What the hell man. I'm almost 43. I don't have an addictive personality. I limit my drinking, I've been the DD on my own birthday for crying out loud. I've never done drugs. Tried weed when I was 16, didn't take to it. I've taken pain meds for injuries and never abused any of it. Why this? My story goes like this. I started checking out my older brother and Dad's porn mags when I was around 9 or 10. Wasn't long after that we got our first VCR. Found some of brothers stash and would partake any chance i had to be alone. It wasn't often, i had 4 sisters, my brother and my parents all under the same roof. Crazy days. So fast forward 30 odd years. I don't go too crazy, I'm a once a day kind of guy, 6 days into my first, and last, reboot. I've been married for 16 years now. Around year 3 I had an affair. It only happened the one time, but once was enough. My wife found out about it as they always do and lucky for me, she was able to live with me long enough to where we had some semblance of trust. It was the lowest point of my life, until the last few years. I never went out looking for a new affair. That was not for me either. I just replaced the real life girl, with the pixelated kind. It was great. It wasn't cheating, they weren't real. She's caught me quite a few times and I've destroyed her self esteem and her self worth more times than i care to remember. Every time she's stuck by me. The last 3 times have been the worst. I started getting a mild case of porn induced ED a few years back. It's gotten worse, but still functions off and on. I've tried Viagra, Cialis, some vitamin regimes. I've even had my testosterone checked, been on strange diets. Some of it kind of works, but until I found this group, I hadn't really put 2 and 2 together. My wife did, she's way more intuitive than i give her credit for. I would get clean and things would be good for s week or 2. I would flatline, sometimes no erections, sometimes just no interest. I would try and excuse it as stress, or being tired. I would turn to porn to try and "jumpstart" my libido. It didn't really work, i couldn't function for more than a few minutes and it would take forever for me to finish, if I did. We just kept doing this and i kept denying and lying. To her and myself. Well that's all over now. I have completely come clean with her and explained everything I've learned. It's been less than a week, but she's watched Gabe and Gary's videos with me now every night for the last 3 nights and together we have learned a ton. She still has a TON of trust issues and I don't blame her at all. I called a therapist yesterday and set up a couple of appointments for myself. I have been incredibly lucky to have my wife jump completely on board with all this. I feel for anyone that has to do this alone. It's a lot easier to imagine my life without porn than without her. Thanks for reading! Sorry if it's a little long
What the hell man.
- Thread starter AAron79
- Start date
GrateClips
Active Member
kudos man.
you may not have an 'addictive personality' but there is always something within every human we can get hooked to.
your wife sounds like an amazing woman. while you've hurt her trust she is obviously wanting you to fix yourself and sees the potential real you that you can become.
And wants to fall in love with that man all over again.
you may not have an 'addictive personality' but there is always something within every human we can get hooked to.
your wife sounds like an amazing woman. while you've hurt her trust she is obviously wanting you to fix yourself and sees the potential real you that you can become.
And wants to fall in love with that man all over again.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Welcome aboard, AAron79. This forum (along with all of the wise choices you made above) will help you beat the addiction.
Thanks man, these are the things I need to hear. It's been tough but every day does get a little better.
Thank you! I really hope so!
Hello everyone! Day 7. Came home from work and my wife had made me a 1 week sobriety chip. It sounds a little goofy, but it made me weak. She has really been diving into this stuff as much or maybe even more than i have. She has been watching videos this afternoon since she got home earlier than me. She found some interesting ones by Trish Leigh that i recommend too. She's starting to understand, and help me understand, that i wasn't addicted to the masterbation or the orgasm, but rather the porn fantasy itself. She's helping me realize that yes i did have some trauma as a child i didn't recognize as trauma. More on my 7 week struggle. I haven't had too bad of a week. Been keeping busy outdoors and maintaining a better schedule. Spending less time alone. Made some definite progress this week. Learning s lot about my self and working out my issues one by one. Still nervous and a little anxious about my first therapy session in a few days, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to it. I've been really opening up to my wife and letting it all out there, and i mean all of it. I've told her about the things I watched, the things that really got me going. I have told her about the times I would look at porn right before bed to try to get "in the mood". We've also discussed the damage my addiction had caused her. The destruction of her self worth and her self esteem. I have obliterated any thoughts she ever had about feeling pretty. Guys, my wife is beautiful. She has a smile that will knock you on your ass and everything else to match. I have made her feel like a troll because she tried to compete with a bunch of fake women on a screen. I have basically ruined the last 16 years of her life with this. But we're getting there. We are finally talking about everything together and it is working. Can't wait to make it up to her in the next 16.
Decided to take s little trip this weekend with my wife. Booked a room at the base of the Arch. Had a great road trip on the way here. Listened to some Porn addiction podcasts and switched it up with some music and had some amazing conversations along the way. The healing has truly begun.
Idesperatelylovemywife
New Member
Are you in MO?
Yep, KC area
Day 10 today gents. Had an amazing weekend. Took a short road trip and got to see some sights. Have all but completely disconnected from my phone. This forum, learning Spanish on Duolingo, and a chess game i like to play are all i do on it anymore. Have content blocking software installed and deleted Facebook and Pinterest. I highly recommend Duolingo as a tool to use to keep your mind occupied. I also recommend getting rid of any app that you use to sub with. It hasn't been a cakewalk, I've had a few urges here and there, but I talk them through with my wife and we can usually get to the cause fairly quickly. Have my first therapy session tomorrow. I'm nervous, but I know it will help to talk with someone else. Hoping to gain more knowledge. Education is the key to beating this for me. Keep fighting!
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Man, that sounds like the best solution. And you're right: knowledge is power!
Day 11. No struggles so far, and since first thing in the morning is my normal routine, i believe I'll be ok. Sitting in the parking lot of my therapists office getting ready to head in for my first session. Kind of awkward, but I can't wait to get through this. Well, time to go.
Idesperatelylovemywife
New Member
If I didn't do some plumbing in your house I was doing some ina neighborhood near you. Moved a couple hours south 4yrs ago.
Second therapy session was today. It was good. Still in the early stages and working towards a path forward. Came home to my wife a little depressed. What I did to her has really broken a lot of her spirit and destroyed her self esteem. I'm owning it now and trying to make amends. I really had no idea the affect my porn issue was having on her. She is having to relive some very painful things and it's wearing on her physically and emotionally. I'm glad she is telling me what her feelings are and the way the things I've done have put her through so i can see more of her point of view I can't go back and fix things, the best i can do is go forward listen to her, be there for her, and be a different man. Ive always sworn I would never hurt her and physically i never have, but the damage was still done anyway. Maybe even in a more permanent way. Still not having any urges so there's that. Going to do better for her and for myself.
GrateClips
Active Member
kind of in the same boat as you. stay strong. just this past week i've had a few truly depressive moments and difficult talks with my own wife, then moments where i have more clarity, and even some moments where i/we both seem to feel there's a genuine path forward.
We've made some great strides this weekend. I recommend you and your wife look up some of Sue Johnson's stuff. My wife has started reading her books and watching her videos. Seems to be helping. Hang in there.
Day 16 is almost at a close. Had some flatline issues last night. My wife was in the mood, and i was too, up until time for bed. I let her down miserably. We discussed it today. It is a trigger for her when things are going that direction and I get tired and can't perform. Not going to lie. My wife has an extremely high sex drive. We could have sex every day and she would be perfectly fine with it. That's part of the reason I used porn at first. I was trying to make myself ready when she wanted it. We've talked about all this now. It's getting better. I still haven't had any problems. I got the Your Brain On Porn book by Gary Wilson and started reading it today. Very informative. Got s long way to go but feeling good about where we are.
Didn't mean to post that short one for day 19. Been out enjoying the weather in between the rain storms. Spending s lot more time getting back to the things I enjoy and doing things with the wife that she enjoys. Haven't had any real urges lately. Not too sure about the therapy. It's like i don't fit in to the categories my therapist is trying to put me in. Going to keep going for a while and see if it starts to make sense.
GrateClips
Active Member
my therapist advocates a longer period of time before trying to have sex. i've also seen this in other resources on just plain ED, i've seen 30 days just cuddling etc no sex.
also its important to be with the right therapist. i've had plenty of therapists some bad some ok. i think seeing one that really has the knowledge of dealing with this type of stuff is important not just someone who is there for general issues.
i think the thought is we need more time to reset our brains and emotions. I know I for one do not feel ready for sex yet (and that's not an option right now as my wife is not ready for it either).
i also think it may put less pressure. you are fortunate to have a high sex drive wife though but hopefully she won't be impatient.