Committed

[anubu0]

Hello everyone. It has been a year since I first posted on rebootnation and I feel pretty embarrassed and ashamed to say I am still struggling with PMO. Despite the various methods I have employed, the accountability that I have set up, and the help that I have received, I still find myself crawling back to p frequently. I know everyone says that this journey is full of ups and downs but mine has mostly just been full of downs; my p addiction along with the severity of my PIED has worsened.

I made a pledge at the beginning of the journey to reshape my life completely but p has been a major obstacle in achieving this. I want to be genuinely happy again but every time after a relapse I feel so incredibly down its difficult to get back up again. To be completely honest, I feel so extremely tired and lethargic, as the past few months have constituted of the same exact monotonous pattern: abstain for a few weeks, relapse, abstain for a few more weeks, relapse, abstain for a few days, relapse. I'm tired of this and I feel pathetic.

 

[anubu0]

July 21st; Day 0

Although I feel pretty bad about myself, I have hope that I will get myself out of this. My biggest problem in the past is that I don't fully commit myself enough to the process. After some reflection, I feel as if I just meandered and half heartedly tried to battle this p addiction. But I'm ready this time, because If I can't do it now, I won't be able to do it in the future. I will beat this p addiction and fully commit myself to the process.

Lesson 1: Exercises

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.

Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys?

1) I feel that now I am ready to be actively committed. I realize that I haven't been for the past few months. I've let myself lose focus in other aspects of my life which has allowed p to take over. Going forward, I will actively tackle p addiction instead of trying to passively recover.
2) I have been pretty bad about this one. Every time I experience a relapse, I experience immense guilt and shame. I feel guilty that I reached out to so many people for advice, advice that I am not actively committing myself to. I feel guilty to my parents for still struggling with my problems even after I told them. I feel shame directed at myself and I feel pathetic. Despite these feelings, I have always been trying to defeat my p addiction, although sometimes passively. Now, I am ready to take the next step and be committed to myself.
3) I have been pretty impatient recently for no rhyme nor reason. I get frustrated when I don't see immediate results but I need to understand that every single second I go without PMO is a second that increases my wellbeing and emotional status. I have also been measuring my recovery through the presence of PIED which has been a poor choice. Going forward, I will be patient with myself and trust the process.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positve. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

1) I want to be able to experience sincere joy again.
2) I want to be able to experience love and maintain a relationship
3) I want to stop disappointing myself and those around me
4) I want to show that I have the ability and the strength to change
5) I want to stop being so perverted and sexually focused
6) I want to live a life of motivation rather than aimlessness
7) I want to feel like a success
8) I want to be able to have intercourse
9) I want to stop being distracted
10) I want to stop bringing shame to my mom.
11) I want to become super human.

 

[anubu0]

July 22nd; Day 1

I've noticed a big difference between my social self and my personal self. It feels weird to say but its almost as if I have two identities. When I'm by myself, I feel more alone obviously but I also feel the presence of the p addiction. When I'm out with others, I forget completely about my addiction and am happy. I think in order to fully address my problem, I need to be conscious about it 24/7.

Lesson 2: Exercises

A. Take at least twenty minutes to be alone. If you have a family, ask them to respect this time that you are taking. Make sure that you leave your cell phone off. That the dog is fed. That there will be no distractions. Take a walk by yourself. Sit alone on the beach. Find somewhere secluded and then, think. Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward. Think about your legacy. Create a vision that you would feel comfortable committing yourself to pursuing. One that, as you someday look back upon your life, will allow you to feel proud of the person that you developed into. Of the life that you led.

B. OPTIONAL If you have someone in your life to talk with about this vision, consider talking with them. You are not looking for validation, correction, guidance...you are just moving one step closer to making this vision your reality. However, it is important that the person you choose to share this vision with not listen with a critical ear. You are in the infancy stage of learning how to perceive, develop and manage your life as a healthy adult — there is no need to reinforce your short-comings during this exercise.

C. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Recovery Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (such as a coach or mentor) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.

C) My vision is one of me being successful in everything that I pursue. Academically, I am comfortable with myself; I am able to have actual conversations with people and not be stupid. Physically, I am stronger and bigger. Socially, I am not as awkward and annoying, I am relaxed and approachable. Musically, I am able to arrange my own guitar pieces and write my own songs.

 

[Caravan7]

Dear anubu0,

First of all, lots of empathy and understanding for you, bro! No need to feel guilty or ashamed, those emotions won't help you too much, if I may suggest.

You would forgive me if I take a slightly different direction, but some materials I've seen about behavior change suggests that motivation is not capable alone. You certainly do not lack a strong motivation, but if you keep relapsing, perhaps consider working on factors other than motivation. I found these insights useful:

1) The porn addiction may be the result of deeper problems (perhaps not even sexual in nature) which you may want to investigate with a therapist. As this article suggests, there is often a link between early trauma and addiction:

How Sexual Fantasies Can Connect to Our Traumatic Past

On this topic, Rick McKain will discuss the connection of one's past and reason why many of men fantasize the way that they do.

www.marrinc.org

2) The science of habit change suggests approaches alternative to just fighting the impulse or relying on motivation. Take a look at these:

(he focuses on smoking, but you can replace PMO)

(this sounds too easy, but the concept is not wrong, I think, similar to the above)

In sum, work on healing both the brain (which is an organ, with certain neuro chemical mechanism that can be hacked) and yourself as a holistic person (therapy, digging deep into your emotional past)

I don't think it's a problem of commitment, or at least not primarily.

I hope this helps, it has helped me.

Best wishes
C7

 

[anubu0]

Hey Caravan,

Thank you for the information and your words of encouragement. As far as mindfulness and willingness goes, I have been pretty poor at developing these defense strategies but I now see the advantages to them. I am going to introduce mindfulness and willingness training to my daily routine to develop these skills.

 

[anubu0]

July 23rd; Day 2

The exercises yesterday helped me envision my future self and set goals for myself. It's time for me to be active and make decisions in my life. I am now an adult who can't just live passively, I need to actively shape my life.

Lesson 3: Exercises

 

[wwalker19]

Hey man, it's been a bit. I hope you're doing alright.

My advice as someone on the same journey who has also not yet accomplished his goals is this;

1. Don't look at your life as on hold before you quit porn. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Live your life, do everything you can to be fulfilled and happy now. Happiness doesn't come after finishing this or simply because you've been clean from porn for however many days. You'll likely also find that if you make personal fulfillment a priority, abstaining will be easier as well.
2. Don't assume you're not motivated enough, or that you're not trying hard enough. This isn't something you can beat like that. It takes a different approach, because sooner or later your motivation will fade. You think you can maintain this exact same mindset for 3 months straight? 3 years? you'll hit rough patches and things change. You need to tackle it from another perspective.
3. This is a facet of behavior change which is really difficult for humans in general. I recommend reading about behavior change, especially How to Change by Katie Milkman, it's a great book. Have a strategy, adjust your life such that pmo can't fit in as easily, and if you relapse, whatever. Do better next time, don't let it get you down.

I wish the best for you!

 

[Caravan7]

Hi, I agree 100% with wwalker. Thanks for the book tip btw.
Motivation and emotional energy wax and wane, you can't rely on those. We all need to build the habit of NOT doing PMO or sub versions, and doing something else instead. It's sort of a life long thing really. But life happens one day at a time: so just do well today, and that's all for today. Tomorrow, wake up and do well for the day, and that's plenty. Repeat.
That's what I'm try to do, and I am putting in place practical relaxation strategies for when the urge hits.

All the best wishes

 

[Jeks]

hey anubu0,
you are doing good, making plans and thinking about, what reasons you have to get over this, is something that helped me myself a lot.
Another advice, i would suggest to you, is to make also a vision for how life would have to be, so that you would not suffer anymore. I don't know if you already reached such a point in you reboot, but for me i got into some really dark places and i was so hopeless, that a vision about how beautiful i would life like to be, could not touch me anymore, because it felt so far out of reach and it didn't gave me any hope, but even sometimes put myself under even more pressure. Thats why i also started experimenting with this concept of a baseline-vision, which is a place, where i am not suffering and things are going in the right direction, but are maybe not "perfect". When i was really deep down, that was sometimes more helpful and more practical for me.

Good luck man

 

[anubu0]

July 25th; Day 4

Thank you Jeks, Caravan, and Walker; your words and advice mean a lot.

Walker, I think a reason I feel frustrated with myself and my motivation is because I have seen it dwindle over the course of my rebooting journey. When I first attempted a reboot, I was extremely energetic about the process but to no avail and consequently, every single reboot after has seen a decrease in motivation. My hope with coming back to reboot nation and taking measures to change certain life habits is that it will give me that small spark, which yes I agree will eventually go away, but will help me make my initial habitual changes.

Caravan, your mindfulness and willingness information is extremely insightful. Many senior members of this and other forums preach this methodology so surely it has some ethos. I will begin exploring these tactics daily to train them for when p urges arrive.

Jeks, you and I both share this idea of a baseline vision. Personally, p has destroyed relationships and has stripped me of my happiness. With it out of my life, I would be in a position to recreate these relationships and live burden free. I have never really reached "ground zero" however; I think this is because I tend to separate or forget about my p addiction when in social setting.

Walker and Jeks, I've missed you guys and hope that your journeys are going well. I am sorry for abandoning you guys and the rest of the members of this forum; this journey is difficult and it constantly makes you revaluate your life and make some very ill thought out decisions.

Going off what you said earlier Caravan, small successes everyday will lead to big successes overtime. I need to think smaller because making large life alterations immediately is practically impossible. My goal for today / tomorrow is to impose a morning routine for myself. Here is my plan; please feel free to post your suggestions:

Morning Routine:
1) Wake up sometime between 7:00 - 7:30 AM
2) Make my bed and brush my teeth.
3) Go outside and practice mindfullness/willingness for 5 minutes
4) Come back inside and then shower
5) Journal
6) Prepare/Eat Breakfast while listening to some music.

 

[Caravan7]

Keep going strong man!
I'm a big fan of making the bed every morning, and also keep your kitchen sink free and clean at all times. This sort of tidiness in your environment helps to make you feel tidy inside, to which meditation also contributes. It's so holistic. Good sleep and exercise keep your endorphins and general well being in good shape, reducing the need for the stress relief provided by P. And when the stress or urge does mount, at that point you can have something in place before hand, including the willingness/acceptance routine, walking outside, journaling about your emotions instead, or R.E.L.A.X. (a technique of mine, check it out in another post).

We're throwing so many things at this asshole of a PMO thing that it cannot survive in the long term. I refuse to think that a neurochemical pathway is stronger than us, when we put all our determination against it: it will rewire, in time, no question. Rock solid confidence and keep plowing away, day by day.

 

[anubu0]

July 26th; Day 5

Morning routine got a little bit botched this morning; for starters, I woke up 2 hours later than I was supposed to and immediately had to help my parents with something. Still though, can't expect to change everything immediately, baby steps. For my recovery nation lesson today I am just gonna clean my room and tidy up around the house.

 

[anubu0]

July 27th; Day 0

Had two slip ups yesterday shortly after I journaled. I need to find the fine line between being conscious of my problem and constantly thinking about it. When I experienced the urges yesterday, I was able to dismiss the first few waves, which felt great, but I then had more and more which I was not prepared for.

I woke up this morning and followed my mourning routine well. For the first 20 minutes, I did not use any technology and was able to wake myself up by clearing my mind. It felt nice and refreshing and I will make this a habit. My confidence lately in the process and in myself has been shot recently but I'm determined to get past this. I can and will do this.

 

[anubu0]

July 28th; Day 1

Feeling good and confident.