First Time Here, Long Time Coming

[CoolBreeze]

It’s good you feel like you can win.
Do you think it’s possible your wife would read the book “ Your Brain on Porn”?

Gaining a understanding of what you’re going through may help.

Also the book Sex Addiction 101 which covers Porn Addiction and other areas.

I thought my Porn addiction was as simple as I think these women are hot etc but there’s much more to it as you know.

Finding out your spouse has a addiction can be hurtful but we do need understanding and support if we are making a effort to recover. Her gaining knowledge of your addiction may lead to healing.
Peace and Strength.

 

[Noah]

Glad to hear that you are still doing well staying away from porn during such a very stressful time. There is nothing worse than sharing a home with a spouse who is feeling betrayed and gaining that trust back is not easy. I'm not one of the people here who feels using porn is a betrayal to our wives. I know a lot of people here feel it is, but I do believe that for the people who can actually use it occasionally without becoming addicts is fine. But if it is something you and your wife decided together that was unacceptable in your relationship, then I guess it is a betrayal. I hope you can get to a place where your wife trusts you again and I truly hope you can conquer the demon of addiction that we all are dealing with.

Good luck and stay strong.

Yes, thank you, and I agree. For some people, porn need not be a betrayal. But for me, it is. I use it as a substitute for emotional and physical intimacy, not as a complement to it. And yeah, the main problem is that I lied about it for so many years. I'll earn back that trust over time, I know it.

 

[Noah]

It’s good you feel like you can win.
Do you think it’s possible your wife would read the book “ Your Brain on Porn”?

Gaining a understanding of what you’re going through may help.

Also the book Sex Addiction 101 which covers Porn Addiction and other areas.

I thought my Porn addiction was as simple as I think these women are hot etc but there’s much more to it as you know.

Finding out your spouse has a addiction can be hurtful but we do need understanding and support if we are making a effort to recover. Her gaining knowledge of your addiction may lead to healing.
Peace and Strength.

That's a good idea. I haven't read the book yet myself, but I really should. Seems like everyone who is doing well in their recovery on here recommends it. Maybe after I've read it, I'll suggest it to her.

I have told her about how my childhood traumas led me to a porn addiction, but right now, she just sees that as me letting myself off the hook. The book might be better in engendering some sympathy for what I'm going through, since it's information that's not coming directly from me. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[guitar1968]

That's a good idea. I haven't read the book yet myself, but I really should. Seems like everyone who is doing well in their recovery on here recommends it. Maybe after I've read it, I'll suggest it to her.

I have told her about how my childhood traumas led me to a porn addiction, but right now, she just sees that as me letting myself off the hook. The book might be better in engendering some sympathy for what I'm going through, since it's information that's not coming directly from me. Thanks for the suggestion.

I think as you read journals here you'll find a lot of us never had any childhood traumas and also ended up deeply addicted to porn. It's a beast that can grab a hold of anyone. You are actually probably stronger because of what you went through. That strength will surely help you get through all of this.

Reading the book will definitely help you and it could certainly help your wife. I also read The Easy Peasy method for quitting porn and for some reason that connect with me even more. I think it was just breaking it down that so many feel like we are giving up porn and that hurts, but we need to change our mindset to how much we are gaining. More time, better sex, better relationships, more energy, feeling better about ourselves. So much more to gain then what we are giving up. That just made sense to me especially when I thought back on all the hours I wasted with porn when I could be creating music, drawing, going for a walk with my wife and daughter etc. Then you start getting mad that you let yourself get pulled in to something so detrimental to your life.

 

[Noah]

I think as you read journals here you'll find a lot of us never had any childhood traumas and also ended up deeply addicted to porn. It's a beast that can grab a hold of anyone. You are actually probably stronger because of what you went through. That strength will surely help you get through all of this.

Reading the book will definitely help you and it could certainly help your wife. I also read The Easy Peasy method for quitting porn and for some reason that connect with me even more. I think it was just breaking it down that so many feel like we are giving up porn and that hurts, but we need to change our mindset to how much we are gaining. More time, better sex, better relationships, more energy, feeling better about ourselves. So much more to gain then what we are giving up. That just made sense to me especially when I thought back on all the hours I wasted with porn when I could be creating music, drawing, going for a walk with my wife and daughter etc. Then you start getting mad that you let yourself get pulled in to something so detrimental to your life.

This resonates with me a lot. There are so many things I've wanted to do: write books, make music, have better relationships with my wife and family. I wonder if p*rn was the thing stopping me from doing all that stuff. We'll see.

 

[CoolBreeze]

That's a good idea. I haven't read the book yet myself, but I really should. Seems like everyone who is doing well in their recovery on here recommends it. Maybe after I've read it, I'll suggest it to her.

I have told her about how my childhood traumas led me to a porn addiction, but right now, she just sees that as me letting myself off the hook. The book might be better in engendering some sympathy for what I'm going through, since it's information that's not coming directly from me. Thanks for the suggestion.

I had childhood traumas also. For myself personally it’s a very big factor in my sex addiction in which porn was my preference. Porn definitely screwed me up but before porn I was acting out with real life women in my teens and early 20’s and it carried over to 30’s 40’s and 50’s. For me Porn is a huge part of the story but definitely not the only part.
Peace and Strength brother.

 

[Noah]

Day 9 without PMO. Some strong urges today, but I held fast. I accidentally came across a nude photo of a famous actress on Twitter, and I clicked on it. Before I could do anything, I clicked out of the photo and blocked the user who posted it. I'm counting this as a day without P.

The thing that scares me now is that I am cutting sexuality out of my life completely. My dick is just a lifeless piece of flesh right now. And small! Smaller than it ever has been before. From what I've read on here, this is common to the rebooting process, but it is just so strange to have no sexuality in my life at all. I pray that this will change at some point, that my wife and I will want to have sex again. But we're not there yet, and neither is Mr. Happy.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 9 without PMO. Some strong urges today, but I held fast. I accidentally came across a nude photo of a famous actress on Twitter, and I clicked on it. Before I could do anything, I clicked out of the photo and blocked the user who posted it. I'm counting this as a day without P.

The thing that scares me now is that I am cutting sexuality out of my life completely. My dick is just a lifeless piece of flesh right now. And small! Smaller than it ever has been before. From what I've read on here, this is common to the rebooting process, but it is just so strange to have no sexuality in my life at all. I pray that this will change at some point, that my wife and I will want to have sex again. But we're not there yet, and neither is Mr. Happy.

I think those moments of "stopping yourself" -- seeing a trigger, following it for a second, and then pulling yourself away from the ledge-- can be very empowering if you learn from them. I always try to notice those moments and take note of what my state of mind was, what magic gave me the strength in that moment to walk away from the trigger. I think recovery is mastering that ability.

 

[Noah]

Back to square one. This morning, my brain turned to fantasizing, and I started to M. After about a minute, I heard my wife in the other room, so I quickly put it away. I thought I was doing it just to test my dick. To see if it would work, which is no sure thing given how flaccid it has been for the last 9 days. But the further I went - in just those few minutes - the more I felt that old, familiar buzz. I didn't finish, but I don't know what I would have done if my wife had not been in the next room. It's a relapse, no doubt about it.

So what changed? For the last two days, there has been a new challenge: crippling depression. Not new, actually, because I have struggled with it my whole life. But it stayed at bay for the first week without PMO. Now it's back. Hopelessness. Shame. Suicidal thoughts. I used to think the depression was caused by my porn addiction, that it was the result of shame and low self-esteem. But now I'm wondering if it was a way to stave off depression that was with me even before I got addicted. It might sound weird, but PMO made me feel alive when I was at my lowest. Without it, there is nothing to beat the depression back.

I've been through this long enough to know that doing anything drastic would be a bad idea. Depression comes and goes in waves. I'm going to stick it out through this process. But man, it doesn't feel good right now.

 

[Noah]

Day 1 without PMO. I had awful dreams last night. Sexual dreams but without pleasure. Dreams in which I groped and penetrated women from compulsion. There was no orgasm. No release. Just pure aggression.

 

[DavS]

I‘m another one who can relate to your story. I’ve decided to go back to journaling here, and seek professional help.

 

[Noah]

Tough day today. My wife has been very kind to me the last few days. She seems ready to forgive me and start trusting me again, which of course is triggering my urge for PMO. I feel like my brain is sick. When she's furious at me, I can hold out without a problem, but when she starts to trust me again, the first thing I want to do is watch porn and jerk off, which I know causes her pain?! I know this will get easier, but right now I'm pretty depressed about this.

I have thus far resisted the urges by coming to this forum, taking the dogs for walks, and playing music. I'll make it through today.

 

[Noah]

Well, that changed quickly. My wife came in and grilled me out of nowhere about my porn habits, i.e. which sites I used, did I used Reddit, which friends of ours I have jerked off to. She made me go on all my porn sites and delete my accounts. She has been reading about porn addiction - which I take as a good step - but it has triggered a lot of fears in her now. It was an upsetting conversation, for both of us I'm sure.

I guess the next few weeks or months are going to be like this. A few good days followed by a few bad ones. Just gotta stay strong, stay away from PMO, and she'll start to forgive me again.

 

[guitar1968]

Yikes. Yep, that sounds uncomfortable. I haven't had that situation because I haven't shared any of this with my wife. I made it clear years ago that I'm an adult and it's up to me what I watch. So, she knows I'm a porn user, just not to what extent. I also decided to try and solve this myself without involving her. I've been down this road with her about some similar things and some of the porn things and it just wouldn't go well and I know it would make everything way harder.

I'm hoping it actually helps you that she knows. I guess only time will tell. I think if they understand just how easy it is to get addicted maybe it would soften the pain for them, but everyone is different.

Good luck to you.

 

[DavS]

The battle against porn is worth it. Don’t underestimate your enemy.

 

[Noah]

Day 13 without porn. I feel like the urge to avoid porn is going away, but the urge to fantasize in my head - which is actually just as big a problem for me - is still powerful. Keeping thoughts out of your head....that's a tough one! I guess it's all about new habits at this point. Spending quality time with my wife and dogs. Avoiding movies with triggers. Lots and lots and lots of exercises. I have faith that I can do this.

 

[Cmax]

Day 13 without porn. I feel like the urge to avoid porn is going away, but the urge to fantasize in my head - which is actually just as big a problem for me - is still powerful. Keeping thoughts out of your head....that's a tough one! I guess it's all about new habits at this point. Spending quality time with my wife and dogs. Avoiding movies with triggers. Lots and lots and lots of exercises. I have faith that I can do this.

Great job to get to 13......if you are not connected to your wife during sex, then I would make sure I stop the fantasy early in the thought! It was great to reconnect with my wife and not a fantasy or vision! Yes it is crazy difficult, but worth it and I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!

 

[Noah]

Great job to get to 13......if you are not connected to your wife during sex, then I would make sure I stop the fantasy early in the thought! It was great to reconnect with my wife and not a fantasy or vision! Yes it is crazy difficult, but worth it and I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!

Thanks! I know this would be the best thing in my marriage. I worry that, without fantasy, my PIED kicks in. But I am hopeful that this reboot will put an end to that.

 

[DavS]

Thanks for the welcome, and those are good tips. We've got dogs in the house that always need walking, so there's a built-in excuse to get out of the house, get away from the laptop, and distract myself. I will work on it.

And thank you for seeing the love I have for my wife. Right now, all I can think about are the ways I've let her down, but it's probably important to focus on the love, too.

Definitely important to focus on the love. Maybe an affirmation like “My commitment is strong because I love my wife.” That one is good for me.

 

[DavS]

I know what being grilled by your wife feels like…
Try to breathe through it, and remember she’s communicating with you. She needs to do this.
I have a lot of guilt, so I feel I deserve whatever I get.