Hello. So where to begin. Currently in my mid 30s and I started using P when I was around 13/14; started with dial up, magazines, before broadband came along then streaming sites, cam sites, etc. I would say that it has been a nearly constantly disabling or diminishing force in so many ways. I have had numerous relationships over the years but compulsive P viewing has often interfered with my ability to make love and to connect, due to the desensitization and shame. I spent 6 months living in Spain with some other exchange students and whenever they went out to the bars I mostly stayed in, doing the usual. Social anxiety has been both a cause and a symptom of P use. Thinking about it, anxiety (mostly anticipatory) has been a major issue my whole life. I often imagine things will be so much worse than they actually turn out to be.
So I have known P has been a problem for many years. I have made many attempts to quit and have gone for around 2 months before without using it. I have witnessed or felt on these occasions an amazing surge in my personality. My shyness, cynicism, fear seem to evaporate. I am naturally quite an exuberant person. In fact, one of my issues seems to have been falling in love too easily, never considering whether the relationship is really something I want. Acting, I suppose, out of desperation. Having said that, I am fortunate to have had some great relationships over the years so am not in the position of being a virgin, far from it. I have a daughter to one of my exes which is not the easiest situation to navigate emotionally but it's mostly a blessing. But every time I use P, my exuberance, my passion for life, is drained away.
One thing I have never done is posted in a forum like this. I need accountability. I need to remain conscious, to stick at this, to record my journey and hopefully benefit from the encouragement and experience of others. I last used last night and so today in my head it is pure anhedonia, lack of interest, creeping self loathing, social anxiety.
Today is day 1 then. What shall be my aims? No P, very limited M, once a week max. I have blocked adult content on my broadband and mobile and do not have the passwords to change either of these. There are other ways I can access, of course there always are, but at least it is not available in normal conditions. Mindfulness, self knowledge, compassion, being sociable, reading, spending time outdoors. These are essential.
So I have known P has been a problem for many years. I have made many attempts to quit and have gone for around 2 months before without using it. I have witnessed or felt on these occasions an amazing surge in my personality. My shyness, cynicism, fear seem to evaporate. I am naturally quite an exuberant person. In fact, one of my issues seems to have been falling in love too easily, never considering whether the relationship is really something I want. Acting, I suppose, out of desperation. Having said that, I am fortunate to have had some great relationships over the years so am not in the position of being a virgin, far from it. I have a daughter to one of my exes which is not the easiest situation to navigate emotionally but it's mostly a blessing. But every time I use P, my exuberance, my passion for life, is drained away.
One thing I have never done is posted in a forum like this. I need accountability. I need to remain conscious, to stick at this, to record my journey and hopefully benefit from the encouragement and experience of others. I last used last night and so today in my head it is pure anhedonia, lack of interest, creeping self loathing, social anxiety.
Today is day 1 then. What shall be my aims? No P, very limited M, once a week max. I have blocked adult content on my broadband and mobile and do not have the passwords to change either of these. There are other ways I can access, of course there always are, but at least it is not available in normal conditions. Mindfulness, self knowledge, compassion, being sociable, reading, spending time outdoors. These are essential.