Notthatmananymore17
Member
Hi everyone!
I started this journey this year after a very bad break up. It is really worrying how porn affects our lives. I started watching porn at 9 or at least that is what i remember. A cousing showed me a site and everything started. It didn't scallated quickly, because i lived in a place where ethernet had filters and we only had one computer that was in the living room.
It really started when i was 13 i remember that one night i was watching rage memes and looked the FAP FAP meme. I asked myself: how does it feels doing it? And so i looked for some porn and went for it. I remember the feeling of the rush in my head after that. I was completely scared i didn't understand the things that were going on so i started hyperventilating. When i calmed down i prayed, i felt really guilty about doing it and i said that i wouldn't do it again. After 3 days i was again on it.
From 13 to 20 my life was a complete routine, i remember that after school i watched tv while having lunch and after that go to the bathroom to masturbate. Somedays when i felt really bad i would do it 4 times just to feel better. During highschool most of the times i stayed at home, because my parents wanted me to stay and read something or they would enroll me in english classes. They thought that the streets were too dangerous for me and my sister. I didn't claim to much to it, because they were really strict and i didn't want to bother them. I wanted their aproval. During this time i had a girlfriend that i really liked so much. On the first stages of our relationship i was in the friendzone and i rememeber the effort that i put to get out of there and now i think about that and i say to myself: Bro you were really a SIMP.
The relationship was good for about 7 months, then i started feeling jealous of some friends she had, specially one who was always talking to her and making her laugh. I think that that jealousy was produced by the insecurity that was produced by porn, because i started comparing myself with him and i said to myself that i was less attractive and that she would preffer him. So i ended that relationship with a lie as an argument: "I have to focus on my studies and now that i'm about to get in college i need more focus". We didn't have sex, because she is really devoted and she wants to wait until marriage. I haven't told her what i was doing, actually i haven't said it to anybody i think it's really embarrassing and i'm affraid of being judged.
When i started college my life went to a routine: wake up, go to college, return to home, do PMO, get distracted with some videogames or movies. Only when i had tests or a very important job i would put myself to it, but on a very mediocre way. I completely lost the motivation, i was living by inertia and as a result i ended up failing some tests and retaking them. I remember this and i feel embarrassed of myself by losing so much time watching porn instead of building myself as a professional.
2020 is a very special year for me, because it revealed the damage that i was doing to myself by doing PMO. Last year i met a girl who i had a very incredible chemistry and we were about to have a relationship, but everything was ruined by the effects of PMO. We had sex, but for me it wasn't that good because i was too worried to finish fast or asking myself if i was really pleasing her. I didn't finish, but i had a really long erection so i can say that ED hasn't kicked in yet. She was kind upset, because i was the first guy that didn't finished with her and that killed me. One night i couldn't sleep. I was very overwhelmed because i had my final tests and i wast going pretty good on one assignment so i did PMO as usually to sleep, but didn't work. All i got was an anxiety attack that really punched me down for 2 days and again i ended up the relationship with the excuse of study and so. I don't want to enter in more details, because this will extend a lot, but the thing is that after all this time i've got to the conclussion that porn can make your life a complete mess.
During this year i have relapsed 70 times. My longest streak is 38 days. I'm grateful that i realized the problem at this age.
Sorry if everything here doesn't make much sense. I haven't written this long in english since i was 14 and i'm having some troubles trying to acomodate this. My thoughts are very messy now. Just want to say that every story i have read here encourages me to go further with this. Stay strong people!
I started this journey this year after a very bad break up. It is really worrying how porn affects our lives. I started watching porn at 9 or at least that is what i remember. A cousing showed me a site and everything started. It didn't scallated quickly, because i lived in a place where ethernet had filters and we only had one computer that was in the living room.
It really started when i was 13 i remember that one night i was watching rage memes and looked the FAP FAP meme. I asked myself: how does it feels doing it? And so i looked for some porn and went for it. I remember the feeling of the rush in my head after that. I was completely scared i didn't understand the things that were going on so i started hyperventilating. When i calmed down i prayed, i felt really guilty about doing it and i said that i wouldn't do it again. After 3 days i was again on it.
From 13 to 20 my life was a complete routine, i remember that after school i watched tv while having lunch and after that go to the bathroom to masturbate. Somedays when i felt really bad i would do it 4 times just to feel better. During highschool most of the times i stayed at home, because my parents wanted me to stay and read something or they would enroll me in english classes. They thought that the streets were too dangerous for me and my sister. I didn't claim to much to it, because they were really strict and i didn't want to bother them. I wanted their aproval. During this time i had a girlfriend that i really liked so much. On the first stages of our relationship i was in the friendzone and i rememeber the effort that i put to get out of there and now i think about that and i say to myself: Bro you were really a SIMP.
The relationship was good for about 7 months, then i started feeling jealous of some friends she had, specially one who was always talking to her and making her laugh. I think that that jealousy was produced by the insecurity that was produced by porn, because i started comparing myself with him and i said to myself that i was less attractive and that she would preffer him. So i ended that relationship with a lie as an argument: "I have to focus on my studies and now that i'm about to get in college i need more focus". We didn't have sex, because she is really devoted and she wants to wait until marriage. I haven't told her what i was doing, actually i haven't said it to anybody i think it's really embarrassing and i'm affraid of being judged.
When i started college my life went to a routine: wake up, go to college, return to home, do PMO, get distracted with some videogames or movies. Only when i had tests or a very important job i would put myself to it, but on a very mediocre way. I completely lost the motivation, i was living by inertia and as a result i ended up failing some tests and retaking them. I remember this and i feel embarrassed of myself by losing so much time watching porn instead of building myself as a professional.
2020 is a very special year for me, because it revealed the damage that i was doing to myself by doing PMO. Last year i met a girl who i had a very incredible chemistry and we were about to have a relationship, but everything was ruined by the effects of PMO. We had sex, but for me it wasn't that good because i was too worried to finish fast or asking myself if i was really pleasing her. I didn't finish, but i had a really long erection so i can say that ED hasn't kicked in yet. She was kind upset, because i was the first guy that didn't finished with her and that killed me. One night i couldn't sleep. I was very overwhelmed because i had my final tests and i wast going pretty good on one assignment so i did PMO as usually to sleep, but didn't work. All i got was an anxiety attack that really punched me down for 2 days and again i ended up the relationship with the excuse of study and so. I don't want to enter in more details, because this will extend a lot, but the thing is that after all this time i've got to the conclussion that porn can make your life a complete mess.
During this year i have relapsed 70 times. My longest streak is 38 days. I'm grateful that i realized the problem at this age.
Sorry if everything here doesn't make much sense. I haven't written this long in english since i was 14 and i'm having some troubles trying to acomodate this. My thoughts are very messy now. Just want to say that every story i have read here encourages me to go further with this. Stay strong people!
