Hey all—
This isn’t something I share with even my close friends bc I want to respect my boyfriend’s privacy. I know he feels ashamed and I don’t want to embarrass him. I have one friend who knows everything and she loves him and (of course) loves me but I don’t want to involve her too much in fear that this will be a longer journey than she realizes—-she’ll lose patience and I don’t want any influences on how to deal with this because just as I don’t ~truly know what it’s like for someone to live with a porn addiction, she doesn’t ~truly know what it’s like to be the partner of someone struggling with it either. Needless to say I feel pretty lonely.
Hi. I’m Noluck and I’m gay. My partner is a porn addict. We’re in couples therapy—it was actually his idea—and our first session is on Tuesday. In this blog, I’m going to try not to tell his story but mine.
I knew he had an addiction the first week I met him. He admitted it. I hate to say this, and even regret typing this now, but I didn’t take it seriously. I thought everyone watched porn, what’s the big deal? I’m no puritan. But then it took living together to realize I couldn’t afford to consider it so lightly anymore. My boyfriend is drowning and no one is there for life support.
We stopped having penetrative sex…he couldn’t get it up one night and since then we never got it on. We do other stuff. I thought we were “working on it” together. But then I found out he was anonymously chatting with some random Russians on a texting app. I say russian bc it was obvious that anonymity drove this behavior. Sending dick pics and blocking them as soon as he cums. I almost left him but he promised to get help, and he has. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of him even when I’m disappointed and hurt.
No one in their right mind would trade our life for these online randos. There’s so much love between us—-I would even be so naive to suggest that he’s my soulmate. It kills me that he didn’t choose this life as an addict, I wish I could take away his pain. I truly do But I’m in pain too. And it’s starting to feel like IM choosing this life.
Since then, he’s stopped watching porn. It’s been a week. We went through his phone together and deleted all triggers, including 20k of saved pornographic photos. I had to remain stoic while we deleted them—but I honestly wanted to puke.
Currently, he’s short tempered. He’s irritable. He’s angry, sad, anxious. I just know he’s downright miserable. And I try not to take it personally but I can’t help it. I don’t know HOW not to. How can it feel like we are living two totally different lives? I love our house together, our pets, our goals, our plans for the future. How can he be miserable? We have everything we said we ever wanted. Porn has poisoned his mind.
I don’t know how to initiate sex anymore. He said that he has to think about porn to orgasm. That was hard to hear—I’m not totally insecure, I know I’m hot and I know my worth, but hearing the love of your life can’t jerk one out with you without thinking about other men? That was hard. Should we wait to be sexual until a he’s a reached a safe milestone in his recovery? I’m not even sure what progress looks like. What if I learn to trust him again and he just figured out how to live a successful double life? I told him I would never leave him for porn—as long as he tries his damndest but I would leave him for infidelity, or the lies. Will we ever have sex again? How do I feel sexy around him again? How do I stay patient but with boundaries? How do I stay kind while remaining firm?
These are all questions I have for you, reader. And our therapist on Tuesday. I’ll be sure to check in with you all soon.
This isn’t something I share with even my close friends bc I want to respect my boyfriend’s privacy. I know he feels ashamed and I don’t want to embarrass him. I have one friend who knows everything and she loves him and (of course) loves me but I don’t want to involve her too much in fear that this will be a longer journey than she realizes—-she’ll lose patience and I don’t want any influences on how to deal with this because just as I don’t ~truly know what it’s like for someone to live with a porn addiction, she doesn’t ~truly know what it’s like to be the partner of someone struggling with it either. Needless to say I feel pretty lonely.
Hi. I’m Noluck and I’m gay. My partner is a porn addict. We’re in couples therapy—it was actually his idea—and our first session is on Tuesday. In this blog, I’m going to try not to tell his story but mine.
I knew he had an addiction the first week I met him. He admitted it. I hate to say this, and even regret typing this now, but I didn’t take it seriously. I thought everyone watched porn, what’s the big deal? I’m no puritan. But then it took living together to realize I couldn’t afford to consider it so lightly anymore. My boyfriend is drowning and no one is there for life support.
We stopped having penetrative sex…he couldn’t get it up one night and since then we never got it on. We do other stuff. I thought we were “working on it” together. But then I found out he was anonymously chatting with some random Russians on a texting app. I say russian bc it was obvious that anonymity drove this behavior. Sending dick pics and blocking them as soon as he cums. I almost left him but he promised to get help, and he has. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of him even when I’m disappointed and hurt.
No one in their right mind would trade our life for these online randos. There’s so much love between us—-I would even be so naive to suggest that he’s my soulmate. It kills me that he didn’t choose this life as an addict, I wish I could take away his pain. I truly do But I’m in pain too. And it’s starting to feel like IM choosing this life.
Since then, he’s stopped watching porn. It’s been a week. We went through his phone together and deleted all triggers, including 20k of saved pornographic photos. I had to remain stoic while we deleted them—but I honestly wanted to puke.
Currently, he’s short tempered. He’s irritable. He’s angry, sad, anxious. I just know he’s downright miserable. And I try not to take it personally but I can’t help it. I don’t know HOW not to. How can it feel like we are living two totally different lives? I love our house together, our pets, our goals, our plans for the future. How can he be miserable? We have everything we said we ever wanted. Porn has poisoned his mind.
I don’t know how to initiate sex anymore. He said that he has to think about porn to orgasm. That was hard to hear—I’m not totally insecure, I know I’m hot and I know my worth, but hearing the love of your life can’t jerk one out with you without thinking about other men? That was hard. Should we wait to be sexual until a he’s a reached a safe milestone in his recovery? I’m not even sure what progress looks like. What if I learn to trust him again and he just figured out how to live a successful double life? I told him I would never leave him for porn—as long as he tries his damndest but I would leave him for infidelity, or the lies. Will we ever have sex again? How do I feel sexy around him again? How do I stay patient but with boundaries? How do I stay kind while remaining firm?
These are all questions I have for you, reader. And our therapist on Tuesday. I’ll be sure to check in with you all soon.
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