And so the journey back begins…

[Carpaccio]

I’m 56, married for over 20 years, I have a beautiful wife some 8 years younger and very desirable and I love her. Our sex life has had ups and downs, but in the last 7-8 years was getting very good, regular, enjoyable and stable. A bit experimenting every now and then. My wife is very understanding and curious. She doesnt mind if I watch P, in fact we have watched it together on occasion.
We usually have sex once a week, sometimes two. Its kind of something to look forward to. But I do have a sex drive which is a little more than that, and sometimes I travel for business, so have been doing PMO just to get off. Sometimes strip clubs or worse,

So everything just dandy, right? But no, it isn’t

Some 3-4 years ago I started noticed sign of ED. It just didnt get that hard, or started taking a while to get there. Even though I felt turned on. So managed to get myself some Viagra and could perform just great using that. But then I kind of couldn’t really without or was concerned to try without. And it got worse. Didnt tell my wife about as we were still OK.

I also starting feeling less sensation. I helped doing no PMO a day or two before our regular days to be extra turned on. But after having some fails, I finally told my wife that I wanted to go and get checked out because I felt it was failing to get hard when I wanted to, and was getting worried about prostate etc. She was very understanding, and I got to the doc. Got checked, levels were wrong and went through the whole thing incl MR scan. Nothing wrong, phew.
But also got my doc to prescribe some Cialis, and have been using that for around a year.

But still have the desensing, still have issues getting started, and not getting as hard as I want.
On the PMO side, things that use to turn me on, doesnt. Then found other stuff to watch, that doesnt quite work either. But ended up spending hours watching stuff that didnt really get me going, but I kind of felt I HAVE TO in order to get to O. Watching alone didnt do it, but watching and MO did.

And after reading here and other places I figured out whats wrong. PIED, desensing.

This has to stop. I want my sensing back. I want to be able to get hard just looking at my wife getting undressed as I used to. Hell, I want to get hard just thinking about her getting undressed,

So 3 days ago I decided to quit PMO. And kept it up since then.

I am not quite sure MO is OK. I thought that might be OK as long as I thought about real women and past experiences. Maybe I should quit that to, and only go for sex with my wife. Not quite decided there. So had a go at that yesterday. Probably a bad idea, so think I will park that too.

I want back to where I was. Seems to work for other guys here, so my journey begins….

 

[guitar1968]

Good luck on your journey. Sounds a lot like how many of us came to realize that porn was the culprit. I've been struggling with quitting for years. In the past year I have made some great strides and have of course failed a good number of times. But I do believe I'm better than I was a year ago and I hope that things continue to improve. This is a good place to hangout for support.

Hang in there!

 

[Carpaccio]

So now on day 5. Big thanks to @guitar1968 for the encouragement.

I decided that MO is off the table and kept that up. Not been too difficult as I’m a bit flatlined, which I think has to do with stress at work and not withdrawel from porn. In some way thats kind of helpful since I am less tempted. I can keep this up, I know I can.

Wife and I plan some adult time on Saturday (I am sure everyone with teenagers around know planning is a good idea). Mentally that works really well for me - it helps my resolve to stay away from porn and MO. Saves the energy for Saturday too.

 

[Gold]

As Guitar1968 said, good luck on your journey...sounds like you're on the right track. Our situations have some similarities, some differences. Either way, I don't want to be prescriptive but total abstinence works for me, and for my wife. You've been up front with your wife about porn use. Not so with me and mine so when I told her, she suffered significant betrayal trauma. In that context, total abstinence is proving to be significantly more beneficial than I could have imagined. It's like fasting in order to detox but the effects are immediate because freedom from the burden of sexual thought, feeling and behaviour is uplifting and energy inducing. I suspect it will also work for you even if you are flatlining at present. Good luck. You will get there (in fact, sounds like you're already!).

 

[Carpaccio]

I realize I am kind of in a different position reading many others here. As you mention, @Gold , porn was never tabu in my relationship, so there was never any feelings of betrayal. On the other hand, abstinence might cause that feeling, particular if she was to feel rejected or that porn is better than being with her. Which was never and will never be the case. Sex with my wife beats sex with my iPad anytime. I always felt that way, it was always a substitute for the real thing, But I overdid it, and the real thing started to lose its magic, and here we are.

But I guess thats exactly where some guys will get in trouble - if their partner immediately jump to the conclusion that porn is something they prefer over her or looking for something else. That can obviously be the case which is real bad or maybe they just dont have much or any sex. If the latter, the temptation would be there for anyone. And then it escalates.

Had a good day today. I am mentally looking forward to the intimacy on the weekend with my partner, even if my body isn’t quite there yet, but this is going in the right direction.

You guys are great. Thanks for the support, its really does help being here.

 

[guitar1968]

Porn wasn't tabu in our relationship as well. We even watched it together a little bit in the beginning of our relationship and I always made it clear that as an adult, it was up to me whether or not I watched porn. So, she always knew that it was part of my life. The problems really began when I wanted her to do the things I was watching. I put way too much pressure on her to do things she was uncomfortable doing. I grew up with porn, wanted a porn type of relationship. That was my big mistake. It turned my wife off of sex with me and created a lot of resentment. Eventually I became very addicted to porn. Watching it constantly. When I started to work from home in 2003 my addiction blew up. I had porn on most of the day. I would work, take a porn break. That meant masturbating 4 or 5 times a day and watching even when I couldn't masturbate any longer. That led to not being able to keep it up with my wife. When I could keep it up, I could no longer orgasm. But did that stop me? Of course not, if I couldn't have sex with her, I always had my porn. My wife and I no longer have sex. I'm not sure why we're still together. We have a lot of other problems, but I would have to say that porn lead to most of those problems. I finally just got sick of porn. And, even though I started to hate it, I couldn't stop watching it. I feel like I'm broken for good. Now, I don't really feel much when I do see porn. I'm in a very weird place. I don't know if I would feel confident trying to have sex with anyone right now. I am glad I'm here and I'm glad I'm not using porn now. I do slip up here and there but I am so tired of porn. I'm so tired of not having physical intimacy with my partner. I'm tired of worrying about it and I'm tired of thinking about it.

I'm 54. I really hope that I can turn this around and eventually heal my mind and body from what this has done to me. Porn now is just so accepted. It's common for it to be talked about and joked about on mainstream comedies on tv and in movies. So acceptable. At least back when we were growing up it was more tabu. You had to hide it and be quiet about it. Way too easy to get into it now. It's going to continue to ruin marriages and relationships. What a shame. And I was right there saying there is nothing wrong with it. Well, I've learned first hand how wrong I was.

Enjoy your weekend with your wife. You are lucky you haven't let it ruin everything. It sounds like your marriage is still good and that you have the opportunity to walk away and enjoy the rest of your life.

Take care everyone.

 

[Carpaccio]

As porn was always a substitute for me, I never really fantasized about enacting porn. I grew when women wasn't shaving shaving every inch of their bodies, so I was always more turned on by natural women and I would be looking for that on those screens, and the theatrical mainstream stuff didnt turn me on, neither the weird stuff. But as with many of us, it just stopped being giving any kind of tingling sensation, but that hasnt stopped me from PMO, it just meant I spent loads more time looking for just the right scene.

Its as you say, consciously you know youre not really getting much out of it, but you still keep at it. Stupid when you think about it.

 

[Carpaccio]

So this is day 8, and keep going.

Had a good Saturday. Wife and I had planned for some adult time during the daytime. As I had felt a bit flatlined during the week, I was a bit apprehensive, and took a Cialis in the morning to avoid the fear of ED was not becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was up to a little slow start, but 5 minutes into it that went away and I was getting good wood. Not perfect, but definitely OK. Slowly, intimate and great, and both of us managed to get to the O, and I felt just great. Staying off the P really did make a difference as I felt a lot more present and into it. Rewarding.

I didnt get into a flat after that, so had a great day. In the evening, however, I felt high and horny and since my wife never fancy evening repeats, this is where there is danger. I did stay off the P, but had to MO to release, but I kept my mind on what we did and what we will do next, so I think that was OK.

Sunday evening got rather tempting too. Had to go through a mental checklist about why I dont want to PMO, and then I stayed off it. No flatline, which actually just made it a bit harder to stay off. But I did.

This morning I woke up with a healthy morning wood. So definately the flat is leaving.

Dont know about the MO, may be needed to make sure I avoid ending up on parts of the Internet where I shouldnt go. What about you guys? You stay off MO, does it have effect on the rewire?

 

[Gold]

Hi Carpaccio (and guitar 1968),

To answer your question, from my view point only, I'd say staying off MO has an enhancing effect on the rewire. For me, that rationale has to do with the seeking/reward circuitry in the primal part of the brain specifically linked to the reboot. That circuitry is the neural network linked to addiction. It is regulated, enhanced, or escalated, by a cycle of triggers, seeking behaviours, and reward behaviours. Addiction can be defined as any or all of the following three elements; craving (insatiable urge), control (loss of), and consequence (negative social, sexual, relationship impact). Total abstinence breaks the addiction cycle. To duration and extent of abstinence is a personal choice based on personal circumstance. For me, it is total and will remain so for as long as it takes. It serves as a means for me to give to my wife, to understand her loss and trauma, to accept me and for me to be closer to her, to listen to her in awareness and to heal, re-establishing the lost connection.

Two very good books;
1. Your Brain on Porn - by Gary Wilson (the affects of porn on the brain)
2. Love You, Hate the Porn - by Mark Chamberlain (for partners suffering the betrayal trauma of their partner's who are/were porn users. Also excellent for the porn user).

I'm preaching again. Sorry about that...to answer your question. Yes, staying off MO has a positive effect. Good luck.

 

[Carpaccio]

Thanks Gold. I guess I am fortunate in the way I realized what was going on before it started getting in the way of my relationship. When I read other journals here, many are far less fortunate in that way.

Its now day 9, and I am keeping well clear of porn.

MO is probably going to be a tradeoff for me every once in a while. The key for me is not have to look at screens to get there, and to avoid the numbness that it brings. I can already tell a difference by now - I start to get that tingling sensation back just looking at my wife when she show a bit of skin, and even when I think about her. Thats what I wanted to get back to

 

[Carpaccio]

Day 14, still keeping strong.

I feel that I dont have too many difficulties keeping away from porn. But I do have some some kind of unfulfilled feeling, but guessing thats the energy I need to channel somewhere else.

But will keep going

 

[MarshDweller05]

Encouraging man, you can find a new outlet, porn is a lie, the addiction makes you think you need, You have it all within your beautiful self

 

[Fappy]

Congrats on the 2 weeks! Dont worry, if you stick to how youre going you will definately get it all back, and more!

 

[joepanic]

Hi Carpaccio I have read your journal with interest and our stories are somewhat similar I am 50 married so on son My wife also knew I surfed porn and couldn't have cared less. She knew my sex drive was higher than hers and figured it was an outlet for me. She doesn't know that it became an outright addiction. And I chose not to involve her in my reboot. The one issue that separates me from a lot of guys here is never once have I experienced pied. Yet> I do feel at risk of something like that. There was never any betrayal as she has her "fantasies" about others just as i have mine. I of course have more and she just thinks they are "cute" We find this a really healthy outlook as there are no jealousy issues. My reasons for giving up porn are my own I don't want to be an addict. I want to spend my time doing other things and The internet porn industry has gotten way out of hand and is not a healthy one for all involved today.

Cheeers

Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Carpaccio]

Busy week, so no time for check ins. But now 3 weeks past, and no relapse. Keeping with the program.

@joepanic thanks for sharing, and yes quite similar. Although I have experienced PIED, I could take care of if with Cialis or Viagra. But that wasnt actually the worst part for me. It was more the desensing and kind of getting not-so-much turned on anymore mentally/visually, ie from either seeing a bit of skin IRL or getting turned on just thinking about sex. Instead I had to look at that damned screen more and more to get turned on - and then that kinda stopped working too.

3 weeks into this, I have found myself with a half-boner just on a random thought. Tingling. Thats progress. This is working.

 

[Carpaccio]

Over a month now passed - 36 days to be exact, and still going strong. No porn.

On occasion, I havent been able to resist looking watching a few bikinebabes on TikTok. But there isnt any porn or nudity there, so I allowed myself that.

Sex is so much better now, I easily get a boner just looking forward to it. I am now starting to believe I can get rid of the PIED. Still some nervousness about failing to get hard when I need to, but I am hopeful

 

[Xman]

Over a month now passed - 36 days to be exact, and still going strong. No porn.

On occasion, I havent been able to resist looking watching a few bikinebabes on TikTok. But there isnt any porn or nudity there, so I allowed myself that.

Sex is so much better now, I easily get a boner just looking forward to it. I am now starting to believe I can get rid of the PIED. Still some nervousness about failing to get hard when I need to, but I am hopeful

Hi, Carapaccio.

Thanks for sharing. Like others before me have said, post often. It helps me and it helps you.

 

[Xman]

Over a month now passed - 36 days to be exact, and still going strong. No porn.

On occasion, I havent been able to resist looking watching a few bikinebabes on TikTok. But there isnt any porn or nudity there, so I allowed myself that.

Sex is so much better now, I easily get a boner just looking forward to it. I am now starting to believe I can get rid of the PIED. Still some nervousness about failing to get hard when I need to, but I am hopeful

Hi, Carapaccio.

Thanks for posting. Stories like yours are really encouraging.
Hang in there...it gets better. Like others before me have said, post often. It helps me, it helps you.

Have a good one.

 

[TryingHarder]

On occasion, I havent been able to resist looking watching a few bikinebabes on TikTok. But there isnt any porn or nudity there, so I allowed myself that.

Glad you're doing better Carpaccio, but let me caution you on "allowing" stuff like this. It's the compulsive urge to look at any kind of digital erotica that triggers PMO. At least that's my experience. I don't even allow myself to do a Google image search for a hot actress I saw on Netflix last night. The images might seem totally "innocent" but I find the thought process is the same: oh, this can't hurt, I'll just look a little bit, well maybe just a little more, and then before I know it I'm looking at porn again.