i-finally-made-it-here

[Insight.2]

No Porn : 32 days,
No M/O : 25 days

Last share was about feeling alive again, for the first time in... forever.
This share is now about... stillness, lack of evolution, grayness, absolute boredom - the very opposite of what I experienced for a couple of seconds (a marvelous experience) and that I shared with my last post.

Time. Trickles. So. Slow. Now.

Progress is just not apparent in these days. Seems like I've been crossing a scorching desert at a turtle's pace, without making progress really.

Still, I'm holding pretty strong with the no peeking at dangerous material. I've accidentally encountered a couple of triggers, but I manage to not let myself become too enthralled by the sight. I have not mentioned it yet, but I think I am in a flatline phase. So while that makes it easier with the urges to M/O or to even watch Porn, on the other hand the very bland reality that I've been experiencing makes me yearn for something... better (even just a tad bit exciting or satisfying! Something at least!! You know...) but I think I understand better what is happening to me than with my previous attempts. Tomorrow will be 33 && 26. Keep going, H. Keep going and you will feel alive again.

- H

 

[WinkTinkTillium]

Absolutely awesome progress so far H! @how-did-i-end-up-here

scorching desert at a turtle's pace, without making progress really.

Well put, this is really the hardest part, striving for so much more when the only way to achieve it is perseverance to stay the course whether its through the desert or darkness etc.

Sorry to hear your feeling the flatline. You've got this though. It will only be a temporary blip and a distant memory before you know it

 

[Insight.2]

5 weeks no P,
4 weeks no M/O !!

Fuck yeah! Something is happening again... life within me begins to (re?)awaken and flourish... a certain drive is surfacing. Keeping up and not failing has been quite a comfortable ride as of lately; a strong force within me guides me towards where I want to go, far from a relapse. Feels like my consciousness finds itself lit up by a... novel lighting. It makes me begin to see more clearly. Less impulsivity. More profound/mature thinking. Interesting days. Let's keep going and let's find out what awaits me the next coming days...

*edit : I find myself able to feel proud/satisfied about me and my current situation more and more. Especially the last 2 days, I've been having the feeling a couple of times!

 

[Blondie]

Right on How did I End up Here!

 

[Insight.2]

I ended up here to go waayyy beyond what I finally learned to believe were the limitations of life, of this mind and body, with the years passing by!

Oh yes, rising up, and going for the real me, a free me, and unlock that potential of the real me and of my real life! That's how I ended up here.

 

[Insight.2]

Strange are these dreams. I may be abstaining from looking at pornographic material in my conscious daytime while I also refrain from sexually fantasizing, yet in almost all of my dreams there is at least one very sexual scene that, of course, marks me the most.

I've been remembering parts of my dreams... more than usual. This is yet another encouraging sign for me to keep going, for there is something happening, working itself in my brain - I can't deny (even when there are dull moments and completely lifeless, dull and grey days).

This morning, I woke up with a truly bothered, irritated mood. Throughout the night, I dreamt that I was being used, resulting in me being stolen from, and in me failing to my engagements (for I was physically taken somewhere else than where I was supposed to be, and I totally forgot what my initial plans were).

So yes. I woke up with a truly bothered, irritated mood.

But already, one hour later, even though I still feel... on the edge? Yes. Irritable? Hmmm... no. Not irritable. Sensitive, rather. Yes, I just had a very rare occurrence of having a couple of tears come up to my eyes, reading some of this forum members discuss about the importance of having "in real life" accountability partners and other stuff that touched me. I wouldn't know how to describe what I lived and read in any other way than : It felt so human. So delicately honest and caring. Such kind, authentic supporting words. I was deeply touched - in such a complex simplicity, in all the simplicity of a well understood complexity - that yes, I did let surface a few tears, and from that moment on, that angry beast mood I woke up with began to switch...

--------

And now, right now as I'm writing these words, I'm having tears in my eyes again. ME! Me who has felt virtually NOTHING in the last 15 years! Numbed down/closed off by you know what! Yes, I just had an experience... it seems so simple! Yet it is so rich. Ok so here is what I just lived :

I have been discovering an exceptional single that a very, very special friend of mine shared with me while I was beginning to write these first words up there... and it was a truly exceptional experience (single Tenet by Heilung for the record), and once the single ended, I looked them up on Spotify and... I looked at that "Follow" button. After a second or two, I clicked it, and it turned to "Following"... and that turned out to be a profoundly... humbling? experience. I felt so fortunate to have instant access to such an immense library of countless excellent different songs and albums and artists and collaborators and producers and labels and... yes, I felt so lucky, and I was so appreciative of all the possibilities that I can enjoy and, yes, control with a click or two! During that touching moment, I was deeply grateful for this reality that I felt with my whole being.

---------

Ok so! Honestly, I am surprised. In a good way. It seems that dull moments (like yesterday - a full dull day) happen for a lesser and lesser duration as time goes by.

Also, ... I think it is time to bring attention to a nice little moral victory for me... for I am now 30 days M/O free, and 37 days Porn free! I'm out of the 20-days-zone and I'm very much looking forward to reach that 40th day. Keep 'em coming, these positive surprises! I'm ready!


tl;dr : Mood swings. Surprising how pronounced my moods can be, and how fast they can reach one end of the spectrum to the other. Making good progress.


- H

 

[Insight.2]

Tension in my face, in the jaw, in the throat, has been increasing.

Tension is such that it makes my voice annoyingly high pitched. It annoys me, especially since I know I'm able - in more relaxed circumstances - to hit pretty low and full notes. Feels satisfying to speak in these circumstances. But these days, my throat is tight and tense and it truly hurts.

It's strange, but it feels as if the interior of my head is reshaping itself. Like there's something "growing" inside, like, … like I'm going through a second growth spurt?! I'd love to know more about what is happening to me. But the best I can do for now is to describe my own observations.

Seems like I'll just feel even more pain and tension in my body, for a last condensed period before it all unties and I can land progressively into my more "natural" body and r e l a x. I know I will reach a point where I can actually feel relaxation and wellbeing as a standard. I'm just fighting my way towards this reality.

Also!

Remarkable news! My father shared with me that he had observed that my eyes seemed... more alive. That I started to actually have facial expressions, like he also noticed that I started smiling. In other words : I am unfreezing, coming to life! And now not only me has been observing this change, but also my own dad for now... Isn't this great to hear? I was like "woah Dad it is SO NICE that YOU have been noticing this!" !!

Go go go! Let's clear these 30-something-days and reach 'em 40's!

- H -

 

[WinkTinkTillium]

Remarkable news! My father shared with me that he had observed that my eyes seemed... more alive. That I started to actually have facial expressions, like he also noticed that I started smiling. In other words : I am unfreezing, coming to life! And now not only me has been observing this change, but also my own dad for now... Isn't this great to hear? I was like "woah Dad it is SO NICE that YOU have been noticing this!" !!

This is such an exciting share H!!!!!!!

 

[Insight.2]

Day 45 without Porn. I'm now halfway through the 90 days of a 'standard reboot' period. Of course, even 90 days will still only the beginning of a lifelong clean way of living. But I'm expecting some benefits from all of this... and truth is, the last period has been very, very disappointing and frustrating for me. Seems like there's no hope. But I can't judge just yet. I have to keep going. It's just that... everything has been so grey. Dull. Lifeless. I have no energy. Naturally, mood is turned all the way off. So yeah. Just wanted to write something on this special day. Oh and also, other things happened. I'll just mention one of them for now : I've returned to the gym. It all began by a jogging session on Monday. Then, the next day : gym. Then, on Thursday : gym. I have to keep going, and it can only help with my reboot. Apart from that, I hope I'll have better news coming in soon. Later. -H

 

[WinkTinkTillium]

Congrats on 45 days H! A great start to the lifelong way of living! Excited to hear about you starting at the gym! I hope over the next few weeks it brings you a channel for your thoughts, feelings, emotions and brings you what you need and possibly things you didnt know you needed. All the best to you as you persevere through the tough days.

 

[Warhawk]

Congrats on 45 days! I feel you in the desire to see benefits sooner. We spend a long time doing the damage to ourselves, and it will likely take a bit of time to get back to feeling a truly improved state, but it will come with enough time. You're on the right path, and you're doing awesome. Keep it up, brother!