[MO: 1 -- Me: 18]
Day 10 -- On confidence
Yesterday was another fine day. No shitty suffering to go through.
Another success in avoiding porn despite the urge to see some nakedness.
Have a few thoughts on confidence, though. Throughout my life, I've struggled to have confidence with myself. Interestingly enough, I can express confidence really well, I just can't back it up with reality. My fascination with video games is, I think, based in the fact that they make me feel confident. I can do them and I can do them well. Is that something to write home about? Well, maybe not, but the fact remains that a lot of my strengths come out when I play games. I feel like I'm succeeding at something instead of consistently failing at life. The way my brain is wired makes real life difficult or trying to succeed in real life difficult. Especially in terms of social constructs, rules, and nuance. These failures to understand the meaning of what another person is showing me hurts me a little. And when I try to have a relationship with a woman I'm feeling attracted to, I fail at that for some reason and I rarely ever learn why.
It seems confidence is a struggle for me. I have a lot of it in some areas and very little in others. I suppose that's the non-binary nature of life I have difficulty seeing. That's okay, though, right? We're all allowed to learn how we learn. I just wish I wasn't 40 and stuck in myself. It'd be great to just move on and live a little happier but I'm scared. I'm scared of facing the unknown of social nuance because I don't know how to interpret it. I never learned. But maybe I should stop thinking about it and just go with my feelings on this one? You know? I had a successful one year relationship in high school. What's saying that I can't do it now? I'm saying it. Because I'm scared of something. Rejection, probably.