I started watching P at 13. Pretty vanilla stuff in the beginning. Sexy pictures, girls dancing in lingerie.
You know what happens next: what was marvelous to your brain days ago isn't enough anymore.
At 17 I was failing at school, struggling, always too tired, brain fired, anxiety through the rough, getting bullied, etc.
I've been on the NoFap journey for years. I had a few Nofap streaks above 100 days, one above 140.
I was doing great at some point. A few relapses here and there but a solid life that it didn't affect much.
Strangely, I have been off porn for a long time. Yet I still have porn/internet related problems.
In 2021 I fall in a new rabbit hole: women sell their pictures online. It's been addictive to me because I've always lacked affection. Never had enough girlfriends or love to feel normal, healthy, worthy, loved, attractive. Those women give you a fake experience of intimacy. Fake but good enough for your brain to like it and become addicted. A big part of the thrill is to look for them, message them, get to know them...
A bit off topic but it's crazy that so many women do this. Of course I'm weird to enjoy it and participate in it. Still, this is not normal nor healthy for them either.
I got jaw surgery lately. Surgery means I then had to rest at home. Not allowed to workout anymore - I was working 5-6 times a week before the surgery. Nothing to do.
Guess what happens when you feel sad, lonely at home all day, can't work out and don't have nothing to do. Relapses.
I've relapsed 1 to 4 times a day 5 out of the last 7 days. I relapsed today. I've spent hours edging.
It's not the only thing - I've also spent far too much time on screens, on the internet. The more time I spend online the more I'm anxious about going outside.
Other than that, my life situation is decent. I have a girlfriend (whom I've told in the past about my P addiction, she has helped me a lot, but she doesn't know I've been relapsing recently), I'm doing well financially, I'm my own boss...
I work 100% remotely which is one reason why I've relapsed more in the last months.
But my brain is fried. I'm not social at all lately. Since I moved in a new city, I haven't put efforts to build a social circle. With the surgery, it's worse. I look like a monkey, my face is swollen.
Fried brain and porn addiction means my emotions are numb, there is nothing that excites me, nothing that seems worth working for.
My life is comfortable but certainly not enjoyable. I have no idea what's next for me. No idea what to with my time. No impulse to strive for something greater.
You know what happens next: what was marvelous to your brain days ago isn't enough anymore.
At 17 I was failing at school, struggling, always too tired, brain fired, anxiety through the rough, getting bullied, etc.
I've been on the NoFap journey for years. I had a few Nofap streaks above 100 days, one above 140.
I was doing great at some point. A few relapses here and there but a solid life that it didn't affect much.
Strangely, I have been off porn for a long time. Yet I still have porn/internet related problems.
In 2021 I fall in a new rabbit hole: women sell their pictures online. It's been addictive to me because I've always lacked affection. Never had enough girlfriends or love to feel normal, healthy, worthy, loved, attractive. Those women give you a fake experience of intimacy. Fake but good enough for your brain to like it and become addicted. A big part of the thrill is to look for them, message them, get to know them...
A bit off topic but it's crazy that so many women do this. Of course I'm weird to enjoy it and participate in it. Still, this is not normal nor healthy for them either.
I got jaw surgery lately. Surgery means I then had to rest at home. Not allowed to workout anymore - I was working 5-6 times a week before the surgery. Nothing to do.
Guess what happens when you feel sad, lonely at home all day, can't work out and don't have nothing to do. Relapses.
I've relapsed 1 to 4 times a day 5 out of the last 7 days. I relapsed today. I've spent hours edging.
It's not the only thing - I've also spent far too much time on screens, on the internet. The more time I spend online the more I'm anxious about going outside.
Other than that, my life situation is decent. I have a girlfriend (whom I've told in the past about my P addiction, she has helped me a lot, but she doesn't know I've been relapsing recently), I'm doing well financially, I'm my own boss...
I work 100% remotely which is one reason why I've relapsed more in the last months.
But my brain is fried. I'm not social at all lately. Since I moved in a new city, I haven't put efforts to build a social circle. With the surgery, it's worse. I look like a monkey, my face is swollen.
Fried brain and porn addiction means my emotions are numb, there is nothing that excites me, nothing that seems worth working for.
My life is comfortable but certainly not enjoyable. I have no idea what's next for me. No idea what to with my time. No impulse to strive for something greater.
.
I've been at my gf parents place and couldn't meditate. I'm doing morning workouts instead.