Becoming my best self

[wrijak]

Day 21
Morning post today. Yesterday evening I MO'd, after I was feeling a bit tense before going to sleep. Healthy masturbation (without the use of porn or using fantasy) always felt like a good thing to me - closer to actual healthy sexuality than to compulsively watching porn, and doing it feels more clean and almost mindful. Therefore I don't count them as relapses (same as I don't count sex or wet dreams) and my goal is to mainly go pornfree. However today I can't shake the feeling that perhaps 3 weeks into the reboot it might've been a bit too soon, and it might've not been the best decision.

I realize that even though I'm on holiday, I have been feeling a bit stressed yesterday for various reasons - I had to wake up early and didn't sleep great, spent a big part of the day traveling, haven't eaten the healthiest, haven't had time to read/excercise/journal and also been around family a lot (which can be great but also sometimes stressful). I guess since its holiday-related stress it might be easy to minimize it and I might've been more stressed than I realized. Although the holiday has been a great break, I am now looking forward a bit to returning back home tomorrow and getting back to my regular habits and routines.

Back to the MO: yesterday I was definitely experiencing some urges to watch porn. Although I'm happy I didn't follow up these urges and decided to go with a healthier option, the reason why it doesn't feel like it was the best decision is, that frankly it did feel a bit more compulsive and a bit less intentional compared to when I would incorporate healthy MO's in the past. Like my brain was looking for a hit, and I gave it to it.

As I said, I don't count them as relapse, however (at least in this stage of the reboot) it did feel pretty close. At least now I know, and for now it will be better to completely avoid MO for at least a couple more weeks.

My action plan now:

• Next time when I feel stressed in the evening I will try bringing more awareness to it, and instead of MO, I will try incorporating other stress-relief techniques - like doing a few minutes of box breathing or meditating a bit.
• Since today I still don't feel completely de-stressed (although doing this journal first thing in the morning helped a bit), I will do some breathwork, have a cold shower and do some stretching before I get into my day.

 

[Androg]

Day 21
Morning post today. Yesterday evening I MO'd, after I was feeling a bit tense before going to sleep. Healthy masturbation (without the use of porn or using fantasy) always felt like a good thing to me - closer to actual healthy sexuality than to compulsively watching porn, and doing it feels more clean and almost mindful. Therefore I don't count them as relapses (same as I don't count sex or wet dreams) and my goal is to mainly go pornfree. However today I can't shake the feeling that perhaps 3 weeks into the reboot it might've been a bit too soon, and it might've not been the best decision.

I realize that even though I'm on holiday, I have been feeling a bit stressed yesterday for various reasons - I had to wake up early and didn't sleep great, spent a big part of the day traveling, haven't eaten the healthiest, haven't had time to read/excercise/journal and also been around family a lot (which can be great but also sometimes stressful). I guess since its holiday-related stress it might be easy to minimize it and I might've been more stressed than I realized. Although the holiday has been a great break, I am now looking forward a bit to returning back home tomorrow and getting back to my regular habits and routines.

Back to the MO: yesterday I was definitely experiencing some urges to watch porn. Although I'm happy I didn't follow up these urges and decided to go with a healthier option, the reason why it doesn't feel like it was the best decision is, that frankly it did feel a bit more compulsive and a bit less intentional compared to when I would incorporate healthy MO's in the past. Like my brain was looking for a hit, and I gave it to it.

As I said, I don't count them as relapse, however (at least in this stage of the reboot) it did feel pretty close. At least now I know, and for now it will be better to completely avoid MO for at least a couple more weeks.

My action plan now:

• Next time when I feel stressed in the evening I will try bringing more awareness to it, and instead of MO, I will try incorporating other stress-relief techniques - like doing a few minutes of box breathing or meditating a bit.
• Since today I still don't feel completely de-stressed (although doing this journal first thing in the morning helped a bit), I will do some breathwork, have a cold shower and do some stretching before I get into my day.

Those are solid self observations. Stay strong!

 

[wrijak]

Day 23
Thanks for the support Androg!
Although, even while I still think most of what I wrote, and still plan to abstain from MO for at least a few weeks/months, I have since realized that I might've been a bit too hard on myself. I felt really anxious and guilty the morning after the MO.... I was feeling tense -> I MO'd -> although perhaps there could've been better options, it was still healthy and within my values -> no big deal! I do overanalyze and self-criticize sometimes.

----

I have now returned back from holiday and back to my regular work. It is nice to get back to my routines, but I have felt a tiny bit of stress and struggle today! Main reason is perhaps being overwhelmed by work and people. A lot of sudden responsibilities today at work. And also after coming home from work, I have found replying to messages from friends stressful - especially when people want things from me and I find myself needing to say no. Annoying, but sometimes have to put myself first and protect my boundaries.

It's nothing too especially bad though. I just need to learn to deal with this stuff better, and in healthier ways, if I want to overcome this addiction. Before I would use porn to deal with this. And stress and anxiety has always been my biggest trigger.

One thing I have learned over the years is not blame myself for using porn (as a child, teen, or even adult). At stressful times, I can see how it can be tempting to close myself in my room, switch the whole world off, and just drown myself in pleasure. It's a damn good way to relieve stress (or more accurately: escape it). Of course I now know it's not the best way. Might be great in the short term, but It's unhealthy, destroys my brain, my relationships, my confidence, and just leads to more stress and pain in the long term. And it's not in line with who I want to be. So better ways are needed!

The rest of the evening I will take it easy, try to stay of screens, and wind down a bit, perhaps do a meditation before sleep.

 

[wrijak]

Day 24
Feeling much better after yesterday and having a pretty nice and productive day.

I have been trying to work on my habit of waking up in the morning right after my alarm, which I have been failing with for the couple last months. I have my usual morning routine (breathwork + stretching + cold shower) which I do most of the days, but usually oversleep at least 15-30 minutes and sometimes more, or spend a couple minutes looking at my phone. Often I noticed this oversleeping problem compounds, and makes me feel worse the rest of my day. It's a problem.

Decided to experiment with a new strategy this morning - after waking up, I get up from my bed, go to my workdesk and spend 10-15 minutes on youtube or social media as a reward. I HAVE to wake up and get directly from bed though. After I do that, I get into my usual morning routine. This morning it worked quite good. Sounds a bit counterintuitive, but I realized that my main problem is that my body and mind are just not used to waking up on my alarm. I feel groggy and like a zombie when I wake up. I can push through it some days, but I hate it, and whenever I try being consistent I fail after a few days. A little reward could make it more bearable. Got this idea from atomic habits.

After some time my hope is that I will be able to progress and this strategy won't be needed. One danger I will try to avoid is that some mornings I could do it for longer and spend the morning binging, but actually not afraid of this too much - my problems with binging have gotten a lot better. Actually now have an opposite problem that I have tons of interesting and useful stuff saved in my watch later list, so thinking it could kill two birds with one stone. But I will try it for few weeks and see how it goes.

 

[Androg]

GL!

 

[wrijak]

Day 25
Another day getting out of bed right after waking up. Having the small win in the morning together with my morning routine definitely boosts my day! Had a pretty productive day.

I have noticed the lust when seeing girls IRL has gotten quite strong again (it was a bit better in the past week). Most triggering is transiting to/from work in public transport - lots of attractive women there, and I constantly find myself getting caught up. I notice the feelings I have when I see an attractive girl IRL, are now almost similar to the feelings I had when I used porn. I suppose in a way that's good, before I would be numb to it, and it's a sign the desensitization from porn is healing. But for obvious reasons it's also not good, since I'm getting constant dopamine hits, and I notice myself subconsciously scanning around me all the time, which makes me anxious. I will try to practice what I wrote in previous entry - bring more awareness to it, and try see girls as humans and less as objects with triggering body parts... but also try be more self compassionate and realize that it's normal and no reason to anxious.

 

[Androg]

Try to make eye contact and brighten their day with an admiring smile...rather than "storing them up for later use"...and all will be well.

 

[wrijak]

Day 26
Yesterday in the evening I suddenly started feeling some strong emotions when I went to sleep (I suppose anxiety and maybe some sadness). My mind was racing and I couldn't fall asleep for like 2 hours. A part of me was really considering doing at least an MO. Luckily getting out of bed for a bit, doing a meditation and deep breathing and then playing some relaxing sleep music did the job . And woke up fine in the morning.

I've been thinking why the sudden strong emotions. Could be few reasons: not feeling 100% satisfied with my job, not feeling fully confident about my relationship, also after finishing college last month, there's now a whole new stage of life in front of me, which is exciting but at the same time can be overwhelming. Could be a bit of all of those, but for the most part I think it's just stuff coming up that I've been numbing for a long time. Have been doing a lot of progress spiritually - released a lot of stuff on my last therapy session, and also with meditating and doing daily wim hof breathing, (and also with porn out of the equation) some repressed stuff are sure to come out. Which is good.

My plan now is to keep doing what I'm doing and not giving into the temptation of porn. Since porn is mostly what's been numbing these emotions all this time!

 

[wrijak]

Day 28
Feeling good, right now have no plans for most of this weekend and planning to do some reading and excercise, and work on my own projects. Yesterday when I came home I smoked some weed in the evening with my flatmate. Was hesitant first, since it was my first time smoking during this streak, but ended up being a pretty good and relaxing evening - watched a movie, then did some yoga and a meditation, and mostly managed to avoid screens before sleeping.

To anyone reading: I wonder what opinions other guys here have about using weed? (in general, but also with relation to rebooting)

My thoughts and opinions have been mixed and have been changing a lot during the past year or so. I'm sure it can be harmful when used too often. Have seen it on some friends, and have come to respect that and try to be reserved around it - now smoke maybe once or twice month (although there have been periods when I smoked maybe once or twice a week). There's definitely some level of danger involved with it since it makes things like binging, overeating and watching porn way more tempting - on many occasions in the past it has been a good excuse for me to relapse.
However I have found that the right setting and intention can definitely make a difference, and it can be a pretty powerful tool for self-development when done right. Apart from relaxing and being able to slow down a bit, I find it great for reflecting on my life, and a lot insight have come from it. Also find it excellent for things like meditation and processing emotions.

 

[Androg]

Everyone's different. If ever you notice it weakens your willpower, you'll know it's becoming a problem.

 

[wrijak]

Day 30 pornfree!

 

[Blondie]

Nice! Congratulations

 

[wrijak]

Day 32
I realized I've been a bit less consistent with my posts in the past few days, so getting right back to it. In my first post during this streak I wrote:

I will commit to this streak and start doing daily posts to this forum. My goal is at least for the first 30 days.

Now that is done. Getting at least 30 days porn-free is definitely a boost I needed. I can see now how all these rationalizations I've been telling myself while continuing to watch porn are bullshit. Sure, I have still been working on myself a bit, I didn't watch porn as often as I did in the past, I was doing fairly ok... but I wasn't really able to stay focused, I wasn't feeling motivated at all, I wasn't happy and my relationships suffered. Now I can feel the motivation getting back a bit, I suddenly feel like doing stuff like excercising, reading,.. and my mind is getting a bit more clear day by day.

But I'm definitely not completed! Now that my brain has healed a bit, the real work begins. I'd like to continue with daily posts - will try to make it a daily habit. Writing a little bit about my day definitely helps keep me committed and accountable.

One mistake I have learned from my past streak is: whenever I feel like I don't need to focus on this anymore, is exactly when I should start focusing on this the most. Last time I stopped posting daily around the 2nd month, then it turned to weekly posts, then monthly, I felt like I was already doing pretty good and didn't bother and let the old behaviors slowly slip back in. Won't let that happen again!

 

[wrijak]

Day 33
Small progress today: I was walking on the street and walked past a really attractive girl, I looked at her and didn't react and kept walking. Only like 30 sec later I realized what just happened. Few weeks ago I would instantly get triggered, would get horny and my mind would run in circles, now nothing. Once I realized I did notice some thoughts saying "I could have stared at her more, get a bigger dopamine hit", "I should at least try and remember what she looked like" - but didn't pay attention to them. Instead felt proud

Overall I have been doing pretty good with this. I've consciously been trying to look at girls around me as humans and try to look in eyes. Paradoxically I notice that when I do this, suddenly I don't notice as many girls around me that often (before it felt like being bombabrded with triggers from all directions). Of course, I don't expect to be fixed instantly (I still catch myself getting triggered a few times a day), but I can see small progress. And even though right now this feels like it's getting better, the strong lusting might return sometimes - when that happens I will just continue what I'm doing now!

----

Planning ahead for tommorow:
Tommorow evening I'm planning to go to a pub with few friends. Nothing crazy but might have a few drinks. My girlfriend is on holiday now and won't be joining, so I'll be returning home alone. Being alone + alcohol is risky for sure! Therefore planning ahead - to stay safe, I will set a reminder and try post here right after returning home.

 

[wrijak]

Day 34

to stay safe, I will set a reminder and try post here right after returning home.

This plan didn't quite work out since I arrived late, however I didn't drink too much (had 5 drinks I think) and had no problem with urges at all! Even though I woke up with a slight hangover, doing my usual morning routine helped a lot and I feel pretty good now.

Had a fun night socializing with friends, however one think it does makes me think is how much I don't really like alcohol - at least when drank excessively. Having perhaps a glass of wine with my girlfriend for dinner is nice, but when socialising and drinking excessively, it makes the whole next day suck. Luckily I have progressed a bit - while in the past a hangover would be a recipe for relapse, now my willpower has improved a bit and I have some tools to make the hangover a bit better (cold showers + going for a walk + drinking lots of water helps for me). But still, it's not worth it, and all this shit just seems really unnecessary. One annoying this is that there's a huge drinking culture in my country, so it seems really hard to avoid (but not impossible for sure, when I try).

On the other hand, it does make socializing way easier for sure. In the past when my social anxiety was strong, it seemed almost impossible for me to socialise without alcohol - luckily this has improved a lot, but still, as an introverted guy, it does help me be less inhibited and more authentic, and overall it makes it a lot less uncomfortable. One thing I know for sure is that at some point, as I continue overcoming this addiction, and continue improving myself past that, I'd like to be able to socialise with people, have fun, and feel the same authentic way, without drinking. That's one goal to look towards to.

----

Anyway, I just realized this post suddenly turned into some sort of rant on alcohol, so I'll stop it here.

Plan for this weekend is not waste my whole day today and do something healthy and productive, and tommorow I'm spending the day with my girlfriend which I'm looking forward to.

 

[wrijak]

Day 35
I slipped yesterday - In the evening I was feeling really stressed and had strong urges and I spent like 20 minutes trying to look for sexy stuff on youtube and instagram.

• The good thing is I didn't do it with the intention to fully relapse on porn, and haven't watched anything explicit. I got my porn blockers pretty tight and password protected, and wasn't planning to turn them off. I guess that because of my porn blockers, a part of me knew that I was (mostly) safe. I was telling myself that it's not a fail until I turn off my porn blockers. I also didn't MO, however I was pretty close to.
• The bad thing is that my brain was clearly craving some kind of hit, and I perfectly what I was trying to do = was looking for loopholes, and for a way so I can come as close to relapsing without actually relapsing. This is clearly not good and not in line with my values.

After a few minutes the guilt got me and I knew that I had two options - 1) continue looking for loops and after a while, with my brain wanting more and more, perhaps talking myself to doing PMO, or 2) stop now. So I stopped, which I'm glad for, however I'd be more glad if I stopped earlier.

What triggered this sudden urge?
As I wrote, I was feeling stresed in the evening. In short: I ended up going to a family gathering yesterday evening (I was origianlly planning to chill at home), but after going to the pub the previous evening, I was feeling pretty tired and had a headache (probably caused by the alcohol previous night) and my social battery ran out really fast. This led to some stressful and uncomfortable moments that made me feel embaressed and not confident in myself. I arrived home not feeling great, and I was looking for a way to escape

I am surprised how strong the urge was and how it almost "hijacked" my brain. My previous urges I described during this streak were mostly just mild discomfort and feeling like I need to relieve tension, to but not actually feeling fully hijacked like this. Wasn't prepared for that.

This reaction however kind of gives me a bit of insight to what really is at the core of my addiction = the feelings of stress, self-pity, and lack of confidence, all mostly caused by social interaction, are what mostly make me watch porn. It's not a new realization to me. I had strong social anxiety as a teen, I felt powerless around friends and classmates, and I never felt confident around girls. The only moment when I did however feel confident, was when watching porn.

Some takeaways:

1. Working on my social skills, charisma, and also working on my emotions, and having a strong frame and boundaries - should really be my main goal and the center of my focus. Since this is my biggest trigger and biggest reason for relapses.
2. As I wrote yesterday, alcohol is no good. Drinking alcohol is really what compounded into me feeling like shit yesterday evening. I don't think I will stop drinking completely and go to zero, since with my current mind state and social skills, that would just make it more stressfull. However I will try to limit it the most I can.
3. Need to be more conscious of my urge control. Stopping 15 minutes in is better than nothing, but stopping immediately would be ideal.

Edit: I ended up not reseting my day counter and continuing the streak, because I didn't relapse to porn (which is my main goal), and although it was againts my values, it didn't really feel that damaging to be honest. Will however be careful, since these types of actions could easily lead to full relapse.

 

[wrijak]

Day 37
Feeling pretty good and motivated! This weekend's mini-slip gave me some things to think about. I have started focusing a lot on planning my goals. Been trying to working on a goal setting system, where I'd like to plan my most important values and plan my following months (I have been attempting to goal-set the past few years, but haven't really been able to achieve anything, so now trying to make it more actionable - using the app Notion for that). My main focus now is on my workout routine. Also have been working on my task and calendar management, so I can plan my time better and more intentionally.

Sunday evening I spent with my girlfriend and some friends. After that we had probably the best sex in months - I could feel my attraction to her and also could feel her wanting me, and had no problem staying hard or finishing. In the previous months, neither of us were really motivated that much to have sex (mostly me, because of porn) and we had sex maybe 1 or 2× a month. Glad to see that this is improving!

 

[wrijak]

Day 40 no porn
Have been finding it hard to journal this week, because I mostly haven't been at home during the evenings, which is when I usually post.
Have been doing ok, however have been struggling with focus at work recently - I mostly enjoy my job, however not been enjoying the project I've been working on now and have been returning home drained. Still getting used to working full-time, it has its benefits (less stress compared to school, more freedom, finally can focus more on my purpose...) but also has downsides. My problem right now is that after coming from work, working out and then cooking/doing chores I find little time to focus on other stuff. But I plan to get better at this - schedule my time better and procrastinate less.
This week's I've also made a lot of plans in the evenings (with friends or girlfriend) - which is great, but the problem is the same: after socialising a few days, I feel like I miss my alone-time to work on my personal stuff. Need to balance this a bit better. Looking forward to some free time this weekend.

 

[wrijak]

Day 41 no porn
Had a really strong and vivid porn dream tonight. Definitely strongest during this streak. I woke up during the night really confused and for a few minutes I was 100% sure I just relapsed. Hard to explain, but although currently I know it was just a dream, during the dream it did actually feel like I had made the conscious decision to relapse, and after that felt a lot of the guilt and shame. Took a while to sink in that nothing happened and the streak is still going haha. For a min I was pretty sure I orgasmed, but strangely didn't notice a wet dream.

I usually view porn dreams as nothing bad - just my brain detoxing the years of programming from all the porn use. And of course, nothing I can control. Usually when I have these dreams, I see it as a sign of progress.
But not gonna lie, it did throw me of balance a lot during the morning and afternoon! Felt really groggy and lazy, almost in similar way like after a real relapse. Also felt really horny - I had a big urge to MO this morning, and when I turned my PC on to do some work, I could really hear the voice in my head, craving more of what I had in the dream.

Not planning to do that though! Have made a lot of progress and will keep going forward!

Plan today is to do some tasks this afternoon, then going climbing with friends and hanging out after.

 

[Androg]

Day 41 no porn
Had a really strong and vivid porn dream tonight. Definitely strongest during this streak. I woke up during the night really confused and for a few minutes I was 100% sure I just relapsed. Hard to explain, but although currently I know it was just a dream, during the dream it did actually feel like I had made the conscious decision to relapse, and after that felt a lot of the guilt and shame. Took a while to sink in that nothing happened and the streak is still going haha. For a min I was pretty sure I orgasmed, but strangely didn't notice a wet dream.

I usually view porn dreams as nothing bad - just my brain detoxing the years of programming from all the porn use. And of course, nothing I can control. Usually when I have these dreams, I see it as a sign of progress.
But not gonna lie, it did throw me of balance a lot during the morning and afternoon! Felt really groggy and lazy, almost in similar way like after a real relapse. Also felt really horny - I had a big urge to MO this morning, and when I turned my PC on to do some work, I could really hear the voice in my head, craving more of what I had in the dream.

Not planning to do that though! Have made a lot of progress and will keep going forward!

Plan today is to do some tasks this afternoon, then going climbing with friends and hanging out after.

Maybe the dream dysregulated your dopamine a bit temporarily, but I still think you’re right that it is mental housecleaning.