i-finally-made-it-here

[Insight.2]

-*- i-finally-made-it-here -*-

Yup, I finally made it here! It's been hours I've been considering opening up this thread... nah, that's only true for today... rather, it's actually been many months - and, in all truth, doing such a thing as writing in a journal that I would share with others has been on my mind ever since I first heard of the NoFap... alternative way of living - and that was many years ago!

To be honest, it is very hard for me to even write at the moment, let alone populate a mental landscape with meaningful data and observations about my own self that I can further analyze and then write about...

... but I don't want to further delay the whole process, so I'll just lay some information here :

1. Current streak
   1. No P : 13 days
   2. No M/O : 6 days
2. Some of my issues that I suspect are caused by PMO (we will see after a couple dozen or hundred of days)
   1. Going "blind" (vision problems)
      1. Nothing unusual shows up on vision tests
      2. It has become extremely straining for me to read... reading a book seems like an impossible task ; haven't read an entire book in years
      3. 'Flashes of light' around my point of focus is how I would describe
      4. Tunnel vision. Literally. But then, I have a really hard time focusing on anything at all. So I basically see shit.
         1. Yet, my vision seemed work 28 times harder when visioning Porn... ah, priorities, priorities - yes...
   2. (I'll not postpone this one too much ; I started 'soft' with the vision problems, but really, this one is the accumulation of everything that should be in this list) :
   3. Suicidal depression
      1. Yup, the quality of life is SO DAMN ABSENT, life is such a nightmare, that, well... nothing at all ever brings me any good.
      2. But I will not let this thread be drained down to Hellish lands! Bear with me :

Ok, so suicidal depression. Ironically, I'm using this (rather serious problem) as a source of drive/motivation right now.

In fact, being used to feel/live/survive so damn low for so long brings me an excellent point of reference for improvement. As in : I can hardly fall below that state.

And I observe, after now 13 days without Porn, and 6 days without M/O, that while I am feeling quite honestly extremely bad at the moment, I do not feel like killing myself. I would even add that I feel a fidgety force that is making me curious/willing to go see what's lurking around the corner... in other words, I feel a strong-enough-so-I-can-perceive-it force that makes me want to live. And become. Become who I am, free of this addiction.


Enough for tonight.


I will write more later. I am pleasantly surprised by me achieving this tedious task. I'm tackling a colossal problematic/reality here. Of course the structure will make more and more sense as I write more and more. More later.


**update : nah, I can't stop writing tonight.
I just want to clarify that I have been getting professional help, that my therapists are well aware of my suicidal thoughts, that I've been receiving, hmmm, support for many years (and there is no need to worry - just work in the good direction), but really, I believe I'm the one really who holds the responsibility/power to change things over...

I remember a time... I travelled quite extensively for a surprising amount of time, back in the early 2010's... on both road trips, the one being 5-months-and-a-half long, and the second one lasting precisely an entire year minus a day, I was practically a monk sexually speaking for all this time. I only had a flip phone, and watched no porn at all, while I might have had the very rare masturbation here or there - but it never was an habit. Had some sex but occasions were very sparse.

Well, what happened during this period?

1. So much more vitality
2. All the beautiful people I attracted!
3. I experienced realities/events/opportunities I never thought were even possible!
4. Insane stamina :
   1. (Just one extraordinary example)
   2. I drove Québec City (Canada) ==> Palenque (Mexico) in 3 days [near 6000 km trip, ~3700 miles]... I was the one driving 15+ hours a day, and I somehow also managed to learn some Spanish with the book I had brought onboard during the 3-days trip. Only stimulant used was coffee.

Ok so now that all of that is said : why did I return to my text before posting it? Well, hell, I just wanted to clarify that I believe in a me that is more, yes way more than what I somehow managed to sink down to with the years, having the hardest time even making a simple coffee, while that PMO-free me was driving these 6000 km in 3 days... !

Exposing these undeniable facts is a good enough source of motivation, and I just can't pretend that the fact that I was PMO free for such a long period of time in my history and definitely thriving more, and then coming back home to only start going down the depressive hill faaast yes sooo faaast, is not linked. Hell! I also went on a 47-days-long PMO-free streak last year. And I was many skies higher than my current nightmare.

Ok so.
I got something to work on,
I got something to work with.

Main objective : become functional again. It is possible. Let us see with the upcoming entries... H.

 

[Insight.2]

-- (post from yesterday ; I couldn't finish it on the same day) --

July 27th, 2022. I'm back. I didn't write yesterday, but it was a symbolic day for me. I'm speaking about these numbers :

• No P : 14 days / 2 weeks
• No M/O : : 7 days / 1 week

So that makes me 15-days Porn-free today and also 8 days M/O-free.

------

I want to come back on my very-incomplete-for-now list of symptoms that I started in my first post. But first, I want to talk about right now a little bit. How am I doing? How am I feeling?

To my surprise, I would answer... not that bad!

In comparison to the state I'm used to, anyway, I'm doing alright. The perspective I have on my end-of-this-morning here and now is one that is not-too-uncomfortable, and one that is seemingly... not distressed at all!. Hell, I'll even add that this song that just kicked in as I was typing these words, Sol by Solar Fields, is giving me some... pleasant sensations right now! First time I ever hear this song. Experiencing some pleasant sensations is quite exceptionally welcome right now!

** (one day later) **
I'll end this entry here for now... I had a visit surprise visit of my parents just after I had the surprising sonic experience, and this visit killed me inside... I laid down in bed for hours after, and I saw once again how I was not strong enough yet to interact with most people. Especially my parents. It will be interesting to notice how my relationship with my family goes along the way. I also received a lady friend over for the evening, and, well... I'd say the same thing as with my parents : I am not mentally clean/strong enough yet to interact with most people. It was an ok evening, but... I was still quite confused and weak. I'll detail more my symptoms caused by a... sexually-corrupted brain, thus mind, in my next posts, and this will all start making more and more sense. If your curiosity was sparked with my words, bear with me. I remember how much I grew in 47 days of abstinence, on my last longest streak... and I am determined to make it there again, and beyond.

 

[WinkTinkTillium]

Welcome @how-did-i-end-up-here. Glad you took the step and shared! I appreciated that you shared the song Sol by Solar Fields. I tabbed over and turned it on in Youtube while i was reading the rest of your post, i like it! When i was writing my entire journal start i was listening to a compilation of many of the Lord of the Rings trilogy soundtracks. Music has been a huge balancer for me. I have music for when i am sad, happy, angry, overstimulated etc etc.

Congrats on 14 days P free and 7 days MO Free! Keep it going, you've got this!

 

[Insight.2]

Right back at you @WinkTinkTillium ! It was a very pleasant surprise for me to read your words of encouragement. Glad you liked the song, and ever since I began reading your posts, I have been listening to "Fantasy music" on Youtube - and that is one beautiful gift you gave me! I had totally forgotten that such "Fantasy music" compilations existed (inspired by your share of Lord of the Rings). Hell, they are worth sooo much more than these other kinds of compilation that I grew overly keen of! I mean, this is true magic.

I read your 2018 posts, and now I'm at your elaborate post that you published today. I haven't read it yet, but I peeked at the bottom of your post and I saw that, just like I, your goal was to reach a 90 Days reboot, Hard Mode. I'm aiming for at least 90 days, for I am single at the moment and I really don't want to rush anything (still, man, I don't know how many days was your longest streak, but if your experience was similar to mine, just imagine how life will be positively transformed by then!). I also want to ban porn forever, and also possibly M/O. I mean, I'm even considering banning all kind of sexual activity forever except if I'm ever at the stage of conceiving a child. I'm that fed up with my current state.

I'm looking for a clean, clear energy.

I've been to the bottom of the bottom of the pits - and for me it makes sense / I observe that :

1. Porn use "correlates with reduced grey matter and decreased sexual responsiveness" (Your Brain on Porn, Gary Wilson, 2017)
2. Orgasm/Ejaculation empties me of my energy, weakens me, confuses me

I do not know the percentage of responsibility of porn for point #2. As in, when my reboot will be complete, will point #2 still hold true? But, for now, I'm considering not ever having sex again. Saving that energy and using it for self development only. At this point, I had sex with multiple ladies, often quite beautiful, and I've also seen all my personal skills/competences/resources fade out and away from me and leave me pretty much entirely dysfunctional... the blood tests show me 100% healthy, the psychiatrist has put some labels on me but I was never satisfied with his explanations... I mean I always was the top student of each class, and now I can't even hold on to a simple job and I can barely keep up the order in my apartment.


Sorry for the rant. There is just so much frustration I hold inside.


All I wanted to say, basically (but I got a little bit carried away by wanting to share some extra info), is that you're in this right now, @WinkTinkTillium ? 90 days Hard Mode? I am going for it, man. We will do this. By the way, you said you had music for all circumstances - I'd be curious to hear what you have for... frustration! Surprise me ^^

 

[WinkTinkTillium]

Glad you enjoyed the musical additions! Yeah i am excited to see what this journey brings and the freedom/growth/potential it brings. My longest streak was 43 days. A large number of 14 to 21 day streaks but 43 was my best.

The one thing the the last few years made absolutely clear was that Porn has to go for good for me, no matter what, even 1 more time is too dangerous and damaging.

Never apologize for getting your thoughts out or sharing. It has helped me every time whether its here or video chats with one of my friends etc etc. An outlet only helps you channel your thoughts and feelings even if you dont have a distinct direction yet. you cant figure it out all bottled up inside.

Correct i am currently in 90 days hard mode. I am at day 32 as of this moment.

Music for me brings a positive emotional connection/response even if i am experiencing any emotion. I listen to absolutely everything but Country Music (never liked the twang of that style of guitar playing haha)

For feelings of frustration or anger - I usually go to Heavy Metal/Death Metal if i need to vent that frustration
- Like A Villain by Bad Omens (metalcore)
- Entrance by Dimmu Borgir (swedish death metal)
- Earthbound by Draconian (Melodic Metal)

If i need to focus and calm down while letting go of anger i focus on entrancing beats
- After Dark by Mr Kitty

 

[Insight.2]

Day 32! Congrats and keep at it! Man you made it past a whole month already! \m/ Day 32 is pretty much where it all started becoming very interesting during my latest long streak... my faculties came back, I could even game (I rarely game anymore otherwise, cuz I became just too bad at it...) at Paladins (Overwatch-like shooter) and truly kick ass. My focus started becoming super sharp, and that's just one of the awesome perks I've got... I'm excited for what you'll unlock! Please let us know what you experience ; I will read your personal entries a tad bit later and I hope I can find some interesting before/now

Also, whaaat I mean haha heeell yeah now that's what I'm talking about - Dimmu Borgir and other bands I'm eager to know more! Norwegian* Symphonic Black Metal I would rather label Dimmu, but haha that's truly great, I'll DM you quick, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist shortly :| ! Day 10 no M/O, Day 17 no P still going strong after a dream involving police and porn... I think they were there to arrest the one playing the (VHS?) videos. Of course it was me, and I managed to trick them into not finding me. But hmmm. Interesting theme. Too bad I saw some stuff I don't wanna see anymore, but oh well. It means the fight is on. Ok, quick DM to you @WinkTinkTillium , then appointment!

 

[GeminiMan]

Great streak ! @how-did-i-end-up-here
You are an inspiration to me !

I have not made longer than 20 days in last 6 years .

My longest streak so far was when my daughter was born 6 years back
I could put P behind me for 28 days when she was born and then after got sucked into P habits and more damage again
never made it past 10 days .
I will chase you to break 20 days and who knows how longer more I may make this time !

 

[Insight.2]

Day 11, and the hope blooms.​

@GeminiMan , I see you're at Day 5. Way to go man! Things will soon start paying off more and more, and in more and more obvious way - keep at it bro! \m/

Today I'm at Day 18 No P, Day 11 No M/O. I'll simply start using only the lowest counter from now on, which is Day 11 No M/O. Of course since I've been off P for longer than M/O, that makes me a 11 Days No PMO. Which is a good and solid start. Also, in 18 days off porn, I only had one single M/O session (which explains my 11 Days No M/O), for I had become quite obsessed by anything sexual, but more especially, I was expecting a lady friend over the next day, and I knew we'd be engaging in doing our now traditional pillow fights... and I knew how much these would turn me on... so I decided to release some tension before she comes over the next day to help me not be too horny. She has a boyfriend, after all, and we're just two old friends, two old friends for the last what.... 7 years or something. Still, we do this kind of silly things.

Me and my lady friend also saw each other one week later. But I decided to hold on and stay strong this time, as my resolve to be free from PMO is indeed implacable. Same kind of agenda with her, but I was on Day 8 no M/O instead of Day 1. We had our pillow fights, and I ended up having great pain in my balls for hours... the next morning, I also developed the worst excruciating headache. And these physiological manifestations demonstrated for me once again the power of sexual energies and wirings/associations between observation and reaction. We're fiddling with extremely potent elements of our own beings, fellow abstainers!! In my case, these hurtful balls and that terrible headache, they kinda showed me that all this built-up energy would just be wasted if I decided to choose the easy way to relieve these symptoms. My pains resulted from me building up indeed lots of pressure/energy, with no opportunity for release. Which leads me to quote a part of a reddit thread, that keeps strengthening my resolve every time I ponder it out :

Libido is a precious and finite resource, don't go wasting it on fapping and porn. I didn't realise just how much i was wasting till nofap. Wasting libido is a modern luxury; most men can float through life like pieces of shit and still live to 80 years of age.

^ this. And building up and accumulating all this potent energy in our personal reservoir leads to transmutation in time. And it also fuels the reconfiguration of the brain, and, hell, the rebalance of the entire body.

So. I'm not quite sure what to think about that pillow fighting thing for now. Maybe you guys can let me know what your view on this is. It is for sure turning on big time, but last time it led to a great deal of pain afterwards haha... and, also, maybe, what's the point of it all. It's a fun activity, but... yeah. Idk. I think my addicted brain wants more of this "hot action" - the hottest I can get for now. But isn't it some minor form of edging. Might be...


tl;dr : If one of the reasons you're doing this no PMO thing is to reconnect with your partner and spark your attraction/lust to her, I definitely recommend trying pillow fights with her... once your reboot objectives have been attained. I think this activity is a major turn on and a good way to bond with a lady. ^-^


^ I wrote this tl;dr just to try and convince me not to play with fire with that pillow fight thing. My resolve not to PMO is strong, as I said, and without knowing the full impacts of this, yeah, minor form of edging? - I'd better put that pillow down.


:') haha so here are my last words for now : I feel my paralysis lift off progressively... every day, I feel a bit more... able to feel/sense even so slightly a little thing over here, and over there... I'm more able to actually do something more than... go lay down in my bed, for instance (yeah, I've been that low). I'm looking more and more to interact with life. But I'm at the beginning of it all, I know. Day 11, and the hope blooms. - H

Day 11, and the hope blooms.​

 

[WinkTinkTillium]

@how-did-i-end-up-here Day 11!!! Slaying it. Before you know it you'll be typing 111. Now it's time to ensure you forge that hope into discipline & determination. Glad to hear the paralysis is lifting and that you're recognizing the positives even if small each and every day away from that poison.

So your self reflection on the pillow fights is that you're left in a negative physical state, with increased desires. You have to answer the question of could this lead to me relapsing. If yes then perhaps only for now set it aside until you have the iron clad control of not losing the fight. If no then it seems more of a rewire activity which eventually is needed. After you give your body and mind the down time to heal and reduce/eliminate the strong neurological pathways pmo built rewiring to actual people instead of a screen is necessary.

 

[Insight.2]

I see now that all my points of reference are based on a faulty foundation.
I feel like I unconsciously let porn corrupt me over the years, to the point that the entirety of me is now... a falsity.

Yes. This is just the way I have become. I know that everything that I perceive gets analyzed and twisted by a perverted brain nowadays. The reality I see is far from what it would be for a healthy version of me.

Now as the days go by and as the counter increments, I am starting, very slowly (but still, it is happening) to have glimpses of lucidity. Now, of course the current cloud-cluttered landscape won't leave to make space for a cloudless sunny day in just an instant, but my mind is beginning to perceive some sunrays from a sky that will continue, day by day, to free and better itself.

I am. Not. Doomed.

 

[Insight.2]

I know I said I would start using only my lowest counter previously, but as I find the passing of time very very slow, I will comfort and celebrate myself for the passing from 19 to now 20 days porn-free ! And tomorrow I will reach the 2 weeks mark M/O-free and 3 weeks mark for my porn-free streak. Good stuff, man, good stuff. Don't lose focus.

I've been wanting to make a list of all the negatives that my addiction has caused.
I can list one for now : extreme lack of motivation. Profound procrastination. Everything seems to weigh 2000 tons. The weight is starting to be lesser, like 1800 tons maybe, so it's a good start. Hopefully, I can start being more capable to do the things I want to do before long.

 

[forceisstrong2]

Hey man,

You're doing great. Keep it up. I think as we start to free our minds of porn all of the other issues we have become more clear to us. And it takes work and patience and loving kindness to start getting these right too.

The very best of luck!

 

[WinkTinkTillium]

Now as the days go by and as the counter increments, I am starting, very slowly (but still, it is happening) to have glimpses of lucidity. Now, of course the current cloud-cluttered landscape won't leave to make space for a cloudless sunny day in just an instant, but my mind is beginning to perceive some sunrays from a sky that will continue, day by day, to free and better itself.

I am. Not. Doomed.

Only doomed if you let yourself and heck no those sunrays shining through are stronger than the darkness you have left behind!

It is great to hear tomorrow is 21 days P free and 2 weeks MO free! They all matter and whatever is important to you is important to your journey. I hope to hear about each day you being able to carry and balance more and more! You've got this

 

[Insight.2]

Today!

• 21 days porn-free
• 14 days M/O-free

Once again, I am having the hardest time getting started with this writing session. A couple of reasons why...

1. Fatigue. This chronic fatigue I've had for pretty much all of the last 15 years. I remember seeing (without my consent) the first truly extreme porn material 15 years ago...
2. Brain fog. It's pretty damn hard to concentrate at all when everything, including my vision, seems so blurry. My thoughts come in the form of abstract illustrations of the roughest, unclear forms. I am left to try and decipher what these thoughts even are. Naturally, it leaves me pretty inarticulate. "Fortunately", my writing is not affected as much as my spoken abilities are.
3. Fear/shame. I'll just say I can hardly wait for these to lift up as the counter goes higher and higher...

Before I proceed further with what I have to say for today, I want to thank you guys for your helpful, supportive words. @forceisstrong2 , I think you worded well what is going on with #3 just above :

I think as we start to free our minds of porn all of the other issues we have become more clear to us. And it takes work and patience and loving kindness to start getting these right too.

Amen to that. Could not have come with a better wording to express this.


------------------- </intro> -------------------


Ok so. I just want to express that I have been increasingly worried the last few days, concerning my current streak. Desire to consume some turn-on material has increased a bit, I am now tempted to go view some pictures of pretty girls. For example, today I looked at some pictures of a pretty girl that I slept with years ago. I have no desire to view porn, but I know how it goes ; looking at pretty girls sure is an open door for more, and more... nevertheless, I think that despite what I did today, I am still in control for this part.

The part that really worries me now, is... my overwhelming desire to physically release. I mean, it is hard to not constantly focus on below the belt, and the fact that I have not released for so long makes me very much... at the edge. Showering today proved to be quite tricky. In the end, I listened to my will/reason over my overwhelming physical sensations/drive, and this whole situation led me to write these words, so I did channel the energies at stake right, yet... I am left worried.


Enough for now. I expressed what I wanted to express. I now state the intention, to keep listening to my rational, conscious mind. I know the dangers, I know what to do.

 

[forceisstrong2]

Hey man,

Good to hear you're doing so good. Don't fall for the "I'll just check out these hot chicks in insta". In my experience, that's your addict brain tricking you. Think of like an alcoholic going off drink, then deciding he can handle one beer. Also, the porn part of your mind won't go away unless you abstain from looking pictures, youtube vids, insta, etc.

I know people abstain from masturbation too. But if it really gets too much, then I'd say just do it. But do it in a controlled environment (like in the shower or something). Just don't use any visual images and also don't fantasize about porn. Also, a big no, no.

You could, you know, go out and meet someone/take someone on a date. All of those overwhelming sensations are your body telling you to go out and procreate!

Best of luck, mate. You're doing great!

 

[Insight.2]

haha the power of support! I feel like I am more in control all of a sudden. @forceisstrong2 I see you are on Day 26! I'm delighted to see you'll soon be 1 month clean and that we're in this together! Your entry about the strong desire "not to let the community down" and that dreadful post that a relapse would imply like "hey guys i'm back at Day 1" definitely hits strong. keep journaling, keep counting!

 

[forceisstrong2]

Thanks man! You too.

I think supporting each other. Keep coming back each day is the way to go. You're doing great as well, man, keep it going!!!!

 

[Insight.2]

==- Day 19 no M/O, Day 26 no P -==

I made it past the greatest danger zone that I know of : days 13-14-15. I don't know why but in the past, I ended up M/O on day 12 and day 15 of many streaks, like way more than any other day. Also, while I would not necessarily M/O along to it, I would view P on days 13-14-15, for 3 days. It happened a couple of times in the past ; quite strange. It was stronger than me.

This time, I have been staying clean.

There's clearly something happening in my brain ; some recalibration of some sort. I mean. I can feel it. But I can also observe it by other ways :

1. My vision. It is still hard for me to read. But I start having glimpses of what it looks like to see normally. Like, the contour of the letters I'm reading suddenly looks so smooth and cleanly ordered, all of a sudden. The image becomes steady, stable, instead of blurry/shaky. Imagine a barbecue emanating heat. See that trail of high heat on top of the barbecue? That's what my vision had dropped to (and I'm sure the culprit is PMO) ; viewing through a trail of high heat at all times. Hence my mention of having the impression of "going blind" in my first post (also, as a reminder, I went for a vision test and everything came out as normal ; just the usual prescription for glasses). Now, really, the improvements have only just begun. I am starting to see the problem... move a little bit. It is still there, but... what I see is an encouraging observation.
2. My character/personality. Less impulsive. More control. I feel slightly less crazy. More on this later on.
3. Feelings. I am beginning to be able to feel. Like, truly feeling. I just had a feeling in my heart, one of sorrow for all the people that I know who are suffering.... it is still there, and it has been one minute. This is a novelty for me. For all these 15 last years, I had to mentally guess what I should be feeling.... so of course I'm looking forward to more true feels now!
4. Acne. I have developed some acne problems mainly on my chest, covering quite a large portion of my torso really. When I look into the mirror, I see less of these red patches. I started noticing this improvement maybe 3 days ago.

Back to #2. There is this thing called Hypofrontality that develops in the brain of an addict. Gary Wilson (author of Your Brain on Porn) describes it as such (link to the source) :

We can loosely define hypofrontality as a decline in frontal lobe functioning and metabolism. It’s one of the major brain changes caused by an addiction process.

Hypo mean less than normal or deficient. Frontal refers to the frontal lobes, or prefrontal lobes. Alternately we can use the terms frontal cortex or prefrontal cortex also. However, cortex refers to the thin outer layer of densely packed nerve cells, which appears gray. Hypofrontailty means the the frontal lobes are underperforming. Simply put, addiction-related hypofrontality is a decline in executive functioning, For an addict, it’s an imbalance of power: cravings emanating from sensitized addiction pathways and a desensitized reward circuit overwhelm the weakened self-control systems (hypofrontality). In other words – your willpower has eroded.

My willpower. Not only has this part of me eroded to a point where I am confusedly taken here and there by irrational impulses, but I also simply became a moronic idiot with time. Unable to do or decide anything. Making awful decisions, forgetting even the simplest things (let alone the more important ones), ... but this will change. After all, I did manage to obtain 3 collegial diplomas, which proves I do have some intellectual capacities. First 2 ones were done at the same time - a program with the reputation of being the most difficult for collegial (between high school and University) studies: Music & Natural Sciences. A condensed programs lasting 3 years (each program would have been a 2-years-long program by itself). Then, 7 years later, I returned to school to do an accelerated course in Computer studies (Management computing). Obtained in 20 months rather than the regular program's 3 years duration. Now, I don't think that intelligence is solely based on one's capacities to obtain this or that diploma. But I sure want to reclaim these capacities that I had, for my current capacities are sooooo much below the ones I had back then... and even then, I already was a PMO addict. I just sank lower and lower since then...

There's also another reason why I'm writing this information today. An important goal that I've been considering for my rise out of this hellhole. For my coming to life. It won't leave my mind. I'll come back to it.

Tomorrow, Day 20 no M/O. That looks nice to the eye. Out with the 10's. Bring on the 20's. I'm expecting some interesting changes. Later. -H-

 

[Insight.2]

3 weeks without M/O, 4 weeks without Porn!

This morning, something interesting happened. I started getting really anxious about some silly silly thing (that's part of my day-to-day reality/routine), but this time, instead of just going crazy thinking here and there in my head, I actually felt the stress physically. (Yes, I have become this numb and so chronically stressed out that I became kinda numb to the potentially positive aspects of stress, like increased energy.) So yes, I did feel a powerful uncomfortable sensation, urging me to move my body. So I began stretching and moving while at the computer, and then... I decided to go outside and see from closer that silly thing that made me anxious. That silly thing in question is related to an improperly closed garbage bag ; nothing too exciting at first sight, but for me it was, for I thought it could have been mine (my landlord doesn't think it's a good idea to provide our block with a garbage bin). Ok now that we're done with the less interesting details - bear with me - we're getting to even more interesting stuff than me getting a surge of energy to move my body (yes, I have been so low energy that I barely have the energy to move my body). So yes! I went out, dealt with the situation, then went for a walk... and a relatively confident walk it was at that! I mean, I was not terrified to walk around the neighborhood this time. When I would meet someone one the sidewalk, I would get energy to walk slightly faster (I'm not quite there to be relaxed and enjoy the interaction yet!), and I realized... I began feeling alive on a couple of occasions... I enjoyed the music, but... also, I was truly moved by nothing less than... emotions ! Delicate, sweet emotions... so here I was, marveling at the beauty of the day, of the colors, of the trees... then, I realized... I have not felt alive in this way ever since that morning of Spring 2015 on which I had consumed "speed" (methamphetamine pills). Now that might sound like a strange comparison, but what I felt this morning (totally sober as in drug-free and sober from M/O for 21 days and sober from Porn for 28 days) touched me in a way similar to the euphoria that has had on me some powerful drug that is nasty on the long term, but that is very efficient at providing euphoria and other elevated mood effects on the short term. Prior to that drug experience from Spring 2015, I am unsure when is the last time I felt alive at all. Very rare are the occurrences between now and 2006, when I was 15. Hence why I did consume drugs on a couple of occasions along the road ; it is the only thing that managed to give me some i-feel-alive feelings in 15 years. But I found out that while they are pretty effective to provide that on the short term, they were simply dangerous tools on the mid and long term. So I've been clean of drugs for, idk, a year and a half I think. And gosh! This journaling thing proves to be quite complex after all.


tl;dr : I felt alive for the first time in forever this morning! YAY.

- H -

 

[WinkTinkTillium]

Delicate, sweet emotions... so here I was, marveling at the beauty of the day, of the colors, of the trees... then, I realized... I have not felt alive in this way ever since that morning of Spring 2015 on which I had consumed "speed" (methamphetamine pills). Now that might sound like a strange comparison, but what I felt this morning (totally sober as in drug-free and sober from M/O for 21 days and sober from Porn for 28 days) touched me in a way similar to the euphoria

Great share H! and Keep slaying it! 3 weeks and 4 weeks hell yes! Hope to hear more about your continued to new alive feelings and your awakening of positive emotions!