Hi, I am new here! Please help!


New Member
Hi everyone, I am glad I found a forum for people who's partners are addicts to porn. It has been really inspiring hearing all these stories and it feels less lonely knowing that there are others going through similar situations.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years now and in December of 2020, he told me about his porn addiction. There were multiple lies that were thrown around as he felt shame and embarrassment from telling me. I gave him a very open-minded space to open up to me about it, but he still felt a lot of embarrassment. I did my best to understand him and did my research. I understood the addiction part, and as much as that hurt, the most hurtful things were all the lies he would tell me. It was lie after lie and that ruined the relationship and it ruined me. I felt so lost and confused. He managed to stop the porn watching for 4 months, until he broke up with me. Not even 12 hours after the breakup, he had fell into a relapse for about 5 days and stopped at the 6th because he wanted to get back together with me and didn't want to hurt me.

Recently, I caught him watching videos of half naked girls and he confessed that he had done it 3 times behind my back to other girls. It broke my heart because he had told me he stopped and he didn't want that anymore. Today, he told me that he thinks the addiction is coming back. He has been having a stressful week and it has been imbedded in his brain that the dopamine rush will help. I know this has nothing to do with me, but it really makes me feel like I'm never going to be enough for him. He said himself, that no matter what I do, or what I send him, he will always think of those girls when he needs that dopamine rush. I do understand this and how he feels. I know it must be so hard for him. He doesn't want to hurt me anymore and he is hesitant on if he even wants to be with me.

I told him that he really needs to get some help as he alone cannot help his addiction and he agreed. I really hope he does get help.

I just feel so lost and empty right now. I feel like my whole world is crashing down and things feel so heavy. I know I don't deserve to be treated like this, but whatever I do seems like a bad idea. I told him that it really hurts, and that I don't know how long I can take it, but he replied with he feels a lot of pressure from me. I just want things to be good. I want to know what to do because I feel so hurt and alone. It's a lot of pain that I am going through and it makes it worse that he is saying things like "I don't know if I want to still be with you." I've read a lot of comments from other rebooters and they all wanted to change for their partners and to get better themselves. What should I do? Is there anyone I can talk to? I feel very helpless and hurt... I don't know how to act to help my partner...


Hi kara, first of all, sorry about the situation u're in. In a way i'm "amazed" to see how much a women can read and know about the subject and still feel betrayed and all the things u said. (I'm a men). I don't mean that I don't understand, I do, it's just shows that even if you find logical answers to your problem, it does not solve the the emotion part. That is something to say about the complexity of the human brain.

So from what u said, what's left on the table to work on -> your bf making the effort of understanding the problem at 100%, realising it in a way.

My personnal experience with this has been as followed (and I've heard many many people having the same as me) :

- The realisation : At some point getting the information of what's even a porn addiction -> understanding that it's what's we're in, how, why, what are the consequences, etc..
- The trying : We try over and over to quit, we inform ourselfs on the subject more and more. But we always relapse at some point because we look at the problem from the wrong angle(for some ppl, the informations they find about the negatives of that habit is sufficient to quit once and for all within the first tries but it's damn rare, and they usually struggle fighting it everyday by their own willpower, not using the next point).
- Finding THE reason : That's the point where you actually quit, because every single time your brain is telling you "hey I want to give in to PMO, I need my dopamine rush", you will just have a reason that outperfom your brain's ones (and he can find damn good ones let me tell you), that's how it's working for me, I don't let it a chance to even accept that it's gonna happen. Although there is also a bunch of ppl who gets out of it without that reason and they struggle 1000% more coz they have a permanent willpower fight within their brain to not give in coz they lack a reason that's would be much more valuable to their eyes than porn. A year or two usually goes on between the realisation and finding the reason because that's a boat you are usually alone in (you're alone in your life coz of PMO, you feel like shit, etc..) and not pressured by your external environment, even worse, you're encouraged by your internal voice to stay in that situation so your brain can keep having what he craves. That's why it's usually long (some are struggling with it for 3, 5 yrs, I even see some ppl beating that addiction after 7-8 years). I'm pretty introspective so it took me 8 months to understand that by myself, and it works for me.

Side note : If u relapse after a long streak, the biggest trap is the "shame" u get out of it, because it makes you have that excuse "I may just give back in completely now", which is actually just your brain giving you a logical reason to access to what he craves. The reality is, imo, if u gave in let's say once "because you couldn't control yourself", fight the brain reason with "it is not canceling all my progress, it's just delaying what's coming next". But be carefull coz the brain is soooo smart, he could use it as "let's give in more, it's no big deal if I delay it a bit more" :LOL: coz now you'll eventually cancel all your progress, that's where your reason comes in and play its role right. So for sure you can and will feel bad, but let it sit with you and it will go soon enough/within days. (the "you" is impersonal ofc)

My personal reasons were : "I'm gonna do anything in my power to beat my tiredness and my anxiety which ruins my entire life" and I also kinda had a real declic in the first place after 8 months of knowing about the subject when I saw that study about how porn shrink the pleasure parts of your brain and hyper-activate your amygdala (I got some slight agora phobia out of nowhere for years), it all made so much sense of my situation. These reasons are enough for me to never fall into that cascade of fighting with my willpower against my brain to give in or not. (Need to add that yes, I feel the need of the porn, I feel strong craving sometimes, but it always stays at that point, no fight to know if ima give in or not). And I don't have either a job or a relationship, I'm on the computer ALL DAY, I could just give in at any time (if that's not hardmode idk what it is xD) but my reasons outperfom the porn so much that it works. As a lot ppl said before, if I can make it in that situation, you can aswell xD.


So In my opinion, your job in all this is to treat your own pain, in priority. Then, what you can do to help your bf is to bring him informations he has not already find to help him get to "stage 3 : The reason".

My experience for a "fast-growth" of the mind in your situation, again, in my opinion, i'm not a god of knowledge in any way :

1. I would recommand that he learns about himself more, if he get external help from a therapist, good. But I would also take some time to work on some introspection -> "who am I", "What do I want in life" "Why", "how about my relationship, my job, etc", by writting it down and really spend the time to answer these questions for myself by writting em down on paper, even if it's to trash it right after. I was the first being sceptical about the difference between just thinking things and writting them down but after I tried, I never quit that habit xD, so much more can come, and it works very well for emotional processing without any external help.

2. Understand what does he use it for ? For example, I used it whenever I felt alone, or stressed. It wasn't a pleasure thing at all, it was just to feel less pain/void. See what are the times of the day he would use it (stress, u said right) and find a parade to this specific time. Let's say it happens mostly when he's about to go sleep but he can't coz he's stressed and PMO is there for him, find a routine to help fill the void at that time. Ofc it's not that easy for the entire thing coz the brain will just look for another time, another way to get its hit, the "i'm stressed so i PMO" is just the reason the brain gives to the couscious being to get him what he wants, so be carefull about these tricks.

3. I know for you it will be obvious that THE reason should be your relationship, but I feel like he is in that stage I was in, few years ago, when I destroyed a nice and sweet 1.5 yrs relationship for porn (at the time I didn't even know this has anything to do with it). The thing he has to realise is that the "I don't even know if I want to be with you" (because he's doubting himself on beating this I guess, and he doesn't want to hurt you as I understood your saying), is only his f**king brain giving him a world where/a reason to get into a stable situation where he can give in the craving. It's just his damn brain trying to manipulate him, as it will keep trying over and over for years even if he stops PMO, because that's what an addiction is. That's why a SOLID REASON from his couscious mind, not one coupled with his damn brain craving the porn, is needed to beat that shit.

My even more personnal note on this if u read this bro (mister BF) : Please, I beg you, don't make the f**king mistake I made, if you choose to stay in relationship with porn it will destroy your life more and more over time and you will regret what you HAD and gave up for porn which gives you absolutely nothing in return. Even worse, it brings you a ton of negatives for so brieve and little pleasure in return (but that's what an addiction is right, even tho something is highly detrimental to your life/health, you just keep doing it). I know it may not seems like the reality you're in right now, or you don't feel like you can beat it, but that's just your dumb brain telling you this so he can just keep doing his thing. If u make the conscious effort (which is very hard at the beginning but clearly doable if u have the right reasons) you will see how much (and I bet u did already if that was real 4 month completely OFF (no porn, no erotic/subjective stuff at all, not even insta/tiktok/etc)). That's just a really serious addiction that is so taboo still in our culture so everyone does it and make it casual while it's just sooo damaging to you and your partner, as u can see.

4. What if he relapses even tho he thought he had the right reason, he will be discouraged at first but then the thing is "do not stay discouraged", and he gotta look for another reason that seems good enough for him and try it. As I said, my reason are what they are because of my personal situation, but what would be best is if he can realise how better your relationship is (cuddle more during these days maybe, i've seen some studies about its power when done daily and it's nuts (on the bonding side of things)). I'm not gonna talk about what you can do about the hurt when u learn about a relapse, I have no idea on the subject.


5. A personal observation, after around 18 days I got only a "baseline crave" which didn't move much if I managed my triggers well (not checking insta, tiktok, etc.. I Nothing subjective at all on any content, u really gotta put your heart in avoiding any visually arousing content in any possible way).

6. The pressure he feels from you, imo, is just what SHOULD BE. That's some of what u learn from jordan peterson and some other sources on the masculine/feminine energy (the next point), you are not here to be a support the way his mom or his best friend is, you are here to be the support a girlfriend can give, and part of it is the pressure to get better. From what I understand of the subject, a woman "should" pressure his man (consciously or not) to get his shit together, because who's gonna support her if he can't even support himself. That's how I get it, I might be wrong, u tell me. If I make a relation to your situation -> Yes he needs support, what he is in is hard, but guess what, as u mentionned you are hurt too and you need support too ! So if he can't give you that support, where should it come from ? Substitutes I guess like those who loves you beside your bf, then strangers on a forum, on the internet because you're out of options beside that, right ? What I mean is that the first support should be your bf but since he needs it too, he isn't able to give some back -> so -> pressure from you for him to get his shit together. I'm think that make sense, but again, u tell me.

7. Kind of out of the subject, but not at all in my opinion if I get your problem right. Get your BF to watch Jordan peterson content on youtube or even better to read his book (12 rules for life). There is so much he talks about that u can even just type "jordan peterson relationship" you'll get montage of speechs about what are his ideas on the subject, this is just great to understand that what drives man are responsabilities (this is so rich in knowledges jesus).

8. My last advice is actually the first I gave even before "1.", get him informed even more. Some ppl here might add some other great books. I haven't read these one but I saw a good amount of ppl on the nofap community recommending the followings, especially for relationships in your situation :
- Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships
- Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity

And one more general about the subject :
- Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction

A channel you could throw to him if u feel it, idk that came to my mind, I feel like it's great content for a man in general to understand overall feminine viewpoint, and then adapt to the context of the relationship : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMB7akbrFVYXzJOc7JHMX-Q

As a last note, I spent 2 hours writting this xd (which I'm glad I did), and I have no idea about your situation seeking help in here, but if he could read that piece of words I think (or at least hope) that could give him some hints about his problem, which we are all in, in some ways or other on that forum, on the nofap community, and way beyond among those who haven't access the information yet sadly.
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