D
Deleted member 28870
Guest
Hi all,
I'm brand new to RebootNation, but have been part of NoFap for quite some time. I'm also in a recovery organization outside of this to help me with day to day struggles and discussion.
My Story
So, I'm 33 (going on 34 in July) and I have been an addict since I was 19 years old or so. I've watched porn when I was younger in my late teens, but it really impacted me after my first relationship when I was 18 years old. Why? Well, before my first girlfriend (who I lost my virginity with), I never masturbated or really orgasmed (aside from wet dreams) when viewing. When I was with her, sex was great - I loved every moment of it and I had ZERO issues.
It wasn't until she went back to college, that actually my parents said "there's nothing wrong with masturbation" - at the time, I never really knew what that would lead to - and I don't think my parents knew either. My parents don't really understand the impacts of porn and what it's done to my brain. I also can't help but wonder if it it's also a digital addiction we have developed, along with porn.
So when I started with this, I felt fine - morning wood, and even fapped 3 times a day sometimes (yeah, excessive). And then, it happened. Sex with her wasn't as good - performance wise I couldn't perform (at 18!) and things went down hill with her and I. She found the porn I was viewing - the women look different than her and there was a fetish behind it. She called me sick - and eventually it ended.
The biggest part of that is, she told me back then "porn will fuck your head up" and she was right. I had no idea what she meant at the time but she was damn right.
So after her, I've had relations with other women - mostly couldn't perform vs a few times I could. So sex in and of itself has been very discomforting and disappointing to me - but porn was always there.
I could perform every time with porn - strong erections etc.
The second girl I could perform with resembled the type of women I viewed - and it worked. I started out iffy and then I took off and we were going 3 times that weekend.
But, this was a hook up and not actually a relationship and - given that I have a lot of shame in the women I am attracted to (bigger women) I can't maintain a relationship. That attraction was always there from a young age, but even with my first gf who was thin - somehow I could perform.
I had other attempts that were weak - my erections in sex were weak afterwards.
So, in 2020, I tried to really get serious and kill this addiction. I went on a good run of about 45 days. A woman I was seeing came over and I had so much anxiety built up with her and my mom (who didn't approve of the girl's size - and just fear of judgement from others), I was dead.
Most recently, in January or February of 2022, I was out on a date with a girl and took her to my house. At night, I couldn't do it but in the morning it was just fine, but my skin is so desensitized from the constant masturbation.
Other Factors
Anti-Depressants - I started antidepressants in my early 20s and was on them for a while and just recently came off of them. I have been on viibryd, trintellix and zoloft. Viibryd claims to have less sexual side effects - but it's still got other side effects that are terrible in my opinion.
Testosterone - A few years ago I had a test that came out showing my levels at 484 ng/dl. Since then they have been within the mid to high 400s. This and free testosterone has fluctuated between 9 and 12 ng/dl. I have been told by doctors that the results are are in the "normal range" but not "optimal" for someone of my age.
I spoke to 2 urologists - 1 told me I was too young to be in his office and that since I have 100% performance with masturbation that it isn't physical and my levels are optimal. The second, told me to lay off pornography and that clomid could possibly be prescribed to help get me back into the 600 range. I'm not sure what to do there, because I don't know enough about it - and TRT scares the absolute shit out of me. One note, I had blood drawn once and was in a state of a panic attack, and results came back to a 300 ng/dl. I don't know how the fuck that happened - but it scared me to go out and find someone to have sex with (notice last girl in the story). It has recovered.
Flatline - So the thing about this flatline. I notice when I completely stop looking at porn, I definitely get a dead dick - no morning woods - nothing. That scares me.
Morning Erections & Spontaneous Erections - When I am awake in the morning, I rarely get a morning erection. Not sure if porn and masturbation are the cause or not. Additionally, I started over thinking something in the past couple years. One, I no longer get many spontaneous erections if I find a woman EXTREMELY attractive. In my 20s it happened all the time. I do sometimes feel like a zombie, and maybe its from COVID and being home working - I really don't know.
I am scared and I am hoping to beat this someway, somehow. I made a mistake and read something on a different forum (NoFap) where someone claimed that the author of YBOP made an accusation that we are permanently damaged. I get high bouts of anxiety with this - regret, shame and suicidal thoughts at times because I often think of the worst case scenario - If I can't perform and have a family - then I have failed and don't want to live anymore.
I'm at 5 days clean right now and going on 6. I've been able to handle the panic attacks recently (over the weekend I was in iffy shape) and have managed to bounce back. In January 2021, I was basically in a major depressive/breakdown episosde - as what a psychiatrist later told me happened.
Anyway, I'm glad to be here, and I hope one day I can escape this hell.
I'm brand new to RebootNation, but have been part of NoFap for quite some time. I'm also in a recovery organization outside of this to help me with day to day struggles and discussion.
My Story
So, I'm 33 (going on 34 in July) and I have been an addict since I was 19 years old or so. I've watched porn when I was younger in my late teens, but it really impacted me after my first relationship when I was 18 years old. Why? Well, before my first girlfriend (who I lost my virginity with), I never masturbated or really orgasmed (aside from wet dreams) when viewing. When I was with her, sex was great - I loved every moment of it and I had ZERO issues.
It wasn't until she went back to college, that actually my parents said "there's nothing wrong with masturbation" - at the time, I never really knew what that would lead to - and I don't think my parents knew either. My parents don't really understand the impacts of porn and what it's done to my brain. I also can't help but wonder if it it's also a digital addiction we have developed, along with porn.
So when I started with this, I felt fine - morning wood, and even fapped 3 times a day sometimes (yeah, excessive). And then, it happened. Sex with her wasn't as good - performance wise I couldn't perform (at 18!) and things went down hill with her and I. She found the porn I was viewing - the women look different than her and there was a fetish behind it. She called me sick - and eventually it ended.
The biggest part of that is, she told me back then "porn will fuck your head up" and she was right. I had no idea what she meant at the time but she was damn right.
So after her, I've had relations with other women - mostly couldn't perform vs a few times I could. So sex in and of itself has been very discomforting and disappointing to me - but porn was always there.
I could perform every time with porn - strong erections etc.
The second girl I could perform with resembled the type of women I viewed - and it worked. I started out iffy and then I took off and we were going 3 times that weekend.
But, this was a hook up and not actually a relationship and - given that I have a lot of shame in the women I am attracted to (bigger women) I can't maintain a relationship. That attraction was always there from a young age, but even with my first gf who was thin - somehow I could perform.
I had other attempts that were weak - my erections in sex were weak afterwards.
So, in 2020, I tried to really get serious and kill this addiction. I went on a good run of about 45 days. A woman I was seeing came over and I had so much anxiety built up with her and my mom (who didn't approve of the girl's size - and just fear of judgement from others), I was dead.
Most recently, in January or February of 2022, I was out on a date with a girl and took her to my house. At night, I couldn't do it but in the morning it was just fine, but my skin is so desensitized from the constant masturbation.
Other Factors
Anti-Depressants - I started antidepressants in my early 20s and was on them for a while and just recently came off of them. I have been on viibryd, trintellix and zoloft. Viibryd claims to have less sexual side effects - but it's still got other side effects that are terrible in my opinion.
Testosterone - A few years ago I had a test that came out showing my levels at 484 ng/dl. Since then they have been within the mid to high 400s. This and free testosterone has fluctuated between 9 and 12 ng/dl. I have been told by doctors that the results are are in the "normal range" but not "optimal" for someone of my age.
I spoke to 2 urologists - 1 told me I was too young to be in his office and that since I have 100% performance with masturbation that it isn't physical and my levels are optimal. The second, told me to lay off pornography and that clomid could possibly be prescribed to help get me back into the 600 range. I'm not sure what to do there, because I don't know enough about it - and TRT scares the absolute shit out of me. One note, I had blood drawn once and was in a state of a panic attack, and results came back to a 300 ng/dl. I don't know how the fuck that happened - but it scared me to go out and find someone to have sex with (notice last girl in the story). It has recovered.
Flatline - So the thing about this flatline. I notice when I completely stop looking at porn, I definitely get a dead dick - no morning woods - nothing. That scares me.
Morning Erections & Spontaneous Erections - When I am awake in the morning, I rarely get a morning erection. Not sure if porn and masturbation are the cause or not. Additionally, I started over thinking something in the past couple years. One, I no longer get many spontaneous erections if I find a woman EXTREMELY attractive. In my 20s it happened all the time. I do sometimes feel like a zombie, and maybe its from COVID and being home working - I really don't know.
I am scared and I am hoping to beat this someway, somehow. I made a mistake and read something on a different forum (NoFap) where someone claimed that the author of YBOP made an accusation that we are permanently damaged. I get high bouts of anxiety with this - regret, shame and suicidal thoughts at times because I often think of the worst case scenario - If I can't perform and have a family - then I have failed and don't want to live anymore.
I'm at 5 days clean right now and going on 6. I've been able to handle the panic attacks recently (over the weekend I was in iffy shape) and have managed to bounce back. In January 2021, I was basically in a major depressive/breakdown episosde - as what a psychiatrist later told me happened.
Anyway, I'm glad to be here, and I hope one day I can escape this hell.