This is day 6.
Found this forum for the first time around a year ago. At that time I was going through a hurtful separation from my then girlfriend of around 1,5 yrs. We were living together, planning to move into the country side together to start a new life with family and such stuff. At first I didn't realise how my PMO was affecting my relationship - through almost all of it I was honest with my GF about it. When we split up there was so much hurt in the relationship that we couldn't speak together in a normal manner. Therefore we split up and I began this journey "to win her back". After a couple of months we started seeing each other again, but the relationship was still broken even though I hadn't been PMOing since we split up. So we ended things for good.
I then decided to start dating other girls after some weeks but only non-sexual dating with the purpose of just having a good time doing activities outdoors - kayaking, playing disc golf etc. And I started seeing a girl I knew some years earlier (friends with benefits) - having a really good time. Then after a couple of months FWB I broke it off because I met the girl of my dreams - dating on Tinder. She wasn't looking for a BF or anything like that, but quickly our relationship developed (Summer/Autumn 2021). Because of COVID-19 (and her living as ex-pat) pretty much the only people we hung around with was each other. Early - even before we were a couple, I told her about my issues with PMO and how it had affected me and my previous relationships. She was really supportive. Supportive of my wish to quit but also understanding that Rome wasn't built in one day.
In the start (Sep/Oct 2021) it was easy-peasy to quit PMO. We had great fun exploring each other, so I had no sexual energy to even think about PMO. I think i got to day 45-50 or something before I decided to just "take a peek". All this time I was seeing a therapist specialised in sexual disorders like P-addiction and other much worse stuff (yes that does in fact exist). When I started using PMO, taking a peek, I was honest with my therapist, but she didn't seem to really think it was such a big problem that I was occasionally PMOing. She thought that it could be incorporated into a healthy s*x life. I think so too - for those that don't struggle or have struggled with P-addiction. But my addicted mind was so happy that my therapist legitimised my P use and it didn't stop to think even for one second that it could be bad for me.
This winter has been tough. Tough on every possible level and I have NOT been able to resist PMO as well as I would have liked to. I have been sick - admitted to hospital a couple of times, gained a lot of weight due to medication, not been able to work out, being on sick leave (with nothing to do...) on and off for like 1,5-2 months. My girl friend has been struggling too, so when I finally started feeling better like one month ago - she went into the deep. So life has not been ... easy. There is no doubt in my mind that she is the woman I want to spend my life with, but my mind has been returning to PMO to deal with all the stress we've been going through together. All this time Ive been totally honest with her about my occasional PMO. I really admire that she hasn't lost all faith in me, I think thats what's kept me floating. But I still get immensely dissatisfied with myself when I do PMO. I've been struggling with the semi-long game. I get to like 7-10 days all the time to then fall in to the hole again for some days and then back up on the horse. Do you guys think that my mind is just building up for like a week to "get off for real" when I do PMO?
But now y'all know why I'm here - again. I want to be clean. I want to take control over my life, my emotions, my energy and focus it on the things that really matter to me and not what I can come across on a screen. I want to rewire my brain to real connection instead of the dopamine hunt on various tube-sites.
This is day 6. One day at a time. Taking responsibility for my actions, trying to change my life.
Found this forum for the first time around a year ago. At that time I was going through a hurtful separation from my then girlfriend of around 1,5 yrs. We were living together, planning to move into the country side together to start a new life with family and such stuff. At first I didn't realise how my PMO was affecting my relationship - through almost all of it I was honest with my GF about it. When we split up there was so much hurt in the relationship that we couldn't speak together in a normal manner. Therefore we split up and I began this journey "to win her back". After a couple of months we started seeing each other again, but the relationship was still broken even though I hadn't been PMOing since we split up. So we ended things for good.
I then decided to start dating other girls after some weeks but only non-sexual dating with the purpose of just having a good time doing activities outdoors - kayaking, playing disc golf etc. And I started seeing a girl I knew some years earlier (friends with benefits) - having a really good time. Then after a couple of months FWB I broke it off because I met the girl of my dreams - dating on Tinder. She wasn't looking for a BF or anything like that, but quickly our relationship developed (Summer/Autumn 2021). Because of COVID-19 (and her living as ex-pat) pretty much the only people we hung around with was each other. Early - even before we were a couple, I told her about my issues with PMO and how it had affected me and my previous relationships. She was really supportive. Supportive of my wish to quit but also understanding that Rome wasn't built in one day.
In the start (Sep/Oct 2021) it was easy-peasy to quit PMO. We had great fun exploring each other, so I had no sexual energy to even think about PMO. I think i got to day 45-50 or something before I decided to just "take a peek". All this time I was seeing a therapist specialised in sexual disorders like P-addiction and other much worse stuff (yes that does in fact exist). When I started using PMO, taking a peek, I was honest with my therapist, but she didn't seem to really think it was such a big problem that I was occasionally PMOing. She thought that it could be incorporated into a healthy s*x life. I think so too - for those that don't struggle or have struggled with P-addiction. But my addicted mind was so happy that my therapist legitimised my P use and it didn't stop to think even for one second that it could be bad for me.
This winter has been tough. Tough on every possible level and I have NOT been able to resist PMO as well as I would have liked to. I have been sick - admitted to hospital a couple of times, gained a lot of weight due to medication, not been able to work out, being on sick leave (with nothing to do...) on and off for like 1,5-2 months. My girl friend has been struggling too, so when I finally started feeling better like one month ago - she went into the deep. So life has not been ... easy. There is no doubt in my mind that she is the woman I want to spend my life with, but my mind has been returning to PMO to deal with all the stress we've been going through together. All this time Ive been totally honest with her about my occasional PMO. I really admire that she hasn't lost all faith in me, I think thats what's kept me floating. But I still get immensely dissatisfied with myself when I do PMO. I've been struggling with the semi-long game. I get to like 7-10 days all the time to then fall in to the hole again for some days and then back up on the horse. Do you guys think that my mind is just building up for like a week to "get off for real" when I do PMO?
But now y'all know why I'm here - again. I want to be clean. I want to take control over my life, my emotions, my energy and focus it on the things that really matter to me and not what I can come across on a screen. I want to rewire my brain to real connection instead of the dopamine hunt on various tube-sites.
This is day 6. One day at a time. Taking responsibility for my actions, trying to change my life.