Rolling The Dice....

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Raymond84

Member
Day 1:

This is my second attempt at journaling here and I've lost count of the numerous times I have tried to quit porn. I am not a religious guy but I am praying that this is successful attempt at staying sober that will set me free. I am 37 years old, British but living in Germany and I am struggling not really with porn per say but with online chat rooms and roleplay. As these addictions seem to be supplemented by porn at time this seems the right place for me to document my struggle, my journey and my ambition to be free of these issues. My main ambition: to never use these sites again or to engage in the unhealthy behaviours that I know are damaging me mentally and physically and stopping me from fulfilling my potential and living a happy life.

I guess I am also rebooting, I want to give my body and mind a rest from the extended sessions of edging, masturbation and online escapism I have been engaged with for so long. I know this has affected me and distorted my view of people and the world around me. I wanted to change that. I am reluctant to go into so much detail right now, as I have been here before. But I will be posting every day without fail, in an attempt to keep myself accountable to reflect on my struggles and to figure out how I got here. I think things will become clearer as time goes on and I will detail actual events that are significant in gettting me here. All I can say right now is that this is a start. I am 1 day sober, I haven't masturbated, been online or looked at porn or images and really I have had no desire to. I have been busy today though with work and right now I am too exhausted to do anything so this might be the overall reason. However. I am pushing myself to write this post despite my fatigue as I want it to symbolize something important: my determination to overcome this challenge once and for all.

I am grateful today that I have made a start. I am seeking information, advice and strategies to do things differently than I have before. New approaches will help but I know first and foremost, I need to break the pattern of isolation I have created for myself and seek out healthy ways to be around people. I know my urges and desire to engage online, to take on different personas and act out different scenarios are multi-faceted in nature. On the one hand, I am looking to escape. Day to day life can be tough for me, I am shy, low in confidence and self-esteem and suffer with anxiety and depression. The chatrooms I visit offer a false sense of comfort and they also waste so much of my time. Time I could be using for so many more positive things. Secondly, I know my engagement in these activities represents a thirst and hunger I have for real connection. Sadly I am searching for this online and in all the wrong places when I should be making real connections with the world around me. Just knowing my reasonings for this behaviour is helpful and gives hope to overcome. I do have a fear though that when things get tough or I have a bad day, I will revert back to this behaviour and relapse, which could lead to binging. I am scared I will not be able to catch myself in the moments that this happens. This I have to be mindful of and pay attention to. For now though, I am positive and I have made it through the first day, I am thankful and grateful for that! I desperately want there to be more days like this as I work hard towards healing .

x
 
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Raymond84

Member
Day 2:

I woke up this morning with urges but... another success. I thought about the hard work I've put in already just to get into the mindset to want to make such a significant change and the moment passed!

I'm thankful for not giving in, in the moment. I've also created a habit where I put my laptop away in a cupboard out of my bedroom. Because I know that first thing in the morning is one of the times I am at my weakest. Still too tired to muster the courage to say no consistently. This is a habit I will continue with. Locking my laptop away last thing at night after journaling. I hope that will keep me on the right path.

I also have asked one of my friends (S) if she will be my accountability partner and she has agreed which I am also thankful for, it feels good to know someone is there for me. But she also thinks I should find someone else too, just in case she isn't available for me, in my moment of need. I look forward to tomorrow now with a brightness and a clear mind.

x
 
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Raymond84

Member
Day 3:

Another day sober and not engaging with my unhealthy behaviours. I have taken on extra jobs recently just to keep myself busy and out of the house and away from my computer. It will be like this the next two days too, which I am positive about. The weekend though is what scares me because this when I usually falter.

Tomorrow I am going to head back to the gym for the first time in a while. I hear working out is a good natural stresser and also I am sure the positivity I get from working out is going to help. I will more optimistic about this attempt to give up then before. Mainly because I feel more empowered and knowledgeable.

I have to keep on going.
 
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Raymond84

Member
Relapse:

Yesterday I relapsed and the binge continued into today. I have just managed to get myself together but I feel disappointed with myself, frustrated and low. I'm not that emotional but I feel like bursting into tears at the moment!

The worst thing is, in the moment yesterday I knew I would feel like this but I went and did it anyway. I feel like I have no respect for myself, no self-love or strength to turn around my life for the better. I don't even know what made me do it. I was doing so well and I was so conscious and vigilant about taking my sobriety seriously. I think the loneliness I am feeling with this struggle, the isolation and the fear of the unknown of what lies ahead was overwhelming and too much to deal with.

But I am going to try again. I have to realize that it might take many more attempts but the important thing to recognize is that I really do want to quit this and I won't give up trying that. I will happen, its just a question of when. Time will tell and for now, I'll roll the dice again....
 
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Raymond84

Member
Day 1:

I started again today... Im proud of myself. Though I relapsed usually I would binge and it would take me weeks or even months to find the energy and confidence to quit again but I've summoned it within a day and I'm serious about quitting for good.

I worked on a strategy today that I will share when it is complete but giving myself a plan seems to help and working on things to distract myself also is a benefit.

I am thinking a lot about my ex-girlfriend and these feelings of regret and loneliness are causing me to want to relapse again but I am going to fight the temptation today and stay strong. I expect the next days to be a real challenge, I wish I had someone to turn to with this for support.
 
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Raymond84

Member
Day 2:

Today started bad with a low mood but I was with a friend all day making music.

I think being around people and pursuing my creative endeavours is key to success in recovery. I have to remember this!
 
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ben_HE

Member
Hello Raymond 84, go ahead you can do, something that helped me was to identify my triggers and I discovered that when I remembered my past and the opportunities that I lost it frustrated me and that mixture of frustration led me to see P and masturbate, and it became a circle , I am identifying other triggers that I am also working on, maybe my experience can help you, go ahead, we can be partners of responsibility if you wish.
 
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Raymond84

Member
Day 3:

Today has been hard, working from home I have been pretty isolated. I have also engaged in some behaviour that is a potential trigger to be using online chat, roleplay and P but thankfully i haven't done it. I've stayed strong knowing i'll regret it.

I can't white knuckle it like this all the time though especially so early in the recovery attempt so I have to work out what triggers me and stay away from those things. I am looking forward to a stronger day tomorrow.
 
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Raymond84

Member
Day 4:

I've been busy today and pretty focused. So things have definitely been an improvement on yesterday. I hope to continue like this tomorrow.

Over the last week, I've been working on a strategy to stay sober. I'm sharing this now in the hope of keeping myself accountable but also in the hope that someone else might find it useful and gain some strength from it. I have finished a couple of books recently on addiction and this issue has made me think a lot and has given me a confidence I dont think I have had before when approaching recovery. That said, I know its early days for me so I need to be mindful that I dont get over confident and must keep things in perspective.

If you're reading this post, I hope you find this useful
 

Attachments

  • My Sobriety Plan (Online Chatroom, Roleplay and Porn Addiction).pdf
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Raymond84

Member
Day 5:

It's good to be busy and out of the house. That is definitely helping. The more I am busy and out the better chance I have I think.

Im eating a lot though and I am worried I am replacing one addiction/bad behaviour with another (I also have some issues with stress and comfort eating). I have to keep mindful of this and get back into working out this weekend.
 
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Raymond84

Member
Day 6:

I thought today was only day 5! But I've tried so many times to quit and Day 4 is always a struggle. Today I was busy again, it kept me distracted. I had some urges tonight and I could have easily caved but thankfully I didn't.

I have found this so helpful today, especially around the ideas of shame and feelings of frustration when relapsing: https://considerbeforeconsumingpodcast.com/drew-boa/
 
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Raymond84

Member
Day 0:

Yesterday I relapsed. I'm upset with myself because I had gone a week but I am also positive to start again and avoid the mistakes I'm making. I don't think I would say I was even struggling with urges, I was just bored and Isolated so I need to figure this out. I'm spending too much time alone I know that. I'm also trying to deal with this struggle alone, I can't do that either. I am thinking I need to find a group or an accountability partner who knows what I am going through. I am really focused on healing but like everyone its those moments you aren't expecting it that catch you.

I could be really down about things but the positive is I have only masturbated twice in the last two weeks and that is a huge positive. The problems I'm facing: being alone, being overweight and ashamed of myself and socially awkward. These are the things to focus on improving so I can go again!
 
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AG2161

Member
Try to gather some knowledge about this initially I'd say ....maybe YBOP by Wilson. Unless you understand the magnitude of the damage you're doing to yourself, you won't be able to gather the willpower/determination to quit.
Knowledge is power. Wish you good luck.
 
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Raymond84

Member
AG2161 said:
Try to gather some knowledge about this initially I'd say ....maybe YBOP by Wilson. Unless you understand the magnitude of the damage you're doing to yourself, you won't be able to gather the willpower/determination to quit.
Knowledge is power. Wish you good luck.
Click to expand...
Thanks! Yeah I have just finished this book and I am definitely informing myself more, which reinforces my recent attempts to quit. I am realistic though and I know this might take some time. Despite the relapses, I am being kind and gentle with myself and the difference now compared to previous attempts is that I am not binging. I am getting straight back up and starting again. That is a big change and so I am hopeful for impactful and lasting change!
 
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