Tryinghere
Active Member
That’s the upside lol. Good job so far man. Good luck
Turning lemons into lemonade
- Thread starter Seafly
- Start date
[MO: 0 -- Me: 10]
Day 10: AM -- Confessions of an unhealthy mistake
Oh, to be 16 again and be able to eat junk food and not feel the consequences to it! Those days are long past but sometimes I get the hankering for something sweet and I give in a little. I think I'm at the age where bad food creates bad reactions and I have to keep relearning the same hard lesson over and over again. I like the taste of Skittles and they have a new gummi variety that I sometimes pick up at Walmart. It was just a little bag! But that little bag, while it tasted so good, made me feel a deep depression (or at least helped create the mindset).
I liken this to PMO. Sometimes you just gotta have a little taste and it ends up hurting your brain in the end. But its just ONE rush dopamine. What's the harm in that? Plenty. Plenty of harm. Just like eating pure sugar makes me feel depressed, so does that one MO to some reddit picture. It's time to keep up the healthy eating for good. Sorry, candy industry. You won't be getting one more dollar from me.
Sorry, porn industry. You won't be getting one more dopamine rush from me.
Day 10: AM -- Confessions of an unhealthy mistake
Oh, to be 16 again and be able to eat junk food and not feel the consequences to it! Those days are long past but sometimes I get the hankering for something sweet and I give in a little. I think I'm at the age where bad food creates bad reactions and I have to keep relearning the same hard lesson over and over again. I like the taste of Skittles and they have a new gummi variety that I sometimes pick up at Walmart. It was just a little bag! But that little bag, while it tasted so good, made me feel a deep depression (or at least helped create the mindset).
I liken this to PMO. Sometimes you just gotta have a little taste and it ends up hurting your brain in the end. But its just ONE rush dopamine. What's the harm in that? Plenty. Plenty of harm. Just like eating pure sugar makes me feel depressed, so does that one MO to some reddit picture. It's time to keep up the healthy eating for good. Sorry, candy industry. You won't be getting one more dollar from me.
Sorry, porn industry. You won't be getting one more dopamine rush from me.
[MO: 1 -- Me: 11]
Day 3 -- Plot Twist
So, I briefly lost my mind last Friday. Out of some sense of caring for the people I live with, I separated myself from them by living in my car at the homeless shelter for about five days. Was it worth it? No. Why did I do it? Because I thought I was making their lives better by taking me out of the equation. This probably isn't true. And what did I get from this decision? I relapsed. I drank the entire the time and I smoked the entire time. The marijuana isn't the bad guy here, but the drinking is. I'm still feeling somewhat sick from the drinking. And how did I occupy my time? I played video games and watched Netflix. What a wonderful life! /sarcasm.
I'm starting my daily count over again from the day I relapsed. That should be three days ago. I can't believe I'm holding on. I don't get where this is coming from. I suppose I don't have any choice but to keep it up.
Day 3 -- Plot Twist
So, I briefly lost my mind last Friday. Out of some sense of caring for the people I live with, I separated myself from them by living in my car at the homeless shelter for about five days. Was it worth it? No. Why did I do it? Because I thought I was making their lives better by taking me out of the equation. This probably isn't true. And what did I get from this decision? I relapsed. I drank the entire the time and I smoked the entire time. The marijuana isn't the bad guy here, but the drinking is. I'm still feeling somewhat sick from the drinking. And how did I occupy my time? I played video games and watched Netflix. What a wonderful life! /sarcasm.
I'm starting my daily count over again from the day I relapsed. That should be three days ago. I can't believe I'm holding on. I don't get where this is coming from. I suppose I don't have any choice but to keep it up.
EarthWalker
Respected Member
Hi man. Speaking from my own experience. I had this belief of not wanting to be a burden to people. So I didn't express my needs. I thought I am being of service to people this way. This is not it. My needs to matter - we do healthy negotiations of our needs while respecting boundaries. This is healthy and beneficial to all.
This has been helpful for me:
Wishing you well
EW
[MO: 1 -- Me: 12]
Day 4: Sick Day
I'm pretty sure the drinking did something to my organs that is making me sick. Or at least not be able to fight off what is ravaging my system right now. I did this to myself and now I have to pay the price. At least I didn't give in to any other addictions I have. Being here is better for me than being homeless, but that doesn't make me feel any better. Just gonna sit tight in bed today and veg.
Day 4: Sick Day
I'm pretty sure the drinking did something to my organs that is making me sick. Or at least not be able to fight off what is ravaging my system right now. I did this to myself and now I have to pay the price. At least I didn't give in to any other addictions I have. Being here is better for me than being homeless, but that doesn't make me feel any better. Just gonna sit tight in bed today and veg.
[MO: 1 -- Me: 13]
Day 5: Resistant catepillar
Still bedridden with whatever is making me feel fatigued. Luckily, my side is getting better and I can breathe deeply without too much pain. I had the urge to PMO earlier today but I ignored it. That urge is probably still lurking around somewhere. But so far so good.
Part of me enjoys the fact that I can lay in bed and play video games with impunity. The other part is disgusted that I'm doing this. I'm changing, as we all are all the time. But for me I'm more aware of it. Video games are coming to be an addiction that I've had for many, many years. One that helped me cope when I was a kid but isn't helping me as an adult. What a strange world we live in.
Day 5: Resistant catepillar
Still bedridden with whatever is making me feel fatigued. Luckily, my side is getting better and I can breathe deeply without too much pain. I had the urge to PMO earlier today but I ignored it. That urge is probably still lurking around somewhere. But so far so good.
Part of me enjoys the fact that I can lay in bed and play video games with impunity. The other part is disgusted that I'm doing this. I'm changing, as we all are all the time. But for me I'm more aware of it. Video games are coming to be an addiction that I've had for many, many years. One that helped me cope when I was a kid but isn't helping me as an adult. What a strange world we live in.
[MO: 1 -- Me: 14]
Day 6: Semi-lazy Sunday
Feeling much less fatigued but still a little wary about it. Probably shouldn't over-exert myself too much just to be safe. Going to go outside every once in a while and pick up pine cones or maybe even chop some wood if I'm feeling frisky. A bath is definitely in the works.
Day 6: Semi-lazy Sunday
Feeling much less fatigued but still a little wary about it. Probably shouldn't over-exert myself too much just to be safe. Going to go outside every once in a while and pick up pine cones or maybe even chop some wood if I'm feeling frisky. A bath is definitely in the works.
particularly_respecting
Active Member
One of the best activities imo
Good exercise, productive, and feel like a man
It's just fun too smashing things with a big axe
Great job getting to six days!
[MO: 1 -- Me: 15]
Day 7: Rough Seas
Woke up feeling emotionally vulnerable this morning. The war that's going on in my head between my love of video games and the negative big picture they're attached to is still raging. Depression seems inevitable today. I'm already feeling it. And the animal shelter is closed today so I can't go cuddle with the kitties. Its gonna be a challenging day and I'm curious how I'm going to handle it. Hopefully with healthy things instead of addictions. Maybe this is where the phrase, "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," comes into play. Might as well hang on to the silver lining sewn into this day.
Day 7: Rough Seas
Woke up feeling emotionally vulnerable this morning. The war that's going on in my head between my love of video games and the negative big picture they're attached to is still raging. Depression seems inevitable today. I'm already feeling it. And the animal shelter is closed today so I can't go cuddle with the kitties. Its gonna be a challenging day and I'm curious how I'm going to handle it. Hopefully with healthy things instead of addictions. Maybe this is where the phrase, "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," comes into play. Might as well hang on to the silver lining sewn into this day.
Tryinghere
Active Member
You’re doing great. Your first 100 days or so are full of ups and downs. With me it was mostly downs. But it gets much much better. Just keep going
[MO: 1 -- Me: 16]
Day 8: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger
My edit in yesterday's entry disappeared or I didn't click the right button so I gotta write up my experiences in this one. Yesterday basically sucked goat balls. I felt nothing but shame and despair the entire day even when trying to escape said emotions with smoking pot. It's been a while since I've felt this bad for no obvious reason. I guess the silver lining here is that despite the emotions, I still didn't watch porn or drink alcohol. Yay me and my resilience. I suppose I'll take it.
This morning is better. Don't feel quit so shitty and the animal shelter is open so I can go there if I really need some emotional support. Will probably go there anyways. It still hurts a little, on my left side, to breath in fully and I'm still blaming that on my five day drinking binge. Am I dying? Did I hurt my kidney or other internal organ to the point that it can't recover and I won't be able to live through The Great Reset? Is that such a bad thing? I suppose all this death-talk and -thought is making me think about what's really important. But again.... why is liking video games so bad? It isn't. It's just bad if that's the ONLY thing you know how to do. Is that really a life? Stupid internal war. I've got just as much propaganda going on in my head as the US people do on their MSM. Parallels, eh? We're all trying to get our heads straight but only some of us are conscious of it.
Day 8: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger
My edit in yesterday's entry disappeared or I didn't click the right button so I gotta write up my experiences in this one. Yesterday basically sucked goat balls. I felt nothing but shame and despair the entire day even when trying to escape said emotions with smoking pot. It's been a while since I've felt this bad for no obvious reason. I guess the silver lining here is that despite the emotions, I still didn't watch porn or drink alcohol. Yay me and my resilience. I suppose I'll take it.
This morning is better. Don't feel quit so shitty and the animal shelter is open so I can go there if I really need some emotional support. Will probably go there anyways. It still hurts a little, on my left side, to breath in fully and I'm still blaming that on my five day drinking binge. Am I dying? Did I hurt my kidney or other internal organ to the point that it can't recover and I won't be able to live through The Great Reset? Is that such a bad thing? I suppose all this death-talk and -thought is making me think about what's really important. But again.... why is liking video games so bad? It isn't. It's just bad if that's the ONLY thing you know how to do. Is that really a life? Stupid internal war. I've got just as much propaganda going on in my head as the US people do on their MSM. Parallels, eh? We're all trying to get our heads straight but only some of us are conscious of it.
[MO: 1 -- Me: 17]
Day 9
Yesterday was finally a good day. Finally a day worth writing about. It wasn't fan-freakin'-tastic by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't suffering all day either. I spent a few hours at the animal shelter with the cats which always makes me feel better. Then I went near the river, got high, listened to some music and went for a short walk in the woods. I actually had a good experience. Funny how life works. One day you feel like shit. The next day you feel a bit better. Keeps the suffering thing in perspective, I think. Suffering sucks in the moment, but it doesn't last. You just gotta get used to the discomfort emotional suffering puts you through and it'll eventually go away. It'll come back, but then you just gotta handle it again. Day by day. Step by step.
Day 9
Yesterday was finally a good day. Finally a day worth writing about. It wasn't fan-freakin'-tastic by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't suffering all day either. I spent a few hours at the animal shelter with the cats which always makes me feel better. Then I went near the river, got high, listened to some music and went for a short walk in the woods. I actually had a good experience. Funny how life works. One day you feel like shit. The next day you feel a bit better. Keeps the suffering thing in perspective, I think. Suffering sucks in the moment, but it doesn't last. You just gotta get used to the discomfort emotional suffering puts you through and it'll eventually go away. It'll come back, but then you just gotta handle it again. Day by day. Step by step.
[MO: 1 -- Me: 18]
Day 10 -- On confidence
Yesterday was another fine day. No shitty suffering to go through.
Another success in avoiding porn despite the urge to see some nakedness.
Have a few thoughts on confidence, though. Throughout my life, I've struggled to have confidence with myself. Interestingly enough, I can express confidence really well, I just can't back it up with reality. My fascination with video games is, I think, based in the fact that they make me feel confident. I can do them and I can do them well. Is that something to write home about? Well, maybe not, but the fact remains that a lot of my strengths come out when I play games. I feel like I'm succeeding at something instead of consistently failing at life. The way my brain is wired makes real life difficult or trying to succeed in real life difficult. Especially in terms of social constructs, rules, and nuance. These failures to understand the meaning of what another person is showing me hurts me a little. And when I try to have a relationship with a woman I'm feeling attracted to, I fail at that for some reason and I rarely ever learn why.
It seems confidence is a struggle for me. I have a lot of it in some areas and very little in others. I suppose that's the non-binary nature of life I have difficulty seeing. That's okay, though, right? We're all allowed to learn how we learn. I just wish I wasn't 40 and stuck in myself. It'd be great to just move on and live a little happier but I'm scared. I'm scared of facing the unknown of social nuance because I don't know how to interpret it. I never learned. But maybe I should stop thinking about it and just go with my feelings on this one? You know? I had a successful one year relationship in high school. What's saying that I can't do it now? I'm saying it. Because I'm scared of something. Rejection, probably.
Day 10 -- On confidence
Yesterday was another fine day. No shitty suffering to go through.
Another success in avoiding porn despite the urge to see some nakedness.
Have a few thoughts on confidence, though. Throughout my life, I've struggled to have confidence with myself. Interestingly enough, I can express confidence really well, I just can't back it up with reality. My fascination with video games is, I think, based in the fact that they make me feel confident. I can do them and I can do them well. Is that something to write home about? Well, maybe not, but the fact remains that a lot of my strengths come out when I play games. I feel like I'm succeeding at something instead of consistently failing at life. The way my brain is wired makes real life difficult or trying to succeed in real life difficult. Especially in terms of social constructs, rules, and nuance. These failures to understand the meaning of what another person is showing me hurts me a little. And when I try to have a relationship with a woman I'm feeling attracted to, I fail at that for some reason and I rarely ever learn why.
It seems confidence is a struggle for me. I have a lot of it in some areas and very little in others. I suppose that's the non-binary nature of life I have difficulty seeing. That's okay, though, right? We're all allowed to learn how we learn. I just wish I wasn't 40 and stuck in myself. It'd be great to just move on and live a little happier but I'm scared. I'm scared of facing the unknown of social nuance because I don't know how to interpret it. I never learned. But maybe I should stop thinking about it and just go with my feelings on this one? You know? I had a successful one year relationship in high school. What's saying that I can't do it now? I'm saying it. Because I'm scared of something. Rejection, probably.
I KNOW you're right when you say this, but sometimes I just fail without any lessons learned. How do you grow when you can't fathom the mistakes you made or the lessons that stem from it? I'm resisting what you're saying and I think this is why.
Thank you for your response!
[MO: 1 -- Me: 19]
Day 11:
My libido is still strong apparently as I fought the urge to look at lewdness this morning when I woke up. It sucks we can't just turn off our desire to procreate whenever we want to. It takes effort to control the actions our feelings want to go in. I wonder if this is why men, as a whole, are struggling with porn addiction. We were never taught how to control, or even that you can control, your libido. One day we just had the internet and discovered another source of instant gratification that our fathers never had. Now if we want to be mentally healthy, we have to first realize that pmo is a problem, then we have teach ourselves how to control our desires. That shit's hard! Anybody who wants live their lives the easy way are going to be sucked into a dopamine-rush-addled vortex of behaviors and never really experience what life has to offer. Our society is sick and the majority don't see this because they think they're free and safe.
We're not free. We're not safe. We're not the best people we can be and the psychopaths that take advantage of our natural desires, those assholes from all major industries including the porn industry, pharmaceutical industry, weapons industry, etc, are going to keep doing it because they can.
The only thing I can do is be the best person I can be. Live a life worth living and being kind to everyone that I can be kind to. Hopefully, this journey through pmo-addiction will have the ending that I want. I wish this for every person on the planet.
Day 11:
My libido is still strong apparently as I fought the urge to look at lewdness this morning when I woke up. It sucks we can't just turn off our desire to procreate whenever we want to. It takes effort to control the actions our feelings want to go in. I wonder if this is why men, as a whole, are struggling with porn addiction. We were never taught how to control, or even that you can control, your libido. One day we just had the internet and discovered another source of instant gratification that our fathers never had. Now if we want to be mentally healthy, we have to first realize that pmo is a problem, then we have teach ourselves how to control our desires. That shit's hard! Anybody who wants live their lives the easy way are going to be sucked into a dopamine-rush-addled vortex of behaviors and never really experience what life has to offer. Our society is sick and the majority don't see this because they think they're free and safe.
We're not free. We're not safe. We're not the best people we can be and the psychopaths that take advantage of our natural desires, those assholes from all major industries including the porn industry, pharmaceutical industry, weapons industry, etc, are going to keep doing it because they can.
The only thing I can do is be the best person I can be. Live a life worth living and being kind to everyone that I can be kind to. Hopefully, this journey through pmo-addiction will have the ending that I want. I wish this for every person on the planet.
[MO: 1 -- Me: 20]
Day 12
I don't have a lot to say today other than this is the third day in a row I woke up with an active libido. I think this is normal. Another goal I'm going to add is playing my video games in moderation. A few hours a day only and the rest of the day do something else. This is the healthy mindset but at the same time, I love being in digital worlds. Why am I holding myself back again? Oh, yeah. A life lived in a video game isn't a life worth living. Why not? Who said this isn't a life worth living? I suppose a life with connection and people in it is better but in my case, I end up hurting the other people or the other people end up hurting me. Why shouldn't I avoid the pain and do what I honestly enjoy doing? I've got some more thinking to do.
Day 12
I don't have a lot to say today other than this is the third day in a row I woke up with an active libido. I think this is normal. Another goal I'm going to add is playing my video games in moderation. A few hours a day only and the rest of the day do something else. This is the healthy mindset but at the same time, I love being in digital worlds. Why am I holding myself back again? Oh, yeah. A life lived in a video game isn't a life worth living. Why not? Who said this isn't a life worth living? I suppose a life with connection and people in it is better but in my case, I end up hurting the other people or the other people end up hurting me. Why shouldn't I avoid the pain and do what I honestly enjoy doing? I've got some more thinking to do.
[MO: 1 -- Me: 21]
Day 13
Happy Sunday everyone! It's going to be a beautiful day and I'm going to spend most of it outside doing yard work. Maybe I'll ponder some thoughts while I'm at it. That's my report and I'm sticking to it.
I woke up this morning craving porn. My brain was, "hey, you know what'd be fun? Some nakedness and lewd movies. Yeah, we'd love that." My brain is a recovering addict. You must forgive it. Fortunately I didn't give in to the urges. Seems I'm in a phase where I'm gonna have to be tough with myself.
I also wanted to add... I'm having trouble reading other journals. I don't want to be selfish with these entries and I want to contribute my support for the other guys but, so far, every other guy in my age bracket is married with kids or has kids. I get jealous when I read entries of people who have "succeeded" in life more than I have. That's entirely on me, but I just wanted to get this thought out there. I'm trying to read other entries but some really uncomfortable feelings come up when I do. Sorry, guys. Please don't take me personally.
Day 13
Happy Sunday everyone! It's going to be a beautiful day and I'm going to spend most of it outside doing yard work. Maybe I'll ponder some thoughts while I'm at it. That's my report and I'm sticking to it.
I woke up this morning craving porn. My brain was, "hey, you know what'd be fun? Some nakedness and lewd movies. Yeah, we'd love that." My brain is a recovering addict. You must forgive it. Fortunately I didn't give in to the urges. Seems I'm in a phase where I'm gonna have to be tough with myself.
I also wanted to add... I'm having trouble reading other journals. I don't want to be selfish with these entries and I want to contribute my support for the other guys but, so far, every other guy in my age bracket is married with kids or has kids. I get jealous when I read entries of people who have "succeeded" in life more than I have. That's entirely on me, but I just wanted to get this thought out there. I'm trying to read other entries but some really uncomfortable feelings come up when I do. Sorry, guys. Please don't take me personally.
[MO: 2 -- Me: 21]
Relapse
I relapsed this morning. My thoughts were self-shaming and self-attacking when it happened. Why should I care about no porn if I don't have a family or a girlfriend or a daughter or anyone else that won't get hurt by my actions? I'm trying to remain positive throughout this event, but that seems tougher than usual today. I really hate myself today. I wonder if my feeling crummy has anything to do with my negative mindset. I need to think about the mistakes I made and what I can learn from this.
Thanks Monday.
P.S. Thank you, Blondie, for your support!
Relapse
I relapsed this morning. My thoughts were self-shaming and self-attacking when it happened. Why should I care about no porn if I don't have a family or a girlfriend or a daughter or anyone else that won't get hurt by my actions? I'm trying to remain positive throughout this event, but that seems tougher than usual today. I really hate myself today. I wonder if my feeling crummy has anything to do with my negative mindset. I need to think about the mistakes I made and what I can learn from this.
Thanks Monday.
P.S. Thank you, Blondie, for your support!