Seeking guidance

[noluck]

Hey all—



This isn’t something I share with even my close friends bc I want to respect my boyfriend’s privacy. I know he feels ashamed and I don’t want to embarrass him. I have one friend who knows everything and she loves him and (of course) loves me but I don’t want to involve her too much in fear that this will be a longer journey than she realizes—-she’ll lose patience and I don’t want any influences on how to deal with this because just as I don’t ~truly know what it’s like for someone to live with a porn addiction, she doesn’t ~truly know what it’s like to be the partner of someone struggling with it either. Needless to say I feel pretty lonely.



Hi. I’m Noluck and I’m gay. My partner is a porn addict. We’re in couples therapy—it was actually his idea—and our first session is on Tuesday. In this blog, I’m going to try not to tell his story but mine.



I knew he had an addiction the first week I met him. He admitted it. I hate to say this, and even regret typing this now, but I didn’t take it seriously. I thought everyone watched porn, what’s the big deal? I’m no puritan. But then it took living together to realize I couldn’t afford to consider it so lightly anymore. My boyfriend is drowning and no one is there for life support.



We stopped having penetrative sex…he couldn’t get it up one night and since then we never got it on. We do other stuff. I thought we were “working on it” together. But then I found out he was anonymously chatting with some random Russians on a texting app. I say russian bc it was obvious that anonymity drove this behavior. Sending dick pics and blocking them as soon as he cums. I almost left him but he promised to get help, and he has. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of him even when I’m disappointed and hurt.



No one in their right mind would trade our life for these online randos. There’s so much love between us—-I would even be so naive to suggest that he’s my soulmate. It kills me that he didn’t choose this life as an addict, I wish I could take away his pain. I truly do But I’m in pain too. And it’s starting to feel like IM choosing this life.



Since then, he’s stopped watching porn. It’s been a week. We went through his phone together and deleted all triggers, including 20k of saved pornographic photos. I had to remain stoic while we deleted them—but I honestly wanted to puke.



Currently, he’s short tempered. He’s irritable. He’s angry, sad, anxious. I just know he’s downright miserable. And I try not to take it personally but I can’t help it. I don’t know HOW not to. How can it feel like we are living two totally different lives? I love our house together, our pets, our goals, our plans for the future. How can he be miserable? We have everything we said we ever wanted. Porn has poisoned his mind.



I don’t know how to initiate sex anymore. He said that he has to think about porn to orgasm. That was hard to hear—I’m not totally insecure, I know I’m hot and I know my worth, but hearing the love of your life can’t jerk one out with you without thinking about other men? That was hard. Should we wait to be sexual until a he’s a reached a safe milestone in his recovery? I’m not even sure what progress looks like. What if I learn to trust him again and he just figured out how to live a successful double life? I told him I would never leave him for porn—as long as he tries his damndest but I would leave him for infidelity, or the lies. Will we ever have sex again? How do I feel sexy around him again? How do I stay patient but with boundaries? How do I stay kind while remaining firm?



These are all questions I have for you, reader. And our therapist on Tuesday. I’ll be sure to check in with you all soon.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Oh my darling, so much of this resonated with me, I have tears rolling down my face reading it.......I am also in love with a Porn addict, and it has been the most painful experience of my life, and as an almost 50 year old woman I've had a lot of experiences. Unlike you I had to walk away from my gorgeous man, he kept crossing my boundaries, continued to keep secrets and lies and wasn't actively seeking recovery......I no longer felt safe and I had to save myself. No one understands what it's like to live like this, like you said the feelings of 'choosing' this life, unless you've lived it.
My only advice for now is to find a Counsellor of your own, on top of the Couples Therapy, someone that understands Betrayal Trauma, cause my guess would be that you are experiencing some of that. Good luck noluck, I'll be on here if you need me!

 

[GBS]

Hi @noluck - I am a 60 year old man who is in recovery. Let’s not compare depth of porn addiction but just say I was addicted. Wife obviously very hurt.

I am afraid the bottom line is clear. Your partner (I fully realise you’re gay) has to face the changes. It’s very hard but the brain is an organ of the body and it gets damaged but it can also heal. It’s not miraculous but it feels like it is. That’s what he has to do and he needs to join in here ideally and journal. He possibly needs therapy, that’s obviously very helpful but there’s an obvious cost. When we start changing our brain we see progress and that in itself helps us because we start to look back at ourselves and know the new person is way better. That’s for him. For you, I think this is really hard because you probably don’t need to change, you’re just (!!!) betrayed. If you watch him change, and the proof is in the eating because if he changes it will be because he changed his brain, and rejoice in it then your sex life afterwards could be the best ever. It requires a lot of you both.

I think possibly you need a period of abstinence while he goes through his changes. My abstinence could end up being more than a year, but if I have to do this for my wife then I shall. He needs to fight for you and you just have to stay being wonderful which is one hell of an ask of you, but my guess is you are wonderful anyway.

Keep writing- we’re all here to help.

 

[noluck]

Hi @noluck - I am a 60 year old man who is in recovery. Let’s not compare depth of porn addiction but just say I was addicted. Wife obviously very hurt.

I am afraid the bottom line is clear. Your partner (I fully realise you’re gay) has to face the changes. It’s very hard but the brain is an organ of the body and it gets damaged but it can also heal. It’s not miraculous but it feels like it is. That’s what he has to do and he needs to join in here ideally and journal. He possibly needs therapy, that’s obviously very helpful but there’s an obvious cost. When we start changing our brain we see progress and that in itself helps us because we start to look back at ourselves and know the new person is way better. That’s for him. For you, I think this is really hard because you probably don’t need to change, you’re just (!!!) betrayed. If you watch him change, and the proof is in the eating because if he changes it will be because he changed his brain, and rejoice in it then your sex life afterwards could be the best ever. It requires a lot of you both.

I think possibly you need a period of abstinence while he goes through his changes. My abstinence could end up being more than a year, but if I have to do this for my wife then I shall. He needs to fight for you and you just have to stay being wonderful which is one hell of an ask of you, but my guess is you are wonderful anyway.

Keep writing- we’re all here to help.

Thank you, GBS. I know we’re both eager to see these changes. I just wish he wasn’t so sad through it all. I’m guessing whatever he’s going through internally is necessary if he wants to get better. I wouldn’t be chipper either. You and your wife are lucky to have each other. My boyfriend is wonderful too—I hope the spouses know they are loved. I read through these blogs and it’s obvious that’s evident. Keep going! Your wife and I believe in you!!

 

[noluck]

Oh my darling, so much of this resonated with me, I have tears rolling down my face reading it.......I am also in love with a Porn addict, and it has been the most painful experience of my life, and as an almost 50 year old woman I've had a lot of experiences. Unlike you I had to walk away from my gorgeous man, he kept crossing my boundaries, continued to keep secrets and lies and wasn't actively seeking recovery......I no longer felt safe and I had to save myself. No one understands what it's like to live like this, like you said the feelings of 'choosing' this life, unless you've lived it.
My only advice for now is to find a Counsellor of your own, on top of the Couples Therapy, someone that understands Betrayal Trauma, cause my guess would be that you are experiencing some of that. Good luck noluck, I'll be on here if you need me!

Hi Beautiful—-we are both in individual therapy. Totally necessary. I’ve been with my counsellor for years so she’s really getting her moneys worth lol I am hopeful the secrets and lies have ended for me and my bf but as for your gorgeous man—I have hopes that he’ll see this through. You’re so strong! Thank you for commiserating with me. We need all the support. I’m here if you want to talk as well.

 

[Gracie]

no luck this is indeed a tough walk when you have a porn addict for a partner. It can feel like a road to nowhere except we love them and care about them and really except for the porn, they are great! And often we feel it must be us. I always recommend two books one is: Love You Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer and Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. Hold me Tight is a book that helps with communication.

I don’t know how to initiate sex anymore. He said that he has to think about porn to orgasm. That was hard to hear—I’m not totally insecure, I know I’m hot and I know my worth, but hearing the love of your life can’t jerk one out with you without thinking about other men? That was hard. Should we wait to be sexual until a he’s a reached a safe milestone in his recovery? I’m not even sure what progress looks like. What if I learn to trust him again and he just figured out how to live a successful double life? I told him I would never leave him for porn—as long as he tries his damndest but I would leave him for infidelity, or the lies. Will we ever have sex again? How do I feel sexy around him again? How do I stay patient but with boundaries? How do I stay kind while remaining firm?

There is a lot here. The orgasm part if they have not moved past watching, I think is generally true. My husband and I had sex with eyes open when he had moved through the beginning. Waiting to have sex is a personal choice. We did a six week wait. We did have cuddling and kissing and handholding. Being physical without sex or orgasm as the goal. We all have the fear of should we trust when can we trust how much should we trust. He has to earn your trust. Only you can decide when that has happened. Yes you will have sex again. But it should be when you are ready. Feeling sexy again takes time. But know, you do not have to change you. There have been women here that had boob jobs, facelifts etc and made no difference. You do you! You are not the problem. Boundaries are important. Think about what boundaries are important to you. For me some were, go to bed at same time, stay in bed all night, hold hands and sit together while watching tv. Kiss hello and goodbye every time , yes even to the store. etc. Write them down and tell him what they are. Then ask what does he need from you. One my husband told me was wear make up more. My first thought was like the girls you watch. So I wore it every damn day. Even doing yard work all day. He then rephrased it. Staying patient can be hard because we want it to Change today. It takes time. Being kind is necessary. A way to work it in terms of being firm is being somewhat factual. The two of you agree on what you need. And then talk. A good thing is using text because the your voice doesn’t change. Eventually you will get it! Good luck!

 

[noluck]

This was so helpful THANK YOU for these words. I’m learning a lot about boundaries and trying to figure out what mine are. Our therapist told us to abstain from sexual activity for 30 days. We are going to work on finding that emotional intimacy without relying on the sex for now.