Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

First I would like to apologize for the length and any rambling in here. This is the first time I am really admitting it and telling my story. Now that is out of the way.

Unfortunately/fortunately, due to a family tragedy a while back, I found myself in therapy dealing with anxiety (various forms) and depression. Skipped ahead a few years and after one/one therapy and couples therapy (married with 2 kids both girls), I really started to feel the best I have felt in years. I am still dealing with anxiety and depression but, I felt more like myself. Now like everything else in my life, when something good happens something of equal or greater bad happens. Hence this post on this form.

I have been looking at porn since, the 5th grade (this is absolutely true). I would steal my dad's Playboy and Penthouse's and I used them myself and I would take them into school and sell them for $5. I eventually moved on to his video collection. I would pick the look to his filing cabinet to get to them. My porn use continued from there. A bunch of us on a ship (Navy ship) got caught send porn, to each other, over emails while, out to see.

After our second child, with wife's desire to have sex took a nosedive. It was up to me to initiate every intimate encounter. Unfortunately for me, it was no more often than yes. I gave up trying and dived deeper into porn. I would say I was in my mid 30's (as of this post, I am 42) when this took place. I started jerking it once a day, at a minimum. Some days I could go 2 or 3 times in a day. It seemed the older I got the more I did it. That is until recently, a couple of months back, I started noticing it would take me longer and longer to orgasm. When I had sex with my wife, I could orgasm at all. I could get rock hard but, there would be no feeling. The times I could feel something, it was hard to stay hard.

This is all taking place before my self-realization. I talked to my PCP, my therapist, and psychologist, in the end, they did bloodwork and adjusted my medications. Now comes the self-realization. One morning I decided to check my porn sites, to see if anything new was up and I would open them on a new screen so, I can go back to them later. I mean, I am clearly not going to do it while my kids are home because that would be wrong.

I figure anyone reading this would know what really happened and usually, I would leave it at the but, that does not help the recovery process. So, on that note, I ended up jerking and orgasming while they were in their rooms. It was the quickest I have ever cummed and I felt like the worst human being in the world. Since then, I can jerk till the cows come home but, nothing happens but, let there be a chance I can get caught, by ANYONE, I can cum like a champ.

I understand, that my message may come off as jovial but, that is because it is one of my coping mechanisms. This is a fresh wound and I am not entirely know how to process all of these emotions.

So, if you made it this far, I thank you for taking the time to read my story.

 

guitar1968

Active Member
I read your story and totally relate. I've been in very similar circumstances. I'm 53 and at this point it is very hard to orgasm unless I find one strange and usually really out there porn thing to focus on. I used to be able to orgasm just from looking at pictures of nude women and now it may take an hour, if I can at all, and that requires some bizarre porn that really makes me feel ashamed. My wife and I don't have sex and I've used that as an excuse. Well, masturbating once and while is normal, jerking off several times a day and checking porn sites every time I have a moment, is definitely not normal.

Good luck with your journey. I've quit before once for about 6 months. I thought I could just come back in and jerk maybe once a week. Sure enough, I was back to the exact same habits in a week or so.

Time to break the cycle!
 
This weekend taught me I need more accountability to keep myself in check. I kept having this internal fight. One minute I know and understood that I have an issue but, there were moments where my brain tried to tell me there was no issue. The confusion makes it harder to fight the urges to look at porn. It is also harder when I am in the house by myself.



Did I use porn today? Sporadic through the weekend. Sometimes I would just scan what is new on video sites and Reddit.

What were my triggers? Not sure at this time. I just get the urge to look at it like I am looking at a news feed.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I am in therapy (not for the porn addiction), I take meds, use MMJ, and play PS4

What am I grateful for today? I am grateful for an understanding wife.

Day counter! 0 but today is a new day and I just started this journey.
 
I officially made it 1 day No PMO. It was worse than expected. I had the shakes (from time to time) and I was jonesing for it all day. I was able to occupy my time so, I was able to hold strong. Today is the start of day 2 and I am not sure how it is going to go but, I will take it one step at a time.

 

J01

Active Member
Best wishes forward-it is one step and one day at a time for all of us.  Random net usage is dangerous for me as well; it is always just one click away from the bad stuff.  I have made a commitment to limit it and that has helped.  Keep going and stay in touch!
 
Wretched mind.... very similar experiences here. You?re not alone. Jerkin off numerous times a day was the norm for me as well. I?d have 3 or 4 tabs open on my phone for any break in the day I could get... or chatting with others for the same affect. Flatlining sucks and is a morale killer, but it gets better. And it is well worth it. I?m not sure of your end goals for your reboot, whether it?s repairing issues at home, better sex with your wife, more focus and concentration or all of the above. I can tell you, in the 60 days I?ve been on my journey, I?ve seen vast improvement in all of the mentioned motivators. It?s not easy... there will be temptation and even some setbacks, but it?s well worth it. Some things that may help... exercise, meditation, journaling, breathing techniques (will help with your anxiety also... sever anxiety and PTSD here), even cold showers every morning. You?re retraining your brain and it takes time. Reconnect with your wife (dates, cuddling, concentrating on her pleasure) can all assist your reboot. Remember, brother.... there?s a light at the end of the tunnel. You may not see it now, especially during the very shitty first week or two, but it is there! Best of luck and don?t get discouraged!
 
I reached my first minor goal of making it a week without PMOing. I do feel a little more awake and clear-headed. I know I have miles and miles to go but, up till now, I couldn't make it past 2 days.

I am still experiencing P-ED. I know its an issue but, I am going to focus on recovery and hopefully that will fix its self.


Did I use porn today? No

What were my triggers? Anxiety, boredom, and stress

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Playing PS4

What am I grateful for today? I am grateful for how I feel today. I have a long way to get back to anything that resembles the old me.

Day counter! 7
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
I read your story, wretched- and am interested to follow your victories and successes.

You will heal, you will turn this around, you will be that man you've always wanted to be.

Standing with you in the process!
 
I just read your story and I can see a lot of the things I am experiencing are your struggles as well. Stay strong brother you can do this and beat this monster. I to suffer from being unable to cum with normal intercourse with my girlfriend but as time goes on and my brain fixes itself I am hopeful that will change as well. I am on day 3 and feeling strong despite the urges to go back to my face of ways. I wish you success and thanks for sharing your story it helps to know I am not alone.
 
Top