How to bring up to partner?

[jonazo91]

I've mentioned to my girlfriend, almost a year ago I think, that I've "been trying to quit porn." I only really brought it up because she was having a tough time quitting Juul (she succeeded, because she's fucking awesome) and I wanted to relate with her on some level, that I didn't think less of her for having such a tough time of it. On the contrary, the fact that she was able to quit Juul while I have not been able to quit porn makes me feel like I'm not as strong as her.

In any case, when I brought it up, she was surprised, but very supportive, although we've rarely brought it up since then. There have been a few times where she "caught me" (came up to the bathroom while I was in it and I awkwardly stepped out) and she only lightly teased me about it and left it at that. I appreciate her being so cool about it, but I think it might help my own cause if I told her something like "no, I really need to quit. It's not okay if I do this anymore."

The hard thing is the prospect of coming clean to her every and any time I slip up. I don't think she understands just how dependent I really am on it. I think that would shock her a little. But trying to quit on my own, with nobody IRL that I'm accountable to if I slip up, is proving not to be very successful.

Porn addicts with partners, how have you handled this issue? Do you tell them any time you slip up? Have you found just that fear of having to come clean to them a strong deterrent in itself?

 

[SOPHAN]

Heya,
I am talking out of the perspective of a partner now.
Firstly, amazing that you identified that you have a problem in relation to porn and want to deal with it AND that you want to be honest with your partner about this.
I will tell you none of this is going to be easy for you nor your partner but I think it's impossible to quit porn within a relationship without including her. Because unlike other addictions porn has way more impact on your relationship.
I completely understand your fear bc it is hard as a partner to relate, to understand, and to not take it personally.
But a lot of people are in the same position.
I personally think you already know the answer, I think you should talk to her, be honest and open.
And maybe even tell her about the forums which are out there, so she can educate herself about the topic.
It helped me a lot!
Otherwise, let me know if you have any specific questions. We went through a long reboot, and a long time of ups and downs, but we are making progress. It's freaking hard and draining but it also made us stronger...

 

[WoundedSparrow]

I recently lost a girlfriend because of porn addiction. I told her a few months into our relationship and she was incredibly patient and understanding. But with every relapse, she become more and more hurt and frustrated. Eventually she gave up and I don't blame her. Ironically, the pain of losing her is what led me to truly seek help and attempt recovery.

Two things I've learned: First, nobody, no matter how supportive they are, is going to make you quit. You have to WANT to quit and your success or failure ultimately depends on you. Second, it may sound paradoxical to the first point, but you in all likelihood will never defeat porn on your own. You're ultimately responsible for your actions, but having someone in your corner forcing you to be accountable is key to success. Make it as hard as possible for yourself to relapse, but muster up the willpower and determination to destroy temptation if and when it arises.

Both pieces of the puzzle are needed to get sober. I'd have serious conversation with her about porn addiction, what it is, how it affects you, and why you need to stop. You've likely learned a great deal about what porn does to you from both an internal and scientific perspective throughout your ordeal. Once she understands how dire the situation is, you can go from there. Just be warned that if you can't get it together, she may give up on you and you can't blame her.