

I think I know what triggered it. Yesterday I went into the Finnish sauna, and at some point someone very hot and attractive walked in. Nothing happened to me "downstairs" at that moment, but it did trigger my interest more than usual. A lot more than usual.

So I see this as a sign that I'm healing. I'm obviously not there yet, as I know if I would start fapping now, it would trigger the whole sex chatting bdsm cascade.

So for now, I need to ride out this urge and keep going...
 
P

phpt

Member
Day 18

So. I'm back from holiday. How did it go the remaining days? A bit of a rollercoaster. Slowly the initial 'interest' after the event in the sauna converted into urges to start sex-chatting again. Which I did for a bit, without fapping. Largely because I was in a cabin with my family, so I couldn't fap anyway. But for the first time there was also a significant part of me which didn't want to fap.

In a way it was a strange experience to see genuine sexual interest convert, or perhaps I should say be hijacked, by the addiction. But probably this was inevitable as this is what has been happening to me for over a decade. However, at some point I was losing interest in the sex chatting, because I wasn't fapping. The no fapping made me suddenly see clearly what I otherwise couldn't see. I first would get a little "dopamine high" from seeing this hot naked person in the sauna. This would then trigger the addiction, making it want more and more of that nice feeling. Which would pull me into the dark hole of sex chatting. Which would then overload the system so I would need more and more extreme stuff to get the same high. Which ends in having no interest in the real life thing anymore.

Although I definitively slipped, I don't see this as a slip & fall, as I didn't fap or reach orgasm during the sex chatting. I see this as a warning. A warning that the addiction will hijack my natural sexual interests when they come back during reboot. So I need to be vigilant. Especially when I notice these natural sexual interests coming back..
 
P

phpt

Member
Day 19. Relapse. :-(
The monster which awakened the last few days took over control. I was naïve. After the "slip but no fall" from yesterday I lost focus. Like a switch changed position in my brain, I started sex-chatting again, in the morning, at work (!!), until I relapsed shortly after I arrived home. And directly after the relapse I knew I failed, and I regretted it. I've been thinking the last few hours, how this could have happened.

As I wrote yesterday, it started last week when I felt a twitch of sexual attraction when I was in a Finnish sauna, which then triggered the addiction, which lead to sex chatting. Which has now, inevitably lead to a relapse.

Although I know that what I'm sex-chatting about, I won't enjoy in real life, I still keep on doing it. Although I have painted a picture of what is there for me at the end of the road if I don't relapse, a relationship, there is a gap in this picture which I now discovered.

The issue is, I'm still very insecure about how I would "perform" in bed in real-life, as I have very little experience. And there is of course the addition which has desensitised me. My addiction is playing a trick with me, that I need to do sex-chatting, to get sex-dates, to become more experienced. So the addicted part of me uses this excuse to allow myself to start sex-chatting. Even though I know that (1) the chatting will very likely not end up in a date, and (2) even if I would have a sex-date I will barely enjoy it. After all I never really enjoyed one-night stands, because it feels very impersonal to me.

So then what? How do I deal with this sexual insecurity? I've prayed to god about this some time ago, but I didn't want to hear the answer. God basically told me that if I would stop sex-chatting and having one night stands, he would give me a partner. So he basically told me to take a leap of faith. That when I'm ready (with my reboot), I should start dating people romantically, and he would help me deal with this anxiety and insecurity.

So. I have made an agreement with myself. I will re-start my reboot. I will re-start my diet. And once I have lost at at least 15kg I will start dating people romantically. And with the right person God will bring onto my path, I will open up, try to build a relationship, and only within that relationship I will have sex. If I fail, I fail, and learn from it and try again. But this is now my only path towards sex.

God has shown me the paths which don't work, so I now need to try the path He told me will work.

Losing the 15 kg will probably take like ~4 months, and this period I will also use as a reboot. Until I lost at least 15 kgs, I will not fap, watch porn, or engage in sex-chatting.
 
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