Lifetime Veil

The worst part about all of it is that it did not feel wrong while happening but of course immediately after i felt shame and disgust.
I know how this goes. It used to happen to me too. It's like while doing it I had this feeling like "I can handle it, man, this time I will handle the aftermath" and, of course, when the high is over, the misery takes over and I felt defeated and I realized right away that I could not handle it. When the dopamine gets wild, it has this ability to make us feel in the skies. But when we fall from the skies, it's painful, man.
 
I find it fascinating how porn affects people so differently. My bro found a porn mag on his paper route in an alley in the snow when he was about 11 I was about 14. He showed it to me and instantly I was hooked and still am. Though it seems to have the power to nearly destroy me I don't think he ever really struggled with it.
I have a more or less similar situation. I saw a scene in a movie when I was 7 and I was instantly hooked. I don't know, something happened in my brain and I was not supposed to be interested in sex and stuff like that yet. I started masturbating at 7 replaying that scene in my head. Some years later, my cousin discovered softcore porn movies after midnight and then a hardcore porn channel after midnight and we used to masturbate, watch and do the same things porn related until he stopped and I'm here. I don't know, I have this feeling that some people have "the brain" for porn addiction, I don't know exactly how it works. But I guess that people with large ability and preference for fantasizing are more at risk because this describes me. It wasn't long until porn started to get my fantasies going, fantasies that still push me hard towards a relapse even to this day.
 

ulaire14

Member
Good to know you are on day 13 ulaire!
Maybe travelling is the thing that connects with your soul. It might help you break your addiction.
Day 19 and I think you are right. I feel so rested and at peace when travelling. I had a really good vacation and had moments where I felt like a better version of myself. My wife even made a comment that it seemed like I was back. It may be helping that I am resisting the urges even though I have relapsed. The more I resist the more confident I am feeling. I cannot wait to get to the point where I can resist and avoid all the triggers.
 

ulaire14

Member
I know how this goes. It used to happen to me too. It's like while doing it I had this feeling like "I can handle it, man, this time I will handle the aftermath" and, of course, when the high is over, the misery takes over and I felt defeated and I realized right away that I could not handle it. When the dopamine gets wild, it has this ability to make us feel in the skies. But when we fall from the skies, it's painful, man.
Yes, the dopamine rush takes over so easily. It feels really good to hear from other people and know just how not alone we all are in this struggle.
 

yogi

Active Member
I know how this goes. It used to happen to me too. It's like while doing it I had this feeling like "I can handle it, man, this time I will handle the aftermath" and, of course, when the high is over, the misery takes over and I felt defeated and I realized right away that I could not handle it. When the dopamine gets wild, it has this ability to make us feel in the skies. But when we fall from the skies, it's painful, man.
Indeed that's true.
The dopamine rush at that moment blocks out all thoughts of what is going to happen next. Then after the O, as dopamine levels fall, the self-pity starts taking over. Its like climbing to top of the roller coaster and then vroom you are on your way down.

Now on abstaining, my mental state is easily controllable, more like a car journey on the highway.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 0,

Well I am starting over. I am not sure what the trigger was this last night other than I was not feeling very good? It seems like as soon as I start to feel I am out of the grasp it finds a way to catch me. The only thing I did notice is that it did not escalate to videos. Maybe I am slowly breaking down the hold on me even though I have relapsed a couple times. It definately feels harder not to look at P now that I have tried to stop MO. I will get this behind me and continue my reboot.
 

yogi

Active Member
Ulaire reset and restart and don't give up. Thats how all of us have struggled (and in many cases, still struggling).

Cheer up! Every day is a fresh start.
 

ulaire14

Member
Hello,
Things are going ok. I have been sick for a few days and have had a tough time sleeping. Been taking some meds to try and help. I have had some urges in this time and do not know if I messed up once or if I had a bad dream as the meds are quite strong. Either way I am still moving forward. I will have some more time off coming up and will be away for about a week. These days away always help. I have noticed that alcohol and some of the meds I have around make me get urges much more easily.
Something I have not mentioned is I have gotten off most meds I had taken for anxiety/adhd and the like since I significantly reduced the amount of P I have watched over the last year. I am going to get rid of any old meds that I do not need. Seems to always be another trigger. I am also going to avoid alcohol for a month and see how that works.
I am excited to think that I may have isolated the last of my triggers such as the meds for my adhd and alcohol. This process is definately trial and error. I will update before my vacation and after.
 
Hello,
Things are going ok. I have been sick for a few days and have had a tough time sleeping. Been taking some meds to try and help. I have had some urges in this time and do not know if I messed up once or if I had a bad dream as the meds are quite strong. Either way I am still moving forward. I will have some more time off coming up and will be away for about a week. These days away always help. I have noticed that alcohol and some of the meds I have around make me get urges much more easily.
Something I have not mentioned is I have gotten off most meds I had taken for anxiety/adhd and the like since I significantly reduced the amount of P I have watched over the last year. I am going to get rid of any old meds that I do not need. Seems to always be another trigger. I am also going to avoid alcohol for a month and see how that works.
I am excited to think that I may have isolated the last of my triggers such as the meds for my adhd and alcohol. This process is definately trial and error. I will update before my vacation and after.
Hey man. I have been at home alone recovering from surgery for a week and still 2 weeks to go. I am usually a regular drinker however since I have been stuck at home I haven't had any booze. I think if I were drinking I would have no hope kicking P. It really is a big boost on your journey to be PMO free. If I feel any urge to consume P I take myself outside and sit on the street. Can't satisfy urges there...
Good to see you getting back in the saddle. You got this. Best of luck.
 

ulaire14

Member
Hello,

It has been a little while since I last wrote. Things have been going well since i went on vacation and have been spending alot of time with my wife. I have noy had much time to be tempted or have stray thoughts. I will start writing more now that I may be less busy the next couple weeks. I think if I can find ways to be some what busy I will be fine. My relationships in life have really been benefitting lately since this journey of no PMO began. I realized I am feeling a little more free. I will update again soon.
 

ulaire14

Member
Hello,

My wife was gone this weekend and I was real concerned. This is one of the toughtest times for me when my wife is gone. I did get a terrible urge tonight but called my wife to see how she was doing. This greatly helped. She will be home in about an hour and I will have made it three days without her here and not having a relapse. I feel this is a huge step and the easiest time I have had with her gone. Things seem to be getting easier again but this makes me feel on guard because of how easy it felt the time I made it 32 days and slipped up before I could even think about it. That is all for now. I am planning on being more consistent with my journaling.
 
Top