Reboot/Recovery Journal 30yr Old

[MarshDweller05]

Today I MO once and PMO w/instagram pics once. I was pretty happy to have gone 3 days without PMO or MO, I had overcomes some pretty serious urges, and used some different activities to find some dopamine and relaxation in the world.

In my thoughts to slip, I told myself, hey you just succeeded, now it doesn't matter if you just do it once.

My problem is that I do feel that P is really bad, but MO I haven't completelty committed to stopping. This is an issue becuase I can see, once I MO, then the brain feels happy for 10 minutes, then it wants more - and this means PMO.

So stopping the MO is critical. I need to be 100% committed to stop the MO on this journey. In the past I MO compulsivley. This was my gateway into this addiction and is a strong mood regulator. When seomthing happens, stress or boredom I get the huge urge, or when seeing a sexy lady, the huge urge.

I also need to figure out what my goal is and what my plan is. Obviously I need to do a strong reboot, 90 day no PMO. But again, I am slacking on the MO which leads to PMO.

I think shorter goals will be good. Like getting through 5 Days. Then 2 Days of the Weekend. Then another 5 or so. The weekend is difficult becuase I like to relax and chill. So instead of PMO or MO I am seeking healthy ways to chill. I am a big introvert in a way so enjoy some alone time, however this usually leads to PMO. So I can take the time in public, or change something about the alone time to break the pattern

Lots of thoughts, the more I go the more I see this is a total war, lol. at least at first.

 

[MarshDweller05]

Doing good today, urges are much lower. Still some thoughts about MO, but not as great. The urges seem to come and go quicker and are less powerfull. Obvioulsy there is still a thought to give in, but I keep returning to why I quit and the huge benefits and gains from quitting vs the terrible cost and no advantages of keeping up with it. I think it almost scares me that I can see its getting better and I am getting ready to leave this behind

 

[MarshDweller05]

Tonight I feel the deep, maybe deepest urge to pmo and mo to a girl i once dated. This is the real deal, I could easily go MO and PMO right now and my urge and pang is really strong. This is another turning point i think. On one had i could easily go do it. On the other, it seems ive never known life withuot mo and pmo, what will it be like without it. Do i need my little pleasure or is it slowly killing me. I have a choice

I am writing this now becuase this is one of these real moments where I could go either way and I want to stay in it and think before I act. Gosh I am sorry I got into this mess, and still have the urges and pangs.

I do believe in victory, truth beauty. A higher god or divinity to the universe who wants sexuality redeemed in the people I think. And from an evolutionary stand point this is the way nature intended. I pray for that true realization and truly see mo and pmo for what it is and how its that in order to get rid of the urge I have to escape the addiciton, rather than moing and pmoing. I dont like to do things for purely a moral reason or as a means to try and be perfect or because I "should", but freedom from pmo and mo is who I am, its the real me.

 

[MarshDweller05]

Today another test. Sufferd form back pain from New job sitting I am using a type if chair that might cause it so I tomorrow I will ask to see if they have a different type of chair.

In terms of mo and pmo I felt like f I am really down today so I can just rub one out. And think if a girl. It would be so easy. But I dnk there is too much cost now

It isn't worth getting back in the pain cycle the addiction cycle the dopamine cycle. There are real ways to relax like listening to my audiobook. I mean yeah. I can feel myself getting stronger and being to not jus react with an urge. It's definitely ao tempting to think man i need the relief with this back pain but I am gonna add more pain on this pain. Besides there are good looking girls at work and I don't want to be in pmo creeper mode around them. So I am saying g I am escaping pmo and mo and embracing real life and healthy ways to handle life while keeping it real lol

 

[MarshDweller05]

PMO 3 times yesterday after a week of good progress and 3 weeks of progress, with some failures but a lot of progress. I wish I could be perfect, but that is just not the case.

I will say I made huge progress the past 3 weeks. My unit haha is a lot healither down there and I can see how life without PMO and MO is the healthy way and the penis likes it lol

Reading other posts helps me see how wild this ride is and how urges are coming and how things and life trigger them. Anyway I am getting back on track. I wish I was someone who could have long streaks without it but right now it doesn't seem to work but any progress is really good progress.

I am also thinking of joining a 12 step group

 

[MarshDweller05]

Yesterday PMO relapse bigtime. Did around 8times.
I have bounced back today and am recommitted to escaping pmo and mo and p.

I have relapsed but I have also made a ton of progress and feel that urges are much lower. I have added a blocker to my phone and computer.

I am so thinking ofnjooning a 12 step group

I look eagerly towards victory and freedom this week.

 

[MarshDweller05]

I am still on the journey to recovery. I haven't been able to be completely clean everyday but I am night and day better than I was one month ago.

The crazy thing is that there isn't much stopping or standing in between Me and freedom. I need to continue to relinquish this adiciton. Give it up Completely. I think I'm close and the crazy thing is I think I'm actually very close. Soon this will be gone nothing. The power this once had is gone and I have realized that pmo mo are a disease and the way to death. Life is waiting and true love and contentment and the ability to enjoy life fully and be the person I am meant to be. To see women in the best way and have a healthy sexcuality free from my dopamine addiction and free from societies cheap fake hyper sexualized stupid bag of goodies. And to be free from purrley hedonistic objectification style of living. Woo hoo