I hope this is the last stage of my battle

stqr73

Member
stqr73 said:
Day 27. Went to college alone , there my brain was quite better , I seemed more logical, even though we didn't have any classes. I saw many of my friends seamlessly enjoying with girls. I was alone . I earlier had argument with majority of my classmates. So I was quite alone. I don't care . I want my life back. No matter how long this healing thing takes.

I felt alone . Guess what I don't care. I want to improve my life. I want to recover 100 % .
Guess what I am noticing considerable changes in only 27 days. Gotta keep fighting.
 

stqr73

Member
stqr73 said:
stqr73 said:
Day 27. Went to college alone , there my brain was quite better , I seemed more logical, even though we didn't have any classes. I saw many of my friends seamlessly enjoying with girls. I was alone . I earlier had argument with majority of my classmates. So I was quite alone. I don't care . I want my life back. No matter how long this healing thing takes.

I felt alone . Guess what I don't care. I want to improve my life. I want to recover 100 % .
Guess what I am noticing considerable changes in only 27 days. Gotta keep fighting.

After coming from college and reaching home , I felt as if I was crazy. Entered bed and tried very hard to sleep but I couldn't .Did cold shower after which I regained sanity and went for evening walk. Drank tea afterwards. Now I have 3 hours left till I sleep , So I will be productive for these 3 hours.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 29 clean. Brain quite better . Memory and logic improved. Social anxiety quite reduced. Shame , guilt quite reduced. Trying to let go of objectification. It takes time to de clutter. Human connection improving. Rewiring myself to nature by walking. One or two days before fasting month, I am writing this.
I noticed slight increase in libido , morning wood , general size of organ overall.
Remember recovery is not completely linear, graph is upwards in the long run but in between it goes cyclically up and down.
Trying for 30 day purification algorithm and career commitment.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 30. Woke up with massive wet dream and had vivid porn dream. In dream I masturbated to a pretty , young , white,  naked girl(probably porn girl). In dream I felt like a complete relapse, then I woke up and came to know it was a dream. I woke up with cum and headache. Not gonna lie I was happy in my dream by fapping and I dreamt of quite other hardcore things as well.
Brain is still craving for the fix , it is trying to convince me via dreams to relapse. It shows how ingrained this shit is inside of me. Gotta kick this M*** out of my life to be truly free. I want to get rid of all porn dreams permanently. It will take time and I am ready to fight for my freedom.

This is second wet dream . First was on Day 26.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 34 clean. Fasting day 4. My cousin narrated me his addiction story the previous night which got me triggered but I controlled myself. Was depressed and had headache , went to ybop , read some long reboot stories , got hard and some fluid escaped. I didn't touch myself but fluid came out on its own. I will make up for today's day some time later.
 

stqr73

Member
stqr73 said:
Day 34 clean. Fasting day 4. My cousin narrated me his addiction story the previous night which got me triggered but I controlled myself. Was depressed and had headache , went to ybop , read some long reboot stories , got hard and some fluid escaped. I didn't touch myself but fluid came out on its own. I will make up for today's day some time later.

Other than that my social anxiety reduced quite a lot. Reboot works. Even though recovery is not linear.

Today's case was nothing but that I read reboot accounts and automatically fantasized the scenes which made the fluid come out. Better be cautious next time while reading reboot accounts. I read account of a guy who married the love of his life , his bride, but his organ didn't work. Eventually by battling severe PAWS he got rid of PIED after 1 year. I don't want that embarrassment to happen with me. I will stay clean for atleast 3 to 5 years hardmode . As for rewiring that wll happen during these years on its own , if not then I will rewire to my partner by having stayed clean for quite a long time.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 38. Day 8 of Fasting. In flatline, PAWS hitting me hard. PAWS making me crazy. The information I know by heart and have read and memorized many times doesn't even register in the brain. Crazy stuff. Day before yesterday I had great brain clarity. Whatever I studied online went directly into my head. Yesterday was worse and today is worst in terms of cognitive function. I am teaching my bro whatever I have studied till now. Hope It helps me regain some sense of purpose and reactivates my brain cells till I recover. PAWS symptoms wax and wane even between different hours of the same day!

Evening update. Just worried as to when will dick work?
 

stqr73

Member
Day 42. Fast Day 12. Good improvement in general symptoms , but after peeing(especially after bowel ) If I bend then leakage occurs. It's bothering me a lot. Hope it goes away soon.
 
Hey man, I haven't read your entire journal, but I've read some of it, great job! You have a noble thing going on with regards to your motivation to quit. One thing I did see a couple times in your journal is related to what you term "leakage". I just wanted to chime in and let you know this is most likely due to a weakened pelvic floor muscles, which is a common thing after years spent in addiction like us. You can actually alleviate this symptom and get rid of it by doing kegel exercises to strengthen these muscles. This will prevent any leakage of any kind, you will have completely control over these muscles. As an added benefit it can also increase how long you last in bed when you finally do have a wife, and makes sure you don't have premature ejaculation which is another common problem among people with our addiction for exactly the same reason: weak pelvic floor muscles and lack of control. These exercises are super easy to do and can do them at anytime in the day no matter where you are, no one can notice it. Just google kegel exercises for men or something there's lots of guides out there. Takes about 10 minutes a day and you can see if that helps! Good luck man and keep going!
 

stqr73

Member
TheLionWhoAteTheSun said:
Hey man, I haven't read your entire journal, but I've read some of it, great job! You have a noble thing going on with regards to your motivation to quit. One thing I did see a couple times in your journal is related to what you term "leakage". I just wanted to chime in and let you know this is most likely due to a weakened pelvic floor muscles, which is a common thing after years spent in addiction like us. You can actually alleviate this symptom and get rid of it by doing kegel exercises to strengthen these muscles. This will prevent any leakage of any kind, you will have completely control over these muscles. As an added benefit it can also increase how long you last in bed when you finally do have a wife, and makes sure you don't have premature ejaculation which is another common problem among people with our addiction for exactly the same reason: weak pelvic floor muscles and lack of control. These exercises are super easy to do and can do them at anytime in the day no matter where you are, no one can notice it. Just google kegel exercises for men or something there's lots of guides out there. Takes about 10 minutes a day and you can see if that helps! Good luck man and keep going!

Thanks a lot man. Sure I will check it out
 

stqr73

Member
Didn't sleep for 4 hour night. Watched two tv shows on youtube,pre..mains and cubicle in four hours from 11 to 3 am. They weren't triggering but I learnt a lesson not to watch anything during night time. And nothing unnecessary is to be watched like I did today. Lesson for future.
 

stqr73

Member
Slept again at 4 : 30 am till 1 : 00 pm. During sleep had porn dreams, guess what it's still in the system but in reduced form as compared to earlier. Seems women in the brain are tied to porn.
Lesson for future : Not to watch anything other than academic related stuff either during day or during night. And to be extra careful of youtube. Use mobile only when completely necessary ( i.e classes) and laptop when necessary ( for studies). No need to surf mindlessly and watch shows which won't add anything to your life. Wanna learn something , go read an article or two or research it rather than watching shows/movies. These shows show you a face of reality which does not exist and then you start the comparison with yourself , then you feel miserable about yourself and life in general , which may end in relapse. So better be careful with this stuff. This stuff is subtler for me. I think on deep philosophical layer rather than superficial.
Stick to mobile and laptop away from yourself before sleeping. Sleep and wake up at same time. Plan in advance the day.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 45 clean. Day 15 fast. Since morning my brain is trying to convince me that I relapsed even though I didn't. I just watched two non triggering shows . I cold showered also. Old scenes popping in my head , reboot feels like breakupx1000. PAWS hitting me again today. Low energy , low in enthusiasm , depressed , brain fog, no motivation to do nothing.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 46. Social anxiety quite high still. I literally changed my route while going for a walk just to avoid meeting with the people I know , the far neighbours . Gotta keep fighting. Paws hitting again , making me fearful. I just told my brain that even if my only achievement in life is to get free and clean , I consider it my lifetime achievement. No need to stress on every other thing . While fighting this addiction whatever best I can do in other areas , I certainly will , but no need to overtax yourself with everything , as if getting outta this thing is something trivial!
 

stqr73

Member
Day 47. Crazy withdrawals back making me frustrated. Shows the extent to which brain is conditioned by this shit. Stay strong !
 

stqr73

Member
Day 49.Genuinely feeling good. Social anxiety quite reduced. Slept well and enough. Did cold showers(morning), took 20 min nap before 4:10 pm, went for 25 min evening walk. Taught bro for 3.5 hours . Studied for 45 min also in morning after shower. Grateful!
 

Dantes

Member
Looks like your currently bouncing back from harder times, and managed to overcome some pretty difficult urges. Keep going, keep doing things for yourself to gain some self-love and self-confidence during the process. I wish you all the best!
 

stqr73

Member
Looks like your currently bouncing back from harder times, and managed to overcome some pretty difficult urges. Keep going, keep doing things for yourself to gain some self-love and self-confidence during the process. I wish you all the best!
Thanks man .
 

stqr73

Member
I was getting frustrated , so decided to journal out here. Hardmode clean Day 53. Fast day 23.Writing this at night time. Actually I have a 10 night routine and I sleep in morning for my usual 8 hours or when I wake up naturally . Today is 3rd night out of the 10 nights. 1st night was awesome , 2nd was lower than 1st but man today's 3rd night freaked me out. My brain was lost. Haven't felt like this earlier. Even during the day I couldn't understand why I lacked energy and motivation. Even thought of quitting teaching my bro( I wont quit it!) and decided to focus on my own career. I do have to study for myself quite a bit and people going ahead of me in career I don't care about them. I compare myself to myself only. I have past experience of neglecting my recovery and jumping right into next level career goals, which led me even deeper in the rut because I coped my inadequacy / lag by PMO. Need to go easy on myself initially and I do have a good amount of brain pathways for studies because in past I have tried very hard to study even though I couldn't understand much but I do have the pathways . So I need not worry about loss of pathways in my brain for studies. Do whatever best you can currently and move on with the day. Recovery will pay off eventually, have hope!
 

stqr73

Member
I was getting frustrated , so decided to journal out here. Hardmode clean Day 53. Fast day 23.Writing this at night time. Actually I have a 10 night routine and I sleep in morning for my usual 8 hours or when I wake up naturally . Today is 3rd night out of the 10 nights. 1st night was awesome , 2nd was lower than 1st but man today's 3rd night freaked me out. My brain was lost. Haven't felt like this earlier. Even during the day I couldn't understand why I lacked energy and motivation. Even thought of quitting teaching my bro( I wont quit it!) and decided to focus on my own career. I do have to study for myself quite a bit and people going ahead of me in career I don't care about them. I compare myself to myself only. I have past experience of neglecting my recovery and jumping right into next level career goals, which led me even deeper in the rut because I coped my inadequacy / lag by PMO. Need to go easy on myself initially and I do have a good amount of brain pathways for studies because in past I have tried very hard to study even though I couldn't understand much but I do have the pathways . So I need not worry about loss of pathways in my brain for studies. Do whatever best you can currently and move on with the day. Recovery will pay off eventually, have hope!
Just to mention , yesterday night while going on with the routine I was depressed as crazy about flatline . Suddenly I got hard without any fantasy or anything and I stayed hard for quite sometime. Decided to pee , I was still hard . I haven't seen myself that hard ever since I think 6th or 7th grade. That boosted my morale and made me convince that recovery is possible for me that too full recovery. Just gotta be patient. It was a very hopeful event for me!
 
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