A better life - my Journal

[Therewolf]

It's all good guys; both of you had very valid points.

The SAA thing may work for me; then again it may not.  I'm going to give it a try; who knows?  I'm just trying to use any and all tools at my disposal so I can fight this battle on multiple fronts.

You're a lucky man Vispren; I dread having to, one day, explain this to a woman that I fall in love with and risk losing her.  Don't get me wrong.  I know that not revealing the addiction is not an option and I would never want a relationship where I had to keep secrets anyway.  It just worries me.  In any case, I guess that I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it.

10 - double digits baby!

My flatline has now become flatter.  No sex drive, no activity downstairs, not even any desire to fap; nothing.  Been addicted 33 years, so I don't even know if this kind of damage can be undone and if it can't, what I'm going to do with the rest of my pathetic life; fuck porn.

Otherwise, a relaxing day overall. 

Woke up, ate some breakfast and did some reading.  Took a little nap in the early afternoon and then went to my city's waterfront.

Basically, just did a lot of walking around the city.  Visited some local artists' galleries.  Ate a little ice cream and just tried to enjoy the good weather.  Got home, ate some dinner and heading back outside; don't want to stick around the apartment by myself all evening.

 

[Therewolf]

11

Woke up with some wood which was a bit of a relief since nothing has been happening down there for days.  Flatlining otherwise.

A little breakfast, a cold shower and went to run some errands. 

Finally got myself to go hit the gym in the afternoon.  Nothing crazy.  Just some cardio for warmup and did upper body on the weights; low weight/high reps, as a little wake up.  Will definitely be feeling this tomorrow.

 

[Therewolf]

12


Woke up okay this morning, but was hit by a wave of depression and anxiety within a half hour.  Just the old brain begging for a dopamine fix.  No cold shower this morning because I was already kind of shivering.  Reading the goal card helped a lot.

Went to my first SAA meeting tonight.  It was...interesting.  Lot's of folks in a lot of pain and very difficult home situations.  I didn't share anything; just kind of listened to everyone else.

Not sure if SAA is right for me, but I'll give it a few meetings in different locations and see what I see.

 

[Mikel]

Hola.

You're doing great by the way. 

Like you said, go to a few meetings and see if it's for you. Some people go and others don't. I've been to two or three and haven't been for ages and definitely not in this run in my recovery. Just don't really feel I need them. Nothing wrong with the meetings I thought they were great, however, I know they are there if I need them if that makes sense.

 

[dhira]

Hi therewolf.

It took me a little while until I found a sober recovered 'happy' person in saa. Some groups unfortunately don't have much recovery in them and it can be a little deflating. But then some do, it just depends.

I used to ask as many people as I came in contact with if they had the phone number of someone who Is known in the saa fellowship for having a good strong recovery. 12 steppers live on the phone and love to help new people. I found my sponsor in that way, he was 4 years clean and had taken many people through the steps and thats when the light hit me!

Just thought this might save you too much leg work.

 

[Therewolf]

Thanks for the input guys.  Just going to play the SAA thing by ear and see where it leads me.

13

Lucky number thirteen.

Actually felt a little bit of sex drive during the day, but no reaction down below.  Feels kind of disconnected.  Whatever, just keep reminding myself that it's early in the process.

 

[Mikel]

That feeling's weird! I had that last Friday. Feeling aroused but nothing going on down below. Confused me actually, so went and did something to take my mind off it.

Almost at a fortnight 

 

[Therewolf]

Hey Mikel, yeah, definitely a weird feeling.  Getting close man; keep it up!

14

Just got back from walking a few miles and feeling pretty good.  Not staying at home has really been helping with the reboot so far.  Halfway through my walk, I stopped by at a friend's house that lives nearby.  We actually spent several hours chatting about various things and then I got back on the road. 

I've come to realize that I really did miss out on connecting with people and how enjoyable that can be.  I've wasted so much of my life on PMO that it's still hard to wrap my head around it.  I have put PMO before everything else; work, love, friendship...hell, even just living in the outside world.

Never. Again.  (screw famous last words)

I really hope more and more people (especially teens) get educated and realize just how damaging this stuff can be.

 

[dhira]

14 days, even better! 8)

 

[chiefmitch88]

Congrats on 2 weeks clean Therewolf. Keep up the good work. It seems like you have an ability to separate yourself from your anxiety and depression a little better than me. You don't allow yourself to dwell in that dark place for long. I allowed it to consume me which lead to relapses.  It also sounds like seeing the pain of others at your SAA meetings probably helps to remind you that you are not alone. I wish I had such an outlet in my neck of the woods.

I'll have to take a look at that book you recommended when I finish the 3 books I just ordered from amazon last week. My counselor said I needed to get a "PhD in addiction" if I am going to beat this thing so I've been gobbling up any knowledge I can find on the subject.

Here's to freedom.

 

[Therewolf]

I f*cked up.    Got too cocky about my ability to resist porn.

Saw a few images today and they just stayed with me; just couldn't shake it.

I PMO'd and I'm back to square one.  I have to be more careful to stay away from this stuff.

 

[struggling]

Therewolf

I know the feeling, I have been having this sensation below my belt line all day and thought a couple of times that I would go full erect even at work.  I have only been a couple of days myself but this is tougher that I thought.  Posting my daily and viewing some forums then getting off before I mess up myself. 

Trying to stay positive myself and beat this.

Later

 

[Therewolf]

Yeah Struggling,

Looks like I have to re-evaluate just how challenging this is going to be. 

I actually MO'd last night because I felt like I needed to clean the pipes out, but that probably made me more susceptible to the porn I saw today.

As Vispren puts it, gotta go hard mode.  No more MO during reboot no matter what I'm feeling down south.

 

[dhira]

Hey Therewolf

I really dont think your back at square one, you have put in loads of effort lately into understanding yourself and this addiction, its not gone in vain. Your getting smarter and more aware everyday whatever happens.

I have slipped so many times, but always got up again. What else can we do. Im sending you good vibes bro!!!

 

[struggling]

Therewolf

Thanks I am struggling this evening myself and know what you mean about cleaning the pipes.  I have tried several times in the past to stop and pressure keeps building up and I feel like I need to blow I am trying hard this time to stop

Later

 

[Therewolf]

Thank you dhira, need all the good vibes I can get. 

Struggling, yeah I think we just have to have some faith in the body's ability to take care of itself; that the pipes really don't need to be cleaned manually.  I got as far as I did last time by avoiding staying at home as much as possible.  That way, even if I was horny, I wouldn't have a chance to do anything about it.

Gotta keep trying till we get this right.

 

[vispren]

Hey, man. Just dust yourself off and get right back in.

I've seen many people simply vanish, after a relapse. My accountability partner included. Don't be one of those guys.

William says there are no perfect reboots, just good ones.

 

[Therewolf]

Thank you Vispren,

Not going to disappear...I really have nowhere to go.  If I can't beat this thing, I'm just going to be waiting around to die; alone.

Gave in again this morning and totally feeling like a junkie, which is appropriate.  As William has written before, we're hitting computer keys for our personal dopamine fix.  We may as well be sticking a needle in our arm.

Gotta rally and start again.  FML.

 

[Therewolf]

Just installed K9 adult content blocker on all my devices and let a friend set the admin password.

Can't trust myself to resist at this point.  Will re-evaluate at 3 months and again at 6 months.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Wolf,

As you can see from my counter, I've been through the same roller coaster you're riding at the moment. Since this forum is the realm of unsolicited advice, here's some more for you . Do with it as you please, every case is different.

My slip-ups were directly connected to my need to soothe my anxiety using sexual release. When I began my first reboot I did it for my libido not for my relationship. That will inevitably lead to failure. Instead, do this reboot so that you can be a person with a healthy sexuality. So that one day, when you find Ms. Right, you can be a person who is emotionally stable and doesn't require that external validation to know you're a man. We addicts can't use porn or sex for the sake of soothing our anxiety because then we rely on that source of pacification to get through the day. Also, when our pacification is tied to our screen or to our partner, both will fail us. We will just go out seeking more. This is about learning to stand without a crutch.