Hello Therewolf
If you do as you said on your last post, you should be back here today or tomorrow. Hope you do, First of all because if you do, you have seven days under your belt- congrats!. Second, after reading your thread, its clear that no one on here believes this is about perfection, but progress- thats a variation of a 12 step slogan btw
, so hope you come back whether you have those days or not.
But on a selfish note, i hope you come back because there were so many ways in which your story and mine are the same. We are about the same age (i turned 40 in august). Father was not abusive, but definitely distant and neglectful. I got into porn through him too. One night o got up at night (maybe i was 10), and found him PMO in the living room. He didn't notice me first, but i got up a couple other times and after a few i just walked in on him. He didn't turn it off- he stopped M though. He never tried to do anything to/with me, but he must've found it a rite of passage that his little one was checking out porn. On my following birthday he wrote on my birthday card that he was proud of my maturity. (Quite a definition of maturity I got at that age). I found his stash and before long i was taking turns with him, waiting for him to go to bed so i can go and feast. I would borrow one or two movies and bring them to sleepovers with my cousin (no acting out either).
This is the most honest and eloquent i think i have been regrading that piece. I think i will copy and post on my own journal...
I also had my run with SAA for a couple years. It wasn't my unmanageability with porn that brought me there at the time (thought it should've earlier on if i saw it as that bad of a problem); i had actually escalated from porn to acting out, engaging in casual sex in a way that was eating up my time and life energy (Such a contradiction because it was exactly when i was committed to yoga and my physical and spiritual well being). For me, it made a huge positive change, but my group was not big enough to have long term sobriety and diversity that would allow me to connect with someone to go through the steps. I went for about 2 years.
College, social anxiety, trying to be honest with another too early (thank you dhira for describing so eloquently and compassionately the self serving nature of such action), the benefits of being single. I felt very connected to your experiences.
I am coming up at my first goal, which is 14 days. This is one thing that i love about this blog. I get to set my own goal. In a 12 step program you celebrate 24 hours, then 30 days. I need to build my confidence, and for me that means setting and making small manageable goals. Its the way it has worked when i quit cigarettes, started exercising, gave up fast food, other kinds of unhealthy food, milk, and most recently coffee. (No i didn't do all these overnight- more over the past 7-8 years). At 14, i will set a new goal.
And by the way, i don't want to sound cocky when i say 'when i reach 14'. I know confidence is one of my biggest red flags. This is when i need to get uber vigilant. It is easy to see and feel the pain of PMO, and act on it when you are in the agony of it. A good day hazes my perception, makes me feel entitled. This has been one of my biggest reminders in the last few days.
Hope you make it back, and to hear from you.
Rob
