My long time coming reboot

[SteP]

Hi,

my story is fairly typical. I came across porn when I was 12, and by age 14 I was already hooked. I was a loner in high school and I was bullied routinely, until I stood up for myself and began working out. I was a virgin until 20, when I lost my virginity to a prostitute, thinking that I'd be relieved, only to feel empty inside. Ironically, I then found my first girlfriend a few months later. It was in my early 20's (21? 22? It all feels so long ago...) when I realized that spending up to 4 hours every day on porn websites was not normal, so I tried to quit. And failed miserably. My longest streak in about 6 years was 50 days, and that was a long time ago. Nowadays a 7-day streak feels like an accomplishment.
I work from home nearly all the time, because I am part of a remote team. Because of that, there is no social aspect to my job (Teams calls where no one switches on their cameras cannot be called "social") and I end up rubbing one out every 2-3 days out of stress, frustration or boredom. Even when I don't, I just spend 30-60 minutes a day edging.
Porn does nothing for me anymore, but I feel like I can't help but watch it. I will graduate in 3 weeks and I want to build a proper streak to get there. That's my short term goal, then I will reassess.

 

[96LostWanderer]

If you’re using your work computer to relapse, and you have to be on there regularly for the purposes of your job, I’d recommend installing a blocker of some sort. If you have a MacBook there’s the SelfControl app which is free. I’ve found it useful personally.

Aside from that, I agree with Rchie. Find other hobbies to invest your time in. And don’t think too far ahead. Just tackle this addiction one day at a time. Every day you don’t view porn is a day you’ve won.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Hi,

my story is fairly typical. I came across porn when I was 12, and by age 14 I was already hooked. I was a loner in high school and I was bullied routinely, until I stood up for myself and began working out. I was a virgin until 20, when I lost my virginity to a prostitute, thinking that I'd be relieved, only to feel empty inside. Ironically, I then found my first girlfriend a few months later. It was in my early 20's (21? 22? It all feels so long ago...) when I realized that spending up to 4 hours every day on porn websites was not normal, so I tried to quit. And failed miserably. My longest streak in about 6 years was 50 days, and that was a long time ago. Nowadays a 7-day streak feels like an accomplishment.
I work from home nearly all the time, because I am part of a remote team. Because of that, there is no social aspect to my job (Teams calls where no one switches on their cameras cannot be called "social") and I end up rubbing one out every 2-3 days out of stress, frustration or boredom. Even when I don't, I just spend 30-60 minutes a day edging.
Porn does nothing for me anymore, but I feel like I can't help but watch it. I will graduate in 3 weeks and I want to build a proper streak to get there. That's my short term goal, then I will reassess.

I wanted to reply to your post because our stories present similarities in terms of loneliness, boredom, small social activity, rarely getting longer streaks etc. As Rchie99 and 96LostWanderer have said already, we need to find activities to enjoy. I know that porn has robbed my ability to enjoy anything except porn but I feel like I need to push through and start doing those activities, fake it till you make it or some stuff because an empty existence is a great soil for porn addiction. Just like you, I end up relapsing because that's the only "joy" in my life. It's pathetic really. And there are things I want to do but I've always said: "I don't feel excited to do them, I feel no motivation, I will start them but wait a little bit until I get a longer streak and my dopamine gets more sensitive" but the problem was that I never really got that longer streak... I did, a few times, and my excitement to do things really came but it's too little to continue the same strategy. When I rarely get longer streaks, this is not working. I think I'm making a mistake to base everything on porn abstinence only.

 

[SteP]

Your isolation situation is definitely making things more difficult. I'd advise looking into activities that'll get you out of the house more often, as well as looking for more constructive forms of stress/boredom relief for your time indoors. You mentioned not getting much out of your prostitute encounter and watching porn, but I'd assume that you had more positive experiences with your girlfriend. I'd like to hear more about that aspect of your story, if you don't mind. It might make understanding you and giving you advice easier. Here's some more advice that I can give you now: Those streaks that ended were not total failures. All of the experience that you've gained from fighting this addiction can be used to your advantage once you look back at it from a more forgiving and introspective angle. As for the present, keep fighting!

Hi, thank you for replying.
Yes, I agree that isolation is making things harder. When I finish work I usually go to the gym or out for a walk. What I don't have is a de-stress strategy for when I'm at home. Sometimes I'm not even stressed, but I feel restless and unable to focus. As for my girlfriend, I have a good relationship with her (I broke up years ago with the one I mentioned in my first post). She's very supportive and cares deeply about me. We have sex frequently enough, but I enjoy it less and less. I'm assuming that this is a likely side effect of porn. She doesn't know about my porn addiction and this is not something I want to share with her, or anyone I know irl. I have to do this on my own, or with the help of people who are on the same boat as me.

 

[SteP]

If you’re using your work computer to relapse, and you have to be on there regularly for the purposes of your job, I’d recommend installing a blocker of some sort. If you have a MacBook there’s the SelfControl app which is free. I’ve found it useful personally.

Aside from that, I agree with Rchie. Find other hobbies to invest your time in. And don’t think too far ahead. Just tackle this addiction one day at a time. Every day you don’t view porn is a day you’ve won.

Hi, thanks for the tips.
I have toggled on the porn blocker on my router and my mobile ISP blocks adult content by default; however, Google Images, Reddit and Twitter (all sites that I regularly use for SFW reasons) are all unblocked. Ultimately, I don't want to rely heavily on blockers; I tried in the past and worked around them in less than 10 minutes. I still keep them on to prevent accidental exposure, but the responsibility of staying clean lies entirely with me.

 

[SteP]

I wanted to reply to your post because our stories present similarities in terms of loneliness, boredom, small social activity, rarely getting longer streaks etc. As Rchie99 and 96LostWanderer have said already, we need to find activities to enjoy. I know that porn has robbed my ability to enjoy anything except porn but I feel like I need to push through and start doing those activities, fake it till you make it or some stuff because an empty existence is a great soil for porn addiction. Just like you, I end up relapsing because that's the only "joy" in my life. It's pathetic really. And there are things I want to do but I've always said: "I don't feel excited to do them, I feel no motivation, I will start them but wait a little bit until I get a longer streak and my dopamine gets more sensitive" but the problem was that I never really got that longer streak... I did, a few times, and my excitement to do things really came but it's too little to continue the same strategy. When I rarely get longer streaks, this is not working. I think I'm making a mistake to base everything on porn abstinence only.

That's the rut I'm stuck in. I'm trying to find things that will take my mind off porn, but nothing compares to it at this stage. A few months ago I started to play bass guitar and I've begun coding; I like them both in principle but the very fact that they require commitment is a stressor that adds to the chances of me relapsing. The only things that take the edge off seem to be physical activity and, to some degree, meditation

 

[SteP]

I had a similar problem with restlessness and lack of focus, investing more time and energy into the activity of playing my musical instruments has helped in those regards.

Less enjoyment from sex is definitely due at least partially to porn use. I can't speak from experience, but I think that you should eventually tell your girlfriend about your addiction. Otherwise she may get the wrong idea about things, for example if you fail to get fully aroused during sex she could easily view it as her fault

Wise words. The good thing is, I haven't had issues with erections, even when I'm not very aroused; still, I recognised that the novelty factor is wearing off. I'm hoping for a "second honeymoon" phase as I reboot

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

That's the rut I'm stuck in. I'm trying to find things that will take my mind off porn, but nothing compares to it at this stage. A few months ago I started to play bass guitar and I've begun coding; I like them both in principle but the very fact that they require commitment is a stressor that adds to the chances of me relapsing. The only things that take the edge off seem to be physical activity and, to some degree, meditation

Yes, this is true, porn takes away our motivation, excitement and ability to enjoy anything else in our lives except porn. Porn becomes the only "joy". But I will start doing things and pushing through the lack of excitement anyway because I will never get the excitement if I keep relapsing. And then when the hell will I start doing them anyway? If I put together all the things that I want to do, I wouldn't even have time for porn. But I've been postponing everything for more than 10 years and the explanation was: "I don't feel anything, I need a longer streak away from porn to start feel excited about them". And the vicious circle continued.

 

[Fappy]

a hobby that requires commitment and focus might be beneficial to your reboot. you need to devote a lot of time and energy to it, thats time and energy spent NOT thinking about porn! try not to think of them as stressors, but as worthwhile distractions from doing the thing that is ruining your life.
i did something similar, too. completely threw myself into the hobby, became obsessed with it. there was no space for any urge to PMO to enter into my mind. and it was way better than sitting in front of a screen in my room, or sometimes toilet, and feverishly fapping myself to some pixels arranged on a screen!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

a hobby that requires commitment and focus might be beneficial to your reboot. you need to devote a lot of time and energy to it, thats time and energy spent NOT thinking about porn! try not to think of them as stressors, but as worthwhile distractions from doing the thing that is ruining your life.
i did something similar, too. completely threw myself into the hobby, became obsessed with it. there was no space for any urge to PMO to enter into my mind. and it was way better than sitting in front of a screen in my room, or sometimes toilet, and feverishly fapping myself to some pixels arranged on a screen!

Yes, definitely. I've said this already, if I put together all the things that I want to do, I wouldn't even have time to think about porn. But porn knows how to rob the excitement and motivation and when thinking about doing something makes you feel nothing, I understand how easy it is not to do it. But I guess I have to push through and do those things no matter what because otherwise I have too much free time to be invaded by porn.

 

[Fappy]

Yes, definitely. I've said this already, if I put together all the things that I want to do, I wouldn't even have time to think about porn. But porn knows how to rob the excitement and motivation and when thinking about doing something makes you feel nothing, I understand how easy it is not to do it. But I guess I have to push through and do those things no matter what because otherwise I have too much free time to be invaded by porn.

Yes thats true as well, you cant enjoy other things because of how much porn has destroyed your dopamine receptors. But that will get better, so get into all the things you want now and soon you’ll enjoy them even more!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Yes thats true as well, you cant enjoy other things because of how much porn has destroyed your dopamine receptors. But that will get better, so get into all the things you want now and soon you’ll enjoy them even more!

Yes, definitely.

 

[SteP]

Week 1
So this is my first weekly report.
From now on, I'll start writing daily updates because I barely remember what I did in the past 3-4 days, let alone last Monday.
Anyway, I had almost no urges until Thursday. On that evening, I went to a Xmas party organised by the grad scheme at my company and socialized with a few people. The place wasn't the best: the music was too loud and English is not even my native language, so I found it hard to chat with people. I had persistent urges on Friday, as the lack of sleep from the night before caught up with me. I also noticed that I was more irritable on Saturday; I was even annoyed at my girlfriend's displays of affection, yet onn Sunday, I was all touchy-feely with her. My emotions have been all over the place. I'd like to think that this is a withdrawal symptom.
Yesterday night I went to a Xmas dinner, this time organized by my girlfriend's supervisor. It was a bit of a drag, a by the end all I wanted was to go home.
It's Monday morning as I am writing this, and I can barely keep my eyes open. Thankfully, social events are over until my parents come to my graduation in a few days.

 

[SteP]

Yesterday I was out again for a Xmas dinner. Socialized with another couple at the table; felt somewhat awkward. I have started reading the Easy Peasy Method hackbook, and I can already feel the benefits. The pivot from "giving up porn" to "getting rid of porn" is a powerful shift in mentality.