eromenos
Member
So about a week and a half ago, I idly thought to myself, just out of an 8 month relationship, that it might be an idea to lay off the PMO for a while. I started by getting and reading a copy of YBOP, and it turned my idle thought into a bleak realisation of the situation I've been in, basically for my entire life. I'm an (almost) 45yo gay man, and this is my story and aims...
I grew up in a world rapidly evolving to technology, and as a very tech savvy early teen my first porn images were downloaded from Bulletin Board Services (pre-internet) via dialup - static images only that would painstakingly arrive line by line on my computer screen. I would have been about 13/14. It was the early 90s, and I wasn't out-of-the-closet. Living in a conservative suburb, the chances of me meeting another young gay man, and even if I had, the likelihood, in the days of the AIDS epidemic of actually having sex was virtually 0, and so PMO became the sole manner of release till I was 22. By then (I realise now) after 8 years of increasing deathgrip, I was already finding that sensation was limited, and I didn't get much from BJs and when you include condoms as an absolute necessity, I definitely didn't get much from topping guys. I therefore concluded that I must be a bottom, as this was something I could genuinely enjoy.
Fast forward, and this was very much the identity I then took on. As a bottom there's often little expectation that you will O during sex, and when you do, it is usually MO, even in the presence of a partner. I increasingly found it v difficult to even MO without the P element. I had long relationships which would see me getting up out of be to creep into the other room to ashamedly PMO while my partner slept. I of course had migrated to video as soon as practicable, and would torrent down a limitless supply of variety.
This has now been the pattern since then. My most recent thought to lay off the PMO was triggered by this 8 month relationship in which I was only able to MO once in the presence of my then partner in all that time. The relationship broke up for other reasons but this was on my mind. DE was a real problem for me even though up till this time I hadn't considered myself to have an issue.
I thought this because, while my tastes in porn tended to the rougher end, it was not escalating and had not got more severe over the years. Porn is so ubiquitous in the gay community as well - it's no matter at all to talk about porn videos you like, actors you like etc - the language and culture is pretty universally understood. I also didn't really PMO that much - 5 nights a week or so, once, about 10-15minutes a day, and that's it.
As I said, I didn't think I had an issue, but one particular section/phrase in the book left me reflecting and the more I reflected, the more I was devastated by what I realised:
Wilson says that when we go for that dopamine hit with the PMO, it is not libido that is driving us to it, but rather it has just become habitual. This was me summed up perfectly. It wasn't out of an urge or need to PMO that I did it, it was just the habitual thing I did before bed. I had always wondered why I was never one to initiate sex with others or seek it out, and have always thought I just had a relatively low libido.
I am now actually afraid that my libido never had a chance to get started. I don't really know or remember what it feels like to be horny, to actually want sex and to be climbing the walls till I get it. I always have just got the dopamine hit from PMO. This has got me really quite worried. Is it too late at 45 to try to start to tune in to libido - can it really start after 100% of my sex life so far has been in its absence?
So that's the bit about recovering - or even discovering my libido - if anyone has any stories where they realised their libido was being suppressed by their PMO, and they've seen through to the other side, I'd much appreciate hearing it.
The identity part is another factor - maybe through this process I may recover enough sensitivity to be able to top guys and enjoy it - who knows? This is secondary, but it would be nice to think it was a possibility.
So that's my story - I'll set up a counter shortly and give an update, but at the moment I am 4 days into my reboot. Thanks for allowing me to lay that all out in writing.
I grew up in a world rapidly evolving to technology, and as a very tech savvy early teen my first porn images were downloaded from Bulletin Board Services (pre-internet) via dialup - static images only that would painstakingly arrive line by line on my computer screen. I would have been about 13/14. It was the early 90s, and I wasn't out-of-the-closet. Living in a conservative suburb, the chances of me meeting another young gay man, and even if I had, the likelihood, in the days of the AIDS epidemic of actually having sex was virtually 0, and so PMO became the sole manner of release till I was 22. By then (I realise now) after 8 years of increasing deathgrip, I was already finding that sensation was limited, and I didn't get much from BJs and when you include condoms as an absolute necessity, I definitely didn't get much from topping guys. I therefore concluded that I must be a bottom, as this was something I could genuinely enjoy.
Fast forward, and this was very much the identity I then took on. As a bottom there's often little expectation that you will O during sex, and when you do, it is usually MO, even in the presence of a partner. I increasingly found it v difficult to even MO without the P element. I had long relationships which would see me getting up out of be to creep into the other room to ashamedly PMO while my partner slept. I of course had migrated to video as soon as practicable, and would torrent down a limitless supply of variety.
This has now been the pattern since then. My most recent thought to lay off the PMO was triggered by this 8 month relationship in which I was only able to MO once in the presence of my then partner in all that time. The relationship broke up for other reasons but this was on my mind. DE was a real problem for me even though up till this time I hadn't considered myself to have an issue.
I thought this because, while my tastes in porn tended to the rougher end, it was not escalating and had not got more severe over the years. Porn is so ubiquitous in the gay community as well - it's no matter at all to talk about porn videos you like, actors you like etc - the language and culture is pretty universally understood. I also didn't really PMO that much - 5 nights a week or so, once, about 10-15minutes a day, and that's it.
As I said, I didn't think I had an issue, but one particular section/phrase in the book left me reflecting and the more I reflected, the more I was devastated by what I realised:
Wilson says that when we go for that dopamine hit with the PMO, it is not libido that is driving us to it, but rather it has just become habitual. This was me summed up perfectly. It wasn't out of an urge or need to PMO that I did it, it was just the habitual thing I did before bed. I had always wondered why I was never one to initiate sex with others or seek it out, and have always thought I just had a relatively low libido.
I am now actually afraid that my libido never had a chance to get started. I don't really know or remember what it feels like to be horny, to actually want sex and to be climbing the walls till I get it. I always have just got the dopamine hit from PMO. This has got me really quite worried. Is it too late at 45 to try to start to tune in to libido - can it really start after 100% of my sex life so far has been in its absence?
So that's the bit about recovering - or even discovering my libido - if anyone has any stories where they realised their libido was being suppressed by their PMO, and they've seen through to the other side, I'd much appreciate hearing it.
The identity part is another factor - maybe through this process I may recover enough sensitivity to be able to top guys and enjoy it - who knows? This is secondary, but it would be nice to think it was a possibility.
So that's my story - I'll set up a counter shortly and give an update, but at the moment I am 4 days into my reboot. Thanks for allowing me to lay that all out in writing.
but I don’t think it will be too triggering.
