My journey starts now
- Thread starter worth_it
- Start date
worth_it
Active Member
Thank you for the encouragement Do or die! I'm definitely trying to move in that direction, accepting P is completely gone from my life, that relationship has ended. Some days it's really hard to but just gotta keep pushing towards the man I want to become, and that man is not stuck in a PMO addiction.
Day 36
36 days is a lot of days lol. It's well over a month, like I can't remember the last time I PMO'd. I remember when I was really stuck in addiction, I'd always be able to remember the last time I PMO'd based off the simple fact that it was recent. Now it's a distant memory and I'm excited for this whole addiction to be a distant memory. I'm thinking about having a side counter for the last time I looked at a P site, because peeking on Friday definitely set me back (again, not all the way at all, but it sure hasn't helped recovery), and I know I can abstain from typing in any search terms or going onto any P websites. But we shall see. Anyways, day 36 was honestly a pretty awesome day for me. I fasted from last night at dinner till 5pm today and it was hard as it always is, but it was probably the best fast I've had so during Lent. No temptations barely at all today which rocks, zero trigger moments other than some P flashbacks which still happens quite often, but I'm learning to live with it, they're not triggering unless I dwell on them so I just let them pass by. Hung out with a friend after work, had a good time, ate good food for dinner, all in all a good day! I want to keep this up, want to keep moving away from the low moment I had a few days ago, and am excited that I keep making steps in that direction! Day 37 is tomorrow, getting close to day 40 woooooo!
Day 36
36 days is a lot of days lol. It's well over a month, like I can't remember the last time I PMO'd. I remember when I was really stuck in addiction, I'd always be able to remember the last time I PMO'd based off the simple fact that it was recent. Now it's a distant memory and I'm excited for this whole addiction to be a distant memory. I'm thinking about having a side counter for the last time I looked at a P site, because peeking on Friday definitely set me back (again, not all the way at all, but it sure hasn't helped recovery), and I know I can abstain from typing in any search terms or going onto any P websites. But we shall see. Anyways, day 36 was honestly a pretty awesome day for me. I fasted from last night at dinner till 5pm today and it was hard as it always is, but it was probably the best fast I've had so during Lent. No temptations barely at all today which rocks, zero trigger moments other than some P flashbacks which still happens quite often, but I'm learning to live with it, they're not triggering unless I dwell on them so I just let them pass by. Hung out with a friend after work, had a good time, ate good food for dinner, all in all a good day! I want to keep this up, want to keep moving away from the low moment I had a few days ago, and am excited that I keep making steps in that direction! Day 37 is tomorrow, getting close to day 40 woooooo!
worth_it
Active Member
Day 37
Today has been good! Urges were basically not there at all, just one few minute stretch where a pretty neighbor of mine was walking around outside with her dog and I struggled with not checking her out, but these days "checking her out" means so much less staring than it used to, more of really quick glances, and I stopped myself at one point, so even there I feel so much better. Also, I basically had a wet dream, which I'm honestly pretty stoked about. It wasn't sexual or a P dream, it was just some exciting and confusing dream where I was in a rush at an airport haha. When I woke up I was super hard and about to finish but somehow I stopped myself which is really nice because cleaning up is always a bummer, and I would like to never do that next to my wife. But today I felt good again all in all, work flew by which is a first in a while, not even sure why it went so quickly but I just felt good today! I do feel like ever since my peeking incident, my motivation to do uncomfortable things is down, like I need to call back my pastor who wanted to catch up about how I was doing and I hate talking on the phone so I've been putting that off. Stuff like that, I've been struggling with ever since, but still feel like recovery is happening! Life is by no means perfect, marriage is hard as it should be, and friendships are a challenge, work isn't my passion, but feeling good regardless of my circumstances and trying to let my circumstances build my character. That's God's work so I just give that to Him! Anyways, onto day 38!!!
Today has been good! Urges were basically not there at all, just one few minute stretch where a pretty neighbor of mine was walking around outside with her dog and I struggled with not checking her out, but these days "checking her out" means so much less staring than it used to, more of really quick glances, and I stopped myself at one point, so even there I feel so much better. Also, I basically had a wet dream, which I'm honestly pretty stoked about. It wasn't sexual or a P dream, it was just some exciting and confusing dream where I was in a rush at an airport haha. When I woke up I was super hard and about to finish but somehow I stopped myself which is really nice because cleaning up is always a bummer, and I would like to never do that next to my wife. But today I felt good again all in all, work flew by which is a first in a while, not even sure why it went so quickly but I just felt good today! I do feel like ever since my peeking incident, my motivation to do uncomfortable things is down, like I need to call back my pastor who wanted to catch up about how I was doing and I hate talking on the phone so I've been putting that off. Stuff like that, I've been struggling with ever since, but still feel like recovery is happening! Life is by no means perfect, marriage is hard as it should be, and friendships are a challenge, work isn't my passion, but feeling good regardless of my circumstances and trying to let my circumstances build my character. That's God's work so I just give that to Him! Anyways, onto day 38!!!
worth_it
Active Member
Thank you Redalc, it's very much appreciated!
Day 38
Good day again! A bit more temptations today to act on my urges, but I was able to overcome them. I feel like I'm in a more and more healthy place finding things to do instead of dwelling on urges I have, so it's been awesome! Not much to say about today, I haven't had new realizations or anything and I feel like my mental condition remains the same (meaning, some days are rough with temptation, but mostly just keep busy and I'm enjoying life). Just a half shift tomorrow so the temptation is always higher on half shift days, wife might be gone some of the day, as I write this I just realized I have like nothing planned after work so I really need to plan something to stay busy. I should be good but need to stay busy, get out of the house, and watch out for post-work triggers tomorrow. 6 days since I peeked. Onto day 39!!
Day 38
Good day again! A bit more temptations today to act on my urges, but I was able to overcome them. I feel like I'm in a more and more healthy place finding things to do instead of dwelling on urges I have, so it's been awesome! Not much to say about today, I haven't had new realizations or anything and I feel like my mental condition remains the same (meaning, some days are rough with temptation, but mostly just keep busy and I'm enjoying life). Just a half shift tomorrow so the temptation is always higher on half shift days, wife might be gone some of the day, as I write this I just realized I have like nothing planned after work so I really need to plan something to stay busy. I should be good but need to stay busy, get out of the house, and watch out for post-work triggers tomorrow. 6 days since I peeked. Onto day 39!!
Gambitchco
Active Member
Hey man, thanks for sharing. Continue to be an inspiration.
worth_it
Active Member
Mid-day post today because it feels like a good idea. Not super triggered right now, but my wife is gone which always brings up the question of "Should I PMO?" Actually these days, it's more just "should I look at P?" Which is really a nice change, I do think that shows growth that I'm not thinking as much about MOing. However, it's still a very large temptation. Some days it feels like the only reason I keep moving forward is because of the growth I've already experienced and not wanting to throw it away. And while that's a great reason to keep going, it's not something I feel is sustainable. I want to recapture why I started this in the first place. So I've been praying about that, read some prior journal entries (both here on RN and on my own physical journal) to remember the foundation of why I want to be free. I think this will help me stay strong with my purpose for being free sexually, and will ultimately help me to remain in freedom long term.
As cool as it is being at 39 days (which, holy crap so cool!!! but we'll talk about that later when I post for the day) I know I want to keep growing so much more. I want to live in my new free state. I want to become less dependent upon YBOP and RN as time goes by (what I mean is spending less compulsive time on here, being more intentional about what I'm doing when I visit these sites). I may be getting a bit ahead of myself, but I just want to keep moving forward and not get stuck. I've heard about recovery-relapse-recovery cycles and I don't want to get trapped in that myself. At the same time I want to soak in the joy of making it this far and being grateful for such deep growth occurring in basically every area of my life. Anyways those are my thoughts, just some rantings of a guy who wants to keep pushing forward.
As cool as it is being at 39 days (which, holy crap so cool!!! but we'll talk about that later when I post for the day) I know I want to keep growing so much more. I want to live in my new free state. I want to become less dependent upon YBOP and RN as time goes by (what I mean is spending less compulsive time on here, being more intentional about what I'm doing when I visit these sites). I may be getting a bit ahead of myself, but I just want to keep moving forward and not get stuck. I've heard about recovery-relapse-recovery cycles and I don't want to get trapped in that myself. At the same time I want to soak in the joy of making it this far and being grateful for such deep growth occurring in basically every area of my life. Anyways those are my thoughts, just some rantings of a guy who wants to keep pushing forward.
worth_it
Active Member
Day 39
Hard day honestly, like 4 hours where I was struggling with hardcore temptation, wanted really badly to "just look at one website" like I did 7 days back. Didn't go through with it so that's a huge win, later on was able to talk with my wife about feeling tempted and she was super supportive so that helped a lot. Once she got home, things were totally fine so that's good. Also had another really awesome time sexually with her where I felt my sex drive returning. That's now 2 times in a row where I've not only had an erection, but just really wanted to be close and sensual with her which is so encouraging. I want more and more moments like that.
Day 40
Fun and busy day! Barely any temptations because I was so occupied with fun hangouts with friends, and today was our TV day of the week so we watched some TV. That was actually the only time I felt triggered. Some actresses are pretty and TV shows make it hard not to check them out. It made me pretty sad because I just want to be aroused by my wife, but I know it's a process. So I got discouraged, hearing the lie of "I'm never going to be fully satisfied by my wife's body" which is just so awful and wrong but I just needed to get it out there to you guys. I don't actually believe that, but it's a lie that goes around my head and I know it's just another way of trying to pull me back into PMO and that lifestyle which I hate. I know there will be a day when this isn't nearly so hard, but some moments are very hard to overcome. Specifically night time I feel the most discouraged, feeling like I'm never going to be done with this addiction. Another lie, but I just feel like with my dopamine still recovering, I feel sad at night times quite often. And it makes sense that in my sad moments, my body would say "hey remember that thing that made you not feel sad momentarily? We can get that!" I just hate the urges and the withdrawals. I love love love the growth and benefits, but cannot stand the desire for PMO and checking women out. Regardless there's so much to be joyful about, and we are onto day 41!
Hard day honestly, like 4 hours where I was struggling with hardcore temptation, wanted really badly to "just look at one website" like I did 7 days back. Didn't go through with it so that's a huge win, later on was able to talk with my wife about feeling tempted and she was super supportive so that helped a lot. Once she got home, things were totally fine so that's good. Also had another really awesome time sexually with her where I felt my sex drive returning. That's now 2 times in a row where I've not only had an erection, but just really wanted to be close and sensual with her which is so encouraging. I want more and more moments like that.
Day 40
Fun and busy day! Barely any temptations because I was so occupied with fun hangouts with friends, and today was our TV day of the week so we watched some TV. That was actually the only time I felt triggered. Some actresses are pretty and TV shows make it hard not to check them out. It made me pretty sad because I just want to be aroused by my wife, but I know it's a process. So I got discouraged, hearing the lie of "I'm never going to be fully satisfied by my wife's body" which is just so awful and wrong but I just needed to get it out there to you guys. I don't actually believe that, but it's a lie that goes around my head and I know it's just another way of trying to pull me back into PMO and that lifestyle which I hate. I know there will be a day when this isn't nearly so hard, but some moments are very hard to overcome. Specifically night time I feel the most discouraged, feeling like I'm never going to be done with this addiction. Another lie, but I just feel like with my dopamine still recovering, I feel sad at night times quite often. And it makes sense that in my sad moments, my body would say "hey remember that thing that made you not feel sad momentarily? We can get that!" I just hate the urges and the withdrawals. I love love love the growth and benefits, but cannot stand the desire for PMO and checking women out. Regardless there's so much to be joyful about, and we are onto day 41!
worth_it
Active Member
Day 41
Thank you Redalc for the encouragement, every time I see you message I know it's gonna be some awesome words. Thankful for you and your prayers!
41 days rocks! Today was pretty simple, sabbath so just chilling with my wife and God and friends! Barely any temptations, though I'm noticing women more lately so I'm actively fighting that. Barely any flashbacks today which is awesome. But just an hour ago I had an awkward conflict with my wife over a random thing that happened in our past and I'm just deflated and sad. This is another moment I realize that I would usually medicate with some form of P in the past, whether it's just softcore or suggestive images or p-subs. So that's how things are right now. I'm in no danger of relapsing but I'm just bummed, I hate conflict and would like to be happy, but conflict makes me sad and angry. So here we are. But regardless, I'm doing fine with PMO so there's that! Onto day 42, here's to a better end to tomorrow!
Thank you Redalc for the encouragement, every time I see you message I know it's gonna be some awesome words. Thankful for you and your prayers!
41 days rocks! Today was pretty simple, sabbath so just chilling with my wife and God and friends! Barely any temptations, though I'm noticing women more lately so I'm actively fighting that. Barely any flashbacks today which is awesome. But just an hour ago I had an awkward conflict with my wife over a random thing that happened in our past and I'm just deflated and sad. This is another moment I realize that I would usually medicate with some form of P in the past, whether it's just softcore or suggestive images or p-subs. So that's how things are right now. I'm in no danger of relapsing but I'm just bummed, I hate conflict and would like to be happy, but conflict makes me sad and angry. So here we are. But regardless, I'm doing fine with PMO so there's that! Onto day 42, here's to a better end to tomorrow!
worth_it
Active Member
Day 42
Today was not great. I woke up in a weird mood because of the conflict I had with my wife last night. Work was alright, then my friend cancelled plans with me. I was feeling pretty lonely, so far in this reboot I've been able to fill my half days with hangouts with friends, but one friend I hang out with on Mondays is out of town and the other cancelled with me. So that made me feel pretty lonely, and that is a classic trigger of course. I didn't really feel very tempted or anything, but I didn't feel great at all today. I also feel like I might be getting sick, I just felt really foggy today, tired and weak and nauseous at one point. That definitely doesn't help me have a super positive outlook on my days, but the day kept going alright.
Then my wife left for a birthday thing with her friend, and I started searching my computer to see if I had P left on it. Of course I don't since I deleted that stuff long long ago, but my brain was hungry for it. Then I pulled out my phone and unlocked the blocker, typed in a P search term, looked at the link in google and kind of decided whether I was going to peek again. I decided not to, but goodness it was so hard not to. Today has been rough, I've just been feeling off physically and emotionally, and I can guarantee that this would be a time in the past that I PMO'd 10/10 times. So in that regard it's good that I overcame the urge to click on that link, but this probably sets me back a bit again. Not good to dwell on it, but I know that searching up P is the same pathway as viewing P and MOing to it. So I feel shaky and awful for doing it, and I just want to stop walking to the edge. I want to keep walking farther and farther from the edge. My wife is still gone, but she'll be back soon and the moment has passed, I've accepted I made a dumb decision and it's time to move on. 6 weeks free from PMO is great, but I'm disappointed because this is the first time in 10 days that I've done anything close to viewing P. I know it doesn't cause the damage that actually PMOing does, but it's not aiding me in getting better, that's for sure. I have gotten so much stronger but I know my brain will always want P in some capacity, so these moments are crucial to overcome. Next time I'm this triggered, I want to stay away from searching anything up. None of that crap anymore. I want so badly to be free, and I know this can happen, just need to keep pushing. Day 43 is tomorrow, almost 45 days free!
Today was not great. I woke up in a weird mood because of the conflict I had with my wife last night. Work was alright, then my friend cancelled plans with me. I was feeling pretty lonely, so far in this reboot I've been able to fill my half days with hangouts with friends, but one friend I hang out with on Mondays is out of town and the other cancelled with me. So that made me feel pretty lonely, and that is a classic trigger of course. I didn't really feel very tempted or anything, but I didn't feel great at all today. I also feel like I might be getting sick, I just felt really foggy today, tired and weak and nauseous at one point. That definitely doesn't help me have a super positive outlook on my days, but the day kept going alright.
Then my wife left for a birthday thing with her friend, and I started searching my computer to see if I had P left on it. Of course I don't since I deleted that stuff long long ago, but my brain was hungry for it. Then I pulled out my phone and unlocked the blocker, typed in a P search term, looked at the link in google and kind of decided whether I was going to peek again. I decided not to, but goodness it was so hard not to. Today has been rough, I've just been feeling off physically and emotionally, and I can guarantee that this would be a time in the past that I PMO'd 10/10 times. So in that regard it's good that I overcame the urge to click on that link, but this probably sets me back a bit again. Not good to dwell on it, but I know that searching up P is the same pathway as viewing P and MOing to it. So I feel shaky and awful for doing it, and I just want to stop walking to the edge. I want to keep walking farther and farther from the edge. My wife is still gone, but she'll be back soon and the moment has passed, I've accepted I made a dumb decision and it's time to move on. 6 weeks free from PMO is great, but I'm disappointed because this is the first time in 10 days that I've done anything close to viewing P. I know it doesn't cause the damage that actually PMOing does, but it's not aiding me in getting better, that's for sure. I have gotten so much stronger but I know my brain will always want P in some capacity, so these moments are crucial to overcome. Next time I'm this triggered, I want to stay away from searching anything up. None of that crap anymore. I want so badly to be free, and I know this can happen, just need to keep pushing. Day 43 is tomorrow, almost 45 days free!
Hey man. Keep pushing past this. You are building up resistance to it as seen in the day today, yes you struggled, but just anticipate it next time and formulate a response before the actual temptation starts. You can do this, I know your pain, we all do. It?s so frustrating what this has done to us, but keep praying, reaching out to those on here, and your wife and friends. Praying for you. It?s great you are almost to 45 days. That?s an amazing milestone. Keep pushing
worth_it
Active Member
Thank you Redalc, killing it as always with the encouragement and prayer. You give me advice when I don't feel like I have the energy or will power to, so thank you.
Day 43
Today was okay. Morning went well, work went pretty well, went by pretty fast which is nice. Kind of a boring day as I look back on it. Near the end of my shift, I was on slack (it's like a work platform to communicate and message others, super helpful when working from home) and looking at people's profile pics, and I stared at a girls profile pic and definitely checked her out, then looked at her picture again later. It felt like looking up P but I know it's 100x less damaging than the actual thing. Still made me feel pretty bad for doing something like that. I had pretty strong urges to give up and look at stuff today but my wife was home all day so praise God haha.
I just feel pretty down today. I feel off emotionally and physically. Mentally I honestly feel pretty alright, other than temptations I feel pretty sharp, but the emotional and physical sides don't help me do well mentally. I just feel kinda down. I have times like this, where I'll get melancholy. Not sure it's anything like depression since I'm pretty sure I experienced that in high school and it was so much worse. But it still sucks my energy, I don't feel very joyful, and life isn't so exciting. I feel like this is the point in the battle when winners are made, as cheesy as that sounds. I know that I could probably keep doing well with PMO if I was always doing great and super positive and had awesome energy. But being able to go through a time where I'm sad? That's super hard mode, and gonna build character.
43 days in, this is not a new thought, but here's what I think: I think rebooting and rewiring and abstaining are all about building new ways to handle negative feelings. Before this, when I felt stressed, when I felt angry, when I felt lonely or tired or anxious or hurt or melancholy, PMO was the escape. That was my answer to most of my negative feelings. Now, I have to build brand new ways of handling these feelings and it is very hard. Even painful. But slowly, slowly, I'm learning. Journaling, playing music, singing, talking to my wife, praying, worshiping, reading, hanging out with friends, going on walks, listening to music or podcasts, enjoying good food (like a home cooked meal or a quality restaurant), just staring outside and observing trees and birds and nature in general, exercising, going on drives. Mindful activities that help me to take in the moment and just enjoy. I can't wait until I'm at the point where those things really are my body's new way of handling challenges. For now, I keep pushing until that's the case. I have to keep going here, 44 days is tomorrow, then day 45, pretty soon after that it'll be day 60 which will be such a big milestone.
Day 43
Today was okay. Morning went well, work went pretty well, went by pretty fast which is nice. Kind of a boring day as I look back on it. Near the end of my shift, I was on slack (it's like a work platform to communicate and message others, super helpful when working from home) and looking at people's profile pics, and I stared at a girls profile pic and definitely checked her out, then looked at her picture again later. It felt like looking up P but I know it's 100x less damaging than the actual thing. Still made me feel pretty bad for doing something like that. I had pretty strong urges to give up and look at stuff today but my wife was home all day so praise God haha.
I just feel pretty down today. I feel off emotionally and physically. Mentally I honestly feel pretty alright, other than temptations I feel pretty sharp, but the emotional and physical sides don't help me do well mentally. I just feel kinda down. I have times like this, where I'll get melancholy. Not sure it's anything like depression since I'm pretty sure I experienced that in high school and it was so much worse. But it still sucks my energy, I don't feel very joyful, and life isn't so exciting. I feel like this is the point in the battle when winners are made, as cheesy as that sounds. I know that I could probably keep doing well with PMO if I was always doing great and super positive and had awesome energy. But being able to go through a time where I'm sad? That's super hard mode, and gonna build character.
43 days in, this is not a new thought, but here's what I think: I think rebooting and rewiring and abstaining are all about building new ways to handle negative feelings. Before this, when I felt stressed, when I felt angry, when I felt lonely or tired or anxious or hurt or melancholy, PMO was the escape. That was my answer to most of my negative feelings. Now, I have to build brand new ways of handling these feelings and it is very hard. Even painful. But slowly, slowly, I'm learning. Journaling, playing music, singing, talking to my wife, praying, worshiping, reading, hanging out with friends, going on walks, listening to music or podcasts, enjoying good food (like a home cooked meal or a quality restaurant), just staring outside and observing trees and birds and nature in general, exercising, going on drives. Mindful activities that help me to take in the moment and just enjoy. I can't wait until I'm at the point where those things really are my body's new way of handling challenges. For now, I keep pushing until that's the case. I have to keep going here, 44 days is tomorrow, then day 45, pretty soon after that it'll be day 60 which will be such a big milestone.
Hey man, I?m here for you. Glad I can be an encouragement in some way. Though, I feel like I?m struggling a lot of the same ways you are. It goes in waves where sometimes my mind is preoccupied with enough stuff that the lack of motivation and urge to be positive and live and be full of energy comes back, and then could be just a few minutes later it?s back to zero again. Good luck to you on 45 days, and then on to 60 and on and on forever. Keep it up. I?ve been praying for you and myself. Great to hear your thoughts. Always an encouragement to me!
worth_it
Active Member
Well I peeked at P again. This time I started M'ing for a few seconds then stopped, but man I did some damage today. Was about 13 days since the last time I peeked, and it sucks that I made that decision again today. Again, I've stopped before doing some serious harm in O'ing so that's an upside, but boy was I ever close. I started M'ing and felt like I was about to finish immediately so I stopped right away. That makes perfect sense because I haven't exposed myself to P in the last 45 days except for one other time. That was the edge moment, where I really could have just said screw it and finished. The really screwed up thing is, I know I would have binged because it wasn't "enough pleasure" and I would have wanted to get more sadly. I'm really sad I did this, and want to stop doing such dumb crap. I have been seeing so much growth lately, especially with my wife. I've been getting erections more consistently, with zero stimulation, it's so dang cool, and once or twice a week I get random 80-90% erections! I was so excited to share this but now it's in this crap context. However, I will choose to look at it like this: It's just more reason to push past this moment. My body is starting to heal. I can stop this, God will help me. I just need to give it to him and live more aware of my triggers.
It's these moments when I'm bored at work that really kill me. I need to really buckle down and start putting my phone in the other room again, and keeping my computer out of reach. I can't keep playing this game, I said this last time, but it's gonna really mess me up. Since I'm at 45 and 90 is my huge goal, let's go for no peeking over the next 45 days. Peeking does similar damage to PMOing and I want to be free of it, please God just let me be free of this.
P is not in my life anymore. It is not any part of my life. It's in the past, and that's it. An old abusive relationship that I will never return to. I feel guilty, but will pray about that and give this all to God. Need some encouragement fellas, this really sucks.
It's these moments when I'm bored at work that really kill me. I need to really buckle down and start putting my phone in the other room again, and keeping my computer out of reach. I can't keep playing this game, I said this last time, but it's gonna really mess me up. Since I'm at 45 and 90 is my huge goal, let's go for no peeking over the next 45 days. Peeking does similar damage to PMOing and I want to be free of it, please God just let me be free of this.
P is not in my life anymore. It is not any part of my life. It's in the past, and that's it. An old abusive relationship that I will never return to. I feel guilty, but will pray about that and give this all to God. Need some encouragement fellas, this really sucks.
worth_it
Active Member
Well on the bright side I always seem to get some insights when I peek so that's an upside. First off, I wrote the last post like 5 minutes after I peeked. I'm about two hours past it now, and honestly feel pretty good. I definitely still want to PMO but my wife is home and that's not an option so hooray for not having the ability to PMO haha. So when I looked at P and started M'ing I realized I wasn't getting as hard to P right before I stopped, I was at like maybe 50% strength which is honestly super cool because I get more hard around my wife than I did today looking at P. That's such amazing growth and I'm beyond excited that I get to see some growth out of an ugly moment like that. Also just feeling like I'm able to deconstruct the P a lot easier. Because the P I only ever watched was fetish stuff, there's not much that's naturally attractive about it, so being this far in recovery I saw the P and just wasn't that excited by it. I feel like I've entered the point of no return haha, like my options are just commit to a life of PMO again and eventually find myself super aroused by screwed up fetishes again, or keep moving toward the light of a healthy real life sexual relationship with my wife. This is where being married/being in a relationship while rebooting helps. It does give me a lot of respect for those living PMO free while single. Y'all inspire me a lot.
Anyways, to recap:
1. the P I used to use basically since I was 14 (fetish-based) is starting to lose it's attractiveness to me
2. sex with my wife is starting to become more attractive to me than P, stronger erections with her
3. this is the moment where I need to commit to a life of freedom/sexuality only expressed with my wife
Those are all my thoughts, feeling a lot less unconfident and self-conscious which rocks. I will for sure be super tempted tomorrow so I'm gonna stay on super high alert throughout the day. Almost done with 45 days woooo!
Anyways, to recap:
1. the P I used to use basically since I was 14 (fetish-based) is starting to lose it's attractiveness to me
2. sex with my wife is starting to become more attractive to me than P, stronger erections with her
3. this is the moment where I need to commit to a life of freedom/sexuality only expressed with my wife
Those are all my thoughts, feeling a lot less unconfident and self-conscious which rocks. I will for sure be super tempted tomorrow so I'm gonna stay on super high alert throughout the day. Almost done with 45 days woooo!
Hey man. You gotta do it. You?ve got to do whatever it takes. Don?t let yourself quit. Go super hardcore no devices unless emergency or something for the next week. Lock your browser and give your wife the password, put that phone in the other room. Just leave the sounds on and you won?t miss anything important from anyone. You?ve done so amazing, it?s inspiring, at least you are stopping yourself, and dude praise God for the positives you are seeing! Man that?s amazing! And just super great evidence that you are recovering. Kick it out, kick all the opportunities and options for peeking out and go hardmode like you were back on day 1. Rewatch YBOP and RBnation videos, read up and remind yourself what you are fighting for even more so. Find success stories so you know what to look forward too as you overcome these temptations. And Praise the Lord for your wife. Don?t ever let her go, pour all of your energy and downtime into feelings for her, and ideas for how you can show your love. You can do this man.
worth_it
Active Member
Thank you Redalc, your advice is super helpful to me. I agree, it's time to reset my expectations here and go back to the beginning, taking this much more seriously. The lies my brain tells me have been getting to me and putting me in a much more laid back place with temptations and triggers, but not anymore. I'm keeping devices out of the room except for when my wife's home (I have never desired looking at stuff when she's here), reading more info on YBOP and RN, and spending more time with God and it's helping a lot. I'm thinking it'll be another week or so before I'm back to feeling strong again, so I agree that I need to maintain restrictions for the next week and for the foreseeable future. But good news, I was home alone for a few hours today and didn't even touch my phone or anything even though temptations were really strong. I desperately want to maintain this progress and live in freedom. I'm on day 46 which is amazing, not feeling as negative and awkward which is encouraging, and the concept of looking at P is still becoming less attractive. Time to enter back into life of freedom rather than just trying to avoid PMO. Let's do this.