My first and hopefully last journal

Background: Ok so I've been using porn my whole adult life. I'm about 40 so easily 25 years or more. I grew up with limited porn available, mostly magazines my dad had hidden. As soon as I had the internet that was it, in my teens even when in relationships I would regularly watch and save porn. If I didn't have sex in a day I would find time or plan to watch porn.

I'd love to say more recently but over the past ten years the porn I've watched has become more and more extreme, in almost any porn genre. Over the last year or so I found some forums which showed me actual teens (so underage for porn), and I started to save that content too. My problem seems to of gotten worse as I'm truly ashamed to say I also saved some extremely questionable videos too.

Skip to my current relationship where my fiancee (I recently proposed) has seen some porn on my computer, and while I have been out has opened my pc and seen my whole collection.

She hasn't decided what to do, I wouldn't blame her if she shamed me, split up, etc.

To be honest I could of done a better job of hiding things but in a weird way I'm also glad someone knows. I really do want to change, for my own sanity I have shredded my hard drives and been frank and honest with my partner. Even if this is the end of my relationship, I HAVE to change. I'm ashamed of myself daily and I'm very much ruining my life...
 
So day zero, my partner is still undecided on if she can be with me which I completely understand, I've had to call in work as my anxiety is terrible. On the flip side, regardless of what she chooses I have decided to better myself. I'm going to speak to a charity today and see if I'm able to get counselling also. I may update later today if I feel I have made any progress or things get worse.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Hi @HesGotProblem
I encourage you to turn every adversity into opportunity.

Here are some immediate actions
1. Delete all of your collection.
Delete all of your saved favorites and history.
Cease all relationships, subscriptions and memberships with questionable groups. Throw all bad material away.
Immediately.
Nothing builds determination and dedication than immediate permenent and irreversible deletion.

2. Build accountability with your partner.
Prepare yourself for the life with her now.
Build your responsibility towards her.

3. Begin your repair and restoration process immediately.
If you want, share your improvements with your partner. Let her know you are working on improving. Make it your core purpose for now.

Your anxiety is real. I've been there before. Don't worry, you'll survive this.
Your baseline now may be low.
Do what you'd do when you're ill.
Rest and sleep alot
Reduce stress
Eat cleanly and drink water.
Let your body and mind heal.
Having a strong and rested body and mind is helpful for the process ahead.

Remember:
Your partner is real
Your life with her is real
You are real
But anything to do with porn is not.

You have something good and real for you.
Nothing else is worth sacrificing the real for.

Good luck!
You can do this!
 
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Hi @HesGotProblem, as a Partner finding out your man has a problem with Porn Consumption is a very scary place, and the secrets & lies make you feel truly betrayed......she may also be struggling to come to terms with some of the images she saw on your computer, I know I have one image I struggle to get out of my head!
You said that you could have done a better job of hiding this, but I promise you she would of known something was up, we have a way of senses this stuff, especially if certain behaviour's start showing up in the relationship. This will not be easy for her, show her love and kindness while she processes the discovery & disclosure.
My man couldn't find it in himself to fight for our relationship, so I had to walk away, I'll tag you in my story, read it if you fancy seeing what it's really like from another woman perspective.
 
2. Build accountability with your partner.
Prepare yourself for the life with her now.
Build your responsibility towards her.

3. Begin your repair and restoration process immediately.
If you want, share your improvements with your partner. Let her know you are working on improving. Make it your core purpose for now.

Remember:
Your partner is real
Your life with her is real
You are real
But anything to do with porn is not.

You have something good and real for you.
Nothing else is worth sacrificing the real for.
Absolutely love this @TakeActionNow
 
I would add to this to do some mindful meditation exercises, you can find some on youtube, they seem to have helped me. Also the other victims on this site can help to keep you on tract to succeed. Plan for how you’ll respond if you do relapse. Keep fighting, don’t give up, instead get up and keep going. Shame is a negative emotion and you need to learn to deal with that, maybe someone else can help you with that, I can’t. Hope your struggle is successful.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@HesGotProblem
You need to recognize that no matter the reasons that drove you to more extreme material, the people within those material were mostly harmed and unwilling. They were hurt for the viewer's and supplier's pleasure.

The same goes for many others in this terrible industry. The only true winners are the behind the scene bosses who milk everyone, including clients, for their own benefit. Supporting their material is akin to supporting them. Everyone who stands to benefit any little bit, including users and repeaters, are all perpetrating this industry and injust of others.

While what's past is past, what lies ahead remains something we can do about.

Have a think what you can do to return to society and make it safe and better for all.
 
Hi @HesGotProblem
I encourage you to turn every adversity into opportunity.

Here are some immediate actions
1. Delete all of your collection.
Delete all of your saved favorites and history.
Cease all relationships, subscriptions and memberships with questionable groups. Throw all bad material away.
Immediately.
Nothing builds determination and dedication than immediate permenent and irreversible deletion.

2. Build accountability with your partner.
Prepare yourself for the life with her now.
Build your responsibility towards her.

3. Begin your repair and restoration process immediately.
If you want, share your improvements with your partner. Let her know you are working on improving. Make it your core purpose for now.

Your anxiety is real. I've been there before. Don't worry, you'll survive this.
Your baseline now may be low.
Do what you'd do when you're ill.
Rest and sleep alot
Reduce stress
Eat cleanly and drink water.
Let your body and mind heal.
Having a strong and rested body and mind is helpful for the process ahead.

Remember:
Your partner is real
Your life with her is real
You are real
But anything to do with porn is not.

You have something good and real for you.
Nothing else is worth sacrificing the real for.

Good luck!
You can do this!
Thanks, all solid advice and I've followed all 3 steps, porn is wiped, I've committed to getting a doctor's appt for counciling and I'm speaking to a charity for both reassurance and advice. I want to be accountable and importantly, honest with her.
 
@HesGotProblem
You need to recognize that no matter the reasons that drove you to more extreme material, the people within those material were mostly harmed and unwilling. They were hurt for the viewer's and supplier's pleasure.

The same goes for many others in this terrible industry. The only true winners are the behind the scene bosses who milk everyone, including clients, for their own benefit. Supporting their material is akin to supporting them. Everyone who stands to benefit any little bit, including users and repeaters, are all perpetrating this industry and injust of others.

While what's past is past, what lies ahead remains something we can do about.

Have a think what you can do to return to society and make it safe and better for all.
I feel like making a start myself is a big personal step. Agreed it's too easy to dehumanise people on screen 😔
 
@HesGotProblem
You need to recognize that no matter the reasons that drove you to more extreme material, the people within those material were mostly harmed and unwilling. They were hurt for the viewer's and supplier's pleasure.

The same goes for many others in this terrible industry. The only true winners are the behind the scene bosses who milk everyone, including clients, for their own benefit. Supporting their material is akin to supporting them. Everyone who stands to benefit any little bit, including users and repeaters, are all perpetrating this industry and injust of others.

While what's past is past, what lies ahead remains something we can do about.

Have a think what you can do to return to society and make it safe and better for all.
I feel like making a start myself is a big personal step. Agreed it's too easy to dehumanise people on screen
Hi @HesGotProblem, as a Partner finding out your man has a problem with Porn Consumption is a very scary place, and the secrets & lies make you feel truly betrayed......she may also be struggling to come to terms with some of the images she saw on your computer, I know I have one image I struggle to get out of my head!
You said that you could have done a better job of hiding this, but I promise you she would of known something was up, we have a way of senses this stuff, especially if certain behaviour's start showing up in the relationship. This will not be easy for her, show her love and kindness while she processes the discovery & disclosure.
My man couldn't find it in himself to fight for our relationship, so I had to walk away, I'll tag you in my story, read it if you fancy seeing what it's really like from another woman perspective.
100 percent, she told me she knew something was up. I really want to change and I'm a determined person. She is my world, I'm ashamed and upset she is so hurt so I will try my best to both show I'm changing by getting support and being open and also tackling my problem head on as best I can. I'm so sorry your partner couldn't find a way to move past his issues, I will read your story as I would love to hear how this could affect my partner and our relationship.
 
Ok so this will be my last journal for today but I will be back tomorrow. The support is really appreciated, I know I'm not the only one but speaking helps a lot.

My partner has said she will stay with me, I can't be more thankful and won't take this lightly as this is a real world second chance.

I have a plan, short and long term - feel free to nudge or question me on these commitments. My main intention is to give up watching internet and really all porn moving forward.

Short term - next couple of weeks. I'm going to limit time on a computer and by myself. I'm going to get a doctor's appointment which will hopefully lead to counciling. I'm trying to speak to a charity on sex addiction to make sure I'm on the right path and see if there's other things I can do.

Long term - 6 months - I will continue to update and engage here and hopefully with a councillor. For at least the next month I want to post daily.

Permanently - I don't ever want to be here again so regardless of what happens with my partner and the rest of my life, I want to not use porn to fulfill and sexual desires. I am human so I may feel the need to masturbate and likely will, but not to porn, either on a phone, screen, etc etc

Thanks again and wish me luck!
 
Day 1, I'm going to say day 1 so I can count from here. It's been a really draining day but I'm doing the right things. I spoke to a charity about my concerns related to my porn use and that eased my mind a bit, I'm not a bad person I've just had my head up my ass for too long. That was a really hard convo.

I've registered with a doctor's near me with a view to get counciling to talk through what made me so drawn to porn and help support me in finding my natural self.

All good steps, mood is low and anxiety is high but I think more down sharing and being open, feeling judged and unworthy. I wil work on all of those things.

Still looking for a journal partner x
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member

Hi @HesGotProblem

Here are 2 pages for you to study and understand clearly the biological impacts of addictions and post PMO.
This knowledge will arm you with correct expectations how the next few weeks will be like.


In these few weeks you'd need to:
1. Rest significantly to reduce biological stress
2. Do things you can be proud of
3. Recognize and record all of your efforts as a feel good replacement
4. Journal daily of your thoughts and experiences so that you recognize what you are going through and stay motivated and on track.
5. Go out, do things, get more sun, help people, stay away from Internet

Stay focused on healing.
You got this.
 

Hi @HesGotProblem

Here are 2 pages for you to study and understand clearly the biological impacts of addictions and post PMO.
This knowledge will arm you with correct expectations how the next few weeks will be like.


In these few weeks you'd need to:
1. Rest significantly to reduce biological stress
2. Do things you can be proud of
3. Recognize and record all of your efforts as a feel good replacement
4. Journal daily of your thoughts and experiences so that you recognize what you are going through and stay motivated and on track.
5. Go out, do things, get more sun, help people, stay away from Internet

Stay focused on healing.
You got this.
Thanks takeactionnow! I do feel absolutely exhausted but I'm not sure if it's the addiction recovery, stress or guilt. I will try to focus on those things!
 
Day 2, I'm taking advice as I can and trying to overcome my physical and mental stress. I've got an appointment for therapy next month and have been in touch with local councillors who I hope I can spend some time working with.

I will be speaking to my best friend later, my partner will be doing the same with her's. Also causes my anxiety and I really hope her friend is understanding and doesn't aim to hurt my relationship x
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
When my husband I and went down this path to healing, I chose the one friend I knew would listen and not say leave him. She was my sounding board and strength. I needed that to sort through everything I was feeling. You wife may be using that same method.
 
Try not to focus on her journey and recovery, put the energy into your own.......some people will judge you, some will judge her, sadly a lot of people don't understand the addiction or compulsion unless they have lived it.
 
If you want a little more insight into what your partner is feeling, this podcast is excellent, I think @Gracie might of been the one that posted it originally. I sent it too my man and for the first time he really got how it made me feel and why I was so upset.
As I said before it doesn't mean you are responsible for her healing, but just that you can empathise with some of the emotions she may express to you over the coming weeks.....
https://soundcloud.com/loverice%2Fthe-science-of-human-connection-with-dr-sue-johnson You can find it on Apple Podcasts also.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@Crackers1
You are not alone.
I remember not too long ago anxiety took over me and i had to came home to cower in bed in a fetal position, trembling.
It was rock bottom for me.

Sleep alot
Let your body rest.
Your adrenals must be running high, making you tense and exhausted.

Rest.
Let things go
Be kind to yourself
Get some sun
In the long run, this will be but a faded memory.
But for now, please get some rest.
 
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