Hard Path with No Destination


New Member
Hello fellow fapians,
I've been an ardent porn user for more than 10 years. I'm 33 now. I started heavy porn usage at the age of 20. Worst part is i knew about porn just about 4 years later since i started. But i failed, failed, failed... But keep on fighting. Several times in past, i successfully rebooted. Once i had gained enough confidence, that confidence itslef put myself back into porn believing that i can handle the little porn relapse. My best track records were 7 months, 4 months, 3.5 months, 2.5 months, several 20 days.
Basically what are my problems?
I'm an anxious person even before porn. Over the period i observed following things(problems) related to porn usage.
Porn usage has been mostly associated with Mobile/Internet addiction. These 2 go hand in hand. More screen time, easier the relapse.
Back to my problems,
1. Reduced Sleep
2. Increased anxiety
3. Lack of clear thinking
4. Poor social skills
5. Weight gain
6. No life in life
7. Sense of emptiness
8. No control over life.
I've a peculiar feeling (possibly my own fear). I associate every negative thing happening in my life due to the habit of porn(more like a punishment for porn watching). When i dont use porn, i can think clearly, so i analyse the problem and eventually find out what causing it. That's not the case with porn.
Well I wouldn't look at it quite that way, that every negative thing that happens in your life is due to the habit, but it certainly isn't helping and it may be contributing to some of them.

I was badly addicted, but it really wasn't causing ANY of these things that you have listed (I have my own issues). I imagine it's actually about the other way around - although the fact you believe it is wrong and is causing these things is probably causing you more stress which is making all of them worse.

I think there is something else going on that you're fapping to try to fill the void. Get temporary relief from all of this. Only now it's the only thing you're doing that ever makes you feel good, so you go back to it and back to it and back to it. And the solution (and it'll take time and won't be terribly easy) is to address the underlying issue(s) that got you here to begin with.

I would start with #6. It doesn't have to be romantic, but you need friends and family. You need connections in your life. It *is* what life is all about. We're social creatures and having no one in our lives makes us (#7) feel empty. Of course to get to #6, you need #4. But they kind of go hand in hand. You need to be around people to develop them. Being around people lets you gather feedback about your actions and words and which ones work and which ones don't. Early advice to get started is -- listen more than talk. Ask questions (not TOO personal until you really know them, maybe) to get them to talk about themselves -- and listen to their answers. Avoid the temptation to jump in before they are finished. Don't try to manipulate them by trying to get them to feel sorry for you. Basically let them get from you what you need from them. You need people to listen to you, to value you as a human being and acknowledge and empathize with your experience as one (so don't share this particular experience -- but you'll be surprised how some of the things you think are weird are actually pretty common). They will eventually reciprocate.

I'm sure there are books out there on this, some better than others but I can't recommend any as I kind of came to this conclusion by observing myself and the people around me and having one friend introduce the "ask and listen" advice. It's probably #1. If you can do that you'll go a long way. People like that people are interested in them.

#3 ... read, meditate. Think about things. The reading will give you things to think about especially if it' has something constructive and positive. Like learning how to deal with yourself and others. But it doesn't HAVE to be that. Oh, and get a hobby. Mine is music. If I'm ever bored or wanting for something to do, I can pick up my instrument and play something, or try to learn something new. Take up whittling. Or photography. Or ... something to learn and continually get better at. This will give you a distraction, it will build your self-image as you get better (you don't have to become a virtuoso, just have to eventually get good enough to enjoy doing it for its own sake) - AND ... it'll make you more interesting for #6 -- which I just realized says "no life in life" but I'd initially read it as "no one in life" which I'm going to guess is also basically true. The cure for that is to PUT life in life, which means doing things. Other than watching porn.

#5 establish a daily exercise routine, preferably with strength training. Try the videos on YouTube at fitnessblender. Find two or three routines you will do, and do one of them 5 days a week. 25-30 minutes. Make it a habit. And pay attention to what you eat. Get a book or use fitbit's website to log what you eat for a couple of weeks. It'll really open your eyes. Most people have no idea what they're consuming. 1 lb of fat = 3,500 calories over time. If you're not breaking even with calories burned/calories eaten (because you're eating more than that) you're going to gain wait. A 500 calorie per day deficit means you lose one lb a week.

This will help reduce anxiety (#2) which will help with (#1) sleep, and even #3. Finally, DOING all of these things IS (#8) taking control of your life.

Simply quitting porn will not address any of them. It'll just be the only reliably easy thing to go back to. Like a hit off of a crack pipe.

Something else to consider. My addiction destroyed my libido. Over time, this is what it will do to you. Listen to this. It ended when I couldn't even get it up for porn. The reward center in my brain got so desensitized to sexuality that it would no longer trigger enough physical response to even freakin' enjoy a fap. Do you want that? No you don't! It is a drug and it will break you over time.

Look up Dr. Trish Leigh on YouTube. Watch some of her videos on porn addiction. Watch several. They're pretty good.

This habit is doing you no good, and worrying over it is making it worse. Stop doing it, stop worrying. Take control. Learn to hate it, because it is a force that will destroy you. My tag line and my avatar -- the moment in the story where Gandalf tells the Balrog YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!! That is what I tell the urge when it comes up. I deleted all of the porn I had, every bookmark, every bit of internet history that might come up -- that in itself is a step toward taking control. Do that first. It's not easy! But you can do it. Because you hate this crap. You're in a destructive rut. Take the wheel, step on the gas, and drive toward the light.

Speaking of light, not saying you have to do this one, but it wouldn't hurt. Try to find God in the universe - somehow. Not necessarily a floaty waif out in space or on a cloud wearing robes with a staff -- but something that is bigger than you, something that calls you to do better, to be better. You can do all of the above without doing this, but the title of your post *IS* "Hard path with no destination". You need a destination. I said drive toward the light, and you have to have an idea what light IS first. But for now, simply driving away from the darkness -- and I can tell you know what that is -- will do. Get away from the darkness, and get to a point where you can see -- the rest will follow.
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