MashuSan
Member
Last night I made my girlfriend do some kinky stuff and kind of act out some of the porn that I was watching.
Quick context setting: I relapsed a few days ago after a good month and a half and went through the whole shame/guilt/disappointment/anger/resolve/ motivation cycle over the last few days. So I'm trying again to reboot. As for that, I'm abstaining from porn.
The porn I got into is pretty kinky, we've never tried it. My girlfriend (whom I love and I proposed to and I want to have kids with) is such a sweetheart, she wants to please me so much so she went along with it. It really satisfied me, but now I feel shame regret and insecurity for what we did last night. What makes me feel bad is the place I was coming from when we did it last night. It was a from a place of mutual pleasure giving, shared value giving and beautiful spiritual sharing of eachothers bodies, it was more of a one-sided manipulative devaluing sort of place I was coming from when we did it yesterday. That's what I feel bad about right now.
I realized this morning that I may have made her question herself by pleasing me last night, so this morning I opened up to her and I made sure that she didn't feel guilty about trying to please me. I told her that last night was a completely natural thing to do and she was amazing (I personally think any sexual fantasy is fine) but I told her that the place I was personally coming from didn't feel right and I know it's because of my addiction to porn that I'm battling right now. She's my priority and I don't want her to feel remorseful of 'dirty' or devalued for playing out my fantasies. She understood in the end and I think she's really understanding and compassionate in that way, so I took care of that. By now the added responsibility is on my shoulders and I'm trying to deal with it right now and it's somewhat hard.
I think I did the right thing in trying to remove the responsibility off her shoulders and place it entirely on mine. I also think that playing out one of my fantasies last night was entirely okay to do, it was freaking hot and I loved every moment of it. But we only did it because I was trying not to masturbate, and I think that's wrong. I feel terrible about that, my hands are still shaking slightly as I'm typing. My stomach feels tight and I keep reverting back to feeling terrible but I keep trying not to beat myself up too bad and trying to be compassionate of myself and forgive myself in order to move on and heal.
I think posting about it too is a step in the right direction. I hope I'm going in the right direction, I hope within some time the feeling will pass and the dust will settle.
Quick context setting: I relapsed a few days ago after a good month and a half and went through the whole shame/guilt/disappointment/anger/resolve/ motivation cycle over the last few days. So I'm trying again to reboot. As for that, I'm abstaining from porn.
The porn I got into is pretty kinky, we've never tried it. My girlfriend (whom I love and I proposed to and I want to have kids with) is such a sweetheart, she wants to please me so much so she went along with it. It really satisfied me, but now I feel shame regret and insecurity for what we did last night. What makes me feel bad is the place I was coming from when we did it last night. It was a from a place of mutual pleasure giving, shared value giving and beautiful spiritual sharing of eachothers bodies, it was more of a one-sided manipulative devaluing sort of place I was coming from when we did it yesterday. That's what I feel bad about right now.
I realized this morning that I may have made her question herself by pleasing me last night, so this morning I opened up to her and I made sure that she didn't feel guilty about trying to please me. I told her that last night was a completely natural thing to do and she was amazing (I personally think any sexual fantasy is fine) but I told her that the place I was personally coming from didn't feel right and I know it's because of my addiction to porn that I'm battling right now. She's my priority and I don't want her to feel remorseful of 'dirty' or devalued for playing out my fantasies. She understood in the end and I think she's really understanding and compassionate in that way, so I took care of that. By now the added responsibility is on my shoulders and I'm trying to deal with it right now and it's somewhat hard.
I think I did the right thing in trying to remove the responsibility off her shoulders and place it entirely on mine. I also think that playing out one of my fantasies last night was entirely okay to do, it was freaking hot and I loved every moment of it. But we only did it because I was trying not to masturbate, and I think that's wrong. I feel terrible about that, my hands are still shaking slightly as I'm typing. My stomach feels tight and I keep reverting back to feeling terrible but I keep trying not to beat myself up too bad and trying to be compassionate of myself and forgive myself in order to move on and heal.
I think posting about it too is a step in the right direction. I hope I'm going in the right direction, I hope within some time the feeling will pass and the dust will settle.