Mission: to recover my libido and maybe form a new sexual identity

[Beautiful1973]

Being Gay, Benders and Belonging

Listen to this episode from Secrets of Spiritual Sex on Spotify. In this episode, host Nikki Rhodes speaks to Tony Thorn about his journey of growing up ‘loving illegally’ as a gay man in New Zealand. We speak of the wounding within queer consciousness and his own inner struggle with sex...

open.spotify.com

Another option incase you don’t have apple devices!

 

[eromenos]

@eromenos Yip, I’ve had another listen and I think you will get a lot out of it.
Tony’s story is his battle with sex addiction, but I think a lot of it is relevant to porn addiction and you’ll be able to identify with the coping mechanisms and behaviour. There’s a few sexual references and a lot of swearing but I don’t think it will be too triggering.

Let me know what you thought and if you were able to take anything away from it.

Namaste

‎Secrets of Spiritual Sex: Being Gay, Benders and Belonging on Apple Podcasts

‎Show Secrets of Spiritual Sex, Ep Being Gay, Benders and Belonging - 12 Sept 2020

podcasts.apple.com

Hey @Beautiful1973 . Thank you for the podcast. There was a lot in the early part of that I identified with a great deal. This idea of getting self-worth from many men, and the destructiveness of that behaviour.
Gladly I don’t have the trauma he speaks of in his experience, but the end path is the same - tying up those ideas of self worth with sex and multiple partners is a pattern I’ve fallen into in the past.
i really appreciate you thinking of me when listening to this - you were right on the money!

 

[eromenos]

So just like that it’s 3 weeks down and it’s been great. Quite a journey of discovery.

this last weekend I really for the first time in decades I really had the urge to find someone to go have sex with. I didn’t but feeling that urge was a great step. It was something I said in my original post I had hoped I would rediscover - a libido, and it’s quite incredible to me that it’s there / probsbly has been all the time but before it ever got to raise its head I blunted the drive with PMO.

so my plan is to see out the reboot month, (so till next Wednesday) and then start to introduce sexual partners. I think I may well just avoid all MO for the foreseeable, as I want to feel this drive for sex. It sure is distracting but I’m so glad it’s there.

ive also been looking into foreskin restoration, as sensitivity is a major factor here- that will be quite a journey in itself, so still looking into that.
So all positive news really. Very glad I did this, and motivated to just keep going with it.

 

[eromenos]

So, I’m beyond 1 month into my reboot now. I think I’m in a flatline at the moment so I’ve just been going about my stuff. The urges to meet people have actually passed which is a bit annoying - though stress from my business is probably a factor here. I had intended the reboot to be just the 1 month, so I think I’ll now open up to sexual partners, but I’m also questioning whether going back to my old sexual practices is really a positive move.

basically I had 4 to5 regular fuckbuds- good sex all round but I wonder now if that is similar in a sense (to a lesser degree) to the porn - a dopamine hit that isn’t really progressing towards my goal of finding a partner.

as i said I’m in a bit of a flatline - but maybe we take one thing at a time. Just restricting myself to partnered sex and no MO or PMO seems like such a big step, i don’t want to make the plan unworkable.