PMO absolutely wrecked my life and I'm not sure I can bounce back.

[Luke1997]

Long-time lurker on the forum, finally signed up because I'm tired of suffering alone. Posted this on Reddit and I thought I'd post this here. I have been struggling with this issue for so long without any support.

My name is Luke, I'm 25 years old and I've been a PMO addict for 11 years. This self-destructive habit started when I got my own laptop at the age of 14, and it's been a downward spiral into destruction and failure ever since. Pornography has had a full-fledged hold on my brain and I was never aware that the hell I was going through in my real life was because of it, and it wasn't until I stumbled on Gary Wilson's book and watched Dr. Trish Leigh's videos on Youtube that it all clicked. I'm currently on day 12 of NoFAP and I was and still am experiencing the whole gamut of symptoms of a chronic PMO addiction: brain fog, MASSIVE lack of motivation, low self-esteem, body image issues (add to that the fact that I am obese), PIED, HOCD and the list goes on...

Pornography absolutely killed my self-esteem, I began to see myself as less than the performers who were having a good time doing those hot babes because I didn't have their body type. Pornography also warped my sexual arousal template, I developed HOCD and grew up thinking I was at least bisexual because I like girls but my viewing habit escalated into genres outside of my sexual orientation, but after a lot of soul-searching and a few days off porn, turns out I'm actually straight. However, it pains me to say that I'm still a virgin and never had a relationship with a girl.

I didn't realize the full scope of the havoc PMO has wreaked on my life until my reputation has been completely ruined at my workplace. Here's the thing, I work in a field that is male dominated and my team is comprised of 10 guys myself included. 9 out 10 are married with children, and the other one is a 39-year old philanderer who's REALLY successful with women. I mean, the guy is really handsome and he knows it, and he brags about his sexual hookups ALL THE TIME. He literally reports in for duty saying to all of us "why did God make me so handsome but so poor?". He always has a story to tell, has went out with a lot of girls (and most of the time the girls flirt with him first), and of course he makes the other married guys jealous of his sex life and success with the ladies. I'm the youngest of the team and all I can do is listen to him because I have nothing to add, no real sexual experiences to brag about or anything else. So as time went on, I began to shy away from these types of conversations, feeling so inferior. Guess what happens? He started harassing me, mocking me, and spreading rumors about my sexuality telling people that I'm a gay guy in denial. He also got two other guys to join in the harrassment party.

People are already looking at me differently and I became a major laughing stock at work to the point I'm contemplating suicide. I'm sure other people when they look at me as a single 25-year old guy who has never been seen with a girl, especially those with whom I'm accquainted, suspect that I'm gay, even though I'm actually not and my HOCD doesn't help matters.

Brothers, I know that I still got a long way to go until the vestiges of this PMO addiction are behind, but it's been so hard. I'm not experiencing urges right now, because I'm feeling so traumatized by what's happening to me that it doesn't even give leeway for my mind to go in that direction. I'm neck-deep into suicidal ideation, I feel like offing myself is the only true solution here because I'm such a failure of a man. Lots of people from high school are married with children, and I'm still a depressed, self-deprecating 25 year old obese virgin who never had a fuckin' relationship with a woman because I'm not that interesting to them.

It's a load off my shoulders to be able to open my heart to a community who understands what porn addiction does to our brain, even though most guys are not as much of a loser as I am. I'm feeling like I'm dying inside.

 

[JCreborn96]

Brother you got this. Screw that guy who's making rumors about you. You say you're the youngest at your job so you have a lot of time to grow and improve. You're on day 12 which is great. Something good for you I can recommend is working out at the gym and joining a MMA or boxing gym as well. That would help you a lot brother.

 

[TryingHarder]

Not sure you can bounce back? Yes, you can. For some perspective, I was a porn addict for 25 years. Yes, that's right - as long as you have been alive. I'm now closing in on 5 months clean of porn. Tell the dickhead at work to stop his boasting and bullshit. (Actually, sounds like you need to find a new place to work.) You're not a loser, you're a guy with a problem, and you have it within your capacity to solve it. Everyone here on the forum is proof that you're not alone!

 

[new reality]

That guy you work with sounds like such an insecure phony. This is coming from a woman. So you keep going.

Yep, sounds like a toxic narcissist.

I'd advise you to do some research about narcissism, in the meantime consider him a complete scumbag.

 

[downhillfromhere]

I am going to agree with everyone above, this guy at your work sounds like a complete moron. Looks are one thing, but it’s hard to redeem a shitty personality like that guy seems to have. You are not the loser, my friend.

Well done for showing up here, you have time to get things on track. I’m 35 and only found out about my addiction this year, don’t think it’s too late because it’s not.

 

[Luke1997]

Thank you guys for the encouragement.

To be honest, I'm struggling to forgive myself for wasting 11 precious years of my life on this stupid addiction instead of pursuing an actual sex/love life and for not working for self-improvement. The truth is that I learned how to not love myself. I actually hate myself. I hate the way I look. I don't take pictures of myself and avoid looking in the mirror. I hate my body.

And with all of this stuff happening at work, I'm feeling so distressed and heartbroken that my brain is jonesing for a dopamine fix, just to take the edge off because nothing else seems to make me feel better. I feel better by fits and starts now, trying not to brood over what happened and see myself in a better light, but I always crash and burn.

 

[Sammyjo]

I'm neck-deep into suicidal ideation, I feel like offing myself is the only true solution here because I'm such a failure of a man.

First thing first, I don't know if you live in the US, but if it is this bad call the suicide hotline, the new number in the US is 988

You have A LOT on your mind, have you sought out counseling? Suicide is no joke around my house, and there is NOTHING worth taking your life for. You certainly have challenges you have described that understandably feel overwhelming, but every day is a chance at a new beginning, baby steps! It doesn't all have to be done tomorrow.

Sending you a virtual hug

 

[Luke1997]

First thing first, I don't know if you live in the US, but if it is this bad call the suicide hotline, the new number in the US is 988

You have A LOT on your mind, have you sought out counseling? Suicide is no joke around my house, and there is NOTHING worth taking your life for. You certainly have challenges you have described that understandably feel overwhelming, but every day is a chance at a new beginning, baby steps! It doesn't all have to be done tomorrow.

Sending you a virtual hug

Perhaps looking into counseling might be a good option for me.

The thing that toughens it all up is that fact I can't talk to anyone about this. I don't have friends and I come from a conservative Christian family, we don't talk about sex or sexuality openly, it's a sort of taboo in the household. The only places I found with which I can share about this problem is here at Rebootnation or the NoFap subreddit.

 

[Blondie]

Hey Luke, Welcome to RN.

I just read your post, I don't have tons of time, but here's my first reaction.

You must stop comparing yourself to other people. Who cares about what those guys think or about what they do with their wives or with other men's wives! First of all, statistically speaking, 5 out of 9 of those guys will probably be divorced in the next five to ten years, and most likely will lose custody of their children - not exactly something to be jealous about my man. More statistics for you, 1 out of 4 marriages are practically sexless (yes you read that right), so all that talk is just that, vacuous talk. As for the player, most guys who talk like that are practically bull-shitting themselves and their audience as well, so I really wouldn't worry about what he says. One more fact, 30% of men today 30 years of age and under (and you can look this up) have never had sex or have only had sex once in the last year. Thus, you're not alone in this, there are many brothers walking the same life as you are. The so called "hookup culture" consists of women and the top 20% of guys.

You don't have to do what society tells you to do. You're not a "loser" for not having sex yet. Thus, work on yourself, get over this problem, and your life will be, and CAN be grand! I'm almost 40 and I've been getting my life together over the last five years, and guess what, women are still attracted to me (not just my girlfriend), and I'm fifteen years older than you are, so it's never too late. From my perspective you're practically still a kid, so you have plenty of time to do this.

You don't need a woman or sex right now. What you need is a mission to work on yourself and become the best man you can be.

Trust me, work on yourself first, and a woman and sex will come.

Fuck what society tells you you must do to be "successful".

Thus, five years from now, you will be killing it with pride in your footsteps, as those guys will probably be divorced and the player will die by the hands of some hoe's angry husband.

Best

Blondie

 

[Beautiful1973]

You have us @Luke1997 talk to us, even those of us that are partners, we understand the struggle.
Your Colleague sounds like a total jerk, chicks see through that shite real fast.....I'm sure he has some major issues going on underneath all that bravodo and cutting you down to make himself feel better.....yuk gross!!!! Let me tell you, being a real man has nothing to do with the number or woman you screw or the size of your D#*@.......sorry trigger warning!!!! Woman DO NOT WANT THAT, we want to be loved and adored, we want to be with someone that can be vulnerable with us, that we can lean on.........This struggle will make you a better man Luke, a real man......
No one should have to withstand work place harassment or bullying, totally not cool and I hope there is someone at work that you can reach out too.
A self esteem tip that I learnt as a young woman and I still use now, is when you work into your room, have the mantra running in your head, "what can I do for you people"......try it, it might take a few times for it too sink in, but I promise you can feel something in yourself changing. You'll feel your shoulders go back and your chin lift.

Keep journaling fella, we've got you

 

[Luke1997]

Hey Luke, Welcome to RN.

I just read your post, I don't have tons of time, but here's my first reaction.

You must stop comparing yourself to other people. Who cares about what those guys think or about what they do with their wives or with other men's wives! First of all, statistically speaking, 5 out of 9 of those guys will probably be divorced in the next five to ten years, and most likely will lose custody of their children - not exactly something to be jealous about my man. More statistics for you, 1 out of 4 marriages are practically sexless (yes you read that right), so all that talk is just that, vacuous talk. As for the player, most guys who talk like that are practically bull-shitting themselves and their audience as well, so I really wouldn't worry about what he says. One more fact, 30% of men today 30 years of age and under (and you can look this up) have never had sex or have only had sex once in the last year. Thus, you're not alone in this, there are many brothers walking the same life as you are. The so called "hookup culture" consists of women and the top 20% of guys.

You don't have to do what society tells you to do. You're not a "loser" for not having sex yet. Thus, work on yourself, get over this problem, and your life will be, and CAN be grand! I'm almost 40 and I've been getting my life together over the last five years, and guess what, women are still attracted to me (not just my girlfriend), and I'm fifteen years older than you are, so it's never too late. From my perspective you're practically still a kid, so you have plenty of time to do this.

You don't need a woman or sex right now. What you need is a mission to work on yourself and become the best man you can be.

Trust me, work on yourself first, and a woman and sex will come.

Fuck what society tells you you must do to be "successful".

Thus, five years from now, you will be killing it with pride in your footsteps, as those guys will probably be divorced and the player will die by the hands of some hoe's angry husband.

Best

Blondie

Thank you so much for these words, bro.

You said something really wise right here. My goal at this red hot minute is not sex or a girl. I truly believe that if I were to get into a relationship right now, it would be a rocky one because how could I get a girlfriend when I can't even stand looking at myself in the mirror? I MUST learn how to love myself FIRST, otherwise I'll project my insecurities onto my partner unwittingly and that's a big no-no for me.

Those bullies do have their fair share of personal issues. The guy who belittled me told me once that he's depressed and always wanted to settle down and have a family, but he feels this will never come to fruition because he is unable to fall in love with any woman for real after his ex-wife left him. Another guy is secretly married (shacked up, to be precise) with his own sister and has a son with her. So yeah, I'm speechless...

You have us @Luke1997 talk to us, even those of us that are partners, we understand the struggle.
Your Colleague sounds like a total jerk, chicks see through that shite real fast.....I'm sure he has some major issues going on underneath all that bravodo and cutting you down to make himself feel better.....yuk gross!!!! Let me tell you, being a real man has nothing to do with the number or woman you screw or the size of your D#*@.......sorry trigger warning!!!! Woman DO NOT WANT THAT, we want to be loved and adored, we want to be with someone that can be vulnerable with us, that we can lean on.........This struggle will make you a better man Luke, a real man......
No one should have to withstand work place harassment or bullying, totally not cool and I hope there is someone at work that you can reach out too.
A self esteem tip that I learnt as a young woman and I still use now, is when you work into your room, have the mantra running in your head, "what can I do for you people"......try it, it might take a few times for it too sink in, but I promise you can feel something in yourself changing. You'll feel your shoulders go back and your chin lift.

Keep journaling fella, we've got you

Thank you very much for your input. So good to read this from a woman's perspective.

I have two female colleagues who once told me that I'm husband material. Not in terms of physical attractiveness (which I lack, ofc) but because of my intelligence (I take pride in the fact that I managed to achieve fluency in the English language in a country where only 1% of the population have done so, and I pulled this off as a self-taught since I was 10 years old. I'm also self-taught at acoustic/electric guitar, well-versed in Developmental Psychology and Neurobiology concepts and I know a shit ton about electronics), because of my high sense of responsability, I don't engage in reckless debauchery such as going on an alcohol binge or doing drugs and also because of my kind-heartedness, my morals and values, some of which are a bit Christian-based, but whatever... I gotta admit that I do feel a smidge better about myself knowing that there is a woman out there who views me in a such way.

 

[Beautiful1973]

There you go, you're looking inwards, and that's where the real beauty lies, and who says you lack physical attractiveness, media, magazines, bloody PORN, stuff that crap......stand in front of the mirror and say all the things you like about yourself, don't focus on the negative, I bet you can find at least 3 things.

 

[GBS]

Hi @Luke1997 - just joining in the support. Can’t add anything significant. The brothers and sisters above who have also got your back will hold you up. As will I. When/if you beat this horrible porn thing, you will change SO much and some of the attendant advantages will make you feel like you’re in heaven. This arsehole you have trouble with at work is pond life. Such an horrific 1980’s style homophobic idiot. You will rise above him. In my mind you’re already way superior. I bet he watches porn but never gives it up!

Good luck pal. We got you….remember that.

 

[williamTheChristian]

I'm currently on day 12 of NoFAP and I was and still am experiencing the whole gamut of symptoms of a chronic PMO addiction: brain fog, MASSIVE lack of motivation, low self-esteem, body image issues (add to that the fact that I am obese), PIED, HOCD and the list goes on...

Pornography absolutely killed my self-esteem, I began to see myself as less than the performers

Back when i watched porn, I had some of those symptoms too. I definitely grew jealous of the men in those videos. I had low self esteem and body image issues. Currenrly I am a humble Christian but my self esteem was way worse because I felt very guilty for watching porn. Porn made me think that women were goddesses and rhat I was an ugly little unworthy monster in comparison. These views definitely affected my ability to communicate and I was way worse at communicating. I am currently still not good at communicating, but my communication skills were 7 times worse when I was watching porn.

So as time went on, I began to shy away from these types of conversations, feeling so inferior. Guess what happens? He started harassing me, mocking me, and spreading rumors about my sexuality telling people that I'm a gay guy in denial. He also got two other guys to join in the harrassment party.

People are already looking at me differently and I became a major laughing stock at work to the point I'm contemplating suicide.

Firstly, being gay is not a bad thing, regardless of whether you are gay or not. It's okay to be gay. A homosexual's life is not any less than a heterosexual's life.

Secondly, I can't believe this is happening at work. It sounds like sexual harassment and those harassers should be reported or fired. They seem like awful workers. I wonder if they even get any work done while being preoccupied with their filthy sex talk. I'm sorry that you had to endure such a bad work environment.

 

[Daybyday1988]

I feel like offing myself

never the way to go, friend. Ironically, this will be your addicted brain "winning" over you. the reason you are feeling so low, is because of the chemical/neurotransmitter imbalance that PMOF has created in your brain. A little time away and your (as well as all of our) dopamine receptors will become re-sensitized again and life is much easier to enjoy.

self-deprecating 25 year old obese virgin who never had a fuckin' relationship with a woman because I'm not that interesting to them.

firstly, this brings up a great point. I read somewhere, i believe on pmoflatline.com that there was a study done with recovering meth addicts. I believe from what i have read elsewhere that similar areas of the brain are involved in that addiction as well as ours. Over the course of an 8 week study, half were put on a moderate intesity exercise program along with abstaining from drugs, the others simply abstained. researchers found that out of the exercise group, increased dopamine receptor density at a rate several times faster than those that merely abstained. this is yet another good reason to get on a good diet and exercise program. i can also help you with this too if you want to message me. i was a personal trainer for awhile.

secondly, believe it or not, becoming "more interesting to women" is DEFINITELY something you can work on. I have also done this prior to getting married and becoming a Christian. I would recommend the "pick-up arts" community, or PUA as it is called. obviously, as a Christian, im not going to condone the whole having sex with lots of girls thing, but using many of the concepts as useful exercises and fun interaction templates. I read a book, pretty much THE book that started the community off called "The Mystery Method" (im pretty sure its still for free as an audiobook on youtube somewhere. Then found more material online about it as well. Once i realized that i "sucked" with talking with attractive women, i decided to look for help and found that material. really helps give you a way to interact that is fun for everyone involved. Highly recommend.

always here for a private message if you need it bro.

 

[i_need_faith]

Hey brother. I want to help you but I also have to be brutally honest. I know that it might be politically incorrect but you also have to start taking care of your appearance. It's not your fault if you are obese but it's your responsibility to take care of this. And you can do this. It's not gonna be easy but don't expect that girls will love you just for "who you are". You have to put in the work. Start exercising, read, and improve yourself. I would say you should commit to your first year just to make yourself more presentable and increase your self-esteem. Then you gonna need to start interacting with girls but first I would suggest working on yourself first. Fuck those guys making fun of you. You can fucking do this. On top of that commit yourself to stop using porn. Here's the best tool I've ever found to fight this terrible disease: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu5tKfQq0iya8LLJ8hOEy9_xsqjB85Eh5

I got your back you can do this, just remember it's gonna take time. Don't be too harsh on yourself but also don't be naive and think one thing gonna happen without doing anything. You need to react.

We believe in you!

 

[MrZerox99]

Thanks for sharing Luke. Two JK Rowling quote come to mind. "Rock Bottom is the Solid foundation of which to rebuild you life" and regarding that guy "If you want to see the measure of a man, watch how he treat his inferiors, not his equals". Fuck him man! he sound like a total asshole! Anyway you've got bigger fish to fry right now starting with you. I dont think you realise it but your in a pretty good place.
Recognising you have a problem
Reaching out for help
You can go on nofap streaks
Your educating yourself with Gary wilson Dr Trish Leigh info (Try Dr Rachel Ross too is you haven't already)

These are all huge positives and you should be really proud about them.

BTW I'm here too because i suffer from PIED after struggling with Porn for most of my adult life and im in my mid 40's. Despite that I have optimism that I beat this thing and you should too. Im closing in on a month and it feels great!!

Everything will start to fall into place. Keep reaching out, stay off the Porn and start looking after yourself. You'll see the improvements you need to keep going man!!

 

[JCreborn96]

I was addicted to masturbation since age 10 ,regularly upto age 17 with porn ,than after I start smoking, drink, I have lot of problem due to this ,my all body is paining,back pain killing me, i'm not able to do any work,small penis ,erection completely gone, I look like very old man , with not power ,no brain, i forget all the things,when i'm writing this my hand is paining,very thin body,very thin hand ,and very very weak muscle,hair gone,urges gone, everyone laugh at me, my penis is like a child, I have only one option left, i have left masturbation for 6 months but not ger result,my back muscle are very weak i'm not able to do any work due to this,low energy, social anxiety, I lost my whole life,i'm not able to seat more than 5 minute because of pain,because of pain in all body, i'm not sleep any night, i'm very very weak,my head muscle are weak ,i'm look like zombie,my height is about 5ft8 inch and weight is only 58 kg,my ear,nose chik ,neck,back all muscle are weak ,i'm just 26 single,i'm look like beggar ,i take many medicine but not work,

You gotta hit the gym and fight for your life brother. You deserve better and you can get better. It takes time and effort. I'm also 26 and I refuse to lose.

 

[Supreme0147]

I was addicted to masturbation since age 10 ,regularly upto age 17 with porn ,than after I start smoking, drink, I have lot of problem due to this ,my all body is paining,back pain killing me, i'm not able to do any work,small penis ,erection completely gone, I look like very old man , with not power ,no brain, i forget all the things,when i'm writing this my hand is paining,very thin body,very thin hand ,and very very weak muscle,hair gone,urges gone, everyone laugh at me, my penis is like a child, I have only one option left, i have left masturbation for 6 months but not ger result,my back muscle are very weak i'm not able to do any work due to this,low energy, social anxiety, I lost my whole life,i'm not able to seat more than 5 minute because of pain,because of pain in all body, i'm not sleep any night, i'm very very weak,my head muscle are weak ,i'm look like zombie,my height is about 5ft8 inch and weight is only 58 kg,my ear,nose chik ,neck,back all muscle are weak ,i'm just 26 single,i'm look like beggar ,i take many medicine but not work,

Same here but I assure you I'm getting better by quiting Instagram, porn and masturbation then good exercise and food with sleep. I'm seeing changes. I promise to do this till 30. Earlier the better, I have seen people got to 60 years old with this addiction. So I have to stop it now because no body will come save you from it not even GOD and GOD won't pity you because you're suffering. So you better get up and fight yourself and you will start seeing changes but know it's a long and rough road. Not one years and you have not seen changes then give up. I did one year without seeing changes then the Devil came to my mind and deceived me into it again by telling me that PMO is not the problem. But now I'm up and fighting. Even if I do not see changes for 40 years am not going back to PMO again. I rather die single living happy than staying with PMO. PMO has never given me one benefits all these years. Now I'm confident and doing the right thing.