espresso123
Member
Tomorrow will be the start of my reboot (day 1)....much to say, more to come.
Reboot Journal: A path to freedom
- Thread starter espresso123
- Start date
ladysudan
Active Member
good luck!
GBS
Respected Member
Just let me tell you that the rewards are worth the pain you're going through. There will be flat moments but you can rest assured you're mending your brain. It's an unbelievable change that you will see in yourself, so keep going and do not be distracted. It's not just about discipline, it's about doing what's obviously good for you.
Keep us updated.
Keep us updated.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
espresso123
Member
Thank You for the support @ladysudan ! I am going to have to take this thing 24 hours at a time, maybe even an hour at a time. It's so humbling (actually, I wanted to say humiliating). I can't believe this happened to me. But, it is what it is. I am thankful I found this site and people are already giving me support. I hope to give back.
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espresso123
Member
Thank You @GBS. I hit a depression following joining up, and had numerous slips. But today I realized that progress doesn't have to be pretty and that if I wait to post only when successful, then I may never post.
Today is day 1 again. I am going to take it a day at a time. I know this can be rewarding. I almost had a year (not using reboot nation, but another program), and then slipped. Then, at the beginning of the year my girlfriend and I broke up, and I dove off into the deep end. Sounds naive, but I didn't see that coming. It's a long story and though I was saddened by the breakup, I thought it would be a time I could really focus on myself and do some real healing. But, I was completely humbled with being alone again, and realized a large part of my motive to overcome this addiction was for the relationship. I found myself completely left to having to police myself and do this for me, and I went right back to old behaviors, only worse. It's really embarrassing to admit that.
I want to do this for myself and nobody else. It's extremely difficult, but I gotta believe I am worth it. So after 4 months of being back in the mud, I joined this site. I need a complete reboot and I need support.
I am going to really try and just be raw in my journal. There is going to be a lot of ugly in it. I can't fake that everything is going to be Ok anymore. If I am having a horrible day, then that is what I am going to write about. This thing has taken enough from me, and not just other people and money. It's stripped me of my dignity.
I have a question. Do you know if anybody from reboot nation meetup on zoom or any other media to do like a weekly checkin with each other? I am in need of serious support.
I feel better dumping all that. Probably should have just created a new journal entry, but I guess you got the big reply today
Thank You for your support.
espresso123
Member
Thank You @TryingHarder. Day 21 sounds like an eternity for me right now. I am back to day 1 (today). I'm not going to quit writing in my journal this time. Even if I fall. I really don't want to fall though. Like, really really do not want to fail again. It's getting exhausting. I really appreciate the support.
espresso123
Member
Day 1 .... again.
I was in a real spun out place when first joining this forum, and slid into an even harder depression. But I am back, and will be posting a lot in my journal, raw, success, failure, etc, whatever the case may be. I am going to have to take this 24 hours at a time. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to quit. I once had a grasp on this, but then slipped and went back to old behaviors. This time, it was even worse. It seems relentless. I quit drinking years ago, and it wasn't even close to the cravings and compulsions I have had to deal with this addiction.
I know last time when I was doing a lot better at quitting this, I had to look at this thing like doing time. I can't get rid of any of the cravings or compulsions any more than I can control the addiction itself. So, I had a mindset that I am just going to feel it, and do the time. I can go for a walk, write music, be angry, paint, be bored, exercise...whatever. I can do anything I want to do, just not this.
Under all of the struggles in my life, I never realized that this was there, driving under everything. I really didn't know that it was my distraction that made everything else in my life more tolerable.
Well, aside from coffee, this is my last distraction. I feel like all I have left is my cup of coffee. I don't smoke or drink, or gamble, so this is it. Now I get to sit with my feelings and do the time. I know it gets better. Just need to get out of the way.
I will say over the last few months I have had a great deal of healing on some inner child type of stuff, and have taken up meditation, which I am actually pretty dedicated to. I do it almost everyday. And I have hints/moments where I can feel that this is the right path to be on. I am grateful for that and will continue to do it. But, I can't take anymore setback. I mean, if they happen they happen. I am just exhausted with this, and the more failures that occur, the more I believe that I am going to fail at this. It's like reinforcing the failure, not the success.
Brain Dump Over.
I was in a real spun out place when first joining this forum, and slid into an even harder depression. But I am back, and will be posting a lot in my journal, raw, success, failure, etc, whatever the case may be. I am going to have to take this 24 hours at a time. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to quit. I once had a grasp on this, but then slipped and went back to old behaviors. This time, it was even worse. It seems relentless. I quit drinking years ago, and it wasn't even close to the cravings and compulsions I have had to deal with this addiction.
I know last time when I was doing a lot better at quitting this, I had to look at this thing like doing time. I can't get rid of any of the cravings or compulsions any more than I can control the addiction itself. So, I had a mindset that I am just going to feel it, and do the time. I can go for a walk, write music, be angry, paint, be bored, exercise...whatever. I can do anything I want to do, just not this.
Under all of the struggles in my life, I never realized that this was there, driving under everything. I really didn't know that it was my distraction that made everything else in my life more tolerable.
Well, aside from coffee, this is my last distraction. I feel like all I have left is my cup of coffee. I don't smoke or drink, or gamble, so this is it. Now I get to sit with my feelings and do the time. I know it gets better. Just need to get out of the way.
I will say over the last few months I have had a great deal of healing on some inner child type of stuff, and have taken up meditation, which I am actually pretty dedicated to. I do it almost everyday. And I have hints/moments where I can feel that this is the right path to be on. I am grateful for that and will continue to do it. But, I can't take anymore setback. I mean, if they happen they happen. I am just exhausted with this, and the more failures that occur, the more I believe that I am going to fail at this. It's like reinforcing the failure, not the success.
Brain Dump Over.
GBS
Respected Member
Keep writing. I find the support from this forum and my wife are my main rocks. We’re here for you like you’re here for us too. Two way street man. Two way!
I can’t tell you how to get day 2 or 3, that’s up to you….but get there and we’ll hold you up after that. Reading yours has added to my resolve.
I can’t tell you how to get day 2 or 3, that’s up to you….but get there and we’ll hold you up after that. Reading yours has added to my resolve.
espresso123
Member
Day 2. Thank God.
Yesterday was brutal. I received a phone call, unexpectedly, that triggered a lot of trauma within me. I allowed myself to cry. About 15-20 minutes after that, my brain just went there. Basically the message was "This is how you can feel better. This is how you can not face your feelings. Wouldn't you rather feel excited and turn off all the yuck?". I stood strong, and once it passed, I felt so good about myself. That I had done something for me.
This is going to be a lonely road, because there is nobody I am doing this for. But that is what it needs to be about anyway. I am doing this for me today.
So happy to be on Day 2.
Yesterday was brutal. I received a phone call, unexpectedly, that triggered a lot of trauma within me. I allowed myself to cry. About 15-20 minutes after that, my brain just went there. Basically the message was "This is how you can feel better. This is how you can not face your feelings. Wouldn't you rather feel excited and turn off all the yuck?". I stood strong, and once it passed, I felt so good about myself. That I had done something for me.
This is going to be a lonely road, because there is nobody I am doing this for. But that is what it needs to be about anyway. I am doing this for me today.
So happy to be on Day 2.
Blondie
Respected Member
Nice job getting to day 2 jimf420!
Press on!
What's great about this community is that we can help and support each other. But yes, I understand your point, at the end of the day, we're the ones who have to fight and do it for ourselves.
Press on!
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Hell, yeah! That has been me SO many times. I'm glad that you were able to resist.
espresso123
Member
Day 3.
Rainy and gray out. A little depressed.
Had a good conversation with my friend this morning. We talk every morning, to lift each others spirits.
I always take a drive in the morning on this beautiful country road while we chat. It is a nice way to start the day. I'll pull off on the side of the road, next to a beautiful tree farm.
When we say our goodbyes, I then read a couple pages out of a book titled "The Brain In Minutes". I love this book. It's not too light and fluffy, but not so bogged down in the science that I can't get past the first page. It's the perfect balance.
When I arrive back at home, what follows is usually 5-rounds of the wim hof breathing technique, non-dominant hand writing, and then a cowardly attempt at a 5-minute cold shower. I bought a temperature reader that hooks into the shower head. On cold, the water runs about 56 degrees, which feels like I just jumped into the waters of Antartica. So, I adjust to about 76 degrees, and after a minute, I'll get it down to around 68 degrees, which produces a few screams and an f-word or two.
Over the course of this year, I have really felt the need to express. Many, many, years, I don't say what is on my mind, or if I do it comes out filtered, tailored for whomever I am talking to. So yeah, I scream and drop a couple F bombs while waiting for the 5-minutes of eternity to end. At some point, I also end up laughing hysterically. This comes on its own volition; The brutality of the experience making it so...
Once the 5 minutes of eternity has come to completion, I turn up to about 113 degrees and melt. I just left myself melt.
Somewhere during the course of the day, whether from home or at the office, I'll catch 10-15 minutes of Zazen. I have to believe that mindfulness is a huge component to the healing process. I don't want to live in my head anymore. No more fantasies, or hyper vigilance to make things just so with all this bullshit. The keeping of tabs on certain thoughts I think I need to have in order to be "prepared" for an opportunity to be stimulated. It's like I think I have to focus on awareness in order to be aware. This all plays out in this stupid addiction. What I know, is that I don't have to be there for my body and mind to heal. It knows exactly how to do that. Our normal state is a healed state. So, why do I think I need to be so hyper vigilant, and hold tightly to these concepts? Of course I do, but I don't need to manage awareness. I think meditation helps.
13 hours and 22 minutes ahead of me. I have already had the thought, but I also have had the thought that the energy that is channeled into that is so powerful, just think how it could be used in my life. That's encouraging.
Rainy and gray out. A little depressed.
Had a good conversation with my friend this morning. We talk every morning, to lift each others spirits.
I always take a drive in the morning on this beautiful country road while we chat. It is a nice way to start the day. I'll pull off on the side of the road, next to a beautiful tree farm.
When we say our goodbyes, I then read a couple pages out of a book titled "The Brain In Minutes". I love this book. It's not too light and fluffy, but not so bogged down in the science that I can't get past the first page. It's the perfect balance.
When I arrive back at home, what follows is usually 5-rounds of the wim hof breathing technique, non-dominant hand writing, and then a cowardly attempt at a 5-minute cold shower. I bought a temperature reader that hooks into the shower head. On cold, the water runs about 56 degrees, which feels like I just jumped into the waters of Antartica. So, I adjust to about 76 degrees, and after a minute, I'll get it down to around 68 degrees, which produces a few screams and an f-word or two.
Over the course of this year, I have really felt the need to express. Many, many, years, I don't say what is on my mind, or if I do it comes out filtered, tailored for whomever I am talking to. So yeah, I scream and drop a couple F bombs while waiting for the 5-minutes of eternity to end. At some point, I also end up laughing hysterically. This comes on its own volition; The brutality of the experience making it so...
Once the 5 minutes of eternity has come to completion, I turn up to about 113 degrees and melt. I just left myself melt.
Somewhere during the course of the day, whether from home or at the office, I'll catch 10-15 minutes of Zazen. I have to believe that mindfulness is a huge component to the healing process. I don't want to live in my head anymore. No more fantasies, or hyper vigilance to make things just so with all this bullshit. The keeping of tabs on certain thoughts I think I need to have in order to be "prepared" for an opportunity to be stimulated. It's like I think I have to focus on awareness in order to be aware. This all plays out in this stupid addiction. What I know, is that I don't have to be there for my body and mind to heal. It knows exactly how to do that. Our normal state is a healed state. So, why do I think I need to be so hyper vigilant, and hold tightly to these concepts? Of course I do, but I don't need to manage awareness. I think meditation helps.
13 hours and 22 minutes ahead of me. I have already had the thought, but I also have had the thought that the energy that is channeled into that is so powerful, just think how it could be used in my life. That's encouraging.
espresso123
Member
Ok, I actually wasn't timing this....but....
It's midnight, meaning this is the start of Day 4, meaning I made it through Day 3. Yay!
I had a long emotional conversation with my ex tonight. We are both still pretty injured from the breakup, but I suppose we are mature enough that we can talk as things come up and feelings need to be expressed.
We broke up at the beginning of the year. I hit a real low after that, and actually ended up in a 12-step program, called ACA. I'm not going to do a deep dive into that, but let's just say I grew up in a toxic alcoholic household, and it has shown it's ugly face in practically every relationship I have ever been in.
A lot of anger and intimidation growing up from an alcoholic father, led me down this path where I struggle big time with standing up for myself, setting boundaries, and just overall being true to myself and my feelings.
It's been coming from a very deep place, but I think the cork just popped off sometime over the last couple months, and so much anger has been coming out of me. It's a good thing.
Anyway, the conversation tonight was actually really healing for myself. I was completely honest about how I felt in our relationship, and the anger I had towards my partner. And she was able to openly communicate with me about her feelings...
The point of this journal entry isn't really about the relationship, more than it is about the open communication and my feelings that I expressed honestly. When I got off the phone, the urge to go look at Porn, or do something even worse, (porn eventually wasn't enough so I took it to the next level because that is the progression of any addiction) was gone and the thought of it repulsed me.
I guess my point is that I practiced honesty and not altering the communication with how I felt, to another person. Now I don't have anything left inside of me, or regrets. I got to be honest and got it all out, and I feel better. Seems like this is another piece of the puzzle. I think the result of not stuffing my feelings led me to another successful day.
I am super tired. I probably won't even remember that I wrote this journal entry until I sign back on later today. Hopefully I won't read this and feel super corny about it.
Cheers
It's midnight, meaning this is the start of Day 4, meaning I made it through Day 3. Yay!
I had a long emotional conversation with my ex tonight. We are both still pretty injured from the breakup, but I suppose we are mature enough that we can talk as things come up and feelings need to be expressed.
We broke up at the beginning of the year. I hit a real low after that, and actually ended up in a 12-step program, called ACA. I'm not going to do a deep dive into that, but let's just say I grew up in a toxic alcoholic household, and it has shown it's ugly face in practically every relationship I have ever been in.
A lot of anger and intimidation growing up from an alcoholic father, led me down this path where I struggle big time with standing up for myself, setting boundaries, and just overall being true to myself and my feelings.
It's been coming from a very deep place, but I think the cork just popped off sometime over the last couple months, and so much anger has been coming out of me. It's a good thing.
Anyway, the conversation tonight was actually really healing for myself. I was completely honest about how I felt in our relationship, and the anger I had towards my partner. And she was able to openly communicate with me about her feelings...
The point of this journal entry isn't really about the relationship, more than it is about the open communication and my feelings that I expressed honestly. When I got off the phone, the urge to go look at Porn, or do something even worse, (porn eventually wasn't enough so I took it to the next level because that is the progression of any addiction) was gone and the thought of it repulsed me.
I guess my point is that I practiced honesty and not altering the communication with how I felt, to another person. Now I don't have anything left inside of me, or regrets. I got to be honest and got it all out, and I feel better. Seems like this is another piece of the puzzle. I think the result of not stuffing my feelings led me to another successful day.
I am super tired. I probably won't even remember that I wrote this journal entry until I sign back on later today. Hopefully I won't read this and feel super corny about it.
Cheers
espresso123
Member
Day 4.
Good conversation in the morning with my friend, some good journalling, and now working. I'm interested in the work I am doing and feeling productive.
Something I noticed about this addiction, is that the quicker I can change the direction of my though or action, the quicker the urge goes away. For example, yesterday, there was an urge mid-day. It was around the same time that I was preparing to go exercise. I didn't give the urge any power. I didn't necessarily try to control or fight it. On the drive over, I realized how much I was looking forward to exercising. By the time I showed up at the gym, the urge had dissipated.
The lesson is to not sit in it too long, or try to out think it...change directions....and for god's sake, give myself permission to participate in my life. I don't know why I always get this attitude of being super disciplined, conservative, etc, whatever you wanna call it, when I reboot. That seems way too adult. Go out and have some fun, do whatever, go shopping, exercise, play music, grab a milkshake, or whatever...just because I am in a reboot doesn't mean that I need to pay penance and bow out. Give myself permission to live for god's sake. Dance in the rain if that is what I wanna do. Recovery is a creative process. Too much logic. Too much prefrontal cortex can smother this entire process. Boredom and hyper focus is not the point. The fire needs oxygen so breathe.
Good conversation in the morning with my friend, some good journalling, and now working. I'm interested in the work I am doing and feeling productive.
Something I noticed about this addiction, is that the quicker I can change the direction of my though or action, the quicker the urge goes away. For example, yesterday, there was an urge mid-day. It was around the same time that I was preparing to go exercise. I didn't give the urge any power. I didn't necessarily try to control or fight it. On the drive over, I realized how much I was looking forward to exercising. By the time I showed up at the gym, the urge had dissipated.
The lesson is to not sit in it too long, or try to out think it...change directions....and for god's sake, give myself permission to participate in my life. I don't know why I always get this attitude of being super disciplined, conservative, etc, whatever you wanna call it, when I reboot. That seems way too adult. Go out and have some fun, do whatever, go shopping, exercise, play music, grab a milkshake, or whatever...just because I am in a reboot doesn't mean that I need to pay penance and bow out. Give myself permission to live for god's sake. Dance in the rain if that is what I wanna do. Recovery is a creative process. Too much logic. Too much prefrontal cortex can smother this entire process. Boredom and hyper focus is not the point. The fire needs oxygen so breathe.
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TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Once you let those complicated emotions out, it's a relief. And you also have my permission to live for god's sake!
espresso123
Member
Good f**n God. This thing can change in a blink of an eye. I am going to make it through Day 4, but man, from about 3pm on, it got really tough.
I was over at a friends house. We like to meditate and talk philosophy and so forth. Just kind of a fun thing we do from time to time. Well, I left his house feeling great, and the feeling great is what led me to seriously wanting to dive in head first. Sometimes it just feels like you can't win for trying. If you feel down, boom...let's dive off into some porn...if you feel good....boom....let's reward ourself with porn. I felt so trapped until about now. I did a ton of exercise, drew up an epsom salt bath and just soaked and zoned out, now I am finally relaxing on my awesome couch (it really is an awesome couch. haha. I seriously love this couch. Lol) under the comforts of a blanket and reading some other peoples posts, choosing to support some other people, and now I am entering my closure to this day.
I had a friend, who since has passed on, that used to say "F**k me if I can't take a joke", well "F**k me if I can't take a joke", because the last half of this day, it appears the joke was on me. I dunno, I gotta have some levity about this whole thing. But make no mistake, I take this serious. I have too. It has hurt people in my life, and has hurt me. Pretty much stripped me of my dignity and integrity. My word doesn't mean anything to a couple people in my life that I have hurt as a result of this addiction. So yeah, I take it serious, but sometimes I just gotta use my friend's statement about the joke being on me.
It's just part of the ride. I do know that. I have went through this once before, and it's a god damn roller coaster ride for sure. I can feel completely indestructible at 8am, and by noon, I have turned into a Wolfman.
It feels good to finally be able to just veg out on this forum. I know it's just text and we are all super duper anonymous (as it should be), but it's really one of the few things I have right now, and I will take it.
Thank you to everybody who has gave me the support through taking the time to notice my entries and give me a like or a reply. It helps, I can tell you that.
I'll make it through Day 4. It doesn't feel very pretty, and actually the addict tries to tells me what a shitty job I did today, and I"m not really sober from this addiction because of all the toxic thoughts and temptations of the day. But it's like f**k you Mr. addiction. I made it through the day and that really is all that counts right now, so I am not going to buy into the shame, which is what you would like me to do.
"I don't have to be happy right now, but I do need to be sober. That is all that matters today. All things good will follow."
Since January, I don't think I have made it 10 days. I think once I might have touched the crest of 7 days. So, 10 days is looking pretty good about now. Tomorrow will be day 5. I go out of town tomorrow and spend the weekend with a friend fishing out in his boat, which will get me to Sunday (Day 7). The drive home will be the worst temptation of the weekend (I tend to enjoy using my phone while I drive to peruse the porn, and I also have many old haunts along the way, that my car would like to pull into). So, I'll be making a couple phone calls to a couple friends to visit my way back home and keep myself out of any trouble.
In need of the food. Good night to Day 4.
I was over at a friends house. We like to meditate and talk philosophy and so forth. Just kind of a fun thing we do from time to time. Well, I left his house feeling great, and the feeling great is what led me to seriously wanting to dive in head first. Sometimes it just feels like you can't win for trying. If you feel down, boom...let's dive off into some porn...if you feel good....boom....let's reward ourself with porn. I felt so trapped until about now. I did a ton of exercise, drew up an epsom salt bath and just soaked and zoned out, now I am finally relaxing on my awesome couch (it really is an awesome couch. haha. I seriously love this couch. Lol) under the comforts of a blanket and reading some other peoples posts, choosing to support some other people, and now I am entering my closure to this day.
I had a friend, who since has passed on, that used to say "F**k me if I can't take a joke", well "F**k me if I can't take a joke", because the last half of this day, it appears the joke was on me. I dunno, I gotta have some levity about this whole thing. But make no mistake, I take this serious. I have too. It has hurt people in my life, and has hurt me. Pretty much stripped me of my dignity and integrity. My word doesn't mean anything to a couple people in my life that I have hurt as a result of this addiction. So yeah, I take it serious, but sometimes I just gotta use my friend's statement about the joke being on me.
It's just part of the ride. I do know that. I have went through this once before, and it's a god damn roller coaster ride for sure. I can feel completely indestructible at 8am, and by noon, I have turned into a Wolfman.
It feels good to finally be able to just veg out on this forum. I know it's just text and we are all super duper anonymous (as it should be), but it's really one of the few things I have right now, and I will take it.
Thank you to everybody who has gave me the support through taking the time to notice my entries and give me a like or a reply. It helps, I can tell you that.
I'll make it through Day 4. It doesn't feel very pretty, and actually the addict tries to tells me what a shitty job I did today, and I"m not really sober from this addiction because of all the toxic thoughts and temptations of the day. But it's like f**k you Mr. addiction. I made it through the day and that really is all that counts right now, so I am not going to buy into the shame, which is what you would like me to do.
"I don't have to be happy right now, but I do need to be sober. That is all that matters today. All things good will follow."
Since January, I don't think I have made it 10 days. I think once I might have touched the crest of 7 days. So, 10 days is looking pretty good about now. Tomorrow will be day 5. I go out of town tomorrow and spend the weekend with a friend fishing out in his boat, which will get me to Sunday (Day 7). The drive home will be the worst temptation of the weekend (I tend to enjoy using my phone while I drive to peruse the porn, and I also have many old haunts along the way, that my car would like to pull into). So, I'll be making a couple phone calls to a couple friends to visit my way back home and keep myself out of any trouble.
In need of the food. Good night to Day 4.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Good luck and for crying out loud, keep the phone off while you drive!
espresso123
Member
A very good idea! I think I will do that.