Reforging myself. Trying to be a man I admire

H

Hamnad

Member
Day 5

I have passed the last streak.

I’m feeling okay, I will have a busy weekend and I might be exhausted tomorrow, need to make plans to avoid unnecessary cravings.

I also need to stay active in the fourm, watch some videos as well, it’s really an easy way to have 90% of time without cravings, I only have to deal with the rest of 10%.
 
H

Hamnad

Member
Day 6

What a day! Very exausting, but I showed up well, I leveled up in the right time.
i haven’t done any nofap work today, I’m planning to re-watching a module of Mark course, after studying “acute hepatitis” for my medschool.

I was PMO free for 9 of the 10 past days, it’s a good thing, I’m gaining momentum but I don’t want to over trust myself.
 
H

Hamnad

Member
Day 7

Yesterday I had urges, decided to relax, say NO! I’m not doing it again, then flooded myself with good rationalizations about why PMO is bad, and I told myself that this was because the withdrawal symptoms, and because I didn’t plan well for the evening, I will not repeat that, at least for the majority of the time.

I felt better, didn’t feel “super well” but I wasn’t planning to, I wanted to sleep on my bed with no “tension” to grab the phone and open a P site, and that was done successfully.

It’s in these moments we can change and heal, it’s not dramatic “one scene” like the movies, but consistently choosing the right choice, following the right path, maybe with pain and disobedience of feelings, but it’s the only “real” way, it has a lot of “satisfaction” embedded, this satisfaction looks like a “slow release” pill, you can’t necessarily feel all of it in the moment, but the next day, next week, you always feel good and motivatied by this right choice.

Let’s keep going, I want to leave that miserable life behind me, forever.
 
Last edited:
PeteSL

PeteSL

Member
Hamnad said:
It’s in these moments we can change and heal, it’s not dramatic “one scene” like the movies, but consistently choicing the right choice, following the right path, maybe with pain and disobedience of feelings, but it’s the only “real” way, it has a lot of “satisfaction” embedded, this satisfaction looks like a “slow release” pill, you can’t necessarily feel all of it in the moment, but the next day, next week, you always feel good and motivatied by this right choice.
Click to expand...
Congrats on reaching a week man.
Love that point. This addiction is testing us multiple times within the day waiting for us to let our guard down, to strike. And all those key moments of clarity where we make the right choice can add up to the big victory in the end.

Can't stress enough that it is not a "one scene thing" as you say

Well done and keep it strong!
 
H

Hamnad

Member
Day 8

I’m heading to start my second week of nofap. I guess the honeymoon is over, I need to dig deeper this time to be able to achieve longer streak.
think about letting go of an addiction as letting go of a solution instead of a problem
Click to expand...
This is my mantra for this week. I need to identify why I used PMO in the past, and then replace the “whys” with more healthy activities.

Status management was one of the causes, whenever I feel I lost status points in life I rush into PMO to give me the fake status, at least momentarily.

Then there’s Energy Management, I still remember when I get productive, or have a long study day, I ended it with porn as a “reward”

Also boredom, sometimes I just do it because I’m bored.

There might be more “soultions” PMO provides, but I remember those for now, and I want to work on them this week.
 
H

Hamnad

Member
Some cautinary planning

In 2 hours, Djokovic plays against Medvedev, USO final.
Today might be a historic day, Djokovic can break the 20 titles of Nadal and Federer, I’m a Nadal fan, this might be a source of frustration.

Whatever the result was, I need to sleep afterwards, I have a research to do in a hospital tomorrow, historically I have never relapsed when I have to go out the next day, I’m introvert, I’m a bit nervous outside, so this could prevent me from relapsing the day before, but it’s risky after the going out is over, I will be over relaxed and might relapse, it’s kinda weird but I know myself very well.

So, I have 2 challenges, no fraustration-based relapse today, this is easier, because of the big “phew-it’s-over relapse” is more dangerous and waiting for me tomorrow.

2 challenges that are between me and 10 days, I will try my best!
 
H

Hamnad

Member
Day 9
I felt a craving.

There’s a video of Queppet that helped me a lot

I said no, I’m not going to do it today, I need a better life, I don’t want a 30 mins pleasure comparing with 3-4 days of feeling great.

There’s a blackhole, trying to overcome this narrative, it says one time doesn’t hurt, you have been there before and it ended up relapsing, why fighting? You can fight back again after relapse.


This is a dangerous blackhole, no wonder it was an intense craving.
First, relapsing will make things worse, will delay time for healing, IT DOES MATTER to stay clean today, even though it’s just a day.

I try to find the underlying desire, it should be an authentic one, that drives me to do something, but unfortunately my mind doesn’t no any other way than porn.

Maybe my desire was telling me to go out again like I did today, put yourself out of comfort zone, because it likes the feel afterwards.
Maybe I was tired today, but happy and satisfied, my desire is to stay at this level of satisfaction.

So I need something that keeps me satisfied, if I habituated myself to porn, I now, have to teach myself new authentic ways.

I guess it could be a simple solution, to sleep.

Yeah, I’m sleepy, I can gift myself a good night sleep at 10:45 PM, this could satisfy me, and tomorrow I will do excercises, productivity and spirtual activities, that will provide me with satisfaction.

I know, porn might be more alluring than just simply sleep, but I can SACRIFICE this extra pleasure, because I know that my choice will be the right one tomorrow.

Good night!
 
H

Hamnad

Member
Day 10 >>>> Day 0
Relapsed, but no porn was involved, only MO but there was a fantasy, That’s P undercovered.

I learned good things the past 10 days, Relaxing, How No can be powerful, how to “purify and sacrifice”

I have made good process on engery work, but I believe the relapse was due to not having enough fullfillig activities

if this urge was hitting in a day full of achievements, I think I would have passed it.

Anyway, I will be resetting the streak, watching out for any chaser effect the next coming days.

I don’t feel very disappointed, maybe because P wasn’t involved, but that’s very dangerous, today was a set back, it was a milestone that if I crossed, my life was one step closer to my ideal, but here we go, starting from zero, hoping not to try the same mistakes again.
 
H

Hamnad

Member
Tomorrow is 15 September

I relapsed on day 4 with porn, and day 14 without porn.

I had 12 days clean, that’s 288 totally clean.

if I managed to make every half month like this, it would be very good progress, but I need more, I need all the 336 hours clean for the next half! and I will make it work, I promise.
 
H

Hamnad

Member
Day 4

alot have been going on.

but I’m reaching day 4 now without even trying.
I just didn’t have cravings, I felt sad after the last relapse.

so I wanted to journal to make use of this streak and try to improve.
My brain is trying to get me back to porn by being “easy going” with imaginations, especially one with a girl I used to talk with and have some sessions with.

I ended that relationship with the girl, We both blocked each other, it was for the good, It was not acceptable for me to be like that, also religious aspects played a rule.

now my brain is trying to imagine her again.

why? I guess because it’s the way to get back to relapse, my brain ( or maybe satan) knows exactly how to get me back to relapse, some days of imagination ends with just masterbating, then i will say fuck it and watch porn.

I can’t blame it, I did that many times in the past, I teached my brain that this was the soultion when I stop you from watching porn.

can I stop this circle from happening again? Yes I can.

How?
Not being easy going with these imaginations, and also providing more reasons for my brain to be with me, not chasing empty pleasures.

more to come, more to jounrnal.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top