Reclaiming my agency - Discovering self through overcoming my addictions

I

Impression

Member
Day 0

Wow, this is scary. Sharing such a hidden and private part of my life with a group of strangers is a daunting thing to do. But I am comforted by the knowing and understanding that we are all on similar paths - even though each individual path has totally different contexts, trajectories, start points and end points. It has been wonderful to read through some other threads in this forum and to find that I resonate with so many aspects of what has been written therein! I am excited to join this supportive and well-meaning community, and to overcome this dopamine devouring addiction!

I guess to be clear about why I am here: I am addicted to internet porn and PMO by extension. I am addicted to the internet in general (mostly YouTube, but sometimes Facebook, Instagram and other social media sites). I am addicted to marijuana and although I realise that this platform is not necessarily for substance addiction, my addiction to marijuana feeds and enables my other addictions in many ways - more on that to come.

My overall intention: to become liberated from these invisible chains that bind me to a life of illusion and dis-ease. I feel as though my addictions are robbing me of my true agency, and are holding me back from realising a version of myself that I know is within me, who is just bursting to show himself to the world. I have an intuitive knowing that my addictions (and many other people's addictions) are rooted in trauma, and my addictive behaviours are my way of coping with those traumas. So my secondary intention is to discover parts of my true self through unpacking and uncovering why I am addicted to PMO, the internet and marijuana. Why am I addicted to distracting my mind?

As a bit of background to my PMO and internet addiction: I first started watching porn at the age of about 13 or 14 (I am now 27 going on 28). At first it was intermittently and I felt both guilty, ashamed and exhilarated by the experience, but I soon became a regular PMOer and have done it probably on average 4-5 days every week. With some bouts of really intense fapping (like 2-3 times a day) and other other bouts of trying to quit and trying to cut-down. This addiction has fed into my addiction to the internet and to distraction in general. And I suppose to the dopamine release that my brain receives each time I watch a pointless video on YouTube or PMO plays a large part in my addiction too.

My addiction to marijuana is strongly associated with my desire to 'switch off' - I suppose like many of us who are addicted to marijuana and PMO etc. This switching off effect also switched off any willpower I'd built up towards quitting PMO and spending time on the internet - so in many ways this addiction goes hand in hand with my PMO and internet addiction.

Previously, I have tried to quit PMO because it makes my feel ashamed, disgusted at myself, frustrated, it definitely affects my libido and performance during intimacy with a partner, I think it makes me anti-social, it gives me acute lower back pain when I do it frequently, I feel like I rely on it instead of healthy coping mechanisms, and I am coming to recognize that my brain has come to rely on the dopamine kicks I derive from PMO. I also strongly disagree with the objectification of the women's body, but watching P frequently results in my objectification of women's bodies and I intensely dislike that experience too. I haven't really suffered from ED, but I do feel like I have never really been able to fully express myself sexually, or at least I don't know what my sexuality is like without PMO because I have been addicted since before I lost my virginity.

So this is the beginning of my journey to overcoming this (these) addictions and I am thrilled. I have no expectations, but I do understand that it may be very very challenging at some points, and that it may be glorious at other points. I feel like I need all of it! I feel like I need to feel again.

Anyway - here we go!
 
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I

Impression

Member
Day 1

Today has been a good day, for the most part, and I am driven and activated to beat this thing. After I wrote my first journal entry last night, I decided to talk to my partner of 16 months about my serious addictions, because she deserves to know and we have a relationship that is built on trust and open communication. And because I know that she will make the most incredible accountability partner! It didn't go down too well at first - but once I had started unpacking some aspects of my addictions that she was not aware of, she became far more receptive and supportive of this journey that I am embarking on. I need to make myself accountable to others because I know that external validation drives a lot of my actions. I hate disappointing people. (This is a not so subtle request for an accountability partner here on Reboot Nation).

I discovered/noticed a few interesting things today:
  1. I PMO when I feel like I have a lot to do - be it work related, chores, messages to respond to, people to see etc. Dopamine is the motivation neuromodulator in our brains - it gives us drive to accomplish things. So when I have a lot to do and I really don't feel like doing any of those things, I know PMO will give me the dopamine rush that will make my brain feel like I have achieved something. It has started replacing my desire to achieve things to some degree - which is a big red flag for me!
  2. In order for me to overcome my addictions, I am the kind of person who needs to understand why I am addicted. I am going to try and stop, go cold-turkey on this thing, but in order for me to really feel like I have my agency back, I need to unpack the why of my addition. Enter self discovery!
  3. Although I often want to be extremely masculine and assertive while having sex with my partner, I find myself becoming quite submissive and feminine more often than not. I can attribute this to the fact that I really dislike the portrayal of women as objects and simply a means to orgasm in many of the more mainstream P that I consumed. And I found the male assertiveness and dominance quite shameful and I never want to make anyone feel like they are being forced into doing anything that they don't want to do. It made me feel guilty each time I PMO and I think that I carry this guilt and shame with me into intimate spaces with my partner which turns into me being submissive and tame. And I know that she hates it when I am submissive! She often tells me that she wants me to be assertive and domineering. She wants me to lust over her - so that she feels desired and lusted after. So I carry this guilt with me each time we are intimate and it is really difficult to remain creative and interesting in this space.
It feels like a pretty good first day to be honest. I feel like I have covered a lot of ground. Tomorrow I will read the article Start here: Evolution has not prepared your brain for today’s porn to see what that is all about.

Until then. Peace out!
 
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I

Impression

Member
Rchie99 said:
Glad to have you here Impression, welcome. I can't relate to your drug use but I understand where you're coming from. You seem like you are more than capable of accomplishing this, and I am proud to give you my support.
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Hey man - thank you so much for this vote of confidence and for your pledge of support! I think I could do with all of it. I appreciate that.
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 2 and 3

Wow, what a wild ride this has been so far actually. I'm not sure how much of it has just been coincidental and how much has been a result of this decision of mine to quit PMO for real, but it feels like I am already stepping into a place of being empowered. I've always been very poor at setting boundaries. I am a really decent and kind person, so I often get taken advantage of because I just want everybody to be happy. I don't want to cause anyone any suffering. I think that my inability to set external boundaries has hindered my ability to set internal boundaries. Because I am forever giving other people the benefit of the doubt and forgiving others for taking advantage of me, I have become complacent in my own moral and value system, because I just end up ignoring the things that really bother me. So in many ways I feel like working on my boundary setting in my external world will help me start reconstructing and redirecting my internal moral and value compass. Its almost like strengthening my willpower "muscle". I must have the willpower to put healthy boundaries in place, and I must use that same willpower to tear me away from my computer or phone screen when I feel the urges to fap.

This week I put up some very healthy boundaries with a friend of mine because he was really beginning to drain my energy, and I put up some really good boundaries with my partner today as well. And then this evening I had some really strong urges. I was triggered on Facebook when a past crush of mine came up in my news feed and I didn't even want to M with thoughts of her in my head, but I felt a definite stirring in my loins and an expectant whir in my head. Fortunately my willpower muscle held out tonight.

I hear the second, third and fourth weeks are pretty hectic in terms of testing ones willpower to overcome this...

Anyway - I also had really healthy conversations with my partner about this and we are in a really good place. We also uncovered an important event in my life that I have carried with me for four years now, and has been negatively affecting my sexuality and my relationship to women in general. But it is late in the night and I will write about that on another day.

For now, I will rest in gratitude.

Peace to any brother who has taken the time to read this. I appreciate you.
 
I

Impression

Member
Rchie99 said:
The link that you brought up with P and procrastonation resonated with me, that's something that I struggled with when I was in school. That's probably been a major problem for the online learning students since Covid happened.

What you said about sexual assertiveness stood out to me as well. I have heard mixed messages about this sort of thing. The impressions I've recieved from Fight The New Drug and other groups opposed to our current sexual culture don't correlate very well with personal anecdotes I've heard from people both online and IRL. Maybe the women involved in the latter's case were pressured/conditioned to be that way. I have no experience of my own to consider, but I can safely conclude that women are unique and complicated. Figuring out as a pair-bonding couple what you're both comfortable with is part of the relationship experience. Its nice that the woman in your life makes her grievances discernable, that's not always the case unfortunately.

Also I would like to be your accountability partner, I started my journal not long before you did so that would strengthen the morale boost I guess.
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That's great! Thank you for this - I'd love to share accountability with you. I'll PM you about it tomorrow. And what is this Fight the New Drug? I am not familiar with it.
 
I

Impression

Member
Rchie99 said:
I will answer this question in this public thread rather than a DM so that other people can learn this valuable information. Fight The New Drug is a non-profit/legislative/religious organization that raises awareness of the harms of P in regards to individuals relationships and society as a whole, so that people can make informed decisions regarding their P usage. I discovered it last year when I searched "anti-porn organizations", with the intent of validating my suspicions of P and to be passionate about something greater than myself that actually matters. It isn't 100% anti-P, they don't want to revoke the access adults have to legal P. But if you soak up the knowledge that they aggregate, consuming P will pretty much always be a bad decision. FTND has plenty of solid articles and stylish merch. FTND also has a podcast called Consider Before Consuming, and one of the episodes featured the creator of this site Gabe Deem. That's how I got here.
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Thank you for this information man - I will definitely check FTND and Consider Before Consuming out this week. It has been diarised, it will be done!
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 4

So I spent the entire day recording music with a band that I play with so I have been busy in the studio for the day and have only started to unwind from the day now. I have a very close bond with all of the people that I play with so I felt safe and held the entire day. I have had no urges to speak of today which I am really happy to report on. I must say though, that knowing that I am going to visit this site at the end of the day is really motivating. I have kept a journal on and off for at least four years now, and whenever I write in it often, I find that I am able to express my thoughts and feelings so much more concisely and clearly when in conversation and relation to others. So being so committed to this journaling process is really helping me in my life outside of my PC.

I am really fortunate to be dating someone who is actively working in trauma therapy and trauma informed yoga therapies as she is extremely knowledgeable about addiction. As I mentioned in my initial entry, I am convinced that my addiction to porn was perhaps not created by a trauma, but was certainly perpetuated by traumatic experiences (both emotional and physical) that happened to me growing up. While I haven't yet linked any of my experiences directly back to my dependence of porn, my partner always encourages me to ask myself why? Why is the most important question that we can ask ourselves, because it allows us to step back from the situation a little bit, and have a 'zoomed out' or far more objective view of a situation or experience, so that we can find the potential links that the experience may have to behavioural patterns. So I am going to try and employ this question asking technique more frequently when I notice I have urges, or when I notice an action that I'd actually like to stop making in the future.

Why?
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 5

Just a quick entry today as I am at work, but I just want to make it a regular thing writing in here. I had some urges yesterday, some thoughts came up in the morning just after waking up (mostly of my partner - so not actually harmful), and while I was browsing through YouTube (YouTube thumbnails seem to be designed to grab men's sexual attention). But I thwarted those thoughts so quickly that they had no chance to get any traction on their dopamine hungry pathways. I also spoke to one of my good friends about my addiction and the fact that I have started my journey here, so in many ways I have a really good support network and a really strong set of accountability partners. I couldn't stand thought of the disappointment that I'd feel if I crumbled. So I'm not going to!
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 12

So I've missed a few days of entries here because I am moving house and have had a lot on the go - but the positive news is that I am feeling really good wrt my sexual impulses and I have been much more aware of any urges that have come around. I guess in many ways, I have spent a lot of time around my partner and that has been a really comforting and in many ways a preventative presence. So while I feel like I have been really good, I also am aware that my circumstance have not really allowed me the opportunity to PMO (although that has never stopped me in the past as I've always been able to make a plan to get some quiet time alone). But two things came up for me which I found interesting to note:
  1. Because I have been engaged and busy, I am not really thinking about P or M, and by extension O. So even when urges do come along, I am usually distracted from them fairly quickly. Which is really nice, but will not be the reality forever and I know that there will be plenty of time where I will be alone and will have time and space to follow my urges should I have a moment of weakness. So basically, I have felt a little complacent in the last few days because of this and I am working hard to make time to come and visit this space or to write in my own personal journal or to meditate to bring awareness back into this realm of quitting.
  2. My morning wood is harder than I think it has ever been and I am often waking up in the night with really hard (almost uncomfortably hard) erections. Which has never happened to this extent before - and it remains really hard for a long time. So I am taking this immediate sign as a really good sign that my libido is returning with force and that my body is finding more natural and healthy ways of experiencing sexual arousal.
I am going away next week, so I will be spending the evening alone. I am worried about my urges becoming very difficult to ignore while I am away and will need to continuously be on the lookout for triggering things. I think I need to take activities with me so that I can keep myself occupied? Or perhaps I should face this addiction and dive deep into the reasons I have become plagued by it? I'm not sure. I'll see how this weekend pans out.

For now. Strength to you all who read this. You've got this. And if you don't, tomorrow is always another opportunity to start over.
 
C

canguro

Active Member
Sounds like you´re making fast progress! 💪
Are you working out or anything else positive that distracts you and helps you to "switch off"?
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 31

Wow what a journey this has been! I feel a bit bad that I haven’t been writing in my journal, but I have the most incredible support network that I have curated to give me the support that I feel like I need to beat my addiction to porn.
However, I was away last week and was staying in a hotel and was working really really hard. I know that when I work and become stressed, I am my most weak and vulnerable to relapse because when I am working hard and for long hours, the work that I am doing does not have sufficient short term goals that I can attach dopamine injections into my brain to. So an easy way for me to experience motivation and an increase in drive to carry on doing the work is to release dopamine into my brain, and the easiest and most certain way I know how to do that is to masturbate. So last week I really felt the dopamine withdrawal. But instead, I got into a cold shower, did some powerful breath work and made some tea and carried on with what I was doing. I was really proud of myself for overcoming that really difficult period of urges.
I have noticed a marked increase in my libido as well. I’m really horny at the moment and it feels really really good to be naturally sexually driven. Things have been good so far.
As always, thanks for reading and commenting. Peace out!
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 1
I have failed repeatedly over the last six months. I crumbled pretty quickly after my last post here and I was too ashamed to come back and admit it. Fuck it sucks to know that you have failed. And all of the awareness that I had built around this addiction went down the drain in a single moment of nearsightedness and unconsciousness. It was so funny to see how my ego puffed itself up after a month of no masturbation or porn - I think my egoic mind thought that I was healed! Hah. It got pretty deflated after that!

Anyway, I am here again to try again because I can’t be doing this shit anymore. My body and mind need all the energy that I can get right now, so I can’t be giving it away to PMO. And I honestly don’t want to give any energy to that ever again! So here’s to starting over - at least we all get second chances here. Peace out brothers!
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 4
Still going strong here for now, but I have had multiple urges to PMO in the last few days. It’s crazy how it has become a part of my routine. Luckily I am learning to speak Spanish and setting up a mens support group so I have some things that I can replace PMO with. To some extent anyway. Nothing can really replace PMO. But I am trying again! Stay strong brothers.
 
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