The Worst Part Of My Addiction

WoundedSparrow

Active Member
Porn addiction has caused me no shortage of pain over the years. I've said and done things I'm horribly ashamed of because of the mindset it puts me in. I've suffered literal mental breakdowns because of the heightened anxiety. Times when I was an emotional wreck for weeks on end feeling like I'd never be happy again. I've done things sexually with random girls I neither knew nor cared about because my mind turned me into a pleasure-seeking zombie. But I think there's one affliction that tops all of them.

I've had pretty prominent OCD since I was a child. Obsessive compulsions, thoughts, rituals, etc. Over the last 8ish years I've been an addict, my obsessive-compulsive thoughts have increased and are often sexual in nature, much to my horror and despair. The trouble is that once my mind gets into a pattern, it sticks. So if I have a particular sexual thought about, for example, a family member, it's entirely possible that my mind will get hung up on it and every time I see or think about the person, the OCD kicks in and I think a sexual thought that greatly discomforts me. It happens all the time and there's no limits. I am not incestuous, nor am I gay, a pedophile, a zoophile, or anything else of the sort. But I've had thoughts that manifest in those ways. Intrusive, terrible thoughts that develop into patterns that sit in my mind for years on end.

I am tormented by them endlessly. I know that they aren't real and they mean nothing, but I can't shake them. When I go on a sobriety streak, the thoughts and impulses are much less prevalent, but some of the deeper thought patterns still rear their ugly head. Has anyone who has been in a similar situation been able to break out mentally? Condition yourself to push these thoughts out? I guess I'm wondering if there's such a thing as self-cognitive behavioral therapy. I don't want to be haunted by these phantoms forever. Any insight would be appreciated.
 
I also struggle with OCD. It seriously manifested itself with my porn addiction: I would collect photo sets of favourite girls, organize them, renumber the photos so the slideshow would show me exactly what I wanted, download videos and edit them, and other creepy things.

Porn addiction is often about control and having your way, just like an OCD. @WoundedSparrow, perhaps this family member has upset you in some way, and it's manifesting itself in these unpleasant ideas. It's happened to me in the past where I've gone looking for a certain type of girl in porn-land, and then realized oh god, I'm looking for someone who looks like a co-worker I'm having difficulty with. My conscious desire to solve a problem at work manifests in subconscious sleazy sexual ideas. o_O

One thing a psychologist taught me might be useful. Clear your mind and then imagine yourself inside your head as an emotions inspector. Your job is to inspect emotions and ideas as they come down a conveyor belt. You don't experience these emotions, and you don't think these thoughts. Your job is to neutrally inspect them and figure out what they mean. This has helped me a lot!

It's easy to play armchair psychologist, but those are my insights dealing with the twin troubles of a porn addiction and OCD. If these ideas greatly discomfort you, that's probably a good sign.
 
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Qwertyxyz

Member
Porn addiction has caused me no shortage of pain over the years. I've said and done things I'm horribly ashamed of because of the mindset it puts me in. I've suffered literal mental breakdowns because of the heightened anxiety. Times when I was an emotional wreck for weeks on end feeling like I'd never be happy again. I've done things sexually with random girls I neither knew nor cared about because my mind turned me into a pleasure-seeking zombie. But I think there's one affliction that tops all of them.

I've had pretty prominent OCD since I was a child. Obsessive compulsions, thoughts, rituals, etc. Over the last 8ish years I've been an addict, my obsessive-compulsive thoughts have increased and are often sexual in nature, much to my horror and despair. The trouble is that once my mind gets into a pattern, it sticks. So if I have a particular sexual thought about, for example, a family member, it's entirely possible that my mind will get hung up on it and every time I see or think about the person, the OCD kicks in and I think a sexual thought that greatly discomforts me. It happens all the time and there's no limits. I am not incestuous, nor am I gay, a pedophile, a zoophile, or anything else of the sort. But I've had thoughts that manifest in those ways. Intrusive, terrible thoughts that develop into patterns that sit in my mind for years on end.

I am tormented by them endlessly. I know that they aren't real and they mean nothing, but I can't shake them. When I go on a sobriety streak, the thoughts and impulses are much less prevalent, but some of the deeper thought patterns still rear their ugly head. Has anyone who has been in a similar situation been able to break out mentally? Condition yourself to push these thoughts out? I guess I'm wondering if there's such a thing as self-cognitive behavioral therapy. I don't want to be haunted by these phantoms forever. Any insight would be appreciated.
I can’t say I’ve mastered this myself, I’m 2 day clean after some previous success and 14 years of pretty heavy porn use.
I know it’s not for everyone but meditation has helped me, more specifically in a bit of a calm mediative state you are more receptive to new thoughts, that’s when I really try to reflect on how damaging those porn thoughts are and link a mental revulsion to them.
I’m not saying you need to be some master meditator just that linking those thoughts to damage, disgust and distress will help you not fixate on them (I relate big time). I’ve learned that recovery can’t be done by will power alone and it really helps to try to change mental associations to porn from comfort to something very unpleasant. Intellectual we might know those thoughts are bad but I think it’s about emotional knowing how toxic and destructive they are. I’m doesn’t need to be meditation either, journaling can really help link things together to, the more calm and grounded I am the deeper and more affective things go. Repeating and strengthening the link of disgust towards porn thoughts will make the link stronger.
Hope this helps, good luck.
 
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