Say what's on your mind.....

[xjonny88x]

I wasn't sure if joining one of these forums would be beneficial to me or not. I've been having a hard time staying away from it. Sometimes just not thinking about the problem and just stay busy and get things done, get into a rhythm or habit(s) can be helpful for me. Consistently thinking about it or learning about it can be triggering at times. Of course, admitting the problem and pretending it's not there or do nothing about it isn't gonna make things better. With all the current events in the news, I simply just wanna be in a cabin in the middle of a forest far, far away from everything and everyone.

When things are down and depressing, that feeling of nothing matters what's the point.....I need an escape. That escape for me is porn. I don't know if this matters to type this. I know myself and I will keep using over and over again.....I've beaten myself up. Obviously we struggle and make that same ol' mistake again and again. It's overwhelming and when things get tough.....oh I need porn QUICK......STAT!!!! That feeling of defeat always lingers and I feel unworthy of a life that wants a better paying job, that wants awesome supportive friends, that wants a beautiful, amazing girlfriend to spend time and fall in love with, that wants a family. At the same time, I'm terrified of change and putting myself out there. I feel within the depths of my soul I don't deserve ANY of those. Perhaps it's more of do I want those? Because I have to do my part to be there for those friends and girlfriend and family as well. It's not a one-way street.

I feel like I'm at a crossroad in my life......I'm 33 and yet I'm an "adult" age-wise, I don't want the adult responsibilities. I just want to be honest where I am mentally right now. I know what I need to do to improve my life.......I'm just terrified and scared of the unknown and change as I mentioned.

 

[CoolBreeze]

Welcome xjonny

There's a ton of support here. We are all in the same boat. I can relate to your words. I didn't care if I kept using porn till the day I died.
The other side is rough but there is light on the other side. You can have all the things you want. You have to come closer to your true authentic self and destroy the caricature that addiction creates. Take a step a day a minute a second at a time. Keep coming here and share and journal.
I'm writing this right now and it helps me with the battle. We can win.

Peace and Strength Brother

 

[canguro]

Hey man and welcome to the forum! I can totally relate to what you say...
It's so much easier to fall back on P instead of choosing real life with all the responsibilities and stressfull interaction. But it will never fill the void, P is neither a friend nor family, it's just an addiction telling you "you need noone but us".
We can beat this addiction and get the life we want, like being said, one step at a time.
And quitting P is a hell of a big step!

And I am convinced that there are far worse triggers out there than learning about our addiction. On the contrary, learning and understanding gives us the strength and knowledge to overcome.