Luke1997
Member
Long-time lurker on the forum, finally signed up because I'm tired of suffering alone. Posted this on Reddit and I thought I'd post this here. I have been struggling with this issue for so long without any support.
My name is Luke, I'm 25 years old and I've been a PMO addict for 11 years. This self-destructive habit started when I got my own laptop at the age of 14, and it's been a downward spiral into destruction and failure ever since. Pornography has had a full-fledged hold on my brain and I was never aware that the hell I was going through in my real life was because of it, and it wasn't until I stumbled on Gary Wilson's book and watched Dr. Trish Leigh's videos on Youtube that it all clicked. I'm currently on day 12 of NoFAP and I was and still am experiencing the whole gamut of symptoms of a chronic PMO addiction: brain fog, MASSIVE lack of motivation, low self-esteem, body image issues (add to that the fact that I am obese), PIED, HOCD and the list goes on...
Pornography absolutely killed my self-esteem, I began to see myself as less than the performers who were having a good time doing those hot babes because I didn't have their body type. Pornography also warped my sexual arousal template, I developed HOCD and grew up thinking I was at least bisexual because I like girls but my viewing habit escalated into genres outside of my sexual orientation, but after a lot of soul-searching and a few days off porn, turns out I'm actually straight. However, it pains me to say that I'm still a virgin and never had a relationship with a girl.
I didn't realize the full scope of the havoc PMO has wreaked on my life until my reputation has been completely ruined at my workplace. Here's the thing, I work in a field that is male dominated and my team is comprised of 10 guys myself included. 9 out 10 are married with children, and the other one is a 39-year old philanderer who's REALLY successful with women. I mean, the guy is really handsome and he knows it, and he brags about his sexual hookups ALL THE TIME. He literally reports in for duty saying to all of us "why did God make me so handsome but so poor?". He always has a story to tell, has went out with a lot of girls (and most of the time the girls flirt with him first), and of course he makes the other married guys jealous of his sex life and success with the ladies. I'm the youngest of the team and all I can do is listen to him because I have nothing to add, no real sexual experiences to brag about or anything else. So as time went on, I began to shy away from these types of conversations, feeling so inferior. Guess what happens? He started harassing me, mocking me, and spreading rumors about my sexuality telling people that I'm a gay guy in denial. He also got two other guys to join in the harrassment party.
People are already looking at me differently and I became a major laughing stock at work to the point I'm contemplating suicide. I'm sure other people when they look at me as a single 25-year old guy who has never been seen with a girl, especially those with whom I'm accquainted, suspect that I'm gay, even though I'm actually not and my HOCD doesn't help matters.
Brothers, I know that I still got a long way to go until the vestiges of this PMO addiction are behind, but it's been so hard. I'm not experiencing urges right now, because I'm feeling so traumatized by what's happening to me that it doesn't even give leeway for my mind to go in that direction. I'm neck-deep into suicidal ideation, I feel like offing myself is the only true solution here because I'm such a failure of a man. Lots of people from high school are married with children, and I'm still a depressed, self-deprecating 25 year old obese virgin who never had a fuckin' relationship with a woman because I'm not that interesting to them.
It's a load off my shoulders to be able to open my heart to a community who understands what porn addiction does to our brain, even though most guys are not as much of a loser as I am. I'm feeling like I'm dying inside.
My name is Luke, I'm 25 years old and I've been a PMO addict for 11 years. This self-destructive habit started when I got my own laptop at the age of 14, and it's been a downward spiral into destruction and failure ever since. Pornography has had a full-fledged hold on my brain and I was never aware that the hell I was going through in my real life was because of it, and it wasn't until I stumbled on Gary Wilson's book and watched Dr. Trish Leigh's videos on Youtube that it all clicked. I'm currently on day 12 of NoFAP and I was and still am experiencing the whole gamut of symptoms of a chronic PMO addiction: brain fog, MASSIVE lack of motivation, low self-esteem, body image issues (add to that the fact that I am obese), PIED, HOCD and the list goes on...
Pornography absolutely killed my self-esteem, I began to see myself as less than the performers who were having a good time doing those hot babes because I didn't have their body type. Pornography also warped my sexual arousal template, I developed HOCD and grew up thinking I was at least bisexual because I like girls but my viewing habit escalated into genres outside of my sexual orientation, but after a lot of soul-searching and a few days off porn, turns out I'm actually straight. However, it pains me to say that I'm still a virgin and never had a relationship with a girl.
I didn't realize the full scope of the havoc PMO has wreaked on my life until my reputation has been completely ruined at my workplace. Here's the thing, I work in a field that is male dominated and my team is comprised of 10 guys myself included. 9 out 10 are married with children, and the other one is a 39-year old philanderer who's REALLY successful with women. I mean, the guy is really handsome and he knows it, and he brags about his sexual hookups ALL THE TIME. He literally reports in for duty saying to all of us "why did God make me so handsome but so poor?". He always has a story to tell, has went out with a lot of girls (and most of the time the girls flirt with him first), and of course he makes the other married guys jealous of his sex life and success with the ladies. I'm the youngest of the team and all I can do is listen to him because I have nothing to add, no real sexual experiences to brag about or anything else. So as time went on, I began to shy away from these types of conversations, feeling so inferior. Guess what happens? He started harassing me, mocking me, and spreading rumors about my sexuality telling people that I'm a gay guy in denial. He also got two other guys to join in the harrassment party.
People are already looking at me differently and I became a major laughing stock at work to the point I'm contemplating suicide. I'm sure other people when they look at me as a single 25-year old guy who has never been seen with a girl, especially those with whom I'm accquainted, suspect that I'm gay, even though I'm actually not and my HOCD doesn't help matters.
Brothers, I know that I still got a long way to go until the vestiges of this PMO addiction are behind, but it's been so hard. I'm not experiencing urges right now, because I'm feeling so traumatized by what's happening to me that it doesn't even give leeway for my mind to go in that direction. I'm neck-deep into suicidal ideation, I feel like offing myself is the only true solution here because I'm such a failure of a man. Lots of people from high school are married with children, and I'm still a depressed, self-deprecating 25 year old obese virgin who never had a fuckin' relationship with a woman because I'm not that interesting to them.
It's a load off my shoulders to be able to open my heart to a community who understands what porn addiction does to our brain, even though most guys are not as much of a loser as I am. I'm feeling like I'm dying inside.