February 26, 2023, My New Day 1:
Wednesday, I made it far enough into the day that I logged in here and posted, but a little while later I was right back at it. I stayed up until about 2AM, barely got any sleep, woke up and started again, and was 10 minutes late to my therapy appointment. Thursday was bad, but less so, Friday was better. On Saturday, insomnia woke me up around 4:30, and I had a few sessions before about 10.
Yesterday I came clean to my long-distance GF. I told her how embarassed and ashamed I was. There were some other stupid things I did that I won't get into here, but most of today was me apologizing and giving her reassurance. She's been very understanding and supportive about the porn relapse, but was understandably upset that I hid it from her. She picked up on how distant I've been since Tuesday, and had internalized a lot of that distance, and is probably internalizing her boyfriend relapsing into a porn addiction.
NOTE TO FUTURE SELF: Remember what it felt like to make her cry. Remember what she looked like in the post ugly cry photo she sent you, and what a piece of shit you felt like for your part in that. Be a better man. Be a better partner.
I know how it feels to return to something that was just as empty as it was when you left it behind.
...wondering why the fuck I got into this situation again....
...trying to convince myself I was over the addiction if I could go over 500 days. But it was all a lie...
This all really resonates with me right now. There were a few periods last week of getting lost in the fog, and immediately post O thinking "WTF am I doing? What have I done?" And I now know that "just one drink" isn't an option for me.
yo my man. dont be too harsh on yourself. i realize people leigh way too much weight into the streaks. they are just a tool. This is about healing your brain. When an alcoholic is 1 year clean and drinks 1 night and goes back to being clean. thats absolutely no big deal. it can happen. just dont fall into a "dont care now" pit. like my brother @Blondie
just described above.
See your streak like this: 1/366. You relapsed 1 time in 366 days. see? thats pretty insane. thats way better than i was/am doing right now and many others.. keep killing it
Thanks. I'm trying to see it that way too. My streak is broken, but it's still a good record.
So, where do I go from here?
I realize that the addiction needs to stop, and I need to get back into my recovery starting blocks. I hope that it will be easier to quit this time than last time, but I'm not stupid enough to think it will be easy. Right this minute I can't type out a whole game plan, but at the very least, I'm making the commitment to go PMO free. No looking at any porn. No looking at any nude images, unless they happen to be in a movie or something, but no watching a movie for that purpose. I told my GF that I planned on going fully orgasm free for 3 weeks, but that made her begin to feel somewhat insecure, so I'm making an exception for her, in case we do decide to do phone/text stuff. But no solo sessions.
Within the next 2 days, I will flesh out a plan regarding all the saved porn/access to sites/etc, setting up obstacles, healthier routines, and escape plans if I start venturing too close.
Thanks again for all the support everybody. You're awesome and I wish everybody luck with their recovery.