ImBroken
Member
All: On week three following “The P Addiction” reared its ugly head again. Yes, I freaked out/flipped out the instant I found out. But after that - I have brought no drama to the table. He is working his program, He is answering any/all of my questions - many of the answers I never wanted to hear. I do not feel like I am progressing. I am still angry, hurt, in disbelief and taking his actions VERY VERY personally…how can one not. I have been reading extensively on the addiction - the relapse rate and the sheer power of the addiction is mind numbing - I know the process will be long and I’m hoping he comes out of it. Right now though, after 30 solid years together - I‘m not really wishing that WE come out of it.
Has anyone here tried a trial separation? If so, has it worked? It has been so long since I have been alone (physically) - but far too long that I have been alone (mentally). We have discussed ending the marriage openly - I’m really in a place where I can move on. I just feel stuck. While he is working his program and recovery…I’m in a holding pattern with no guarantee of success. My love for him has changed. My trust in him is forever shaken…and with every discussion comes another “factoid about his addiction to P” that…cuts me like a knife. He does not want to split but he is at such a low and realizes he FUCKED this up - not that it was perfect beforehand - but it was a relationship.
I just returned from a weekend away - while in a couple hotels…I found myself missing our dogs…the farmhouse….sleeping in my own bed…BUT…I did not miss him.
I want to be happy again. I want to have great sex again and feel love, passion, wreckless abandon…If I sit in this hold pattern I will never know. I do not know what it is like to be single. I don’t have any idea what is out there that could contribute to happiness…could be a human…could be a museum. As my screen name states…I just feel so incredibly BROKEN…I don’t even know where to look for some glue to put the pieces back.
The tiniest of voices sometimes pops up that says, ”Stay, Wait and Evaluate”. Needless to say - he is doing a reboot which involves abstinence - which in turn puts me in a position of self-gratification - and the desire for the most part is ZERO.
I won’t get into the specifics - but his porn kink is way the hell out of my interest zone - some of it really Taboo and sickening to me (no DIVA here - but the stuff he fantasizes about / writes about is so foreign to me - zero interest on my part. Still…even looking at him - disgusts me - He’d still be doing it right now if he wasn’t found out. And I don’t think I can recover from “Why wasn’t I enough to STOP FOR”? Why did all the truth come out when he was caught and embarrassed. I just can’t get past that point…don’t think I ever will.
Has anyone here tried a trial separation? If so, has it worked? It has been so long since I have been alone (physically) - but far too long that I have been alone (mentally). We have discussed ending the marriage openly - I’m really in a place where I can move on. I just feel stuck. While he is working his program and recovery…I’m in a holding pattern with no guarantee of success. My love for him has changed. My trust in him is forever shaken…and with every discussion comes another “factoid about his addiction to P” that…cuts me like a knife. He does not want to split but he is at such a low and realizes he FUCKED this up - not that it was perfect beforehand - but it was a relationship.
I just returned from a weekend away - while in a couple hotels…I found myself missing our dogs…the farmhouse….sleeping in my own bed…BUT…I did not miss him.
I want to be happy again. I want to have great sex again and feel love, passion, wreckless abandon…If I sit in this hold pattern I will never know. I do not know what it is like to be single. I don’t have any idea what is out there that could contribute to happiness…could be a human…could be a museum. As my screen name states…I just feel so incredibly BROKEN…I don’t even know where to look for some glue to put the pieces back.
The tiniest of voices sometimes pops up that says, ”Stay, Wait and Evaluate”. Needless to say - he is doing a reboot which involves abstinence - which in turn puts me in a position of self-gratification - and the desire for the most part is ZERO.
I won’t get into the specifics - but his porn kink is way the hell out of my interest zone - some of it really Taboo and sickening to me (no DIVA here - but the stuff he fantasizes about / writes about is so foreign to me - zero interest on my part. Still…even looking at him - disgusts me - He’d still be doing it right now if he wasn’t found out. And I don’t think I can recover from “Why wasn’t I enough to STOP FOR”? Why did all the truth come out when he was caught and embarrassed. I just can’t get past that point…don’t think I ever will.