"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. "
But also, how about when the woman was about to be stoned for committing adultery...Jesus told her she was forgiven but to never do it again
But what if it's not about forgiving? What if I get that it's an addiction, but that addiction feels like it is literally killing me? Sounds like time to walk.
But it's not that easy.
This man that I've been married to for 29 years is my best friend, we make such a great team, we "get" each other.
He is making, what he believes, a whole hearted effort to kick this. "It's in the past".
I've seen him change on the drop of a dime so many times, I know he is capable, but P seems like an unsurmountable habit to kick. I have read a lot of the battles here. From what I've read he's not doing what needs to be done.
He faked me out for the last 10 years.
He followed specific porn stars to the point he knew their life histories better than mine.
He even let me believe I needed therapy because I was paranoid.
I have a need to feel like I turn him on, but let's be real, I'm 50ish, how can I compete? Better yet, how can I compete in 10 years? 20 years? The young hot bodies will always be young and hot. To that end, I did point out our friends young daughters and said "better be careful, you might run into them on pornhub in a few years" - actually I even did that with a baby. We were at a restaurant in Florida and there was a super cute baby girl and I said..."give it 18 years, you might see her on pornhub". He didn't like that
He has told friends and co-workers "the key to a great marriage is sex" "I get morning sex" (apparently rare)...funny part is there was a lot of ED and no cum. (I KNEW it was a problem but when I questioned him he made me think I was crazy, and as I said, told me I needed therapy)...He's off bragging about our marriage when in his head he is married to (or at least fucking) some porn star.
After finding me curled up in a ball crying on the floor of the shower (post finding out he'd been lying AGAIN, this time for 10 years) and after reading a couple books, he claims he understands how important this is to me. He claims he is being 100% honest (yet his ipad is wiped of facetime conversations and whatsapp has been deleted)
To ME this was cheating. When you basically stalk a porn star...when you know them that well...you are more invested in them than us....CHEATING.
He does not see it as cheating.
Somehow I am supposed to believe that because he "understands" how I feel, he will quit.
He had the audacity to say "I'm not a bad person, It's not like I brought another woman into our marriage"! I agree, he is NOT a bad person, but he DID bring 1000's of women (and men) into our marriage. I was neither part of nor consulted on. Not to mention he was having (imaginary) sex with them.....CHEATING!
Sigh. Forgiveness.
transitive verb
1: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDONforgive one's enemies
2a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital (see REQUITAL sense 1) forforgive an insult
Hmm...I guess I have some resentment to release. Or maybe not. I definitely need to feel better understood (Can you actually understand someone if your point of view is completely opposite?) I NEED to know he means business. I see how real the struggle is from reading all the journals. And maybe he does mean business, but I don't think he really understands the depth of this.
Too busy and stressed with work to really dig deep neither into the full understanding of this addiction nor his emotions attached to it. "It's in the past"...For now.
And for now I am on high alert 100% of the time. I am exhausted. My heart hurts. My head feels like a volcano about to erupt.
Yet all I want is to be close to him.
29 FUCKING YEARS...
And the kicker...Not trusting him is not enough reason to leave. I don't want to be alone and I will never trust another man. What I used to take as flattery from other men checking me out now nauseates me because I now understand what is actually going through their heads. At least I know how we get along, that we work well together, and as far as I can tell, he's not a serial killer.
End Rant...for now.
Wait! One more thought...can monitoring your husband become an addiction? Not being sarcastic. It feels like panic as I dig through his shit, but is it some sort of adrenaline rush or something? It's definitely a huge issue for me right now.
But also, how about when the woman was about to be stoned for committing adultery...Jesus told her she was forgiven but to never do it again
But what if it's not about forgiving? What if I get that it's an addiction, but that addiction feels like it is literally killing me? Sounds like time to walk.
But it's not that easy.
This man that I've been married to for 29 years is my best friend, we make such a great team, we "get" each other.
He is making, what he believes, a whole hearted effort to kick this. "It's in the past".
I've seen him change on the drop of a dime so many times, I know he is capable, but P seems like an unsurmountable habit to kick. I have read a lot of the battles here. From what I've read he's not doing what needs to be done.
He faked me out for the last 10 years.
He followed specific porn stars to the point he knew their life histories better than mine.
He even let me believe I needed therapy because I was paranoid.
I have a need to feel like I turn him on, but let's be real, I'm 50ish, how can I compete? Better yet, how can I compete in 10 years? 20 years? The young hot bodies will always be young and hot. To that end, I did point out our friends young daughters and said "better be careful, you might run into them on pornhub in a few years" - actually I even did that with a baby. We were at a restaurant in Florida and there was a super cute baby girl and I said..."give it 18 years, you might see her on pornhub". He didn't like that
He has told friends and co-workers "the key to a great marriage is sex" "I get morning sex" (apparently rare)...funny part is there was a lot of ED and no cum. (I KNEW it was a problem but when I questioned him he made me think I was crazy, and as I said, told me I needed therapy)...He's off bragging about our marriage when in his head he is married to (or at least fucking) some porn star.
After finding me curled up in a ball crying on the floor of the shower (post finding out he'd been lying AGAIN, this time for 10 years) and after reading a couple books, he claims he understands how important this is to me. He claims he is being 100% honest (yet his ipad is wiped of facetime conversations and whatsapp has been deleted)
To ME this was cheating. When you basically stalk a porn star...when you know them that well...you are more invested in them than us....CHEATING.
He does not see it as cheating.
Somehow I am supposed to believe that because he "understands" how I feel, he will quit.
He had the audacity to say "I'm not a bad person, It's not like I brought another woman into our marriage"! I agree, he is NOT a bad person, but he DID bring 1000's of women (and men) into our marriage. I was neither part of nor consulted on. Not to mention he was having (imaginary) sex with them.....CHEATING!
Sigh. Forgiveness.
Definition of forgive
transitive verb
1: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDONforgive one's enemies
2a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital (see REQUITAL sense 1) forforgive an insult
Hmm...I guess I have some resentment to release. Or maybe not. I definitely need to feel better understood (Can you actually understand someone if your point of view is completely opposite?) I NEED to know he means business. I see how real the struggle is from reading all the journals. And maybe he does mean business, but I don't think he really understands the depth of this.
Too busy and stressed with work to really dig deep neither into the full understanding of this addiction nor his emotions attached to it. "It's in the past"...For now.
And for now I am on high alert 100% of the time. I am exhausted. My heart hurts. My head feels like a volcano about to erupt.
Yet all I want is to be close to him.
29 FUCKING YEARS...
And the kicker...Not trusting him is not enough reason to leave. I don't want to be alone and I will never trust another man. What I used to take as flattery from other men checking me out now nauseates me because I now understand what is actually going through their heads. At least I know how we get along, that we work well together, and as far as I can tell, he's not a serial killer.
End Rant...for now.
Wait! One more thought...can monitoring your husband become an addiction? Not being sarcastic. It feels like panic as I dig through his shit, but is it some sort of adrenaline rush or something? It's definitely a huge issue for me right now.