Feeling Bad

[Job'seyes]

How's everyone doing today? I've been reading some of the posts, and it's good to see so many men putting up a hard fight to get this addiction under control, or whatever you want to call it. It's encouraging.
But right now I'm feeling like a failure because I just looked at porn 10 minutes ago. I don't even know why I started looking. Maybe it was loneliness or boredom, I don't know. But I feel like a fucking loser. I hate myself. I wish I were dead. I'm so sick and tired of being a slave to this damned habit. Some 30 years spent battling pmo. All I have to show for it is unhappiness, misery, loneliness, and a stressed marriage.
God, why do I keep doing this to myself? My wife knows about my addiction. Still I'm not comfortable talking to her about my lapses. I even lie to her, telling her I'm fine when really I've been having problems. I'm so lonely. Sometimes the pain and loneliness associated with pmo is overwhelming. Sometimes, like now, I feel afraid that I will never move beyond pmo. Right now, I'm very sad, lonely, very afraid, and I just want the pain to end. I'm not saying I have plan to kill myself, I'm just expressing how I FEEL right now.
Please someone give me some feedback. Thank you.

 

[Onmyway19]

Fighting this vicious addiction is hard and often daunting. I've also fought it for 30+ years. You're not alone. 7 weeks ago I was in your boots. Lying to my wife and suffering PIED. There's a way out. You need accountability and support. You'll find both here. This forum has made a big difference from my previous attempts at stopping. I've found its nearly impossible to do alone. Use your resources and keep coming here to journal, learn and grow.

You came here and opened up. That's a huge step in the right direction. Extremely brave and far from being a failure. Keep going

 

[downhillfromhere]

Yes, feeling like someone is listening should be a big help. I understand it can be really difficult, but how do you feel about talking to your wife about what you’re feeling? If she already knows of the problem, maybe there’s a way to get her support in this.

In any case, well done in posting here, you are not a failure. It’s hard for anyone to go through something like this alone and succeed!

 

[Fappy]

Porn is truly a destructive little fucker, in every sense. As long as you remain a slave to it your life won’t get better, it’ll only get worse. I’ve been there too.
What’s the longest time you’ve ever been without porn?

 

[Job'seyes]

Porn is truly a destructive little fucker, in every sense. As long as you remain a slave to it your life won’t get better, it’ll only get worse. I’ve been there too.
What’s the longest time you’ve ever been without porn?

Hi Fappy, thanks for the encouragement. I totally agree with you that as long as I let my addiction control my life I will always be unhappy and without hope.
The longest I've gone w/o porn recently was for 2 months straight. That was July and August of last year. At that time, my wife was checking on me every week to see how I was doing. Having someone literally checking in on me regularly was a big help, I'll admit. But after 2 months she stop checking on me so regularly. I tried to get her check weekly like she was doing. But she had so much else going on at once that I kind fell to the back of her mind. I'm not mad at her. But there I was once again, alone with pmo, and it started to win out again...

 

[Fappy]

Hi Fappy, thanks for the encouragement. I totally agree with you that as long as I let my addiction control my life I will always be unhappy and without hope.
The longest I've gone w/o porn recently was for 2 months straight. That was July and August of last year. At that time, my wife was checking on me every week to see how I was doing. Having someone literally checking in on me regularly was a big help, I'll admit. But after 2 months she stop checking on me so regularly. I tried to get her check weekly like she was doing. But she had so much else going on at once that I kind fell to the back of her mind. I'm not mad at her. But there I was once again, alone with pmo, and it started to win out again...

Two months is great, so you think having someone keep tabs on you was the key? Why don’t you check in with her instead of her checking on you? If you report to her about it it may make you feel more accountable, and if she’s got a lot on her mind it eases the burden for her.
Check in with her DAILY, not weekly, about your progress. Keep a log of it to show her, it’ll only take a few seconds i imagine but as long as it’s always there in your mind.
In the early stages it’s best to take it daily so as to not let the mind give itself any leeway to even think about PMO.

 

[Simonly]

Stay strong Try and direct your energy to focusing on a positive outlook to overcome this horrible addiction. To reassure you, it's a battle we are all facing together, so you are in the right place for support and advice

... and so onwards we go!