Cold Turkey

[Hooked50s]

I'll be turning 52 this month. I've been watching porn since I was about 13. It began with magazines, moving on to internet (static) porn in the 90s and high-speed internet (video) porn for the last decade or so.
I married in 1996 and the marriage lasted a few years until we divorced in 2000 for reasons directly attributable to my porn habit. We had no kids (thank God!). I remarried in 2003 and have two lovely kids - a son aged 17 and a daughter aged 13. This marriage too is on the rocks, again for reasons directly attributable to my porn habit, and I currently live separate from my family.
Living alone, I watch porn and masturbate multiple times almost every day, and binge (about 3-5 hours non-stop) probably thrice a week on average.
Aside from this, I'm socially well-adjusted, I've a stable job, I'm a keen musician, and I have a host of hobbies and talents that I have mostly no time left for after porn, and so have allowed to waste away. Only my music really remains.
I have tried multiple times (I've lost count) to quit and failed every time. The longest I've been continuously clean for is about 45 days, and I've found that the longer the abstinence, the worse the relapse.
I suffer from lack of sleep (due to staying up late for porn), poor concentration, inexplicable memory lapses, 'switching off' occasionally in social gatherings, and frequent bouts of low self-esteem.
I've carried a huge burden of guilt and shame due to my habit, and fear that I'm a bad husband, bad father, and a shitty example for anyone.
I desperately want to be free of this burden, and my guilt over the pain that I'm causing to my loved ones.

 

[Hooked50s]

My specific goals are:-
- To never feel the urge to watch porn, ever again;
- To be able to successfully resist and overcome any triggers that I may come across in daily life;
- To be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I am in control, and that I am the man I wish to be;
- To be able to achieve orgasm during regular sex without having to visualise porn in my head;
- To hopefully be able to inspire and guide others who are suffering as I am now.

I am seeking advice, inspiration, hope and validation of my efforts from anyone who's willing to help.

 

[jjacks]

Welcome to this site, hooked. Your goals statements contain a lot of the answer. "Overcome triggers" - remove them from your life. Delete every account related to porn activities. If you work from home alone, move your office to a public-facing window or porch. put your phone down and turn off your computer when not needed. Feeling lonely, call a friend. It's hard during a pandemic, but not impossible. "Look at myself in the mirror" - do it often, and remind yourself every time that you are not porn addict any longer. "Inspire and guide" - keep posting, every day if you want, even if there is not a lot of change - write down your thoughts and feelings. It helps to face this monster in black and white, and your journal will inspire others.
-jj

 

[guitar1968]

I'll be turning 52 this month. I've been watching porn since I was about 13. It began with magazines, moving on to internet (static) porn in the 90s and high-speed internet (video) porn for the last decade or so.
I married in 1996 and the marriage lasted a few years until we divorced in 2000 for reasons directly attributable to my porn habit. We had no kids (thank God!). I remarried in 2003 and have two lovely kids - a son aged 17 and a daughter aged 13. This marriage too is on the rocks, again for reasons directly attributable to my porn habit, and I currently live separate from my family.
Living alone, I watch porn and masturbate multiple times almost every day, and binge (about 3-5 hours non-stop) probably thrice a week on average.
Aside from this, I'm socially well-adjusted, I've a stable job, I'm a keen musician, and I have a host of hobbies and talents that I have mostly no time left for after porn, and so have allowed to waste away. Only my music really remains.
I have tried multiple times (I've lost count) to quit and failed every time. The longest I've been continuously clean for is about 45 days, and I've found that the longer the abstinence, the worse the relapse.
I suffer from lack of sleep (due to staying up late for porn), poor concentration, inexplicable memory lapses, 'switching off' occasionally in social gatherings, and frequent bouts of low self-esteem.
I've carried a huge burden of guilt and shame due to my habit, and fear that I'm a bad husband, bad father, and a shitty example for anyone.
I desperately want to be free of this burden, and my guilt over the pain that I'm causing to my loved ones.

This sounds like you were writing my life story. I'm 53, addicted my whole life from the first Playboy to the Internet. I'm also a musician and playing music is a big help. I'm still married, but we don't have sex and that is all attributed to my porn addiction, my PIED, my warped mind thinking my wife should act more like a porn star than a normal, beautiful woman. I have all the other issues you listed as well. I'm 40+ days into my recovery and hope that this is finally the one that gets me over the hump.

Sending you good vibes! I don't know what kind of music you make, but I keep my guitar right next to my desk. Always feels better to pick that up for a break in the day than turning to my porn and chat sites.

Love your goals. Keep looking at them and they will help you get there! Stay strong.

 

[JerryTX]

Welcome and as you will see from these amazing journals your not alone in this journey! Wish you continued success and I find reviewing this site and journaling gives me hope and strength! Keep it up!

 

[Hooked50s]

This sounds like you were writing my life story. I'm 53, addicted my whole life from the first Playboy to the Internet. I'm also a musician and playing music is a big help. I'm still married, but we don't have sex and that is all attributed to my porn addiction, my PIED, my warped mind thinking my wife should act more like a porn star than a normal, beautiful woman. I have all the other issues you listed as well. I'm 40+ days into my recovery and hope that this is finally the one that gets me over the hump.

Sending you good vibes! I don't know what kind of music you make, but I keep my guitar right next to my desk. Always feels better to pick that up for a break in the day than turning to my porn and chat sites.

Love your goals. Keep looking at them and they will help you get there! Stay strong.

Thanks for the good vibes... hearing from all of you really means a lot to me!

 

[Hooked50s]

Welcome to this site, hooked. Your goals statements contain a lot of the answer. "Overcome triggers" - remove them from your life. Delete every account related to porn activities. If you work from home alone, move your office to a public-facing window or porch. put your phone down and turn off your computer when not needed. Feeling lonely, call a friend. It's hard during a pandemic, but not impossible. "Look at myself in the mirror" - do it often, and remind yourself every time that you are not porn addict any longer. "Inspire and guide" - keep posting, every day if you want, even if there is not a lot of change - write down your thoughts and feelings. It helps to face this monster in black and white, and your journal will inspire others.
-jj

Thanks, jjacks... didn't realise my goals had so many answers within them... So far I'd been groping in the dark outside to find a way to realise them.
Communicating with people who are in a similar state as I am, and who don't judge me, makes a huge difference.

4 days into being completely off porn, I viewed a bit and shut it off before I could do anything more. But today, 2 days later, I slipped completely and spent a few hours watching and masturbating.
Somehow every time I end up rationalising a whole lot of crap - that seeing pics & not videos of just topless or even clothed women can 'wean me off' the hard-core stuff, even though I KNOW that it just won't. I wonder which part of me still wants to hang on to this toxic habit that sucks up my time, and leaves me feeling hollow after.
Today I wiped all 'trigger' stuff off my computer, including subscriptions to YouTube channels that contain potential triggers.
Today is also the first time I logged into Reboot Nation after I posted my first journal entry. I feel hugely encouraged by all the responses I've read... I know they'll make it easier to maintain my resolve and stay off porn for longer and longer periods.

 

[Hooked50s]

I have a general question: While I would best like to be completely off PMO, will occasional M (or MO) without any visual stimulus (P) hamper my efforts, or is it okay? I somehow feel that after masturbating a couple of times I start wanting more and that leads me to seek some visual stimulus - thence back into porn.
... ...
Damn, I seem to already have the answers to my questions - I'm just not listening to them.

 

[Timetoheal2396]

I have a general question: While I would best like to be completely off PMO, will occasional M (or MO) without any visual stimulus (P) hamper my efforts, or is it okay? I somehow feel that after masturbating a couple of times I start wanting more and that leads me to seek some visual stimulus - thence back into porn.
... ...
Damn, I seem to already have the answers to my questions - I'm just not listening to them.

Hey hooked. For me I find that obstaining from M and O helps me keep in track I know even without the P it will lead me back to my old ways. It’s a difficult journey I a began my journey 5 weeks again I went 3 weeks without any P or M but like you I thought I could M without the P to take the edge off so to speak but boy was I wrong. It lead me to we week of relapse but I refocused myself and I am now a 8 days without and Pmo. It’s crazy how your mind makes you think you need that behavior that leaves you miserable after but know that you are stronger then that and can make it through this time. You can do this hooked just take it a day at a time and stay strong

 

[guitar1968]

I have a general question: While I would best like to be completely off PMO, will occasional M (or MO) without any visual stimulus (P) hamper my efforts, or is it okay? I somehow feel that after masturbating a couple of times I start wanting more and that leads me to seek some visual stimulus - thence back into porn.
... ...
Damn, I seem to already have the answers to my questions - I'm just not listening to them.

I'm only 43 days in today so I'm probably not the best one to be answering this, but I have done a ton of reading on it and what I've found is that it is different for everyone. Personally, I'm going to try hardmode for 6 months if I can pull it off (hah-hah - I probably would have pulled it off by now) - all kidding aside, I masturbated at 30 days to orgasm using no porn and trying to think only of my wife. I eventually got there, but what I realized right away is that I need more time. More time for sensitivity to come back, more time away from my porn fantasies, just more time for everything. So I'm 43 days into no porn but I have further to go with MO. We'll see what happens and how far I get! I can tell you one thing and that is no more porn. No matter what. I don't want to do that anymore. It's just ruined too much and I'm not getting any younger. We're about the same age and our stories sound very similar.

Good luck and stay strong. You can do this.

 

[Hooked50s]

Hey hooked. For me I find that obstaining from M and O helps me keep in track I know even without the P it will lead me back to my old ways. It’s a difficult journey I a began my journey 5 weeks again I went 3 weeks without any P or M but like you I thought I could M without the P to take the edge off so to speak but boy was I wrong. It lead me to we week of relapse but I refocused myself and I am now a 8 days without and Pmo. It’s crazy how your mind makes you think you need that behavior that leaves you miserable after but know that you are stronger then that and can make it through this time. You can do this hooked just take it a day at a time and stay strong

Yeah, thanks... my gut tells me the same. So I'm now off PMO, henceforth.
Thanks for the encouragement!

 

[Hooked50s]

I'm only 43 days in today so I'm probably not the best one to be answering this, but I have done a ton of reading on it and what I've found is that it is different for everyone. Personally, I'm going to try hardmode for 6 months if I can pull it off (hah-hah - I probably would have pulled it off by now) - all kidding aside, I masturbated at 30 days to orgasm using no porn and trying to think only of my wife. I eventually got there, but what I realized right away is that I need more time. More time for sensitivity to come back, more time away from my porn fantasies, just more time for everything. So I'm 43 days into no porn but I have further to go with MO. We'll see what happens and how far I get! I can tell you one thing and that is no more porn. No matter what. I don't want to do that anymore. It's just ruined too much and I'm not getting any younger. We're about the same age and our stories sound very similar.

Good luck and stay strong. You can do this.

Thanks for the boost, Timetoheal!

 

[Hooked50s]

Take 2, Day 2. No PMO.
Please let this continue!

 

[jjacks]

Keep those goals in mind and keep writing in your journal. You'll get there! Porn is not an option

 

[Timetoheal2396]

Yeah, thanks... my gut tells me the same. So I'm now off PMO, henceforth.
Thanks for the encouragement!

I wish you well hooked. It’s not an easy journey but one worth taking. You can do this!!

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi, Hooked (great name for your journal- "Cold Turkey" and perfect picture, lol...!)

I have great hopes that you will accomplish your goals, overcome this thing, and be the man that you truly are deep down inside.

As for the shame, that comes with the territory of these behaviors...especially if we've been brought up in a traditional way. Regardless, for me I had to flip shame on its head, which began to occur in 2013, by embracing a radical forgiveness which I apply to myself for any and all downfalls or lapses. You'll find that as you receive forgiveness (if you're a X-tian), or at least radically forgive yourself, have compassion on yourself, you'll find that you can overcome this thing.

There's actually a diligent but a relaxed place from which to overcome this thing, too. Because it sounds like your past efforts were what we call white-knuckling, or the 'dry-drunk' phenomenon. That's why when you laspe, you end up binging. Set it, and forget it... put it out of your mind, or 'porn is not an option for me' mentality, and 'relax into' your recovery.

You'll learn how to recognize, but not worry so much about 'triggers' (what I call cues), and simply dismiss urges, without fighting them, without inviting them.

Any way I can help, just let me know.

 

[Carl_Smith]

Hello, Following your journal!
My journal is https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/21196/

I read your story. You fell into a trap.

"look at myself in the mirror"

Yes. I felt like a split-brain person for so long. It went away after being free from porn. I am right with God again. You can do it.

My specific goals are:-
- To never feel the urge to watch porn, ever again;
- To be able to successfully resist and overcome any triggers that I may come across in daily life;
- To be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I am in control, and that I am the man I wish to be;
- To be able to achieve orgasm during regular sex without having to visualise porn in my head;

Are you me? I wanted all those goals 3 months ago too.

Can you watch this video and this video and tell me what you think. (I made them)

 

[Carl_Smith]

Hey. Any thoughts on those videos? Also. You do NOT need to stop PMO while you're reading easy peasy. In fact, do it as much as you want.

 

[Hooked50s]

I've watched both your videos and I'm following your journal. I found the videos inspiring and reassuring - that if others have licked this problem, then so can I.

But a feeling of self-doubt remains in my mind, because somewhere deep inside I'm afraid that I'll read and listen to all this stuff, agree to the logic, and then... gradually revert to my old ways once my enthusiasm, the novelty of the new thought, and the pleasure of my initial 'success' die down.
But truly, interacting with you one-on-one - and in fact just seeing the face of a real person who has done what I'm trying to do - is what is really giving me hope.

Let me read Easy-Peasy and then I'll get back to you with my thoughts. Thanks once again for being my accountability partner!

 

[Carl_Smith]

Hey I saw your comment about honesty. No worries at all. The #1 way to connect the split brain you feel is to be honest about behavior and attitude. I'm glad you told me about the self doubt. Not a problem at all. I personally don't care if you PMO or not, but you can be honest with me and share your experience for the next 90 days.