I want to succeed at this as bad as I want to breathe

Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 36

Feeling my nerves in my left leg "vibrating" which is always my first indicator of spine/nerve issues from pushing too hard, so going to take a couple days off of hiking and walking to see if it progresses, or calms down. It can go either way for me. We're going on vacation next week, so I'm trying to play it safe, so if things do get worse, I should have enough recovery time before our trip to still be able to walk all day there. I dont mind coming home from that in pain, I just don't want to hurt myself and be in pain the whole trip.

Beyond this, though, all is well. Work is busy, but good. I got great sleep last night, and read again before bed, which does also help me get to rest better too. I'm hoping I can get into the groove of that, because I know how much value it brings me.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 41

Another great weekend, hanging with family, and enjoying time together. Also, I've been working on house things, and the place is really starting to show our style. It's nice seeing the place transform, and become more and more comfortable.

I am also really enjoying a new book I'm reading. I really haven't been a great reader over the years, but I'm feeling like I'm finding a groove. I'm reading a couple chapters each night, and finding myself thinking about them and reflecting on the message of them, after I'm done reading. It's making it feel much more valuable to me, which is great.

Anyway, it's Monday. I'm ready for a short week, as I'm taking the tail end of the week off for a quick trip with my lady, and it should be a great time.
 
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Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 42

Had some good sex yesterday, got some good reading in, and got a great night of rest. I was up early for a work project this morning, and I am just feeling great. My energy and attitude are great, and I'm just in the zone this morning.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 47

I have been disconnected from my phone and computer for a few days. The lady and I went on a short weekend trip out of town, and we stayed super busy the whole time. We had a great time, had sex every day, and really enjoyed ourselves and the people we were around. We did a ton of drinking and a ton of walking, though, so it didn't feel like a great "break", as much as it was just a busy fun time. I could use a day to unwind if I'm honest, but I need to get back to work in the morning or I'll end up behind there, and that would be counter-productive, so I'm just trying to take the rest of my Sunday to kick back and relax a bit.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 48

Slept like shit last night, and I'm sure it'll take a couple days to get back into my normal groove again. That's ok. Overall, I'm feeling good today despite that.

I am also realizing that the event we were at this weekend would have triggered me into a PMO rage in the past, and I'm pretty thrilled with the fact that it hasn't seemed to have that effect on me at all. Just to be transparent, there were many very beautiful women where we went, and many of them were damn near naked performers who's sole job it is to get the attention of men. In the past, I probably would have held onto mental images of them, and lusted after them, which would have gotten the ball rolling into full blown PMO binging. Instead, while I acknowledged their existance, and even appreciated them in the moment, that's where the line was drawn, and I say that with confidence. Even when my girl and I had sex, I didn't even have a slight thought of any other woman besides my girl, and our sex was not a byproduct of arousal from being around anyone else, it was simply us enjoying each other on our own. It just made me happy to have realized that there is some level of progress in my brain here.

Anyway, I am still trying to just get back into normalcy here. I always feel off when I break my normal day-to-day and go somewhere and throw of all of my schedules. I'm going to get back into my book this evening, and hopefully get some great sleep tonight.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 49

Feeling great today.

Some days I wake up aroused, and I just have a haunting horniness that hangs with me all day. While, I admit, this can be a distraction at times, it's also great fuel if I can find a way to channel that energy into other outlets properly. Today I'm feeling that energy in a great way. I am using it well. I have better mental clarity, I have low levels of negativity, and I just feel awesome for existing.

I really am realizing how awful masturbation has been for me in the past, even without porn. I know this isn't always fully agreed upon, so note two key words here: "for me". This type of energy would have been wasted early on in the morning if I'd have just rubbed one out. Instead, it's the driving force behind my attitude today, and many other days.

Of course, there is good and bad. Sometimes I'm just distracted by horniness, and those days are tougher to manage. I do my best to channel that energy properly, but I'm not always fruitful. I'm working on learning how to be better at that overall, though.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 51

Might be coming down with a bug. Had a ton of trouble waking up this morning, and just feel generally groggy. Trying to keep in good spirits though despite that. Not much else to report. Been a good week otherwise.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 53

I had a triggering moment a few days ago after stumbling upon something I didn't intend to. I'm doing ok, but it's bothering me that it's bothering me. I suppose the ups and downs are part of the process. It's always so interesting, with any addiction, how the smallest trigger can grow into a full blown relapse if you don't take the right steps. It's also interesting how we can learn to cope with some triggers better than others, even when the perceived severity varies. I just wanted to check in to make sure I put it out there that I was feeling more vulnerable that usual, but I'm determined to get out of this rut and get back to feeling better and confident.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 54

Checking in. Doink ok, but not great. I've been fairly irritable this weekend. I had a couple pre-planned things to do this wekeend that involved friends, and while those gatherings themselves were positive, I'm just feeling generally burned out if I'm honest. I am not planning anything for next weekend. I need at least one day of doing nothing. Just resting. Interestingly, I'm normally feeling burned out from work, and that's just not it right now. I'm burned out from everyone else. While I appreciate everyone trying to involve me in their lives, and I really do, it's just been too long since I've had time for just myself.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 55

Feeling better today.

I've spoken about my passion for hobbies, and lack of something I can work on quietly, at home, at my own pace. Something I can come and go from as I see fit, that doesn't require a huge expense to finish a project, nor any specific amount of time. Something I can get tired in the middle of and just walk away until the next day, or week, or whatever. I decided today that I was going to just bite the bullet and order a few things for a new hobby of mine that I've been eyeing for years now. I ordered a bunch of tooling and materials to get the ball rolling. The reality is that I'm a craftsman at heart, and when I find myself with idle hands, I'm just not happy. I really enjoy making things with my hands, and growing skills that allow me to showcase my passion for perfection. This ought to be a fun new stage of craftsmanship for me, that I expect will keep my interests for a good while. I am excited and happy to finally be giving this a go.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 57

Odd day. It's one of those days where I feel on the verge of general self destruction. I mean, I'm just sitting here listening to tunes, but I can't help but think about how easy it could be to do something life changing, just for the fuck of it.

Let me be clear. This is not my actual intent today. It's just a mental state I find myself in from time to time when I think too much. I cant seem to identify any actual trigger for it, it just happens. In my younger years, it very likely could have (and did on many occasions) lead to an action of some sort. Frankly, those actions always taught me a lesson that ultimately ended up positive, though I had to pick through a lot of metaphorical and/or physical rubble before it turned positive. I got sick of rebuilding my life over and over, though, so these days I just sit and observe, and do my best to make sure I don't make any rash decisions while in this state as it passes.

It's so odd to me to feel like this at this point in my life. It feels so very animal, or instinctual. Like I could literally forget everything I know, right now, and just go somewhere new and build it all over again with nothing but the clothes on my back, battling ny way through any struggle or fight I needed to on the way. In reality, I've done exactly that so many times in my younger years. I feel like I've started my life over from scratch at least a dozen times before. I'm tired of doing that, and I know it.

What I do know is that this headspace is typically short lived, and that I'm wise enough these days to acknowledge that. It's not what I really want, at all. It's just mental exploration I guess.

Anyway, thanks for the opportunity to vent. Normally I'd just acknowledge it and move on, so it's kind of interesting to actually think about it and do my best to try to explain it.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 59

It's Friday. My day is going great so far. Lots of hobby tools and items arrived this week, and I got my little home office/studio prepped for my new interest, so I'm pretty excited to tinker around with that. I expect a great weekend overall.
 
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