My journey starts now

[worth_it]

Days 25-27

Hey! So 27 days in, which is one of the biggest achievements of my life. Wow, I did not think I would make it this far, I just thought this forum would be good to complain about how hard it is to get past two weeks but here we are! To recap, the last few days have been challenging at moments but I've continually been pushing through. I had a few tempting moments on the 25th, but those were just general moments where I thought about looking up stuff but didn't do anything. Not too strong of temptations. I'll tell you though, yesterday the 26th day, I had a 10 minute stretch where I was sure I was going to give in. My wife had left, and even though I had mentally prepared for her to leave, I was caught off guard. I watched a TV show (I am still doing lent and no TV, Youtube, internet entertainment, but we have 1 day a week where we can watch TV) and right after I felt extremely triggered. For the first time in a while I thought "wow I could definitely just click a few buttons and get onto the videos I used to watch". It freaked me out. I immediately looked at a couple of P recovery websites and then prayed and that helped a lot. Then I had a dream last night that I relapsed, and in the dream I felt all the regret of relapsing, it felt awful. I never really processed about that today, but it sucked. I woke up and for a second thought I relapsed yesterday, but fortunately I didn't. Today was pretty solid other than that. Had a sabbath and just went on a drive and saw beautiful nature, played music and sang worship songs. Then got home and made food and listened to a podcast and hung out with my wife. Super solid day. Unfortunately, an hour ago I was very tired and was scrolling through emails and tried to find something that might include a photo of a sexualized woman. I did click on an email with a sexualized woman, and fortunately she wasn't like close to naked or anything. Pretty normal photo of a pretty woman and it was almost just like model photography. However, I know stuff like that is just not good for my brain. It may not exactly be peeking, but I am sure it slows down recovery since it probably activates similar brain pathways. I really need to stop doing that, because I have found that junk emails with dating ads are one of my biggest temptations these days since it isn't "technically" P. Honestly, I just need to stay off of email since I rarely have emails that are important outside of my work email. I will say I'm happy about 27 days, but I get so down at night time, feeling like I'm hopelessly addicted. I need to spend more time in prayer over my nights, because I'm sure my wife will be gone at night eventually and I want to be prepared for the trigger. All that frustration aside, I am so excited, because tomorrow will be one month exactly since I PMO'd last. Sure, it's sort of a cheap month since February is so short, but I think this will have been far and away the healthiest streak I've ever experienced. Let's keep it going!

 

[worth_it]

Extra post time! So last night I dreamt very vividly of watching P and woke up close to O, but just fought it off. Also my wife was sleeping right next to me, so I sure wasn't going to try and finish. But it really messed with me. I woke up feeling very similar to when I relapse and that's where I'm at right now. Not like feeling guilt and regret and shame, but feeling mentally foggy, uneasy, awkward and uncomfortable and my positive edge that I've had for the last couple weeks is gone. I'm wondering if I'm hitting a flatline or if I'm just experiencing some side effects of viewing P in dreams. The good news is that I think it's proof of my brain continually rewiring and repairing itself from all the times I PMO'd. But another side effect is that I'm feeling a lot more tempted today starting off. Usually temptations have been at afternoon or night but I'm already tempted and I only woke up a couple hours ago. I'll be praying throughout the day, and just want to be able to enjoy the day because it's beautiful outside and I only work a half shift today.

P dreams can suck eggs. But day 28 is cool!

 

[Redalc]

Hey man. Just found your journal today. Read through all of it. I gotta say. I really appreciate your story, your openness about what?s going on really helps me see that I?m not the only one. I find a lot of similarities with your struggles and what triggers you. Although I?m not married. The same type of motivational hardships you have I have. Anyhow. I hope today goes well the rest of the day for you. I?m currently only on day 15, and nervous about what?s coming and the struggles I know will get harder. But again, I appreciate your perseverance and reading through and seeing how you?ve overcome and had success these last 28 days is super encouraging. Thank you. Please keep it up. You are a help to me and I?m sure many others on here.

 

[worth_it]

Redalc, thank you so much for reaching out. It's such an encouragement that my story is helping you, and that you can relate with my struggles. Today was honestly a hard day for me so your words are very valuable to me. My encouragement to you is to keep up the fight. It'll get both harder and easier at points. There will be moments when you just want to give up but fighting through, look at recovery stories, continue to educate yourself on what's happening in your brain, exercise, get out of your mind and into your body, listen to music, dance, hang out with friends and have a good time, do things that you know are healthy and will make you feel a healthy joy.

Day 28

Well I finally made it. One month without PMO! Holy crap today was hard. Like I said earlier, vivid P dream which sucked bad, made me feel like crap for the first couple hours of the day but journaling helped. Then the rest of the day was alright. I would rate today as a below average day even though it was a half day from work and I got to hang out with friends a fair amount. It was one of those days where I just had that sexual tension in me. Like I know I want a release really bad. It definitely doesn't help that I have been trying to stay away from O during sex with my wife because I heard that can slow down rebooting/rewiring. I've been doing O free for 2 and a half weeks now and it's starting to definitely not feel great. I feel weary, like I have gone through a long journey, feel like I see my destination, only to realize that is the first landmark only about a quarter of the way there. I have made it far, so much farther than I thought I would, but temptation and desire to release are making me feel worse. I know I can overcome this and I know God can help me. It just doesn't feel that way. Even if I feel like garbage for the next week I can keep going. Day 29, I'm ready bring it on.

 

[worth_it]

Today, my wife left and I immediately unblocked all filters on my phone, and typed in P to the search bar. I didn't view it, and I turned it off after but this is basically peeking to me. I know I didn't see any images, but I saw words in the search results that triggered me even more. I need to stop playing this game, because it's going to get me back into a relapse. The last couple of days have been hard mentally, so I think I'm seeking comfort super hard right now. I know with God I can move past this but it feels like such a gigantic wall to get over.

I just want to be free of this and stop coming close to relapsing. I feel like just a few days ago I was feeling very optimistic, like I could overcome any trigger, but now I feel like the slightest thing sets me off. I think the two dreams I had didn't help at all either. I feel like having some fun romantic moments with my wife could help a lot, and prayer and posting on here. I do take comfort in the fact that this seems to be a time that a lot of people have relapsed, around day 30. I know that this can be overcome. Just need to be more careful and aware of the fact that my body is fighting so so hard to get it's biggest dopamine source back. It used to be hyper sensitive to anything remotely sexual so it was easier to point out the moments when I needed to stop. However, now it seems like a lot of those senses have dulled, which is great in one way because I feel stronger now and capable of fighting temptation, but those temptation moments sneak up on me. It's like someone running around with a giant axe, you're gonna sprint away from that guy. But if someone is walking around, he's just another person on the streets and as you're passing by he pulls out a dagger, you're not going to have the same ability to recognize the danger and will have less time to get away from it. That's basically temptation for me lately. Halfway through day 29, I can (God please help me) overcome this crap.

 

[worth_it]

Day 29

It was a pretty okay day after I had that rough moment earlier in the day. For the rest of the day, I struggled hard with temptation and some guilt. I definitely put those upon myself, but I was able to stay away from any bad stuff so that's great! Fasted until 5pm, prayed a bunch, then hung out with a friend for a few hours. Then came home and hung out with my wife, then went to bed! Something I noticed over the last week and a half was that I have not been getting as good sleep. I went from 8-8.5 hours a night to 7-7.5 hours a night last week because I was very busy, and also didn't want to sleep at times lol. But the last few days have been so much better, and today I feel awesome. I'm on day 30 now, and I'm so proud of myself, grateful to God for bringing me here, and I just feel awesome today! I feel full of energy and motivation and excitement for life! I don't feel super happy, but I feel content which is awesome. Obviously the rest of the day I need to be super aware of when the moment my wife leaves because it's always such a trigger moment.

Something that's bothering me a bit (but not as much as if I was actively PMOing) is that I had a sexual dream with a friend who isn't my wife. It wasn't like graphic or anything like that, it was just like something sexual started to happen in the dream and I woke up. That is the first
non-P sexual dream I have ever had in my life, no joke. I don't know how to react, but honestly I'm sad it was with someone who isn't my wife. It could be good that I dreamt about sex instead of P, but I certainly don't want to dream about a friend that isn't my wife, and that screws with me. I am definitely very attracted to my wife, and don't take dreams like that as if they're some mystical thing that I have to fulfill, but it still doesn't help me mentally. That also reminds me that dreams have been super weird during rebooting. Like really vivid, all over the place and it seems like I'm dreaming most nights and remembering them. Could that be my brain rebooting? It's possible, I feel like I've seen that vivid dreams are a part of the process. Also, I feel like in my old dreams, they'd always be like the same setting and usually the same thing happening. Anyhow, that's my little rant on dreams. Little bit into day 30, we can get through it!

 

[worth_it]

Day 30

Posting this early because I'm going to be busy the rest of the day. Day 30 was a good day! I'd put it at a 7/10 probably if 5 is average. Not an incredible day because I was working most of the day, but very very few temptations today, had just a couple trigger moments that weren't even that strong. Mentally, this was an awesome day to say the least. Considering my last few days (if you're reading this and haven't read the last few days, it was a very rough few days full of big trigger moments, almost acting on temptations, and generally not feeling great) today was a Godsend.

Days like today remind me what I'm after. I felt great levels of motivation and focus today. I felt excited about life, and was unaffected by a pretty screwed up sexual dream that normally would have sent me right back to PMO to "get it out of my system". I had good energy, just did a couple sexual things with my wife and got a pretty healthy erection (probably 70%, my wife was impressed!) and I'm feeling good overall! Obviously there will be rough days in the future, that's the nature of things like this, but I really wanted a day like today, and I got it. Alsoooo, bascially 30 full days without PMO! No peeking, just one time I typed stuff into a search bar and immediately exited! This is the best streak I've ever been on and it's not even close. Brothers and sisters, today was an encouragement. My brain keeps showing me that it's recovering and I'm beyond excited about that. 30 days was definitely my first goal, and I achieved it. Now, it's onto 45 days, then a full calendar month without P (on April 1st), then 60 days and so on! For now, I focus on 15 more days of PMO. Day 45 here I come!

 

[Redalc]

Congrats on day 30! Praise the Lord for his help this far. Keep taking it one day at a time. Read back at what?s gone on and what you?ve been through. Excited for you man!

 

[worth_it]

Well, I just peeked at P. This is a major setback for me. I clicked on a website and saw a few images then immediately turned it off. But I peeked regardless. I'm really disappointed. It was like 30 seconds that I was on a P website and my body was shaking, my hands were super cold, my heart was beating extremely hard. I need to get free from this crap, it will destroy me otherwise. I don't consider this a relapse, but I have no clue how far this set me back and that scares the shit out of me. I just want to have eyes for my wife. I need prayer from those of you who practice faith that I'd continue to be healed powerfully even though I made a huge decision that reinforces the P pathways.

 

[Victor2211]

"Remember my command: "be strong and courageous!", Do not be discouraged, nor be afraid, because I, the Lord your God, will be with you wherever you go!"
(Joshua 1-9)

Everything will be fine, you are doing well, do not be discouraged and do not listen to mistakes.

 

[Redalc]

Praying for you man. Be aware consciously aware that now as a result of that peek you will want so badly to look again. Tell your wife, see if there?s some way you can prevent that happening again. Maybe have her set a lockout code for your device that only she knows the code in order to change stuff. I don?t think it?s a relapse, but I do understand how devastating it can make you feel. Just get back up, determine to avoid it. You can do it. 

 

[worth_it]

Thank you Victor2211 and Redalc for the encouragements and the prayers and the words of wisdom. Your words mean so much to me and I am so blessed to have a couple of guys caring for me like that.

So first off, I did not relapse or do anything related to PMO after I peeked. I felt horrible, and then felt more optimistic and okay, super similar to the way that I feel after PMO. Actually, the whole reaction of my mind and body was very very similar to PMOing in the past. It felt much harder to think. I'm reminded of somebody's post on YBOP about how they had been rebooting for a while then PMO'd and then brain fog and uneasiness immediately started. That is precisely what happened to me. I had a lot of plans with people, playing sports and hanging and talking to friends. The physical aspects of those things weren't hard, but I could not think clearly at all. Coming up with things to say was much harder. I felt so much slower witted and unable to socialize competently. I felt reduced to the old socially awkward unconfident guy I was in the past. While it's okay to have off days socially, I know this was caused by peeking which made me sad. On top of that, for the rest of the day my mind kept flashing back to when I viewed the P webpage. It felt burned into my mind, and ever since then my body has been screaming out for more of it. More webpages, more videos, and eventually PMOing. I'm not doing anything, and I'm going to stay as busy as possible the next few days, because I know I've set myself back and my body has gone from wanting P to expecting it sometime soon. I'm learning a lot about my body and mind through this, so there's that. But man, let my story be evidence of this to anyone who is considering: DO NOT PEEK. That will mess you up, and maybe not as much but certainly will set you back pretty badly. I now have to deal with that reality. I know that God is with me, I know He loves me and will help me through this better than anything else, but I also know God allows me to feel the pain of my actions sometimes, and PMO has been a good example of that.

So to summarize:
Feeling unwell mentally. Not feeling really in a dark place or anything, but just feeling the results of doing something that is horribly unhealthy for my mind.
Can't think as clearly. As expected, but it's much worse than I thought.
I never want to peek again. For some reason I thought it was okay to do for just a few seconds and it feels like a broken bone, just not a fun thing to deal with.
Regardless, it was not a relapse. God only knows what that would have done to my brain to continue looking at the page, watching a video and PMO.
I'm discouraged, but the day is over. Onto the next one. It will be okay.

I have made it 32 days without PMO, and I'm still stoked about that. Let's get back on track.

 

[Redalc]

32 days strong man. 32 days. Praying for you tonight. Keep it up, stay busy and around people, invest in your wife and do something unexpected for her. I?m not married but, perhaps if Everytime you felt an urge if you could direct that energy toward doing something special for your wife, something extra. Then you could change your reward circuit to associate the reward with the feelings you get from blessing your wife? Just a thought. Anyhow. Have a good day!

 

[worth_it]

Thank you Redalc I really appreciate the advice! I will definitely try that, gotta keep rebooting and rewiring! Feeling a heck of a lot better today, thank you so much for your prayers! I'm under no illusion that yesterday was the last time I'll be tempted, but it's very nice to feel good today! Woo!

 

[worth_it]

I'm gonna post some more thoughts on here as I go through my day, honestly just because it's so interesting observing the mental effects of peeking yesterday.

First off, mentally I have very slightly recovered today. I'm doing a bit better in terms of ability to think clearly, and carry conversations.

However, my confidence is at a very low level like it used to be before I began rebooting. I feel extremely socially anxious to do most things involving talking to or being around others, which I hadn't felt in a few weeks. It's like the wires in my brain are frayed and I'm short circuiting when I socialize with others. It really feels like a confirmation of my theory that my years of intense social anxiety and awkwardness were very largely caused by PMO. Also, it sounds weirdly simple, but I don't feel as smart, like I can't reason as well or think through things, and I'd attribute that to the lack of focus and general fog in my brain caused by peeking yesterday. I also feel more insecure about myself. It goes along with the decreased confidence, but I just feel like I can't do most things right and I'm hypersensitive about my failures today and get down on myself very easily. It's super fascinating, and I'm thankful that as one little positive of this huge mistake, I'm able to see what the negative side effects are more clearly.

Lastly, I'm doing okay today! Not great necessarily, as those effects have been bringing me down a bit, but I feel emotionally okay, and not getting down on myself as much as I have in many relapses in the past. I'm trying to stay as busy as possible to stay away from any temptations, and to move on from dwelling on yesterday. I feel pretty positive, and I'm ready to do great on day 33!

 

[worth_it]

Day 34

Well, the last couple days were hard. But I made it to 34 days. Today was actually really awesome, so I should just say day 32 and day 33 were hard. I think I got off super fortunate, because after I peeked a couple days ago, I felt like crap. I felt like there's no way I overcome this since I already made a decision to look up P once. But I prayed and prayed, let the pain and temptations pass, and I made it. Didn't even type anything in on google or anything close to P. I just kinda dealt with the crappy side effects. But today was a wonderful day honestly. It was a sabbath day, which in my house means no computer or phone, and just spend time with God and with my wife. It was awesome. 2 hours into the day, my wife and I were just hanging out, and we spontaneously started making out, and I had a legitimate normal seeming libido for the first time that I can remember since my honeymoon. That's 6 months ago. I was all over my wife, wanting to hold her close to me, and I felt like a man, like my old self. We ended up kissing and stuff for like 30-45 minutes, and I was turned on for probably 25-30 of it and erect the entire time, which is absolutely a huge step forward for me. During none of it was I thinking about P or anything close to it, just how beautiful my wife was and how badly I wanted her. Moments like this continue to push me forward. They also remind me how not worth it peeking was. I take my peeking problem a few days ago as a reminder of how much my sexual preferences got screwed up by my addiction, because I was into some messed up stuff and when I was on that page, I remember thinking "why did I ever like this?" Been learning so much, and I have much more to process through, but for now, I'll just say that I feel great right now. More challenging days will come, but I feel great today and that is awesome. Onto day 35!!!

 

[worth_it]

Also, special shoutout to Redalc, thank you so much for praying for me and encouraging me, I needed that bad because I wasn't sure I'd make it out of those days without PMOing but your words and prayers helped me so much. Much love man, and keep up the fight.

 

[Redalc]

It?s great to hear you had a good day. Praise the Lord. Sunday?s are always good for me. Sounds like it for you too. I?m excited for you and to keep seeing you overcome. It?s encouraging to me. Keep it up! Have a good day tomorrow!

 

[worth_it]

Thank you Redalc!

So I'm gonna journal a little about what I'm learning today. Something I've noticed is that the longer I go without PMOing, the more negative I feel about PMOing in the present, yet the past memories still remain positive. Like I'm realizing more and more how screwed up P is, and how my sexual preferences were most certainly altered into something far from what I actually enjoy and what is healthy, but it doesn't change the fact that I think about the pleasure I got from P and have a hard time viewing that pleasure as bad. It's so weird, like I intellectually know that it was horrible for me and caused me so many issues, and really ruined my brain for a long while, but the emotional/animal side of me doesn't want to admit it was ugly and awful. Honestly, it's a super obvious observation, of course my more primal side is going to think that the thing that was a source of pleasure for 10-11 years is positive and my mind is going to be against it, as it's always really been that way during my addiction. However, it's weird seeing that dissonance growing between my mind and more instinctual side. I would say it's positive, more and more I can objectively see that PMO is bad for me, but I long for the day that I even slightly recover on the instinctual side to see that PMO was unhealthy and negative. Anyhow, those are my thoughts, thanks for reading! A bit into day 35, which marks 5 weeks since last time I PMO'd. Holy cow what a cool thing!

 

[worth_it]

Day 35

Solid day! Work was good, hung out with friends a good amount of the day, browsed YBOP at night. Learning lots about myself. Wondering if my introversion is actually largely caused by my past desire to isolate so I could PMO. I think I'm still more of an introvert than extrovert, but far less than I thought myself to be. Socially, I didn't feel super great today but not bad either. I still think in some ways I'm feeling the effects of peeking a few days ago, but I think I'm recovering well. I feel strong but still feel more likely than before to relapse. Fortunately, life is good and I don't have many reasons to go to a dark place like P. It didn't stop me on Friday, but it's nice to know that quality of life in a good place. Sleeping well, exercising, learning to eat more healthy, getting stuff done, socializing a lot, reading, researching, playing music, doing sexual stuff with my wife all have helped me in this journey. Also on a side note, been around 3 weeks since I O'd last, so this is one of the longest times in my life since starting P that I've abstained from O. So far in marriage, it's usually been once or twice a week that I O, whether it's been PMO or sex. But I'm abstaining from O so that I can recover better, since that seems to be a big aspect of recovery, especially those who have been addicted since their early teens like myself. Tomorrow I fast until dinner, and those days have been either pretty awesome or super challenging and triggering, so praying it's the second one. Onto day 36!